Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (54 page)

Is there any way to tell if a bottle of wine is spoiled before you open it?—P.L., Denver, Colorado

Sure, if you own a nuclear magnetic resonance machine. A chemist at the University of California-Davis rigged an NMR machine, which uses the same technology as clinical MRI scans, to hold a corked bottle of wine. He tested bottles from the university’s enology department for the presence of acetic acid, a.k.a. vinegar. Sample bottles from 1950, 1960 and 1968 had apparently spoiled (though their corks and seals showed no leaks), while bottles from 1956, 1970 and 1977 appeared to be drinkable. The chemist believes the technology might be useful for auction houses and wine collectors.

Prison wine

A friend who has spent time in prison told me that other inmates used to make wine using just a plastic bag, oranges and sugar. Is that possible?—K.M., Fountain Valley, California

Anything is possible when you have time on your hands. We won’t give prison censors any more to do by reprinting a recipe here,
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but those in the free world can find them online. Here’s the basic idea: Prunes (hence the name pruno), raisins, oranges and/or other fruits are squeezed and sealed inside a plastic bag filled with water. The bag is heated under a tap, then hidden. After 48 hours, the inmate adds sugar, which can come from cubes or packets as well as from ketchup, frosting, jelly, yams, flavored gelatin, honey, hard candies—you name it. (The sugar is broken down into alcohol by yeast floating naturally in the air, or by adding bread.) The mixture is heated regularly over the next three to five days. Most batches of pruno are best consumed while holding your nose. Although many wardens prohibit inmates from taking fruit to their cells, California prison officials still seize the equivalent of 2 million pruno cocktails each year.

What is the best temperature for wine?

I received a wine thermometer as a gift. Can you tell me the optimal temperatures at which to serve reds and whites?—S.E., Bellevue, Washington

Optimal? No. It depends on the wine. General? Yes. As you know, whites are usually served chilled (but not ice-cold) and reds closer to room temperature, which is actually not the temperature of a room but a cellar, about 55 degrees. You can follow a chart. (One exercise in precision we’ve seen suggests serving sparkling wines at 42 to 54 degrees, roses at 48 to 54, whites at 48 to 58 and reds at 57 to 68.) But in the end you should trust your instincts. If a wine lacks flavor, it may be too cold (this often happens at restaurants, which almost always keep whites too cold and then drop them in an ice bucket for good measure). If the wine seems unfocused, it may be too warm. We tend to serve big reds or whites, such as cabernet sauvignons or California chardonnays, at cellar temp and crisp whites, such as pinot grigios and champagnes, well chilled (three hours or more in the fridge). Lighter reds are slightly chilled, meaning for less than three hours. A thermometer can get you in range, but don’t let it take the fun out of the experiment.

Tan and black

A bar in town is offering a black and tan made with Guinness and Bass. Isn’t a black and tan made with Guinness and Harp? I can’t imagine Guinness would want its incredibly Irish brew mixed up with an English ale. What’s your take?—M.A., Tallahassee, Florida

Traditionally, a black and tan is a stout mixed with a lightly hopped ale, but there are variations, depending on where you’re drinking and what’s available. In the States, a black and tan is typically made with Guinness and Bass, while Guinness and Harp is considered a half-and-half. (Guinness exports both Bass and Harp to North America, so it’s all one happy family.) To create a black and tan in which the Guinness floats on top—a carnival trick popular only in America—place the glass at an angle and rapidly fill it halfway with ale. Hold a spoon (inquire at your pub about one made especially for the task) horizontally and facedown over the glass just above the surface of the ale. Slowly pour the stout over the cup of the spoon. That should keep the beers separated.

Are bottles better than draft?

My friends give me a hard time because I always order bottled beer at bars. They say draft is fresher. I suppose that’s true, but I’ve always just preferred the bottle. What do you think?—R.S., Gary, Indiana

As you like it. Michael Jackson, author of
The Great Beer Guide
, says that bottled beer can be more refreshing because it has a slightly higher carbonation. But the carbonation prickle on your tongue also masks flavor. In addition, bottled beer is usually pasteurized, and that can flatten its flavor or impart a cooked taste. Draft beer is pasteurized less aggressively, and sometimes not at all, because it has a faster turnover. If “draft” appears on the bottle, the brewer may have used sterile filtration to avoid pasteurization, but that can strip some of the beer’s body. So for fresh-tasting beer, a draw is the better bet. “In the U.K. and at select pubs in the U.S., casks are delivered with unfermented sugars and live yeast so they can finish developing in the cellar,” Jackson says. He also points out what may be the most important attribute of a draft, which is that you rarely find yourself drinking one alone. “If anyone can find a way of putting the pub in a bottle,” he says, “I might be more inclined to shop for the odd six-pack.”

What is a pint?

Last night I got into an argument with a bartender because he tried to short me on a pint of beer. This has happened before. Either they give you a big head or they pour the beer into a glass that doesn’t hold 16 ounces. Have you ever noticed this, or am I sounding like a crackpot? My friends roll their eyes when I bring it up.—P.R., Omaha, Nebraska

Many if not most bars that claim to serve pints use “cheater” glasses that hold 14 ounces—and that only if filled to the brim. It’s a minor scandal, and technically illegal, but don’t let it distract you from enjoying your lager. They call it a pint; you know it’s a large. Short measures are serious business in the U.K., where the Campaign for Real Ale estimates that 80 percent of pulls are short and where pub owners occasionally are prosecuted. “They say, ‘You should have asked for a top-up,’ but why the hell should we have to ask?” writes a former trading standards officer in
Camra’s Good Beer Guide
. The group says that pub owners who want to serve thick heads—a chief method there of shorting a draw—should buy larger glasses. A survey of British adults found that 84 percent agreed with Camra that a pint should be 100 percent liquid; the rest allowed for some froth. The trade standard is 5 percent; the government has proposed no more than three.

Since you dragged the Brits into it, you could have noted that an imperial pint is 20 ounces, or 1.2 American pints. In answer to the question you’re thinking at the moment: No, I haven’t anything better to do.—S.D., Emporia, Kansas

You’re right—about the pint. Have you ever had a traditional Scottish pint? It’s four mutchkins, or about 3.5 American pints. So it’s all relative. A short pull in London might be a full pint in New York, but we’re not in New York, so serve what we ordered.

The essential bar

I always have a few bottles of essentials (whiskey, rum, gin, etc.) along with mixers for guests. The problem is that I make and drink the same thing day in and day out. Can you suggest a new type of alcohol that’s somewhat exotic yet versatile and not unbelievably expensive?—M.T., New York, New York

You can use many different liquors to make cocktails that aren’t American staples. First, add a bottle of Campari to your stash so you can make Campari and soda, which women love. You can also mix it with gin, sweet vermouth and an orange-peel garnish to make negronis. Both are big hits in Italy. You might also try Chartreuse, a French liqueur you can mix with tequila or fruit juices. If you value your friends, create a top shelf for them in the back of the liquor cabinet. We suggest one of Milagro’s select barrel reserve tequilas, a scotch from Balvenie, Plymouth gin and Pyrat XO Reserve rum. These aren’t for mixing but for drinking straight or on the rocks. They’re more expensive, but you won’t go through them as quickly.

SPORTS

Playing rough.

Athletic sex

What’s the word on having sex the day before the big game? Good idea, or bad?—T.B., Spokane, Washington

As the philosopher Casey Stengel once said, “Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. It’s staying up all night looking for her that does you in.” Some Olympic coaches have forbidden their athletes from fooling around before the big event, but research suggests that sex raises testosterone levels, making competitors more aggressive and focused. Sex also can relieve pregame anxiety. Every top athlete seems to have an opinion on the matter. Wilt Chamberlain said he had sex the day before he scored an NBA-record 100 points in a single game—although given his claim of 20,000 partners, on what night didn’t he have sex? Rocky Marciano is said to have considered sex a distraction, and he avoided any distractions before each of his seven world-title fights. Some football players feel intimacy brings out emotions that make them play soft.

Brushing your table

How often should you brush a pool table if it gets at least six hours of use each day?—A.K., Nanaimo, British Columbia

Brush the playing surface every two hours, and vacuum and wipe it with a damp cloth. Be careful to remove chalk marks, especially on the cushions, as they increase friction if they accumulate. It’s also wise to cover the table when it’s not in use. If you’re serious about your game, sharpshooter Robert Byrne suggests occasionally shaving the bed of the table and the nose of the cushions with an electric razor. Not that great for the razor, but wonderful for your angles.

Rose-colored glasses

What’s up with wearing colored lenses while playing softball? Does that help, or is it just a fashion statement?—P.W., Denver, Colorado

They’re a functional fashion statement. Tinted lenses can make it easier to follow the ball in the grass, or against the sky. They’re usually designed to be worn in response to weather conditions, although some are marketed to specific sports, such as golf or tennis. When it’s cloudy, yellow or orange works best. If there’s some sun peeking through the clouds, try a rose hue. Gray is best for full sunlight. If you’re fishing or boating, use polarized lenses to cut down on glare. A mountain biker who goes in and out of shadows should consider a high-contrast amber. With any sport sunglasses, look for shatter-proof polycarbonate that provides at least 400 nanometers of UV protection. Many manufacturers, including Zeal Optics and Bollé, offer models with interchangeable lenses.

The life of running shoes

How long should I keep my running shoes before replacing them?—P.D., Lancaster, Ontario

Although there are variables, such as your weight and running schedule, Paul Carrozza, who owns Run-Tex in Austin, Texas and covers footwear for
Runner’s World
, suggests that casual runners replace their shoes about twice a year. More active runners may need to replace their shoes as often as every two months. (This assumes you have properly fitted shoes; if not, you could destroy them within 100 miles.) Most runners sense when they need fresh shoes because the ground starts to feel hard. But it’s also a good idea to keep an eye on your midsole—if the foam there feels mushy, the shoe is dying or dead. The most durable shoes have polyurethane midsoles and carbon rubber outsoles, but the downside is that polyurethane is relatively heavy.

Stroke of luck

What is the most popular golf bet?—K.L., Sarasota, Florida

That would be the Nassau, named for the Nassau Country Club in Glen Cove, New York, where it is said to have originated. It involves three bets. In $20 Nassau, $20 rides on the front nine, the back nine and the 18-hole total. The player or team with the best score on each hole wins a point. To make things interesting, if one side falls two points behind on the front or back, it can request a press, or a new $20 bet, on the remaining holes of the nine. One can also make side bets on who will hit the longest or straightest drive or whether a player will make par from a trap (a sandy), after hitting a tree (a barky) or without hitting the fairway (an Arnie, after Arnold Palmer). The USGA allows wagering among amateurs as long as “the amount of money involved is such that the primary purpose is the playing of the game for enjoyment.” There was little enjoyment in the least popular golf bet of all time, between Sir David Moncreiffe and John Whyte-Melville in 1870 at St. Andrews. The club didn’t record the score, but the loser agreed to kill himself, and Moncreiffe apparently did.