Dear Coca-Cola (19 page)

Yours sincerely

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

Knorr

Ref
22918

Date 13 April

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

Thank you very much for your fabulous letter. I’m sorry to learn of your, or rather Anni’s, recent experience
with the Knorr Ragu For Kids pasta sauce. I can honestly say, this is the first time I have heard of this happening.

I’m sure you understand, when we propose an alternative serving suggestion we do intend that other products are fully removed from their packaging. We specifically use informal language on the pack to make the product more appealing to Kids and it seems as though the intended meaning got lost in translation. I have noted your comments and have forwarded them to the Knorr team for consideration.

I have also enclosed a voucher so you can purchase some more Ragu products. Hopefully these won’t end up being assaulted by an unopened tin of tuna, and if they do, you can purchase spares with our compliments.

Might I also suggest encouraging you son, Marcus, to adopt a more advisory role in the kitchen. It may stop other instructions being distorted by translation, and in turn will give him more to me to spend with Anni.

Once again thank you for sharing your experience with us, and if you have any other queries or comments on any Unilever product then please do not hesitate to contact us again.

Yours sincerely

Amy Richmond

Careline Advisor

Enc

Generic UF Coupon £5

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

16
^th
April

Amy Richards

Knorr Consumer Care

250 Gunnery Avenue

LONDON

Dear Amy Richmond

Believe me Amy, the state my son Marcus’s hormones are in at the moment the only advice he is likely to give to Anni is to get her knickers down, and as far as spending more time with her is concerned it takes me all my time to keep the randy little bugger away from her as it is.

However, I must now return to the original incident in the kitchen involving your Ragu For Kids Tomato and Cheese pasta sauce. When the sauce was accidentally deposited on the floor it left a stain on several of our cream vinyl tiles. At the time I wasn’t too concerned as I thought it would be a simple matter to remove it. How wrong I was, for despite trying everything I can think of the stain has stubbornly refused to be removed.

My wife is not best pleased with me about this – I had to tell her that I was responsible for it as she had already threatened to send Anni back to Norway if she did anything else stupid, after the incident with the cat and the vacuum cleaner - so I was wondering if you could help to get me out of the doghouse by recommending something that will remove Ragu For Kids Tomato and Cheese pasta sauce stains? I notice from your letter that Knorr is part of the Unilever group, which, if my memory serves me correctly, sprang from the Lever Bros soap company, so as experts on getting things clean you might be able to recommend something potent enough to do the job. And in view of the fact that you were in part responsible for the stain being there in the first place perhaps you could send me a free sample? Or another £5 voucher would do, whatever you think best.

Yours sincerely

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

Knorr

Ref
22918

Date 25 April

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

Thank you once again for your letter with regards to Knorr Ragu For Kids, or now as the case may be the remains of said product. I’m sorry to learn that this product left a mark on your kitchen and hope that this can be resolved.

We use all natural ingredients in the Knorr Ragu For Kids range so I can only assume that it is a rather stubborn tomato that refuses to leave the tiles in your kitchen. Once again I apologise for any inconvenience this may have caused, or indeed may be causing.

After talking to my good friends in the Home and Personal Care department, I can advise you to try Cif Power Cream Spray which is specially designed for kitchen use. This should not only clear up the stain, but also clear your current ‘doghouse’ status.

If you have any other queries with regards to Unilever products or require further advise on the issue, please do not hesitate to contact us at the above address. Please find enclosed a voucher to enable you to try Cif with our compliments.

Yours sincerely

Amy Richmond

Careline Advisor

Enc

277 HPC Coupon £5

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

1
^st
May

Amy Richards

Knorr Consumer Care

250 Gunnery Avenue

LONDON

Dear Amy

I must say that Knorr is the most generous company I have ever dealt with, and I have dealt with a few. Twice I have written to you and on each occasion not only have you had the courtesy to write back to me promptly and efficiently but you have enclosed a voucher for £5. The only way this could have been bettered would have been if you had sent me £5 in cash, because to tell you the truth I don’t buy Unilever products all that often (mind you I may not be familiar with them all, so maybe you can send me a complete list?). My wife says you are trying to bribe me so that I won’t start blabbing about your pasta sauce ruining our kitchen tiles but I prefer to think you are a caring company, like Baxters Soup, who sent me a shed load of vouchers when I had cause to complain about their Cock-a-Leekie soup, and even as I write are considering my recipe for Cock of Puddings.

I tried your Cif Power Cream Spray as recommended by your good friends in the Home and Personal Care department, as you suggested, and it
almost
got rid of the stain. I say almost, in fact to my eyes the stain has disappeared altogether, but my wife swears she can still see something and she could be right because the woman has eyes a hawk would be proud of, believe me. Anyway I’ve moved the pedal bin over the alleged stain so it should no longer be a problem.

Yours sincerely

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

Knorr

Ref
22918

Date 11 May

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

Thank you once again for your letter. I’m glad to hear that the Cif Power Spray worked, at least a little!

I’m sorry to learn that your wife thinks we are bribing you with vouchers, and can assure you that this is not the case. We merely want to rectify any issue, and address any comments you have or may have had with Unilever products. It is after all, what we are here for.

The following is a list of Unilever products available in the UK. Adez, Bertolli, Boursin, Bovril, Elmlea, Flora, Flora Omega 3 plus, Pro.activ, Hellman’s, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, Jif, Lipton Ice Tea, Marmite, Peperami, PG Tips, Pot Noodle, Scottish Blend, Slim Fast, Stork, Summer County, Carte D’Or, Cornetto, Magnum, Solero, Wall’s and Vienetta, Brut, Dove, Impulse, Lux, Lynx, Mentadent, Pond’s, Signal, Sunsilk, Sure, Timotei and Vaseline, Cif, Domestos and Persil.

You could also visit our website for more information. It has cleverly been called
www.unilever.co.uk
. The individual brands also have their own websites with more information about specific ranges.

I’m aware that another voucher to try one of our products may be inappropriate. As a thank you for contacting us, I have taken the liberty of including an eclectic mix of Unilever items. I hope you enjoy these, and look forward to any comments you may have.

Yours sincerely

Amy Richmond

Careline Advisor

Enc

34 Colman’s product range

108 Hellman’s ‘Your Sandwich Made It’ book

128 Marmite – Set of Beer Mats

114 ICBINB! Halloween Face Paint Pack

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

18
^th
May

Amy Richards

Knorr Consumer Care

250 Gunnery Avenue

LONDON

Dear Amy

Thank you for the gifts, which far from allaying my wife’s suspicions that you are bribing me have only served to increase them. But then she is a suspicious woman as I have sometimes found to my cost, and it is only a matter of time before she makes good her threat to send Anni back to Norway.

With the £10 worth of vouchers you have sent thus far I purchased another Cif Power Cream Spray (in the hope that it would work better than the previous one; it didn’t, so the pedal bin will have to remain where it is for the time being), a packet of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter (I can, by the way), a packet of Boursin, a jar of Marmite, a jar of Hellmann’s Mayonnaise, two packets of Peperami, a sachet of Slimfast and a jar of Vaseline. I then sliced a baguette in half, spread the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter on it, thought better of it, scraped it off and spread Lurpak butter on it instead, then piled on the Peperami, all the Boursin, the sachet of Slimfast, half the Marmite, two generous dollops of the Hellmann’s Mayonnaise and a teaspoonful of Vaseline.

My idea is that although this very tasty sandwich contains a host of fattening foods they will be neutralized by the Slimfast, giving a sandwich that is not only extremely tasty but also non-fattening. (You might question the inclusion of Vaseline but apart from adding a certain
je ne sais quoi
to a sandwich it helps it to slip down, and is a must with bacon or sausage and oven chips).

I intend to enter this sandwich for your next ‘Your Sandwich Made It!’ book. It feels like a winner to me.

Yours sincerely

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

During the course of writing this book, in addition to the items sent by Knorr and various samples of foods sent by other companies I received £127 in vouchers, plus a cheque for £10 from Bernard Matthews. Now I’m not suggesting for one moment that you should make up complaints in order to benefit from the largesse of these companies, but....

****

If you enjoyed reading Dear Coca-Cola would you mind doing me a favour? If you are a member of facebook, recommend it to your facebook friends, if you have a Twitter account, tweet your opinion of it, or if you have neither simply tell anyone in your email address book who you think might like it. Failing that your next door neighbour will do.

Thanks for this

Terry Ravenscroft.

****

Also by Terry Ravenscroft and available on Amazon Kindle

ZEPHYR ZODIAC

Dolly was rinsing the tea cups in the sink when Don came in, quite agitated.

“
There’s a young couple sat in our car, Doll!”

“
A young couple?”

“
Teenagers by the look of them. Sitting there as large as life.”

“
In our car? Are you sure, Don?”

“
Come and have a look if you don’t believe me.”

Don took Dolly’s hand and led her to the front door. When they looked, the young couple were still in the car. Dolly took in the scene and turned to Don.

“
What do you think they’re doing there?”

“
I’ve no idea.”

“
They look very young.”

“
Not to mention scruffy. I sincerely hope they don’t soil the leopard skin seats.”

“
Perhaps they’ll go if we just ignore them.”

“
They look pretty settled to me. Oh no! Well if that isn’t the limit.”