Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (44 page)

Are you expecting to get laid anytime soon, Mr. Spock? We see your point, but you’re belaboring it. Lovers, as well as children and their parents, are more than friends. But a relationship that isn’t built on the combination of loyalty, respect and empathy commonly described as friendship isn’t going anywhere. While you and your girlfriend aren’t just friends, you also aren’t just lovers.

Keeping it real

My girlfriend found one of my adult videos in the VCR and she hit the ceiling. Since then, we’ve split over a different issue, so the truth can be told: A man can bang a given woman just so many times before it becomes a bore. The precise number of times depends on several factors, including her attractiveness, the degree of variation in the sex and the guy’s age and sex drive. (As I’ve gotten older, fewer women appeal to me sexually, and I grow tired of those sooner.) Whatever the reason, eventually it happens: You’d rather masturbate to a photo of a 23-year-old with perfect breasts than have sex with your 50-year-old wife after she’s had your kids. Unfair as hell, but true.—P.M., Oakland, California

Yeah, but what’s the wife thinking? Most aging moms would love to spend their sexual energy on a 20-year-old. So why doesn’t every married slug leave his or her spouse at the first sign of wrinkles? Your equation is flawed. We’ve never been naively romantic about relationships—they’re hard work—but you overlooked love, or even affection. For most older-and-wiser guys, that plays a huge role in who they choose to “bang.” The sight of a 23-year-old babe still turns them on, but they have enough invested in their significant other that it works better as fantasy. Having sex with a stranger every week or month or year comes with its own sort of boredom.

He won’t call me his girlfriend

I’m 26 and the guy I’ve been seeing for three months is 28. Although we spend three or four nights a week together, he won’t call me his girlfriend. I asked him about it, and he said he wants to “take it slow.” (It did take him three weeks to sleep with me.) I’ve since heard him describe me as “my girl,” and he doesn’t correct members of his family when they call me his girlfriend. He treats me like his girlfriend—should I be content with that?—K.G., Redlands, California

Your boyfriend is tongue-tied because he’s hoping that someone better will come along. Until that happens, you’ll do.

While it might be true that he’s just waiting for someone better, it’s also possible that he refuses to label the relationship because he is dealing with intimacy or commitment issues. Perhaps she should evaluate why she wants this label, and they can come up with something that meets both of their needs.—J.S., Tucson, Arizona

You mean like fuck buddies? Rebounders? Someday-maybes? You may be correct about his issues, but he should work them out on his own time rather than wasting hers. Labels may be confining, but after three months “girlfriend” threatens no man.

Breaking up is hard to do

I’m trying to break up with my girlfriend. I no longer feel any passion for her, and I want to date other women. (I’m only 21.) She calls me her one true love and tells me that if I loved her I would try to work things out. Whenever I talk about breaking up, she cries and pleads. How can I leave without making it seem as if it’s her fault?—J.T., Reno, Nevada

It’s always difficult to dump someone and have them be happy about it. If your girlfriend believes you are her one true love, you have no choice but to disappoint her, because that person doesn’t exist.

Should I go, or should I fight?

I have a girlfriend who is everything to me; she is my life. Three weeks ago she told me there was another guy and that she isn’t sure who she loves more. Should I leave or fight for what I think is mine?—J.P., Los Angeles, California

If your girlfriend is your life, you need to get a hobby. She’s already made her decision—she chose not to choose—and that’s your signal to back away. While it’s possible to love more than one person, it’s difficult to coordinate.

Mending a broken heart

How do you mend a broken heart?—P.J., San Francisco, California

How about this: Think about your former lover constantly. (You’ve tried to forget her, and that hasn’t worked.) We just read a study of 110 men and women who were asked by University of Virginia psychologists to bring to mind a past love. While one group spent eight minutes pining, the other group tried to suppress the memories. Afterward, the fingers of each participant were checked for sweat—a sign that their emotions had been working overtime. Those who had tried to suppress their memories were much more stressed. The research suggests that focusing on a recently lost love—thinking about her, writing about her, talking about her—may make the affair lose its luster more quickly. You’ll also inspire your friends to fix you up with someone new, since you’ll be boring them to tears.

Let’s be friends

Why is it that when women want to end a relationship, they say they want to be friends when they actually want nothing to do with you? In most situations, I would like to be friends.—S.Y., Boulder, Colorado

They’re being polite. It’s difficult to maintain a friendship after a serious relationship, largely because most people don’t have the energy for the charade. What usually happens is that the dumper feels guilty. It’s not that she dislikes you. If you win the lottery, she’ll be happy for you. If you become famous, she’ll boast about how she dated you (or trash you to Jerry Springer). Meanwhile, the dumpee is thinking, This is just a phase before we get back together. That’s why most post-breakup friendships are shams. The Advisor hereby calls for a worldwide ban on any couple saying they are going to be friends after a relationship dissolves. Get it over with, already. You may be friends someday, after you both find new lovers. But not now.

The fine print

What do you think of this? “On this day, I do wish and desire of my own free will to become the mistress of [man’s name] for a period of seven years. During this period, I shall be given the support of the man to bear his children. We shall agree upon support and accommodation fees to assist the mistress with living costs and expenses. Her duties shall be to escort the man when called and to engage in intimate activities such as dating, romance and sex. She shall be treated with respect and also treat the man with respect. The man shall date and romance her and engage in sexual activities that satisfy both of them. During this time the mistress and the man shall be allowed to date and engage in activities with other partners as often as they desire.”—H.G., San Jose, California

Only a fool would show that contract to a woman, because she might sign it.

Love is a process

Last night I was with the girl I’ve been dating for about two months. (I’m 21, and this is the first girlfriend I’ve had.) I told her I loved her. She replied that she “really likes me.” This was like a kick to my chest. I couldn’t sleep the rest of the night thinking about it. I feel like breaking up with her, even though I know I wouldn’t find anyone better for a long time. What do you think?—M.P., Cambridge, Massachusetts

She did you a favor. You’re not in love, not after eight weeks. You haven’t seen this woman at her worst, and there’s too much lust and emotion involved to accurately gauge how you feel for the long term. Love is a process, not a revelation. If you’re hoping for a relationship rather than just a romance, tell your girlfriend that you didn’t mean to scare the shit out of her, if that’s what you did. Whatever it’s called, at this point all you know for certain is that you enjoy being with her.

The Advisor says “love is a process, not a revelation.” You are so wrong. I met my husband when we were both 17 and knew from the first moment that we were soul mates. We’ve been married for 14 years and have two children. How can you deny love at first sight?—T.R., Dallas, Texas

We’re glad things worked out.

How can I ask her to lose weight?

My girlfriend, whom I love deeply, has been slowly gaining weight in her thighs and butt. We kid about it, but how do I tell her that maybe she should start losing weight? I don’t want to hurt her feelings.—J.A., Newark, New Jersey

There are a few rules in life that should not be broken. Never wear a belt with suspenders. Never pass on a blind curve. And never, ever tell a woman she’s fat, even if you’re “just kidding.” If you do, it won’t matter whether she’s thin or fat, because you won’t have sex with her again. If she asks, you will say she’s beautiful and that you wouldn’t change a thing. If you’re concerned about her weight, lead by example.

What you should know about women

Cheryl Lavin, who writes a relationship column in the
Chicago Tribune
, has been asking her female readers to suggest things that guys should know about women. I thought I would share my favorite responses, in the hope they might educate your male readers: (1) We’ll stop faking it when you stop asking us. (2) Don’t compare our breasts with Pam Anderson’s, especially since you have a shot at ours. (3) Don’t count our shoes and we won’t count your
Playboy
s. (4) We are not nags, it’s just that you never do it the first time. (5) If it itches, wash it. (6) Only the worst kind of a pig stares at other women when he’s with us. We look at other men, but we do it discreetly.—G.T., Arlington Heights, Illinois

We read Lavin’s columns, too, but we marked different items—namely, the more reasonable suggestions provided by men. Here is a sampling: (1) If you think you’re fat, you probably are. (2) Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out. (3) It is in neither your best interest nor ours to take any quiz together. (4) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant it the other way. (5) Our relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were dating. (6) We notice other women because we are men and we are alive.

Wild women

I broke up with a woman who was the most amazing lover I’ve ever had. Unfortunately, she was a head trip. She had been abused by her mother, abandoned by her father, sexually assaulted by her stepmother and raped by two men in her teens, plus she is addicted to alcohol, cocaine and painkillers. She is bipolar and has panic disorder. But she wanted sex daily—oral, anal, bondage, spanking, role playing, exhibitionism (she worked as an exotic dancer), dominance and submission. Because she is bisexual, she had a habit of bringing her girlfriends home for me to screw while she licked my asshole or organized a tag-team blow job. She also had the uncanny ability to get gorgeous strangers in bars, malls and restaurants to show me their tits. Does a woman have to be completely fucked in the head to be such a godsend?—P.J., Arlington, Virginia

There are plenty of well-adjusted women who love crazy sex. They’re just harder to find.

A reader asked if it’s possible to find a woman who is wild in bed but not wild in general—a situation that makes someone fun to sleep with but a nightmare to date. Many women (and men) suffer from borderline personality disorder. I read up on the topic and discovered that women who have BPD are often sexually aggressive or display impulsive behavior such as substance abuse, excessive spending, reckless driving, suicide attempts, etc. People with the disorder have a crippling fear of abandonment, which may have resulted from being abused as children. The first hint a guy gets is usually when his new girlfriend loves him beyond description one minute and hates him more than anyone she knows the next. Whatever the perceived trouble may be, it’s his fault. There’s even a book on BPD called
I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me
. Unfortunately, the disorder is difficult to treat, but sometimes drugs and intense therapy can help. I loved a woman who had BPD, and she almost destroyed me.—A.S., Los Angeles, California

BPD affects an estimated 2 percent of the population, and 75 percent of its victims are women. A relationship with a BPD sufferer usually begins as an intense, impulsive, romantic affair before disintegrating into an anxious and sometimes frightening drama. (Many people compare their relationships with BPD sufferers to walking on eggshells.) Some people who accept a diagnosis of BPD avoid relationships, resigning themselves to going it alone.

Invite to a wedding

My ex-girlfriend asked me, “If you got an invitation, would you come to my wedding?” We dated for seven years and we’ve been apart for 18 months. Should I go?—J.T., Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Do you want to go?

Back to the fold

One of my friends says he never goes back to his old girlfriends because the same problems would come up. Another friend says he frequently dates his exes because people mature and that makes for better relationships. Who’s right?—E.S., Richmond, Virginia