Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (8 page)

Yikes. The energy you’ve wasted analyzing this situation could power every street lamp on the eastern seaboard. Quit waiting for the perfect moment, because it will never arrive. Make eye contact, smile, say hello and tell her, “I’ve seen you around for months and thought it was time to introduce myself. I’m sorry I didn’t do it sooner.” C’mon, man, this is a gimme. Ask her out for coffee. We can’t imagine she’ll turn you down, but if she does, a quick sting is better than smoldering regret.

Two girls at once

A few of my fraternity brothers like nothing better than to double-team a girl. It’s gotten to the point where they would rather tag-team someone than have sex with her alone. I prefer one-on-one or maybe two girls at once. The last thing I want to see while having sex is my buddy’s erection. Am I being too uptight?—J.W., Kansas City, Kansas

It’s not unusual to want sex with a woman only when she’s not fucking another guy. It sounds like your buddies have been watching too much porn, or perhaps they feel they are performing a public service for women who fantasize about pulling a train. Whatever the case, don’t fret about this; take advantage. In their absence you have more old-fashioned girls to choose from.

Meeting women in class

Can the Advisor provide any tips on how to meet women in the classroom?—J.M., Shreveport, Louisiana

You’ve come to the right place. Back in the day, we put the stud in studious. College classrooms are ideal places to meet women—you have a common interest (passing the course), plus you see each other a few times each week. That gives her time to size you up, and it gives you repeated chances to chat. Here are two lines that worked for us: “Hi” and “Is this seat taken?” Introduce yourself, ask if she enjoys the class, find out where’s she from—you know the drill. If she’s friendly (or, hell, even if she’s not), ask if she’d like to make a study date or have a cup of coffee. If she declines, express disappointment, but don’t give up. Continue to say hello. You may grow on her—and if she misses a class, you can offer a copy of your notes with your number at the top.

Why can’t college guys get it up?

Why do college guys have a hard time getting it up? Seventy percent of the guys I’ve slept with could not get an erection. Isn’t it enough to have a naked woman saying “Fuck me now”? What am I doing wrong? I’m not ugly, and I don’t smell.—S.E., South Bend, Indiana

We’ll take a wild guess here, but have 70 percent of your partners been intoxicated? That would explain a lot. Yet even if they were sober, many college guys have never encountered a girl like you. They’re used to being in charge, and now they have a partner saying “Gimme!” If a guy loses his erection, don’t make a big deal of it. He’s not a machine. But he does have a tongue. As you meet guys with
more experience and who use other methods besides booze to get you into bed, this will be less of a problem.

Roommates who touch themselves

I’m an 18-year-old female high school senior who will soon be living in a dorm room with three women I’ve never met. The problem is, I love to masturbate. One afternoon after sex ed class I came home and “found myself.” I haven’t gotten into or out of bed since without masturbating. And I’m not shy about it with my close friends or family. (I have 10 siblings and share a room with three sisters.) My parents bought me my first vibrator. I love toys, but some of my best orgasms have been with my fingers while pulling on my nipples. My dad says to do it only when I’m alone; my mom says to be open with my roommates about it. I’m not a screamer, but my sisters know I usually thrash around. What happens if one of my roommates freaks and tries to ruin me? Can you give me any stats to show that this is normal?—J.S., Los Angeles, California

Throwing statistics around won’t help. Rest assured that most women masturbate, although perhaps not as frequently or openly as you. You’re ahead of your time. This isn’t about masturbation as much as the compromise required for any sort of group living. To avoid friction you may need to make minor adjustments to your routine, such as holding your hands behind your back until you get to the shower. But don’t be surprised if at least two of your roomies also routinely masturbate and have their own concerns about privacy. Why do we think we’ll see you on
The Real World
?

CONTRACEPTION

Don’t forget your rubbers.

My girlfriend wants to go “natural”

My girlfriend planned to save herself for marriage but has changed her mind. The problem is, she insists that her first time be “completely natural.” Can you tell me what the chances are she’ll become pregnant from one instance of unprotected sex?—D.J., Toronto, Ontario

How good are you? If you have the self-control, you might slide inside her a few times before you slip on the condom; that may satisfy her curiosity. But given your girlfriend’s inexperience, your first time together won’t be as magical as she imagines, and contraception isn’t going to make or break the encounter. We recommend that you play it safe. If she wants all natural, have sex outdoors with a lambskin condom and water-based lube. And appeal to her romantic side: Tell her she isn’t going to write in her diary that her first time was special because you didn’t wear a condom, but because she was with you.

Risky business

I have been using the withdrawal method to keep from getting my girlfriend pregnant. That is, I come on her stomach. She takes a shower after sex, and I’m wondering if the water can carry the sperm into her vagina. Have you ever heard of that happening?—V.T., Lansing, Michigan

No. Even with the best of intentions, it’s much more likely you’ll get her pregnant before she hits the shower. Coitus interruptus is better than nothing, but that’s about the only good thing we can say about it. The technique’s failure rate is estimated to be about four percent with perfect use, meaning that over a year’s time, four of 100 women using it will get pregnant. However, given that highly aroused men are involved, a 19 percent failure rate is thought to be more realistic. About the only birth-control methods more risky are the rhythm method and crossing your fingers. For many years researchers thought the high failure rate could be attributed to pre-come, which is produced by the Cowper’s gland and emerges during foreplay in quantities ranging from a few drops to a teaspoon, probably to lubricate the urethra and head of the penis. However, several small
studies have found no sperm or only immobile sperm in the fluid, so human error remains the chief culprit. If you don’t want to see something else being pulled from your girlfriend’s vagina, we suggest using a more reliable contraceptive, such as the pill or a condom.

Who’s your daddy?

My wife and I are swingers. We want to have a child, but I’m concerned. Is there a time frame during which a fertilized egg would be in danger from another man’s sperm in the event that a condom broke?—R.T., Orlando, Florida

Once the egg is fertilized, there’s no risk of anyone else’s becoming the father. Before that happens, it’s a simple race, and the sperm of the second (or third) man to ejaculate inside a woman often scores a come-from-behind victory. In extreme cases, a woman might have fraternal twins (i.e., from two eggs), each by a separate father. This is most apparent when the children are of different races. Studies indicate that 10 percent of children worldwide are not sired by the men who believe they’re the father—and that some additional percentage are conceived this way but miscarried or aborted. There’s another important risk to consider: Anything that alters the delicate balance of bacteria in the vagina, including genital-tract infections and STDs, can contribute to early labor. That, in turn, can lead to serious lifelong problems for the child, including cerebral palsy, mental retardation, blindness, deafness and respiratory problems. The risk of infection increases when the mother and/or father have sexual partners besides each other.

Finding a condom that fits

Whenever I use a condom I have a hard time keeping it from slipping off. Is there anything I can do?—R.Z., Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

For health and liability reasons, most condoms are longer than most guys—that is, standard condoms are seven inches, while standard guys are between five and six. The idea is that it’s better to have too much protection than not enough. The problem is that the typical guy ends up with an inch of latex rolled up at the base of his penis. Besides being uncomfortable, this makes the condom more prone to unroll or catch inside his partner. That inspired Adam Glickman, founder of Condomania.com, to introduce custom-fit condoms. Download, or request by phone (800-926-6366), a “fit kit”—two paper rulers to measure the length and girth of your erection. With that info you can select the best fit from 55 sizes. A 12-
pack is $12. “We’ve sold every size, but it’s trending toward narrower and longer,” Glickman says. “That makes sense, since the early adopters are guys who are the most unhappy with one-size-fits-all.” While the company expects to have one of the more interesting databases out there—hundreds of thousands of penile measurements—Glickman says customers need not worry about their personal data being shared with anyone.

Super-thin condoms

To me, wearing a condom is like kissing through a screen door. It deadens sensation to the point that I’m nearly incapable of achieving orgasm and quite often lose my erection. The only condoms I can live with are superthin lambskins, but they’re not effective in protecting against sexually transmitted diseases. Short of suggesting a vasectomy, can you give me any guidance?—D.K., Atlanta, Georgia

Don’t give up yet. Condoms are essential, but they’re also no fun. That’s why condom manufacturers are always tinkering with them. There are superthin condoms that protect against STDs, but they aren’t always available in drugstores. Condomania.com (800-926-6366) offers several brands, including latex condoms from Crown of Japan. You might also try X-tra Pleasure by Lifestyles, which features a baggy tip to allow more friction against the head of the penis. Finally, take heart in news from Quebec City’s University Laval. A team led by Dr. Michel Bergeron is developing what he calls an “invisible condom.” The product is a nontoxic liquid at room temperature that thickens to a water-soluble gel after being injected with an applicator into the vagina or rectum. It remains effective as a barrier for at least 48 hours. Early studies have shown that the gel can stop the transmission of HIV and herpes. It may also prevent pregnancy, especially if bolstered with spermicides.

When discussing superthin condoms, you didn’t mention polyurethane. Why is that?—W.D., Las Vegas, Nevada

We’re careful about recommending polyurethane condoms to anyone who isn’t allergic to latex, which is the only FDA-approved use for them. The agency has yet to okay the product (made by Durex under the brand name Avanti) as a contraceptive or barrier against sexually transmitted diseases. That’s largely because of concerns about its durability. In a 1997 study involving 800 couples, 8.5 percent
of the Avanti condoms broke or slipped off during intercourse or withdrawal, compared with 1.6 percent of latex condoms. About 30 percent of the men said plastic condoms were difficult to put on. Still, polyurethane has its fans. It’s twice as thin as latex and allows more heat transfer. It’s also odorless and safe with oil-based lubricants.

Sexual sandwich

My fuck buddy and I were getting ready to go at it when I realized I didn’t have a condom. She’s not on the pill, and I don’t trust where she’s been, so instead of going to bed with blue balls I put a sandwich bag on my penis and held it in place with a rubber band. The sex felt great! Is there anything wrong with this kind of contraception?—S.S., Winfield, Kansas

Good grief. What did you use for lube, peanut butter and jelly? A sandwich bag is better than nothing, but not by much.

Reversing a vasectomy

Three years ago I was in a relationship with a woman who did not want children. She told me that in order to show my commitment to the relationship I should get a vasectomy. Two years later she left me. Do I have any legal recourse?—A.B., Sterling, Colorado