Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (51 page)

My girlfriend of five years has been hinting that she would like to get married. I told her that sounds good to me except that I do not want to take a vow of monogamy. Although I have been faithful to this point, I certainly have been tempted. Vowing that I would never cheat would be a stretch. She says that if she can do it, I can do it. My feeling is that a vow of monogamy would be one more pressure to deal with in our relationship. I would appreciate any suggestions.—D.G., Wyndmoor, Pennsylvania

Are you kidding? Quit wasting her time.

Can you seduce a woman through hypnosis?

I’ve heard that you can seduce women through hypnosis. I know people stop smoking or lose weight through hypnosis, so maybe there’s something to this. Are these techniques difficult to learn?—P.R., San Juan, Puerto Rico

If you have the idea that you can get a woman at a bar to look deep into your eyes, and then deep into your pants, come back to reality. Despite every man’s fantasies, a woman who is hypnotized isn’t going to do anything against her will, though she may show fewer inhibitions. (You also can achieve this with a shoulder rub.) Your subject has to be willing and able to be hypnotized, and it takes practice to pull it off. In his guide
Look Into My Eyes: How to Use Hypnosis to Bring Out the Best in Your Sex Life
, Peter Masters suggests that a couple use hypnosis as they would any sex toy. The book includes the basics of inducing a trance and supplies various sexual scripts. But Masters also presents hypnosis as a way to experiment with “erotic control.” For example, he suggests that you instruct your girlfriend during a trance that she will feel aroused whenever you say, “You look sexy in that outfit.” You can imagine the possibilities.

Going to the movies

On our fifth date I took my girlfriend to dinner. During the meal I caught myself quoting Mickey Rourke’s character in one of my favorite movies,
9
¹
/2 Weeks
. My girlfriend had never seen the movie and didn’t get the reference. After dinner, we took a cab to the beach. As we fooled around in the back, I found myself quoting from the movie again. I meant no harm and it felt good to role-play. Letting her in on it would have made it feel fake. Once we hit the beach, things got heavy. I started talking filthy to her—mostly a mishmash of lines from the film—and she began to strip. We fucked like crazy. By the end of the evening I must have recited half the movie’s dialogue. Yesterday she ordered a copy of
9
¹
/2 Weeks
on DVD. She says she wants to watch it together on my birthday because I had mentioned how sexy it was. Shit. Should I confess? I don’t want her to think I’m a creep.—D.J., Indianapolis, Indiana

Your girlfriend will feel cheated when she finds out. So we worked out a plan in which you set your DVD player to French language with Spanish subtitles, then insist the disc is defective. However, some of the women in the office pointed out that this would work only if your girlfriend were a nitwit. Instead, they suggested that you give her numerous hardcore erotic experiences in which you talk filthy in your own words. She’ll still recognize the dialogue when you sit down to watch the film, but she’ll be more forgiving if she knows you can do it on your own. If she insists on an explanation, tell her no one had ever inspired you to talk dirty before, and you fell back on the familiar.

She touched her necklace. Does she want me?

I met a gorgeous woman at a party. As we spoke, I noticed her touching her neck in the area where her blouse button would be. Any idea what that meant?—R.T., San Diego, California

She wanted you. Or she lost her necklace. Hard to say. Men tend to overestimate women’s interest, especially if they aren’t getting laid. Princeton researchers asked 285 adults to interpret everyday behavior for signs of horniness. They found that “basically, if a woman goes out and stands anywhere, some men are going to think she’s fairly interested in sex right now.” Women, meanwhile, “just about always get the sexual intent of men right.” (Well, how hard is that?) For more insight, we turned to an expert in reading body language, Mike Caro of PlanetPoker.com. Years ago he and another poker champ, Doyle Brunson, developed a system they call quick bonding. “You need to come across as somewhat mysterious in an intellectual way,” Caro explains. “Don’t say too much at first, but convey the impression that there might be a lot for her to peel away and discover. For example, if I were to notice a woman touching her neck, I would walk past slowly, catch her eye, smile sincerely and say confidently, ‘Don’t worry about it. It’s fine.’ There’s a good chance your cryptic, caring, conspiratorial remark will connect in some way to her subconscious gesture, and you’ll get credit for having perceived that connection even if you’re clueless. In my experience, the woman often will track you down to investigate.” As usual, it’s not the cards you hold but how you play them.

I’d like to ask out a tenant

I own an apartment building. One of my renters hangs out with me while I do work on the house or around the pool, and we have a blast. I helped her assemble some furniture, and we were working way too close together. If I hadn’t been her landlord I would have made a pass at her. I’m getting crazy signals, but I don’t want to be stupid. A friend told me to be careful. He says that if we start dating she might stop paying rent. The rents pay my mortgage. Any guidance on this?—J.R., Chicago, Illinois

Ask her out. You can’t plan your life based on worst-case scenarios.

Okay to look up her number?

I met a girl who’s a friend of a friend. I know her name, so I looked up her number in the campus directory. Is it okay to call? It’s one thing to know a girl’s number and another for her to give it to you. I don’t want to creep her out.—M.F., Potsdam, New York

There’s nothing wrong with getting her number from the phone book—it’s only creepy if you dial random numbers.

How young can I go?

After two years of torture I am finally divorced and starting to date again. My question is: How young can I go? I read that the formula is your age divided by two, plus three. I’m 46, so that would allow me to go out with a 26-year-old. There’s a 28-year-old who wants to sleep with me, but I’ve been shying away because of the age difference. What do you think?—J.B., Minneapolis, Minnesota

No matter what the age difference, the challenge of any relationship that starts like this is finding something in common besides your mutual interest in fucking. But that doesn’t sound like a concern for you now.

Are smart guys dumb daters?

I read an article that says intelligent guys, because they have no social skills and overanalyze dating situations, have trouble with women. True?—M.S., Fayetteville, North Carolina

Genius is a burden, but we’ve managed. Many guys overanalyze dating situations, as do many women, but it has more to do with insecurity than intelligence. Sometimes they hook up, and the result, for their friends, is like watching a Woody Allen movie.

He likes fast women

For some reason I keep meeting all the women I want to date at fast-food drive-throughs. There’s something about hearing a sexy voice through the speaker and then looking into the woman’s eyes when I pull up. Is there something wrong with me? I’m concerned that I have a fetish. I also love women with tight little bellies, and all the women at drive-throughs seem to have tight little bellies.—N.R., Madison, Wisconsin

Are you attracted to women who aren’t serving you fries? That would be a sign that you don’t have a fetish but simply an unusual preference. In our view you need three things: a much better diet, a girlfriend and a pair of walkie-talkies.

The worst pick-up lines

What are the worst pickup lines you can use on a woman? I would like to avoid them.—H.N., Des Moines, Iowa

We’re not fans of pickup lines—desperation isn’t the best first impression. “Hello” and “May I sit here?” are more natural. (Hef says his favorite line is “My name is Hugh Hefner.” He also says, “The best way to get a woman interested in you is to be interested in her.”) A
Rolling Stone
reporter witnessed a recent example of idiot lines while trailing porn star Jenna Jameson at an event. One guy said to her, “Do you remember me from that night in New York? I spent $20,000 on you.” Jenna’s reply: “I would remember anyone who spent $20,000 on me.” The next guy squeezed her hand and whispered, “You give me pleasure.” Her response: “Ewww.” Indeed.

He’s a 52-year-old virgin

When I was younger I made a decision not to have sex with anyone I didn’t love. I felt sex was a spiritual matter and also feared catching a disease. As I have grown older I have refined my criteria. Perhaps I would have sex with a friend. Here’s the punch line: I am a 52-year-old virgin. A co-worker considers me a trusted friend, though I don’t think she finds me attractive. Should I share this with her? I wouldn’t want it to affect our friendship, but I get the sense she is highly sexual, and I wonder if it would matter to her.—J.R., Oakland, California

This is more information than she needs to know. The problem is that you’re falling for someone who isn’t interested. Contrary to your expectations, sharing this secret won’t make the relationship more intimate. And even on the remote chance your co-worker agrees to a mercy fuck, you’d still be lonely afterward—perhaps lonelier. The problem with being a virgin into your 40s or 50s is that it becomes such a distraction. Every potential relationship is approached as the “last best chance” to end the drought, and getting laid becomes a mystical, life-changing event. This leads to a vicious cycle: You can’t get sex because you’re needy because you can’t get sex. That’s why you might benefit from Intercourse 101 with a sensitive professional. It won’t be the sex you imagined, but at this point it’s an experience you should have, and deserve to have, and enjoy. Then you’ll no longer have to think of yourself as a 52-year-old virgin—you’ll be just another guy searching for love.

Can a size 16 woman find love?

Could a man ever be happy with a woman like me who has a pretty face but a size-16 body? I would like an honest answer, even if it hurts my feelings and leaves me more bitter than I already am.—J.S., Oakley, California

Most men aren’t attracted to overweight women, so odds are they’ll never know if they could be happy with you as a size 16. We’d like an honest answer to this: Are you attracted to strangers with potbellies and double chins or those who are slim and fit?

Your response was ridiculous. Almost every man is attracted to a woman who is confident in how she looks. That’s also the case with confident men who have potbellies.—S.K., Ashland, Ohio

As a longtime reader I’m sad and angry that the writer of that letter could believe what some faceless, unimportant guy from
Playboy
thinks and would give up on the idea that someone could love her for who she is. She may so fully accept what you told her that when a man smiles at her she’ll turn away, not believing he could find her attractive. What was she thinking when she wrote to a magazine that turns women into plastic fuck dolls? You had a chance to do some good, and you blew it.—R.A., Madison, Alabama

While it is true that our initial attraction or lust may be for slim people, this can fade after a short conversation. I have quickly lost interest in some very handsome men after finding that they are arrogant, conceited or stupid.—C.S., Stillman Valley, Illinois

I’m a big girl. I know the score. But life and attraction aren’t that simple. The Advisor of all people should have recognized the importance of that letter. Instead you were cold and dismissive. If you can devote eight sentences to vermouth, you can at least give a few more to a reader asking a sensitive question.—V.C., Chicago, Illinois

I’m sure you’ve heard from a ton of angry women. As a guy, I feel for you. I just underwent gastric bypass surgery. My post-op support groups are full of ex-fat chicks who are still psycho and bitter. With my weight back to normal, women react differently to me. No one sets out to be fat, just as no one sets out to have a career in waste management. It sucks, and it’s not healthy. Even though our society is composed mostly of fat people, we despise them unless they are jovial.—W.P., Toledo, Ohio

Most men don’t know what they’re missing. I enjoy the company of women who have curves rather than edges. In my experience larger women are more passionate.—D.C., Merrill, Wisconsin

Did a seventh-grader break into your offices and answer that question? I am a size 16 and have never lacked for companionship. I would have told her to stop giving off the “I am not worth dating because I am fat” vibe. What happened to the days when curves were sexy?—J.S., Dundas, Illinois