Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (4 page)

Anal surprise

While making love with my girlfriend, she inserted a finger into my rectum and rotated it. I had the most intense orgasm I’ve ever experienced. Is there a reason for this, or did the shock of feeling her finger in my ass just catch me by surprise?—B.T., Leeds, England

It’s always refreshing to meet an anal-inventive woman. Your lover has learned somewhere (probably from being on the receiving end) that the anus is filled with nerve endings and becomes engorged and aroused during intercourse just as genitals do. We suggest using a water-based lubricant if you plan to return the favor, and make sure to trim your fingernails, as the interior of the rectum is delicate. Cathy Winks and Anne Semans, authors of
The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex
, offer this guidance: After applying a lubricant, “circle your finger around the soft folds of anal tissue. Many people find that gentle stroking of the anal opening is all the anal stimulation they desire. If your partner becomes sufficiently relaxed, she or he may bear down and slide right onto your finger. Your fingertip should reach toward the front of the body rather than crook up toward the tailbone. The sphincter muscles may tense up automatically as soon as you enter, so hold your finger still at first until the anus relaxes around it. Then feel free to insert your finger deeper, exploring the outer rectum. You can circle your finger, tap and stroke the walls of the rectum or move your finger gently in and out.” If your partner has never experienced anal penetration, don’t be surprised if she or he finds the sensation unsettling when you first slide in. By the way, Winks and Semans also advise that you “take the time to look at your partner’s anus. You may be surprised at how sweet and innocent it looks—not like an ‘asshole’ at all.” That changes everything: What are we supposed to yell at bad drivers?

Should I bleach my anus?

The skin around my asshole is sort of brown. My boyfriend says it’s normal, but he’s just trying to make me feel better. I am a very clean person. Is there a way to make my anus go back to its natural pink? I’ve heard you can bleach it.—L.T., Houston, Texas

We never imagined we’d write these words in the Advisor, but here they are: Do not bleach your anus. Despite rumors that asshole brightening is the latest Hollywood craze, it’s a stunt that belongs in the next
Jackass
movie, not in your bedroom. Your boyfriend is right. Brown is your natural color, although your anus may appear more pink when you’re aroused.

Bleaching is crazy. Instead, leave some petroleum jelly down there. After three days your anus will look and feel much lighter and cleaner.—L.L., San Jose, California

And you’ll be prepared should any spontaneous butt fucking break out.

Honey, have you seen my vibrator?

My girlfriend wants to experiment with anal penetration, but I’ve heard stories about embarrassing trips to the emergency room because of “misplaced” sex toys. How can we be sure things don’t get stuck?—J.H., Los Angeles, California

Be very, very careful. If that vibrator or butt plug doesn’t have a flange, or rim, think long and hard before sticking it in anyone’s bum, no matter how good you think it might feel. If there is an accident, don’t hesitate to visit the emergency room, and be honest when you get there. The doctors on duty have seen it all, evidenced by their habit of sharing outrageous pelvic X rays with medical journals. Besides dildos and vibrators, physicians have removed screwdrivers, artillery shells, curling irons, spatulas, baseballs, flashlights, candles, vegetables, a polyethylene waste trap from the U-bend of a sink, sewing needles, salami and shampoo bottles. For God’s sake, people, there’s no shame in buying and using toys designed for anal pleasure. It’s certainly safer than grabbing whatever’s handy.

AURAL

Stop, look, listen.

How can I make my boyfriend scream?

I’d like to make my boyfriend scream during sex. I get low growls and the occasional “Oh, yeah,” but I want him to yell stuff like “Yeah, baby!” or “Faster!” What can I do better?—J.L., Seattle, Washington

It’s not you. Few people outside porn are screamers, though they always seem to live next door. The only reliable way to make a guy yell in bed is to grab his balls and pull. The best you can do otherwise is provide pleasant surprises—finger his ass while you blow him, lick his ass while you stroke him, do your Kegel exercises and squeeze his erection like a pump. He’ll probably just moan louder, but he’ll owe us a big favor.

I like to hear about his ex-girlfriends

My boyfriend is 37, and I’m 23. When we’re in bed, I like for him to pretend I’m someone from his past. I ask him first to give me details, such as how one of his ex-girlfriends liked to be fucked or who had the tightest pussy or the biggest tits. Then I pretend I’m her. While the sex is great, he is sometimes reluctant to do this, saying he just wants me to be me. I want him to do it every time we have sex, and I’m worried he’ll get bored with it. He says he’s never had any lover who wanted to play this game, but I am much younger and full of curiosity. Is this normal?—E.P., Carpentersville, Illinois

He’s already bored. Your curiosity is understandable, but there is something to be said for being yourself. Role-playing once in a while is fun, but you’re not learning anything about yourself or him by constantly revisiting old ground. The question you should be asking is, What did each of your exes do that turned you on? Gather some intelligence, then mix their best moves with your own and give him something to remember you by.

What does he mean, “talk to me”?

My girlfriends and I were discussing this during a girls’ night out: When you are having sex with a guy and he says “talk to me,” what is it he wants to hear?—N.C., Des Moines, Iowa

That’s an easy one. He wants a pause in the lovemaking to analyze the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship, dissect a scandalous conversation you overheard at work and confirm that one of your girlfriends is indeed making a mistake by not inviting her mother’s cousin’s wife to her baby shower. Please. A guy who makes that request wants you to talk dirty. He wants to know he’s turning you on. He wants you to tell him what feels good, why it feels good, how he can continue to make you feel good and what you’re thinking about doing to make him feel good. He wants you to make demands—”Fuck me, now.” He wants you to be overcome with desire: “Oh my God, that feels so good!” Turn off the sound during a porn movie and notice how quickly it goes from erotic to uninspired. That’s because the female performers are accomplished actors—at least during the sex scenes. They moan, groan, coax, reassure, respond, plead and command. Some pretend to be aroused, some are aroused, some become aroused by talking as if they’re aroused. There’s a lesson in that. There are many formulas to talking dirty, and not all of them involve explicit language. In her guide to erotic talk,
Exhibitionism for the Shy
, Carol Queen suggests an exercise: Describe what’s happening. It may start simply—”You’re kissing my neck, you’re tugging at my nipples…”—but it always becomes more heated as you progress.

Love noises

My girlfriend and I often stay with friends on weekend trips. This past weekend the walls were so thin I could hear the clock ticking one floor down. In this situation is it rude to make “fun noises”? Keep in mind that there is no way for us to be quiet. We have a good time and like to hear it. The bed will rock, the floor will creak, the windows will rattle.—R.W., Chicago, Illinois

You obviously don’t have kids. If you tend to fuck with volume, why not explore a new sexual frontier by hitting the mute button? First, place a private wager: If either partner makes a noise louder than the ticking of that clock, he or she will pay a fine to be decided by the other. It can be as simple as having to wash the dishes for a week. Then communicate only with facial expressions and by guiding each other’s hands. You’ll find that fucking in silence slows everything down—it’s hard to thrust like a madman when you can’t make squishing noises. You’ll also look into each other’s eyes longer and pay closer attention to breathing and body language. Each moan that escapes will sound like a trumpet. Trust us, concentrated silence will make you feel like teenagers again, and no one will suspect a thing.

Did I ruin the mood?

My girlfriend is turned off by dirty words. Once I told her, in the heat of passion, that I loved her beautiful ass. Another time I blurted out, “Fuck me!” In both instances she said I had ruined the moment. Can you suggest words we could use in bed that aren’t too clinical or crude?—J.S., Manhattan, Kansas

Perhaps you should learn a foreign language. Carol Queen recounts how one of her lovers enjoyed the sound of the French tongue. “I once impelled her to tear my clothes off in the middle of the afternoon by reading aloud to her from a Sabatier kitchen knife brochure.” Queen suggests that couples who have a problem with slang—or who prefer English—invent their own bedroom language. She recommends Nicholson Baker’s
The Fermata
for inspiration and provides an entertaining appendix of erotic words and phrases to expand your vocabulary. As Queen points out, it’s not what you say but how you say it. “If your arousal is reflected in your voice, cries of ‘Oh, yeah, do that!’ or ‘Please put your mouth on me now!’ can be devastatingly hot, even though you haven’t used a single ‘dirty’ word.” Still, there’s no substitute for a good “Fuck me!” once in a while (we always add “please”). When you’re so turned on you need that pussy, that ass, that mouth or those tits more than your lungs need air, you don’t want to fuss with Shakespeare.

Give me a moan

Why do I get so turned on by listening to my wife as she becomes aroused and then climaxes? My moans and groans don’t seem to have the same effect on her.—R.G., Atlanta, Georgia

She’s reining you in. Evolutionary biologists suggest a woman’s moans are designed to help her control your arousal, increasing her chances of capturing your sperm while minimizing the time she is vulnerable (i.e., that you’re on top of her). What little research there is on vocalized sounds made during sex has found that men rate them as more arousing than women do and that women tend to make more of them. The topic screams for more study. For example, does a woman make less noise after her partner has ejaculated? Do the sounds of climax correspond with genital contractions? Scientists have found that people open their mouth more often during sex than during masturbation, which may be a response to the hyperventilation that occurs as they get aroused. Is moaning designed to increase this hyperventilation and improve the high? Perhaps the woman’s moans dictate the rhythm of the man’s thrusts. Are moans during clitoral stimulation different from those produced by touching the G-spot? Do women make different noises during masturbation? Do they moan less after menopause, when they can no longer become pregnant? Scientists can’t rely on anecdotal evidence to answer these questions, but we sure as hell can.

AUTOMOTIVE

The need for speed, and oil changes.