Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (11 page)

The reader who wrote because his wife never wants sex can take comfort in the fact that other aspects of his marriage are fine. My husband’s excuse is either “I’m tired” or “My back hurts.” I’ve gone from being hurt to angry to indifferent. Now I take what I can get, and I rely on my vibrator. It’s sad, but many of us need more than our spouses are willing to give.—J.D., New York, New York

Indifference is a sign of real trouble. An angry spouse is at least motivated to take action. In his book
Great Sex
, Michael Castleman observes that, over time, sex in any relationship becomes less like the Fourth of July and more like Thanksgiving. He summarizes the attitude of the spouse who wants more sex as “You used to want sex five times a week. If I’d known you’d eventually want it only twice a month, I’m not sure I would have stuck around. But now we’re married and have kids and a mortgage. I love you, and to me love means sex. I feel that you don’t love me. I also feel that you tricked me. Now I feel stuck.” The other partner thinks, “If I’d known you were such a sex fiend, I’m not sure I would have stuck around. I love you, but there are big differences between love and sex. You’re insatiable. I feel stuck.” Couples in this situation often slip into one of two modes: bickering or silence. The higher-desire person will often stop initiating sex to see how long it takes for the partner to ask for it—the long wait often makes him or her even angrier. The couple stops hugging, kissing, holding hands or cuddling because the partner who wants sex sees these activities as foreplay. Castleman notes that couples have three choices: Break up, live in misery, or compromise. Therapists find that both partners typically desire the same thing: more nonsexual affection and more attention from their spouse in general. Good sex comes out of a good marriage, not the other way around.

Burdensome fantasies

My boyfriend informs me that he sees women all the time who he wants to have sex with. That made me feel insecure and paranoid. It’s not that I don’t fantasize about other guys, but I keep my thoughts private and I don’t harbor the images for longer than that person is in my sight. I asked my boyfriend how often these fantasies happen; he said he couldn’t say. When do these thoughts become too much for a relationship to bear? And is it normal to envision others when you are being intimate with the one you allegedly love? Am I asking too much for my lover to focus on me when we are having sex?—A.H., New York, New York

Your boyfriend is normal; his mistake, apparently, was to be honest with you about his erotic daydreams. Many women would interpret that sort of honesty as a sign of trust, but you scolded him for it. That’s too bad. If you accept that every person is a sexual being, and that most men are stimulated visually more than women are, it’s easier not to get worked up about fantasies—even those that occur in bed. (As Johnny Carson once said, when turkeys mate, they think of swans.) The important thing isn’t whether your boyfriend is dreaming about fucking other women but whether he’s doing it. There is a point where your boyfriend may be pushing it—he should not be turning his head when he’s with you—but that’s a matter of etiquette.

Sexual addiction

How can you tell if you’re a sex addict? I think about sex constantly. I download porn. I have a large collection of adult videos. I masturbate an average of three times a day. The littlest thing about a woman turns me on. I get agitated if I don’t get sex. I can’t always tell if I love someone or if I just want the sex. I’ve had women say that I’m a different man after sex. Beforehand I’m crabby; afterward I’m happy and glowing and ready to party. I have to have sex before I go out! It’s always sex, sex, sex.—B.L., St. Louis, Missouri

Welcome to the club. The behavior you describe doesn’t make you an addict. It makes you a guy. The idea of sexual addiction has become a cottage industry—its roots lie in the idea that yielding too often to masturbation, pornography, homosexuality and other “sins” will make you mentally ill. It was popularized by a 1989 book called
Contrary to Love
, which includes a ridiculous “screening test” with such questions as: Have you ever subscribed to sexually explicit magazines such as
Playboy
? (Yes.) Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts? (Yes.) Do you feel that your sexual behavior is not normal? (Yes.) Are any of your sexual activities against the law? (Yes, in many states, until recently.) Have you ever felt degraded by your sexual behavior? (Yes.) Has sex been a way for you to escape your problems? (Yes.) When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterward? (Yes.) Do you feel controlled by your desire? (Yes.) Sign us up! We’re not dismissing the idea that sex can be a destructive force, but as one of our favorite vixens, Annie Sprinkle, has written, “compulsion,” “problem” and “challenge” may be better words than “addiction” to describe the situation. It’s sex, not heroin.

As the director of the Minnesota Institute of Psychiatry and author of the first psychiatric textbook on sexual addiction, I agree that the behavior the reader described does not make him an addict. I also agree that the concept of sexual addiction has been misused by hucksters and charlatans. However, discussing whether sexual addiction is a valid concept makes sense only in the context of a meaningful definition. I like this one: It’s a condition in which some form of sexual behavior is employed in a pattern characterized by (1) a recurrent failure to control the behavior, and (2) continuation of the behavior despite significant harmful consequences. In other words, whether a pattern of sexual behavior qualifies as addiction is determined not by the behavior, its object, its frequency or its social acceptability but by how the behavior affects a person’s life. You suggest that compulsion may be a better term. But by definition, compulsive behavior does not produce pleasure or gratification.—Dr. Aviel Goodman, St. Paul, Minnesota

We appreciate the letter, but we’ll stick with our deeply cynical view of this “affliction.” It seems to us that a person cannot be diagnosed as having a problem with sex unless he gets no pleasure or gratification from it, and that would qualify as a compulsion.

Peggy Kleinplatz of the University of Ottawa and I have written about how psychiatry deals with sexual concerns in general and have particular concerns about flaws in the idea of “sexual addiction.” The criteria presented by Dr. Goldman, which include recurrent failure to control sexual behavior and continuation of the behavior despite harmful consequences, are quite problematic. By those criteria, many teenagers would be classified as sex addicts by virtue of their masturbation habits and their suffering from socially imposed guilt. The problem occurs when people believe that sex in general—the wrong type of sex or the wrong amount, however they define it—is sick and then look for rationalizations for their values.—Dr. Charles Moser, Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, San Francisco, California

Why are some people beautiful?

Has there ever been any research on why some people are considered beautiful and others are not? I’ve been attracted to many types of women—slim, tall, short, with long faces, round faces, etc.—but find it curious that nearly everyone agrees that supermodels such as Carol Alt or Cindy Crawford are gorgeous.—D.R., New Orleans, Louisiana

Researchers have found that even across different races and cultures, men generally prefer women with large pupils, widely spaced eyes, high cheekbones, a small chin and upper lip, a generous mouth and shiny, smooth skin. A psychologist at the University of Louisville took the measurements further after asking 150 male students to rate 50 women’s faces. Among the faces deemed pretty, each eye was one-fourteenth as high and three-tenths as wide as the face, the nose took up no more than five-percent of the face, the distance from the bottom lip to the chin was one-fifth the facial height and the distance from the middle of the eye to the eyebrow was one-tenth the facial height. Surprisingly, when the faces of models are superimposed on that image, they don’t match up. Instead, the composite resembles someone’s mom. Women, meanwhile, consider a man’s maturity and dominance with cues such as thick eyebrows, a strong jawline, prominent chin and cheekbones and a small nose. If your features don’t match that scientific standard, don’t despair: You probably have a great personality.

She doesn’t like sex

I am a 24-year-old woman in my second relationship. The problem is that I hate sex. I feel no desire to be sexual with anyone, male or female. I don’t like foreplay. I don’t like trying new positions. I like it one way, with my boyfriend on top, and quick. I don’t like giving or receiving oral sex. I don’t masturbate and don’t think I’ve ever had an orgasm, nor do I want one. Between relationships I didn’t miss sex in the least. In fact, I was relieved that it wasn’t part of my life. I haven’t been molested or raped, if that’s what you’re thinking. I just think sex is overrated and a nuisance. Any idea what might be wrong?—M.A., Fitchburg, Massachusetts

We’ll give your boyfriends the benefit of the doubt and suggest that you have a low libido or perhaps none at all. The question is whether you suffer from a physical or mental condition that can be treated (psychiatrists call it hypoactive sexual desire disorder) or whether you are naturally asexual, which is a controversial diagnosis. Brain chemistry plays a huge role in our feelings of falling in love and in lust and long-term attachment—perhaps some people lack the chemicals for lust. It may be helpful to read posts from other people who feel as you do. There’s a forum at asexuality.org and even a dating service at asexualpals.com. The online definition
of
asexual
is inclusive: It applies to people who say they masturbate but can’t feel romantic love and those who say they have never been horny but feel romantic passion. Before we accept the existence of amoeba man, we’d like to see a few proclaimed asexuals in the lab. If scientists ever document a human being with no measurable libido, we’ll let you know.

I am so easily turned on

I’m writing to you because I’m not sure who else to ask. I am easily turned on. I mean, very easily turned on. If I am washing the dishes and touch my clit against the sink, I can have an orgasm. Once I was wearing tight pants and driving, and I had to park and fuck my pants until I came. I’ve been with the same guy for three years. I sometimes make him park and fuck me. Once, a guy who was walking his dog spotted us. I refused to stop, and the guy got an eyeful. I can’t wait for the first big snowfall so my boyfriend can eat me out in the snow. (He says it’ll be too cold, but I’m going to drag him out there by his jacket collar.) Last week at a dinner party I was walking toward him, but before I could say anything he smiled and said sweetly, “No.” Later he said he thought I was going to ask him to fuck me under the dinner table. (So I was—is that a crime?) Is there something wrong with me? My sister says I’m sick and need help, but it’s not like I’m fucking every Tom, Dick and Harry in town.—M.D., Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

You sound fine to us. Horny, but fine. Your sister sounds as if she suffers from what we call the Helms syndrome: She believes that anyone who has more and better sex than she does is a pervert. You should be concerned only if your desires interfere with your life. That is, pulling over to fuck your pants is an impulse. Pulling over every mile to fuck your pants is a compulsion. And it makes you late for work.

Turned on by his clothes

While my husband and I were window-shopping at a mall, he whispered to me that he had an erection. He said, “My silk boxers are rubbing me the right way.” He put his hand in his pocket to disguise his excitement, but I quickly slipped my hand in his other pocket and began rubbing his balls as we walked. I was so aroused I didn’t care if other people noticed our antics. Thank God we had driven the minivan so we could lie down in the back, where I sucked him off. Is it natural for a man to get an erection from the way his clothes rub him?—T.S., Jackson, Michigan

You bet. If only it were natural to have a woman stick her hand into his pants every time it happened.

Scentsational sex

Nothing in the world smells so good as my girlfriend’s body. I love to close my eyes and put my nose against her hair and skin. If my cock gets lazy during sex, I put my nose into her pussy and it never fails to arouse me. She no longer wears perfume. She knows it doesn’t turn me on. Why am I so affected by her scent?—G.E., Martinez, California

You’re attracted to your girlfriend’s scent because it was designed to attract you. Every person has a unique odor. Scientists believe its purpose is to help us determine if a potential mate has a sufficiently different genetic makeup. Body odor is created when hormones secreted from glands concentrated in the armpit and groin interact with bacteria on the skin and are dispersed by body hair. Because as a culture we wash daily with scented soaps, these natural pheromones often are removed or overpowered. Women also typically shave their underarms and sometimes their genitals, removing hair that might otherwise distribute what Baudelaire called their “scent of fur.” The poet shared your love of eau de femme (he found great meaning in erotic sweat), as did Napoleon, who famously wrote Josephine, “I will be arriving in Paris tomorrow evening. Don’t wash.” Resourceful French prostitutes once dabbed vaginal fluid behind their ears. In Shakespeare’s time, a love-stricken woman would place a peeled apple under her arm, saturate it with sweat, then offer the “love apple” to her paramour to inhale. (Try that the next time your girlfriend packs your lunch.) Today, scientists wonder if our habitual cleanliness creates a subconscious hunger for pheromones, and if that has led to more exposed flesh and more oral sex. If you and your girlfriend want to experiment with your natural attraction, you’ll find fragrance-free soaps and shampoos at stores such as mothernature.com. You’ll find apples at the supermarket.