Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (49 page)

ALL CITIES:

1. Hattiesburg, Mississippi

2. Jackson, Mississippi

3. Jackson, Tennessee

4. Bloomington-Normal, Illinois

5. Waterloo-Cedar Falls, Iowa

6. Monroe, Louisiana

7. Rocky Mount, North Carolina

8. Muncie, Indiana

9. Springfield, Massachusetts

10. Greenville, North Carolina

11. Des Moines, Iowa

12. Lexington, Kentucky

13. Florence, South Carolina

14. Laredo, Texas

15. Richmond-Petersburg, Virginia

16. Birmingham, Alabama

17. Lynchburg, Virginia

18. LaCrosse, Wisconsin

19. Tallahassee, Florida

20. Athens, Georgia

MIDSIZE METRO (500,000 to 1 million):

9. Springfield, Massachusetts

15. Richmond-Petersburg, Virginia

16. Birmingham, Alabama

26. Baton Rouge, Louisiana

27. Little Rock, Arkansas

29. Toledo, Ohio

MAJOR METRO (1 million plus):

24. New York

28. Memphis

32. Greensboro/Winston-Salem

47. Louisville

49. Raleigh-Durham/Chapel Hill

52. Nashville

57. Indianapolis

Support the troops

I thought you’d like to know about my organization, Operation Take One for the Country. I created it to encourage single women to hang out at bars and clubs frequented by single servicemen, especially those about to go into harm’s way. We aren’t arranging charity sex or suggesting that women pursue dangerous behavior in the name of patriotism. We’re just saying they should give single servicemen a chance; they’re worth knowing.—K.M., Tequesta, Florida

Having a woman say “I want you” is more fun than hearing it from Uncle Sam.

America has a long tradition of this sort of behavior. According to
No Magic Bullet: A Social History of Venereal Disease in the United States Since 1880
, during World War II doctors and social workers frequently commented that the professional prostitute had given way to the patriotic prostitute, or charity girl. One social worker wrote, “Girls idealize the soldier, and many feel that nothing is wrong when done for him. One girl said she had never sold herself to a civilian but felt she was doing her bit when she had been with eight soldiers in a night.” These women were also known as amateur girls, khaki-wackies, victory girls and good-time Charlottes.—J.S., Los Angeles, California

Why didn’t they mention this in history class? We would have gotten better grades.

Is there any way to be taller?

One thing that limits the number of beautiful, intelligent, sexy women I can date is my height. It’s intimidating to be the shortest guy around, and because I’m 5'5", that’s usually the case in almost every bar or club. Are there any viable solutions to growing taller once you’ve reached your 20s? I’ve seen suggestions on the Internet that range from doing stretching exercises for months to injecting human growth hormone to visiting an endocrinologist.—A.K., Washington, D.C.

Besides lifts in your shoes or radical surgery, there’s nothing to be done. The growth plates have fused in nearly every person by the age of 20. We suggest you accept your height as one of your many unique qualities and spend your energy on something more productive, such as learning 100 good short-guy jokes. You should know, as a matter of routine, some of the shorter men who did more for the world than the 10 tallest guys you know: Mozart, Beethoven, Gandhi, Churchill, Hitchcock (Napoleon, at 5'7", was closer to today’s average of 5'8"). There are drastic measures you can take if you’re completely nuts. Years ago we wrote about a guy who was two inches shorter than the height requirement to become a Detroit cop. He slept in traction for several months but managed only to add an inch and a half. In 2000 a 4'9" British teenager hoping to grow tall enough to be a flight attendant had doctors break both her femurs. She spent four weeks in traction and gained five inches, one inch shy of the requirement. The point is, you could go through all that, be released from the hospital in pain and in debt, and then fall in love with a woman who’s 6'1". Taller guys, you should realize, have their own complaints—they tower over most women, slam their heads on unfamiliar doorways, can’t hear what’s being said at parties and look awkward dancing.

Writing an effective personal ad

Do you have any suggestions for writing a personal ad? I don’t want to spend a lot of money and not get any responses.—N.T., New York, New York

A well-written personal ad will prevent you from being swamped with inappropriate responses, which can be nearly as annoying as not getting any. Describe the traits that make you stand out in a crowd. Realize that every guy in the personals is affectionate and sensual and enjoys intelligent conversation. They’re also fit, handsome, look younger than their age, love sunsets and have a refined sense of humor and superior listening skills. Dig a little deeper. Instead of “going to the movies” as a pastime, say that you “love comedies and Westerns” (if that’s true, of course—don’t set yourself up for a fall). Instead of “dry sense of humor,” say that you “can’t wait for Larry Sanders to interview Spinal Tap.” Read other personals and mark those that stand out. What they’ll have in common are details that together form an enticing, well-rounded grab for attention. Whatever else you do, don’t use negative words such as
lonely
: How much fun can a lonely guy be? And don’t include “scanning the personals” among your hobbies.

I put an ad in an alternative weekly to meet some new people, and every guy I have had lunch with so far has been a creep—about half are married and just looking for quick sex. Can you help?—H.T., Atlanta, Georgia

Personal ads attract mostly misfits and cheaters, so it becomes a numbers game. Keep at it and you’ll get better at screening prospects. For the big picture, pick up a copy of
My 1000 Americans
by Rochelle Morton. (Guys should read it as a primer on how not to act.) Morton placed an ad and shared a meal with every third guy who responded to it. She managed to meet several dozen nice guys, but mostly her book is a catalog of creeps. The most memorable was a married guy who brought along his four-year-old daughter. When he went to the rest room, the girl said her daddy wanted Morton to touch his pee-pee. When the guy returned, the girl blurted, “I said it, Daddy,” while he feigned ignorance. Morton says that if she had to do it again, she would be more specific in her ad and initial conversations about what kind of guy she hoped to meet. “If you go into the process with low expectations, you won’t be disappointed,” she writes. “And you might hit the jackpot.”

“Personal ads attract mostly misfits and cheaters”? That’s a gross exaggeration based solely on Rochelle Morton’s disappointing experiences. When I started responding to ads after my marriage ended, I was surprised by the number of young divorced women who were searching for companionship. I didn’t meet a single creep, misfit or cheater. When I placed an ad, I had seven responses within hours. I stopped at number three, and we married two years later. Ads work if you know what you want.—J.D., Mount Vernon, Virginia

The lesson of Morton’s experience is to be specific. She used the phrase “fun times” in her ad, which most guys took as code for casual sex. That and her “delete-delete-meet” selection process (to ensure a random sample) may explain the high number of misfits.

She’s gorgeous, but her breasts are too small

This woman and I have been on three dates, and the sparks aren’t exactly flying. I wonder if I would be more interested if she had larger breasts. That thought upsets me. I mean, how shallow can you get? How would I feel if she said to me, “I’m sorry, I’m not interested in you because your penis is too small”?—D.S., Minneapolis, Minnesota

Don’t blame the breasts. We received a letter from a reader who insisted he broke up with his girlfriend because her forehead was too big, as if that were the reason. If this woman had blown you away with her charm and personality, her breasts would have been the perfect size.

Libido overload

I am an adult-film producer having trouble finding a girlfriend. I’d like to meet a woman who is not in the industry, because I would get jealous if my girlfriend had sex with another guy, even on camera. I know that sounds hypocritical. I’ve been with nearly 100 women, all of them one-night stands. Sometimes it’s difficult for me to enjoy sex or stay hard because I look at porn and interview models for 100 to 120 hours a week. You know how it is when you come home and see something that reminds you of work and you get annoyed? That’s my situation. Any advice?—C.T., Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

You’re suffering from libido overload. Porn is fun, but an overdose can make unscripted sex with an actual human being seem disappointing. Producer Adam Glasser, a.k.a. Seymore Butts, had similar problems meeting women, which Showtime documented during the first season of
Family Business
. Most of the women he met through online dating sites found his work interesting but not enamoring. (Glasser eventually began dating one of his ex-assistants, who became a performer.) There are women who won’t have a problem with your job, but it may take some effort to find them. It may also be wise to be discreet (“I work in video production”) until you have a chance to make an impression. One thing is certain: You won’t meet anyone outside the business if you’re immersed in it 17 hours a day. You also won’t be very interesting at dinner. Stop working on weekends and find a hobby that doesn’t involve genitalia.

Dating models

Do you have any strategies for picking up models? I don’t want any of your usual coy or sarcastic bullshit, either. I need some practical advice.—G.T., New York, New York

You’re making this difficult. We pick up models the same way we approach any beautiful woman—by introducing ourselves. But there are some rules. First, don’t compliment her on her beauty. She hears that all day, along with dimwitted pickup lines. It’s also painfully obvious, the equivalent of informing a tall person, “You’re tall.” Her beauty is nothing she has any control over, so it’s hard to take as a compliment. Instead, comment on something she chose, such as her shoes, which are usually the last thing a guy notices. It sounds corny but it works. If you happen to know something about shoes, all the better. Or comment on her jewelry, such as a ring. Don’t be overbearing, which translates as desperate, but also don’t look uninterested in some weird attempt to be mysterious. Make eye contact; let her take you in. Many guys have trouble with this, because uncommon beauty can be intimidating, and you look like you aren’t listening or lack confidence. It almost goes without saying that you should be well dressed and well groomed. Being handsome is a plus, but if that’s not an option, try to be rich. If you can, catch her when she doesn’t have her war paint on—you may find her vastly more approachable. If you land a date, keep the physical stuff to a minimum initially, but make it clear that you like her. One of the great fears among models is that they’re being set up as a trophy fuck. Ask for her e-mail address rather than a phone number, which allows you to show your hipness but also gives her some space. But then don’t bombard her with bullshit messages like some cyberstalker. By the way, this advice applies to any woman you find attractive, not just the ones who appear in magazines.

What are the odds that a guy will date a supermodel?—G.P., Canton, Ohio

We’d settle for a regular model. Gregory Baer tackles this question in his book
Life: The Odds
. Assuming that the top 25 supermodels date five American guys a year and that the average guy spends 10 years searching, your odds are 88,000 to one. You improve your chances dramatically—to about 10 to one—if you’re in New York City or Paris and are an actor, musician, athlete, photographer, producer, director or male model. Using supermarket tabloids, Baer tracked the dating patterns of 44 supermodels and found that these groups constitute 82 percent of supermodel boyfriends. The other 18 percent are nearly all lawyers, doctors or other wealthy individuals.

Tripped up

The other night at the bar, two of my friends pointed out a gorgeous woman. After she and I made eye contact, off I went, plowing through the crowd to introduce myself. As I approached, I put my latest pickup strategy into action: I pretended to trip, fell to the floor in front of her, then feigned embarrassment and let her feel sorry for me as I scrambled to my feet. It worked like a charm. The problem is my friends and I often go to the same bar, so before long my “falling for you” move will be well known. Can you suggest any techniques?—T.L.,Roanoke, Virginia