Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (34 page)

Who farted?

This is a serious question. I was going down on my wife and she let go of a large amount of flatulence. What would be the proper thing for either of us to say or do when that happens? I was grossed out and my wife became angry, saying I had ruined the mood. (She’s the one who farted!) What’s the etiquette for this situation?—D.L., Buffalo, New York

It’s always unpleasant to learn the hard way that your wife’s gas doesn’t smell like potpourri. We suggest that in the future you both make use of a technique described to Jay Leno by an audience member on
The Tonight Show
. She explained that whenever someone in her household felt the need to release, he or she would say, “Safety.” This alerted other family members to stand clear. That’s an easy courtesy to extend to anyone giving you pleasure.

The classic blow job

My boyfriend loves blow jobs, but I haven’t had much practice. Do you have any tips?—K.L., Mesa, Arizona

Of course. How do you think we got this cushy job? Actually, we often come across great advice in unexpected places. In this case it was a humorous anthology called
The Vice Guide to Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll
, in a chapter by Christi Bradnox, who is one of those goddesses who believe that giving good head is an art form. Here are a few of her suggestions: “(1) Before you head south, prepare the landing pad with your hand. Horse around until he’s hard as stone. Assure him that he’s going to get some heavy mouth action, but don’t let it start until he’s ready to crack. Rub through his pants like it’s a baby animal about to be born. (2) Your teeth should not exist. Use the same principle you apply when eating a Popsicle with sensitive molars. (3) If he steers the ride (hand hovering over or on your head), ask soft questions. Are you going too hard, soft, slow? You’re not looking for a discussion, just a yes or a moan. (4) Your hand should form a tube like a skirt around your mouth, with your thumb and forefinger like a belt that meets your lips. Most of the feeling is in the head of the penis, so don’t waste too much time on the shaft. The area should begin to feel like a wet, greased, slow moving internal combustion engine. (5) At some point, lock eyes with him. Remember, he’s filming this with his brain and may use it as masturbation fodder for years. You can even jerk him off a bit, which is a nice break for everyone. (6) When he’s about to come, increase the speed of your hand and mouth. Let him feel you pulling his orgasm out of him. Make swallowing motions, press your tongue against his shaft and slightly relax your lips. Moan hard and low in anticipation of the best climax you’ve ever created.” There you go. Your boyfriend won’t know what hit him.

As one of those women who view giving head as an art form, I take issue with a few of those suggestions. Your source essentially recommends that a woman make her mouth feel like a pussy. But much of the pleasure a man receives from oral sex lies in the fact that it provides different sensations than intercourse. It’s good to swirl your tongue at the apex of the upstroke, but never neglect the shaft. A blow job isn’t a blow job if you sink only the tip. Rather than two fingers, use your entire hand and squeeze gently, like a pulse, on the upstroke. See how he reacts if you turn your head to the right on every downstroke. Don’t overlook the rest of his body. Caress his belly and the inside of his thighs. Gently run your nails through his pubic hair. Stroke a finger along his perineum. Continue sucking as he comes and you’ll prolong his climax. Take your time about disengaging, and give his cock a good-bye kiss. The look on his face will be worth it.—A.M., Tacoma, Washington

Thanks for writing. We love your work.

Don’t overlook the importance of eye contact. My wife gives incredible head, and what drives me wild is that she stares into my eyes while doing it. Why is that such a turn-on?—R.T., Richmond, Virginia

As John Updike once noted, oral sex is even more intimate than intercourse because you’re fucking your partner’s face. Staring into her eyes drives that home. It also tells you that your wife is not ashamed or reluctant to be doing what she’s doing—she loves the fact that you’re watching. As porn actor Marc Stevens said of co-star Tina Russell: “God, what a cocksucker she was! She’d fuck my eyes with her eyes while she was sucking me.”

I love giving my boyfriend blow jobs, and he enjoys getting them. The trouble is, I want him to crave them. Do you have any suggestions for fine-tuning my technique? I’ve always imagined being so good that he would greet me at the door one day after work, weak with desire, begging me to suck him off.—C.T., Rapid City, South Dakota

The next time you go down on your boyfriend, prop his head on a pillow to make sure he can see what you’re doing. Tell him how hot he is, how much you love sucking him and how hard and beautiful he is. Let him know that you’re in no hurry. With his erection in your mouth, begin to hum softly. (The warmth of your breath and the vibrations on his cock will drive him crazy with desire.) At that point, we’d be happy as clams, but we’re easy. Judy Kuriansky, author of
Generation Sex
, offers a description of the classic BJ that had us fidgeting in our seats: “Start licking at the tip, gently. Circle your tongue around the head, and then slide the head into your mouth. Create suction and roll your tongue around the head, lingering on the frenulum (the underside of the tip where the ridge meets the shaft). There’s no need to bob your head up and down. Slip your mouth over the tip and run your moistened lips up and down the sides of the shaft of the penis (while you caress the head with your hand) and return to slipping the head inside your mouth. Lower your mouth farther down on his erection each time. Or close your lips around the head, licking the frenulum, and grasp the shaft with one or both hands to give him the sensation of being inside you.”

I shared your oral sex tips with my girlfriend but wanted to add one: If a woman starts a blow job with her mouth, she should finish with her mouth. It’s not a BJ if she uses her hand.—D.L., Green Bay, Wisconsin

Our rule has always been, “If a woman starts a blow job with her mouth, God bless her.”

Can I come in your mouth?

Exactly what percentage of women perform oral sex to climax? I was married two years before I even put my hand on my husband’s penis. It was seven years before he succeeded in having me put my mouth on it. This all changed when some women I know at church were talking sex one Sunday after service. When one said she enjoyed having her husband come in her mouth, the rest of us were aghast! We were told that the taste was not objectionable, and if the come was swallowed immediately you hardly knew it was in your mouth. Reluctantly, I let my husband come in my mouth, making him think I was just too slow to get out of the way. The next time we had oral sex he performed on me until I was aroused beyond comprehension. When I went down on him, I had about half of his penis in my mouth and was pumping the shaft with my hand. I knew he was coming so I pumped faster and let him shoot into my mouth. I continued to suck and he started squirming and said I was killing him, but I was determined to finish the job. It was terrific! At last, after ten years, I had given my husband a real blow job. Now we have more fulfilling sex than ever. I did not know how wonderful it could be until my eyes were opened that Sunday morning after church.—T.L., Denver, Colorado

Now, there’s a confession you don’t hear every day. Have you come in his mouth yet? According to surveys we’ve seen, nine in ten people engage in oral sex. It’s fun. There has been much less research into the number of women who allow men to come in their mouths, but we’re working on it. In a poll of college students conducted by
Playboy
, about 60 percent of the female respondents said they let their partner do this. Of those, a third said they swallow; a third said “it depends.” We like to think it depends on if you ask nicely.

The games men play

I am happy to give my husband what he says are the best blow jobs of his life. Although I prefer his undivided attention, I don’t have a problem with his watching porn while I pleasure him. But the other day he wanted one while he was playing a video game. I told him to finish the game first. When I came back 10 minutes later, he told me he had started another game and no longer wanted a BJ. What gives?—N.T., Dover, Delaware

Your husband has confused his joystick with his joy stick, which is a risky thing to do.

You missed the call with that response. As selfish as it may be, guys love spur-of-the-moment BJs. His wife’s offer to come back after he finished the game made it an appointment, and the fantasy evaporated.—S.P., Indianapolis, Indiana

It must be a treat to receive so many blow jobs that you start to categorize them.

He stroked himself when I paused

What does it mean when a guy jacks off after I pause while giving him head?—C.B., Toronto, Ontario

It means he misses your mouth. If he masturbated to orgasm, you may have pulled away just as he was about to come. In that case, his reaction was instinctive. Otherwise, he stroked himself to stay hard. The next time you need to take a break, keep your hands moving. Keep your lips moving as well, by telling him how much you love sucking him.

Lick it good

My new girlfriend wants me to go down on her, but I’ve never done it before. (None of my previous girlfriends liked getting head.) I’m a little nervous, because I want her to enjoy the experience. Are there any special techniques?—R.N., Honolulu, Hawaii

The simplest way to find out how a woman likes to be licked is to ask her. By doing so you won’t reveal anything except your skill as a lover. As porn star Nina Hartley says, “Good pussy eating is a team effort.” Here are some general tips: (1) To help her relax, caress the insides of her thighs, talk to her softly, massage the muscles around her vulva. Demonstrating on her video
Nina Hartley’s Guide to Better Cunnilingus
, Nina gently squeezes and kneads the muscles around her partner’s vulva like a baker. These muscles are stronger and more pliant than most people realize—and who thinks to massage them? (2) Forget the movies—porn actors move aside for the camera. Lose your face between her thighs. Lou Paget, author of
How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure
, says, “The men who are best at this resemble glazed doughnuts.” (3) On the approach, be sure to coat your tongue and lips with saliva. Don’t flick your tongue (another porn move) unless she’s already turned on—it’s likely to cause dryness and discomfort. (4) If she’s on her back, put a pillow under her ass for a better angle or have her put her legs over your shoulders. (5) Gently separate her outer lips with your fingers, for better access. (6) Nina reminds guys that the clitoris is not a doorbell. It’s extremely sensitive, so when you caress, kiss, lick, suck and tug on your lover’s labia and other parts of her vulva, the clitoris feels the tremors and responds. (Nina claims she once produced an orgasm by tugging on her lover’s pubic hairs.) Work slowly, to build tension. Focus on stimulation, not penetration—all of the most sensitive nerves are at the tip of your tongue. Alfred Kinsey found that only 20 percent of women insert anything while masturbating, and most of those just barely. (7) Take a moment to tell her how good she tastes. (8) Try long, broad licks from the bottom of her vulva (often overlooked) to the top. (9) If you find yourself at a loss for your next move, get back to basics: Write the alphabet with your tongue, then do it backward. (10) Try kissing her genitals the way you kiss her lips. Suck her clit the way you suck her tongue. (11) If she says, “That’s great” or “There!” don’t speed up. But do keep going.

You left out a crucial piece of information: A man should always shave first. A day’s growth never feels good against labial tissue. Rub your tongue or the head of your penis along a woman’s unshaved leg and you’ll see what I mean.—S.S., Manchester, Connecticut

We’ll take your word for it.

Are there any exercises you can do so your tongue doesn’t get sore?—L.S., Brooklyn, New York

We like the Lifesaver technique described by Lou Paget in
How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure.
Hold a Lifesaver in your mouth vertically between your lips and teeth. Using tiny motions, dissolve the candy with the tip of your tongue from the hole out. It takes time, patience and a nimble tongue, which builds stamina. If you need to take a breather during cunnilingus, hold your tongue against your upper lip and move your head instead. And there’s no rule that says you can’t put the rest of your face to work. If your tongue gets tired, use your nose or chin to put pressure on her clitoris.

My husband and I have discovered the best position for oral sex. The woman lies on her back with knees bent. The man lies on his side at a right angle to her, facing her pussy. His lips and tongue align with her labia, allowing complete coverage and range of motion. It’s not a problem if he hasn’t shaved, since his beard never comes in contact with her delicate tissues. The man doesn’t have to worry about a stiff neck or sore knees, and the woman won’t be distracted by her concern that her partner is uncomfortable.—L.M., Hollywood, California