Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (45 page)

It depends on the guy. We only date other people’s exes, but we’ll sleep with anyone.

I’m in love with a friend

I told a friend I would like to have a romantic relationship with her. She said that she found me attractive and liked to spend time with me but wanted to just be friends. She said that she would understand if I didn’t want to see her anymore. I decided to keep things the way they are. I’m hoping she will change her mind. Is there any chance of this happening?—D.B., Detroit, Michigan

It’s possible but not probable. It’s difficult to maintain a friendship when you want more than a person can give.

My girlfriend won’t have sex

My girlfriend and I have been dating for seven months. Two months ago I moved 200 miles to start a four-year graduate program. She told me she would not follow me unless we were engaged. Now she doesn’t want to have sex again until we’re married. She says she has feelings of guilt related to her faith. I have a problem with going from an active sex life to none at all, but I love her and want to make it work. Should I agree to her wishes and spend the next four years masturbating, or should we discuss an alternative?—J.B., Des Moines, Iowa

What alternative? Even if you were having sex, four years is a long time to maintain a long-distance relationship, and you don’t know her well enough to make a decision about marriage.

On the rebound

After we broke up, my ex-boyfriend and I remained friends. We did everything together, even had sex. It was like we’d never split up. But then he found a new girlfriend and stopped calling. We haven’t spoken in three months. I think he hates me. Should I try to reconcile or let him go?—P.C., Tuscaloosa, Alabama

You already know the answer. Being the rebound relationship is always tough, especially when you’re also the ex.

I’ve been seeing this guy for a month. He and his girlfriend of 12 years broke up two months before we met. We have spent almost every night together. The sex is great and so is his personality, but he doesn’t seem to believe in foreplay. I love giving oral, but it’s not much fun when I know he won’t reciprocate. Maybe he doesn’t like my cookie. I have a large clit, and my lips aren’t the cute tucked-away kind. Or maybe he doesn’t like oral. I am a clean girl and have even tried bathing right before the action starts. Maybe his ex didn’t like it and that ruined him. How can I turn this around? I told him I love to be eaten out and that I’m more likely to come that way, but no progress yet.—K.G., San Bernardino, California

Some guys are reluctant to lick for any number of lame reasons. But our guess—this will be hard to confirm since your boyfriend probably won’t admit it, because to do so would threaten the low-obligation sex that’s currently soothing his psychic pain—is that he finds going down on you too intimate. He’s not over her yet, not after two months.

Girlfriend has almost moved in

My girlfriend lives with her parents but spends 28 days of the month at my place. I have no problem with that, but whenever I ask her to help with the bills, she gets angry. She says I make her feel like an intruder. What should I do?—M.B., Little Rock, Arkansas

Ask her to move in—it’s only two more days a month. That may be the source of her hostility. But be careful. If you can’t get together on the bills, it doesn’t speak well for your future together. Money is the root of all evil arguments.

The lingering ex

I ran into my ex and her new boyfriend at a restaurant. She began to flirt with me as if he wasn’t there and even asked me out for the next day. But when I showed up at the bar she’d suggested, she had her boyfriend with her. She again flirted and this time asked me to lunch. I called in the morning to confirm and she said she couldn’t make it. What’s my next move?—J.T., Orlando, Florida

You don’t have one. Your ex is playing you for cheap thrills or to make her boyfriend jealous—probably both.

Say I’m out with a new girlfriend and her ex shows up and tries to win her back, and I have to have a talk with him to set things straight. What is the best thing to say to make him go away and stay away?—S.T., Atlanta, Georgia

What is this,
Wild Kingdom
? To him you’re a nobody, a big mistake, so anything you say will sound as if it’s coming from Charlie Brown’s teacher. It’s a bad situation; step back until your girlfriend can convince her ex that it’s over. It becomes your problem only if she needs to convince herself.

My fiancée left me after four months, saying that God was calling her closer to him. She called to say she wants me back, but I’m happy with my new girlfriend. Should I tell her about the call?—B.S., St. Louis, Missouri

What call?

Why won’t my boyfriend get rid of videos of him and his ex making love? They had a bad breakup, and he says he hates her. We even made new videos of us making love, but that hasn’t changed his mind.—E.R., San Antonio, Texas

The question is, why do they bother you? They’re mementos. She’s not coming back. Just make sure your videos are better lit.

Your advice to the woman who was upset about her boyfriend keeping sex videos of him and his ex is way off the mark. Why shouldn’t a woman be upset with the idea of her boyfriend sitting down with a bowl of popcorn and a tub of lube to “reminisce”? No man needs videos to remember sex. His refusal to consider his girlfriend’s feelings shows his attachment to the past. If he isn’t ready to let go, he isn’t ready to film a sequel.—E.P., Kent, Ohio

We’ll stick with our response. First, every guy knows not to masturbate while eating popcorn—it makes the fast-forward button too slippery. Second, while no man needs a video to remember sex, it sure helps. Finally, the letter wasn’t about sex videos as much as it was about a desire for control. We’ve seen this before. Like a good boy, a guy destroys his videos. His girlfriend then demands that the photos go, then the letters, then the gifts. But you can’t have a guy’s past—only his present and, if you’re lucky, his future.

My girlfriend and I have been together off and on for three years. Six months ago, while we were broken up, another of her exes stayed at her place. As she slept, he videotaped her with one hand while masturbating with the other. She found out about it but continues to hang out with the guy. Months later, after we were back together, she told me what had happened. I was outraged and told her I couldn’t trust him around her any longer. She said I couldn’t tell her who to be friends with. I love this girl, but she refuses to see that this guy is a psycho who violated her. We’ve broken up again over this. What do you think?—B.W., Portland, Oregon

Sounds as if they’re meant for each other. Don’t be surprised if tapes exist in which your ex-girlfriend isn’t asleep.

How to fix a long-distance relationship

I realize most long-distance relationships fizzle, but my girlfriend and I were okay for two years before we recently began hitting a few rocks. Any suggestions how I can improve things?—P.L., Fort Walton Beach, Florida

Move.

She’s afraid of being hurt

I was dating this girl for six weeks. One day, out of the blue, she called it off. I found out that she left because she was afraid of getting hurt. How can I convince her that I won’t hurt her?—E.S., Las Cruces, New Mexico

You can’t make that promise. Every relationship of any value carries this risk.

Will she come back to me?

Several months ago my fiancée came home from work and told me her feelings about me had changed. I moved out, hoping it would blow over. A week later, she started dating her boss. Two weeks after that, she moved in with him. I went to a psychologist, who told me that, based on the statistical evidence, the odds are 80 percent to 90 percent that my fiancée will return. At the suggestion of the psychologist, I went to a psychiatrist, who told me that she wholeheartedly expects my fiancée to return. Now I’m confused and more depressed. Should I expect her to come back, or should I go with my feeling that she’s gone for good?—D.R., Miami, Florida

Go with your gut. Even if your ex comes back, she destroyed your trust. That was probably a fatal blow to the relationship. As for these counselors, they can’t know what your ex is thinking. Ask a friend to recommend a professional with a spine. You need help managing your grief, not a shoulder to cry on—and not false hope.

Am I engaged to a control freak?

My fiancée has been married before, but I have not. She complained that her first husband devoted too much time to interests she didn’t share or that weren’t couples-oriented. I’ve been a blues-metal bass player for years; she says not only does this activity leave her on the sidelines, but there’s too great a chance I’ll meet women at gigs and cheat on her. Now that I’ve left the band, she’s upped the ante, raising a fuss whenever I leave a disc in the CD player by a band she doesn’t like. She used to tell me that my musical ability turned her on. Is there more to this than issues of musical taste and male neglect? I’m beginning to think I’m engaged to a control freak.—J.R., Chicago, Illinois

Beginning to think? Your first mistake was quitting the band. Will they take you back? It seems harsh to break off an engagement over music—or a subscription to
Playboy
or whatever your manly appetites may be—but we always tell guys to proceed with caution, because this stuff is a warning shot over the bow. There will always be something else she doesn’t like—you just may not hear about it until after the rings are exchanged. If you two have any hope of a successful marriage, your fiancée needs to realize that she can’t change you and shouldn’t try. In other words, she has to love the entire album, not just the singles. Frankly, working this out in counseling may be a challenge; it sounds like she still has issues from her first marriage. If you marry her now, you’ll also get her ex-husband.

I had a similar experience. I stupidly let my wife drive away my friends, dispose of my guitars, tell me what type of beer to drink and limit me to an allowance of $10 a week. She had me convinced that if I made “just one more little sacrifice” she would be happy. After I’d given up everything enjoyable in my life, including sex, she began complaining that I used too much toilet paper, shampoo and deodorant. I came to my senses one night while lying awake worrying that she would find my secret stash of toiletries. We divorced, and I’ve never been happier.—K.C., Great Mills, Maryland

Welcome back. You sound like a good guy to have on a camping trip.

When are we together?

At what point do two people become a couple? I say it’s the first time they’re expected to attend an event as a unit.—R.P., Bloomington, Indiana

We say it’s when they’ve both seen each other on the john.

She says she can’t date me

My best friend’s sister says she can’t date me because I’m close to her brother. Should this be a problem, and if so, how can I get her to see past it?—C.P., Fort Collins, Colorado

The bigger problem is she’s not interested.

Young love

Could you give me some insight into this situation? My older brother is 18, and his girlfriend is 16. She is his first girlfriend. At some point she dumped him. He was a mess, crying and everything. Then they got back together, and he was like a lost puppy following her around. Everything he did had to be with her or he wouldn’t do it. Now they’re taking a “break,” and he’s a mess again. What’s the best way to handle this?—N.C., Jackson, Michigan

Your brother isn’t himself at the moment, mostly because he’s on drugs. Specifically, he has a cocktail of hormones rushing through him that he has never dealt with before, and it’s making him temporarily insane. The Beatles sang about this: “I’m in love for the first time. / Don’t you know it’s gonna last? / It’s a love that lasts forever. / It’s a love that had no past.” In other words, because your brother has no experience with relationships, he has given the first one more weight than it deserves. Even Hef went through this phase, as he describes in his
Little Black Book
: “I projected everything that I was interested in onto Betty [his first serious crush], everything I had observed in my life, all the dreams I had extracted from the movies, all of this onto her. She couldn’t possibly have lived up to that. It was an illusion.” Your brother will come around. Be there to help him when the permanent breakup comes and he needs to be distracted. Watch and learn and work on your own independence so you don’t become a lost puppy. This may sound heavy, but store it away: You’ll have more fulfilling relationships if you can accept the fact that no one else can make you content. You accomplish that alone.