Dear Coca-Cola (14 page)

However, we are sorry to hear that the product was served to you in an uncustomary fashion, which I am sure was in no way beneficial to its eating quality.

We hope the enclosed voucher to the value of £3.00 will help persuade you that Aunt Bessie's products can indeed be most enjoyable.

Yours sincerely

Jacky Bowes

Technical Controller

Enc

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

28th April

Your ref 662/JB/MG/97

Jacky Bowes

Tryton Foods

Hull

Dear Jacky Bowes

Thank you for your letter of 23rd April.

I suppose on reflection that, as you have intimated, the Beef Dinner must have been served up to me upside down. This would not come as a surprise to you, nor would the fact that it is apparently the first time it has ever happened despite your selling 250,000 units annually, if you had been exposed to the culinary expertise of my wife for any length of time. We are talking here of a woman who once roasted an undrawn chicken. She had also contrived to stuff the fowl with sage and onion stuffing, though don't ask me how. I am quite confident that without too much effort she could burn water.

I hope for your sake that you have been luckier than me in your choice of wife, Jacky, although I doubt it, because in my experience the only time that women know what they're doing is when they're on the lavatory.

With your vouchers I tried Aunt Bessie's Toad In The Hole, taking the precaution of heating it up myself. It was very nice, although I would have preferred a little more Toad and a bit less Hole. Your portion control manager didn't used to work for Batchelors, did he?

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

A few days after I sent the preceding letter I received through the post a piece of toilet paper on which had been written "Guess who?" As the envelope was postmarked 'Hull' I suspect that it was sent by Jacky Bowes of Aunt Bessie's, probably for daring to criticise their Toad in the Hole.

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

20th April

Bird's Eye Wall's Ltd

Walton-on- Thames

Surrey

KT12 1NT

Dear Bird's Eye Wall's

I have long been a fan of your Boil-in-the bag Kipper Fillets and have them for breakfast every day when I am at home. However, I have to spend a good deal of my time on the Continent on business. With a little effort it is sometimes possible to buy fresh kippers whilst abroad, but I have as yet never been able to buy your Boil-in-the-bag Kipper Fillets, which I much prefer.

In an effort to simulate the taste I have tried boiling a plastic bag in the pan along with the fresh kippers, in the hope that they would take on the unique boil-in-the-bag flavour, but sadly the kippers have always remained resolutely unboiled-in-the-bag-like. With this in mind I was wondering if you could advise me on anything else I could try in my efforts to get fresh kippers to taste like yours?

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

Birds Eye Wall’s

14 May

Mr T Ravenscroft

23Hillside View

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft,

Thank you for your letter about our boil-in-bag kippers. As you have discovered, we do not export these to anywhere in Europe; I think the whole concept is essentially British.

The result which you get from the Birds Eye product is not actually imparted by the plastic itself and this would account for the fact that you cannot get such a good result if you add a plastic bag to the water when you cook kippers abroad. The flavour and succulence of these kippers is largely due to the fact that they are packed into the sealed bag (together with butter pat) and then quick frozen immediately after curing. The quick freezing ensures that the fish is kept really fresh tasting, and this taste is preserved by the fact that nothing is lost in the water and steam which is involved in boiling or poaching in an open pan.

You do not say whether the kippers you buy abroad are ready frozen, but I suspect that they are not. So it is not possible from this point of view to simulate the flavour. But it is possible to buy very strong, boilable plastic bags in which you can create your own boil-in-bag dishes. You simply put the raw - frozen or unfrozen - fish or meat into the bag, adding butter or other seasoning and excluding as much air as you can, then secure the neck of the bag with a strong wire tie or a heat sealer. It can then be boiled in the normal way. But sadly even this would not guarantee that you will get the unique Birds Eye effect because obviously the quality of the fish itself is likely to be variable.

I hope this is helpful

LINDA BELL

Assistant Consumer Services Manager

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

21st May

Linda Bell

Bird's Eye Wall's Ltd

Walton-on- Thames

Dear Linda Bell

Thank you for your letter of 14th May.

I took your advice and made myself some do-it-yourself boil-in-the-bag kippers. I bought some kippers from my local fishmonger, who assured me that they were of the finest quality, put them in a strong plastic bag with a generous pat of Lurpak - I wouldn’t insult them with ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter - excluded all the air, then sealed them with my wife's steam iron. (If I do any more I will have to think of something else, because after using the iron the following day my wife complained that her leotard smelt of fish).

I am afraid that the result was a bit of a disappointment, as the kippers did not reach your high standard. However I then tried an experiment, boiling a pair of kippers, which I had purchased at the same time, with one of your boil-in-the-bag plastic bags. These kippers tasted exactly the same as yours! It wasn't just my imagination either, because in order to test my findings I then boiled two Aunt Bessie's Individual Yorkshire Puddings, one in an ordinary plastic bag and one in one of your plastic bags, and the one boiled in your plastic bag tasted far superior.

It would appear then that your plastic bags have a greater influence on the taste of your kippers than you give them credit for. With this in mind I was wondering if I could purchase a quantity of them from you?

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

Birds Eye Wall’s

11 June

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft,

Thank you for your further letter about getting the authentic boil-in-bag taste with your kippers. I am sorry that my suggestions did not give you a satisfactory result.

I very much regret that we are not able to supply you with some of these bags. Quite apart from anything else, it would be impossible for us to donate any items of packaging, not so much because of its value but because our production plants simply do not have the human resource which would be needed to extract these items from pallets, pack them up, address and despatch them on a regular basis. But in any case the bags are not preformed; we buy the all this type of polythene packaging on a roll and the machine which packs the products also shapes and seals the bags.

I am sorry to disappoint you. I fear you will have to keep on buying the Birds Eye brand for complete satisfaction.

LINDA BELL

Assistant Consumer Services Manager

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

17th June

Linda Bell

Bird's Eye Wall's Ltd

Walton-on- Thames

Dear Linda Bell

Thank you for your letter of 11th June. However you don't shake off a boil-in-the-bag kipper fan as easily as that! Regarding your point about your inability to supply me on a regular basis, there would be no need for you to do this as I will quite happily take a lifetimes supply at one go. I have worked out my requirements, and, assuming that I live to be eighty (which I am sure to do if I continue to eat Bird's Eye Boil-in-the-bag Kipper Fillets!), I will need a roll of polythene 2125 metres long by one metre wide.

Fortunately I will be in the Walton-on-Thames area on the 1st of August, so I will pop into your factory to pick it up. In the meantime if you could let me know the cost I will put you a cheque in the post.

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

Birds Eye Wall’s

07 July

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft,

Thank you for your further letter on the subject of boil-in-bag kippers. I am very sorry that we are not able to help you by supplying some of the material. We receive a number of requests for packaging - tubs, plates, foil trays and so on - but unfortunately do not have the mechanisms by which we can respond to these requests.

Incidentally, the address here at Walton-on-Thames is an office, not a factory, so there is no stock of any packaging material held here.

Please accept our apologies once again.

LINDA BELL

Assistant Consumer Services Manager

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

10th July

Linda Bell

Bird's Eye Wall's Ltd

Walton-on- Thames

Dear Linda Spoilsport Bell

I really expected better from a company whose products I buy at least five times a week. I will never eat Bird's Eye Boil-in-the-bag Kipper Fillets again!

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

21st April

Bernard Matthews Foods Ltd

Norwich

Norfolk

Dear Bernard Matthews

Very surprisingly I have a complaint to make about your Willy Whales. I say surprisingly because, although I am not personally familiar with your turkey products, preferring my turkey only at Christmas and with traditional chestnut stuffing and oven chips, my three children absolutely love them.

The complaint comes from my middle son Henry, who says that your Willy Whales taste fishy. Now it must be admitted that Henry has not the most discerning of palates, far too much junk food passes his lips for him to be able to claim that, but I tried a bite of a Willy Whale myself and I must say I agree with him.

I realise of course that your turkeys are fed fish products, and that this can lead to your turkey meat usually tasting a bit of the fishy side, but the turkey meat in your Willy Whales was extremely fishy indeed. Maybe you could offer up an explanation for this?

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

Bernard Matthews

7th May

Ref. No. BM9710099-1

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft,

Thank you for your letter concerning a pack of Willy Whales you recently purchased. We are indeed sorry that it was necessary for you to contact us and we are pleased to be given the opportunity to resolve the matter.