Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (37 page)

Thanks for your response. Guys appreciate any help we can get.

Hutchins writes that “missionary is probably the worst position for bringing a woman to orgasm.” I can come only in missionary. Is there something wrong with me?—G.F., Williamstown, New Jersey

Nothing at all. There’s one thing that can bring you to orgasm in any position: your partner’s finger (or your own). It may seem like cheating to finger your clit during intercourse, but the penis is a team player.

The doctor is in

My grandmother confided to me that some women used to have to go to a doctor to have orgasms. Could that be true?—R.D., Santa Barbara, California

From the fifth century
B.C
. until the 1920s, many women sought out treatment for “hysteria,” a vaguely defined illness thought to arise from a lack of sexual intercourse. Before the invention of the vibrator, treatment consisted of a physician fingering or massaging his patient until she climaxed. In 1653, a doctor described how, with the help of a midwife, he massaged a patient’s genitalia “with one finger inside, using oil of lilies, musk root, crocus or something similar.” The technique proved most effective on widows and nuns. In her book
The Technology of Orgasm
, Rachel Maines notes that few doctors relished treating hysteria—they found it time-consuming and tedious. Some preferred to prescribe horseback riding, long train rides or high-pressure water massages. More often than not, the condition proved to be chronic.

Female ejaculation

When I climax, I sometimes squirt a clear liquid. My husband and I separated recently, and during that time, some bimbo told him I was peeing on him. Now we’re trying to work things out, but he refuses to bring me to orgasm. He won’t listen to anything I say, but he devours your every word. Can you help?—F.A., Modesto, California

Sure. It’s not pee. During arousal or orgasm, some women release a fluid has been found to be chemically distinct from urine. In many cases a woman who ejaculates does so after her G-spot is stimulated, leading researchers to suggest that the fluid originates from the same tissue that becomes the prostate gland in men. Female ejaculation is accepted as a matter of course in some cultures. The Batoro of Uganda, for example, teach unmarried women the custom of
kachapati
, or “spraying the walls.” It’s also common in erotica—apparently men fancy the idea they can make a woman so excited that she gushes (or at least spurts). Your husband should consider himself lucky.

Headaches during sex

My new girlfriend is the wildest lover I’ve ever had, but every time we have sex, I get a headache as I climax. Is this something to be concerned about?—N.M., Albuquerque, New Mexico

Most likely, no. Sex headaches are so common that pain specialists have divided them into three categories: (1) “Dull” headaches intensify as you become more aroused and peak during climax. The pain usually occurs at the back of the head and is likely caused by muscle tension. (2) “Explosive” headaches consist of a throbbing pain at climax, generally on both sides of the head. These are the most common benign sexual headaches, but no one is sure what causes them. They may be hereditary. One doctor treated four sisters who suffered from climax headaches but had never mentioned it to one another. (3) The rare “postural” headache occurs during climax at the back of the neck and head and could indicate a spinal fluid leak, which is bad news. In fact, there is an off chance that any type of sex headache could be the result of an aneurysm or tumor, which is why it is always wise to see a doctor. In most cases, treatment is as simple as gentler fucking or massage as foreplay, or drugs used to treat migraines. Harvard neurologist Donald Johns says sex headaches seem to occur most often among people in their 40s and during stressful encounters—say, during an affair or with a crazy new lover. They also occur more often in men, by a 3-to-1 ratio. Presex headaches, another challenge altogether, occur more often in women, by a 20-million-to-1 ratio.

Sex can also ease the pain. When I wake up with a headache, I ask my husband to make love to me. The pain is gone within minutes.—J.B., Springfield, Illinois

You just gave “I have a headache, dear” a wonderful new meaning. In a study conducted at Southern Illinois University, 24 of 53 women who had sex while suffering from a migraine found that it relieved the pain; only one said her headache got worse. Other research suggests that vaginal stimulation increases a woman’s pain threshold. One scientist hypothesized that when the vagina is stimulated the body responds as it does during childbirth—by releasing painkillers.

Orgasm reflex

An article about Pavlov’s dogs gave me an idea. If I masturbated to the same song every day, would my pussy be programmed to have an instant orgasm? I decided to experiment. I chose
Got Till It’s Gone
, Janet Jackson’s duet with the rapper Q-Tip. It’s four minutes long (which seemed like enough time to consistently reach orgasm), and the beat picks up speed. Each day at 6:35 p.m., I put
The Velvet Rope
into my CD player, pressed track four and fell onto my bed with legs spread. I usually began moaning three minutes into the song, when Q-Tip raps “Why you wanna go and do that?” I always climaxed before the song ended. After three months, I stopped the routine, then waited to see how I would react when I heard the song at random. A week later, I was a passenger in a friend’s car when a guy driving a Mustang convertible pulled up next to us at a red light. His radio was blaring, and my song suddenly flooded through the open window and headed straight for my pussy. My ass tightened, my breath quickened and my thighs burned with anticipation. I tossed my head back and felt my panties getting wet. I didn’t actually climax (I was too shy to wiggle around much with my friend sitting there), but I was extremely turned on. A few days later, the song played over the loudspeakers at my health club. I pedaled furiously on my stationary bike and had an intense orgasm. My instructor praised me for my hard work. Advisor, what do you think of my little experiment?—S.R., Los Angeles, California

What a sweet story. You and your hand have your own song. Now it’s time to rejoin the world of irregular pleasure. Masturbate at different times, in different positions, to Bach, Benny, Miles, Garth or silence. Come in a minute, five minutes, 30 minutes. Climax once, twice, seven times. Heck, you can even invite a friend over and use his hand.

How can I come more slowly?

When you read about a guy who has a problem with premature ejaculation, what does that mean exactly? How soon is too soon?—K.L., Miami, Florida

PE occurs when a man consistently ejaculates before or shortly after penetration following minimal foreplay. That’s a common clinical definition, but it has never satisfied anyone. Guys want numbers. So in 2004 a team led by psychologist Stanley Althof of Case Western Reserve University gave stopwatches to the partners of 1,587 men, including 207 who had been diagnosed with PE. After tabulating the results, the researchers found that the men who suffered from rapid ejaculation had an average “intravaginal ejaculatory latency time” of 1.8 minutes, compared with an average of 7.3 minutes among the other men. Althof notes that PE is a lifelong problem in two-thirds of cases; the other third are “acquired,” meaning the condition shows up later. Anxiety over ejaculating too quickly can contribute to the problem; in trials of a drug called dapoxetine, men given placebos had double the stamina. Traditionally PE has been treated with squeeze or start-stop techniques, antidepressants that stifle arousal (dapoxetine is similar to Prozac but doesn’t stay in the body long enough to be effective for depression) or numbing creams or condoms. It is often frustrating for both partners, not only because of the bad sex but because the man’s shame or frustration can bring an abrupt end to the intimacy. Althof says teaching men to avoid such a response is an important part of treatment. In rare cases PE can be a symptom of illnesses such as diabetes or multiple sclerosis, so there is added concern when it appears later in life after years or decades of control. As we mentioned, the two most common non-drug treatments have been the penile squeeze (the woman squeezes her partner’s erection as he nears climax to help him focus) and the start-stop technique championed by Dr. Helen Singer Kaplan in
PE: How to Overcome Premature Ejaculation.
(The woman gives the man a hand job until he is near climax; when his arousal wanes a bit, she repeats the exercise.)

I also suffer from premature ejaculation, so I went for a consultation at Boston Medical Group. The doctors told me that PE is often caused by an oversensitive head of the penis. To treat it they prescribe a combination of drugs that are injected into the penis. The drugs keep your dick hard regardless of ejaculation, so you can continue lovemaking for about an hour. They say this gets you used to the sensation of having sex for longer periods and desensitizes the head so it will toughen up. (They compare it to your feet getting calloused when you walk barefoot.) BMG claims that after doing its program for a few months your mind and body will be trained to go without the medication and your PE will be cured. It sounds reasonable, and they are doctors, but I’m having trouble finding any independent verification of BMG’s claims or success rate. I’d like to fix this problem, but the treatment costs $1,000, and I don’t want to blow my wad if it’s junk science.—T.H., Dallas, Texas

We can’t tell you much about Boston Medical Group beyond that it doesn’t have an office in Boston and its doctors aren’t eager to discuss their kooky methods with journalists. The American Urological Association has just updated its guidelines for the treatment of premature ejaculation, and nowhere does it mention sticking a needle into your dick.

Stand by your man

What does it mean when a woman can have the biggest orgasm of her life simply by standing next to a certain man? This has happened to me three times—the first was 10 years ago, and the most recent was last year. My girlfriend and I waited for the guy to see if it would happen again, and it did—twice. The man is Willie Nelson. Is this normal? I don’t want to wreck his marriage or mine. But I would be a cheap date.—M.J., Newark, New Jersey

God works in mysterious ways.

Get back

My husband and I recently found that I have an orgasm when he scratches a certain spot on my lower back. Is this normal?—J.R., Prince George, Virginia

It’s unusual but not unheard of. Beverly Whipple, who for years studied the nature of orgasms at her physiology lab at Rutgers University, documented women climaxing from clitoral, G-spot, cervical and breast stimulation—as well as those who could lie still and fantasize to climax. She has also heard anecdotal reports of women who came while having just about every part of their bodies massaged, including the neck and the big toe. This is less surprising in light of research by Whipple and others that shows some nerves take a direct path from the genitals to the brain while bypassing the spinal cord.

Stoned sex

I enjoy having sex (and my husband enjoys my enjoying sex) when I’m high on marijuana. My sensations are heightened, and I can focus intensely. Sex without pot varies from standard to great, but if I’m high, it’s guaranteed to be fantastic. I don’t get high often—maybe once a month—but I would like to cut back or stop. Is there a way to get that feeling of focus and heightened sensitivity without an illegal drug?—C.A., Toledo, Ohio

Having sex in a public place does it for us, but that’s also illegal. Partaking once a month hardly seems excessive, and a lot of anecdotal evidence suggests that low to moderate intoxication can enhance sex. (Smoke too much and you’ll be alone with your thoughts.) In
Woman: An Intimate Geography
, science writer Natalie Angier notes that, unlike booze, weed “distracts the intellect without dampening the body’s network of impulse relays.” Many of the 150 experienced smokers Charles Tart surveyed for his 1971 book,
On Being Stoned
, felt they were better lovers when high, especially if their partner had also smoked, because the marijuana brought on “feelings of tremendously enhanced contact, of being more sensitive, gentle, giving.” In other words it slowed things down, which always makes for better sex. (Guys also typically report they have more control.) However, Tart noted that a quarter of respondents said weed didn’t make them better in bed because it made them focus too much on their own pleasure. The real benefit of marijuana before sex may be that it helps some women achieve orgasm. Writing of her own experience, Angier says that marijuana “can be a sexual mentor and a sublime electrician, bringing the lights of Broadway to women who have spent years in frigid darkness. All the women in my immediate family learned how to climax by smoking grass. Yet I have never seen anorgasmia on the list for the medical use of marijuana.” She later told
High Times:
“It definitely has something to do with the way in which marijuana releases the inhibitory mechanisms in the neocortex. That’s why I say it’s better for people who can’t get there in the first place because they just don’t know how mentally. Though women who can orgasm might continue to like marijuana for sex for the relaxing potential too.”