Dear Coca-Cola (18 page)

The point you made about the “May contain” statement on our packaging. This is yet another incident of our marketing department thinking they are more open and informative to our customers, and all they have done is cause confusion and distress to customers. The statement is just to let customers who are severely allergic to these allergens know that they are on our site as they go into products other than the specific product they have purchased.

I think your friend Atkins is quite a man, if his claims are true and if they can be proved to come with no artificial aids!!!!!!

Thank you for your letters and your support of Jordans.

Yours sincerely

Rita Farmer

Consumer Advisor

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

20
^th
March

Rita Farmer

Consumer Adviser

W Jordan (Cereals) Ltd

Biggleswade

Dear Rita Farmer

Thank you for your letter clearing up the ‘May contain’ business. I’m glad I’m not the only satisfied customer of Jordans that your Marketing Department has confused. Marketing people, eh? Almost as bad as social workers in my opinion.

Regarding my friend Atkins. I showed him your letter and he assured me that he has never used any artificial aids whatsoever, apart from the time his wife went to Australia for six weeks some years ago, when he sent away to a sex shop for a ‘Wankey-Doodle-Dandy’, which he used for five of the six weeks. It would have been six but for some reason the contraption broke after five weeks, probably through overuse if I know Atkins.

Regarding my slogan. Yesterday afternoon I stationed myself in Tescos breakfast cereal aisle for a couple of hours (I haven’t much else to do as I’m retired) and asked every person who purchased a packet of your oats the following question: ‘If you are following the GI Diet has your sex life improved since you started eating Jordan’s Porridge Oats?’ All of them answered my question, apart from two people who for some strange reason just looked at me with their mouths agape before wandering off, and a woman who slapped my face. Twelve of the hundred or so people I asked said they were on the GI Diet (8 women, 4 men). Seven of them (3 women, 4 men) thought that it had improved their sex life, 2 vastly. I would have stayed longer and questioned more of Tescos very obliging customers but unfortunately at that stage the manager asked me to move on, possibly because the women who slapped my face had complained to him.

It would seem then that you have a very strong case for including my slogan on your packet and in your advertising. Please feel free to do so. I took the names and addresses of the seven lucky people and if you would like me to pass them on to you so that they can confirm my findings just say the word.

Yours sincerely

T Ravenscroft

NO REPLY!

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

15
^th
March

Wm Morrison Supermarkets PLC

Dear Morrison’s

I am a sixty-eight-year old man and I have been buying all the family’s food from your supermarket for the last twenty years. Naturally for a man of my years I am not as fit as I used to be, nor would like to be. I don’t want to bore you with my illnesses, and I don’t really like talking about them, but if this letter is to fulfil its purpose, which I hope it will, I have no alternative.

In fact I suffer from a hiatus hernia, a normal hernia (which thankfully I am going into hospital next month to have repaired), a trapped nerve in my spine which cause a little numbness in my arm, athlete’s foot (just one foot), sciatica, arthritis, trouble with my prostate gland and anal pain.

The anal pain is by far the worst of my afflictions. I’ve tried everything to cure it, believe me. Conventional medicine, acupuncture, homeopathy, hypnotherapy, aromatherapy, all to no avail. I even tried, in absolute desperation, going to a faith healer, a travelling evangelist. At the meeting the evangelist laid hands on a man's lips and partially cured his stutter, then he laid hands on a woman's chronic bad back with an equally miraculous result, but did nothing at all for my bottom when he laid hands on it. I noted however that the evangelist didn't spend anything like so much time with his hands on my bottom as he had on the other lips and leg of the other two, so that maybe had something to do with it. I would have demanded my money back but it was free, so I had to content myself with putting nothing in the collection box and taking a pound out, to compensate me for the disappointment. But enough of my troubles.

The thing is I’ve read a lot in the papers recently about the benefits of organic food – you are what you eat and all that – and having noted that you have now started stocking a large range of the same. I was wondering if you think it might benefit me health wise if I switch from Morrison’s normal food to Morrison’s organic food. (Not of course that I in any way blame your food for my various complaints; in fact I got my hiatus hernia at Safeways when I used to shop there).

Yours sincerely

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

MORRISONS SUPERMARKETS

21
^st
March

209/Ravenscroft/12311 lab

Mr T Ravenscroft

Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

Thank you for your letter to this department.

We always welcome feedback from our customers and assure you that your comments have been duly noted. I have taken the liberty of passing these onto the people concerned in order that they may be looked into and, if necessary, be addressed.

We pride ourselves on the high quality of products that we sell and it is always regrettable when these do not meet our customers’ requirements. You can rest assure that your comments and views are very valuable to us and we will continue to do everything that to ensure that we maintain the high standards that our customers expect.

Thank you once again for taking the time to share your views with us and I do hope that we will remain your choice for shopping in the future.

Yours sincerely

Carol Paley

Customer Services Advisor

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

15
^th
March

Wm Morrison Supermarkets PLC

Dear Carol Paley.

What’s going on? I sent you the attached letter and you replied to it with what seems to be the standard reply to a letter of complaint. Kindly sort yourself out and reply to my original letter would you?

Yours sincerely

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

MORRISONS SUPERMARKETS

21
^st
March

209/Ravenscroft/12311 JRW

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

Thank you for your letter to this department. I am sorry that you are disappointed with the response you have received in connection with your complaint.

Our aim is to offer outstanding value for money and we firmly believe that all customers should have access to safe, wholesome, affordable food, according to their individual tastes and preferences. We believe we have a good range of organic foods, both own label and brands, that includes, breads, dairy products, eggs, fresh fruit and vegetables, cereals, wine, tea and coffee, and other grocery items, which we feel reflects the current demands of the majority of our shoppers.

However, in relation to your question, I’m afraid that we are unable to offer any advice of Organic food will help your medical condition. We would advise you to seek advice from your GP.

Thank you once again for taking time to bring the matter to our attention and I do hope that we will remain your choice for shopping in the future.

Yours sincerely

Carol Paley

Customer Services Advisor

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

15
^th
March

Wm Morrison Supermarkets PLC

Dear Carol Paley

You need have no fears that Morrison’s will not remain my choice for shopping, not just in the future but for ever more!

In the six weeks since I wrote to you, five of which I have been eating solely from your range of organic foods, my health has improved by leaps and bounds. While it is true to say that I haven’t noticed any improvement with my bottom – in fact things have got a little worse in that department as I am breaking wind much more often than I used to - the organic broccoli probably - there has been a marked improvement in the state of my hiatus hernia, my sciatica and especially my athlete’s foot, which has almost cleared up completely.

However the best news is that my sex life has also improved, although this might have something to do with Jordan’s Porridge Oats, which are also organic of course. In fact I am so delighted that I have had a tee shirt made with ‘Morrison’s Organic Food Is Simply Orgasmic’ printed on the front (I am getting to be pretty nifty at slogan writing even if I say so myself).

On the only time I have worn the tee shirt at Morrison’s thus far it created quite a stir. Even the manager came out onto the shop floor to have a look at me, although it wasn’t long before he was back in his office, but then he’s a busy man I suppose.

It was my intention just to wear the tee shirt when I am doing the weekly shop at Morrison’s but it occurred to me that I would be doing you a favour if I were to also wear it on the odd occasion I go to Tesco and Asda. In fact if you like, as a small repayment for the huge debt I owe you, I would be quite happy to visit both of these supermarkets now and then and just walk around for a bit without buying anything; I don’t think they can stop you. Would you like me to do this? It would be no trouble.

Yours sincerely

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

NO REPLY!

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

23
^rd
March

Knorr

Freepost ADM 3940

London

Dear Knorr

I am afraid I have a complaint to make about your Ragu Tomato and Cheese Sauce.

My wife was away for the day and I was busy so I had our Norwegian au pair Anni prepare a pasta dish for the children’s supper. To be quite honest Anni’s culinary skills are non-existent so I only let her loose in the kitchen in emergencies, and she doesn’t speak very good English either, however to make up for this she is very pretty and
very
accommodating.

What happened apparently is that Anni followed the directions on your packet a little too literally. Things went all right at first; she tipped the contents of the pouch gently into a saucepan and stirred often. It was when she carried out your serving suggestion ‘for a tasty alternative throw in a small can of tuna and a handful of peas’ that things went pear-shaped. For that’s what Anni did, to the letter. She threw in a small can of tuna. Unopened. She didn’t get round to throwing in the handful of peas because the force with which she threw in the tin of tuna caused the saucepan to fly off the hob and deposit the Ragu Cheese and Tomato Sauce on the floor.

I didn’t witness the incident myself but my elder son Marcus did (Marcus was in the kitchen at the time because he likes watching Anni. Well he is fifteen now). What my son said can be taken as gospel, because despite him wanting to be a solicitor when he grows up I have yet to find him out in a lie.

The thing is that although your directions may be clear to all but the most stupid of English people they are not at all clear to a not very bright Norwegian au pair who doesn’t understand much English, and very probably not clear to many more not very bright foreigners too – I’m thinking here of the hordes of Poles and other East Europeans who have descended on us recently - so with that in mind I think it might be prudent if you were to alter your directions from ‘throw in a small can of tuna to ‘throw in the
contents
of a small can of tuna’; or even better ‘
carefully add
the
contents
of a small can of tuna’, before a serious accident occurs.