Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (23 page)

Condom rally

I slept with a guy who said he hadn’t had sex in a year. After one stroke he came and said he needed another condom. He put it on, slid inside me, pumped once and came again. Another condom, another stroke and he was done. This “lovemaking” took two minutes, and he never made any effort to please me. The next morning we made out. Without my touching him and while fully clothed, he creamed himself. Again he made no effort to satisfy me. I thought I liked the guy, but now I’m pissed. When he asked me later if I missed him, he showed no sign of embarrassment. He has told our mutual friends that he thinks sex is overrated. Does that mean he doesn’t enjoy it either? We are not talking about a teenager. This guy is in his mid-30s and was married for four years. Should I tell him that he has a problem or let some other poor woman suffer?—L.R., Jacksonville, Florida

Your multiorgasmic pre-ejaculator needs a sex-ed class and perhaps medication. Do you want to provide the former? It sounds like no.

Sex and the older man

As a man in his mid-70s, I’m troubled when I read that we “older” people presumably have reduced sex lives. Growing older has its advantages. In our mid-50s, my wife and I went from having sex three weeks out of the month to four weeks—no more blackout periods. When all the kids had moved out, my wife and I had complete control of the house for any and all activities 24 hours a day. Two years ago I agreed to my wife’s suggestion that every night was a bit of a strain. So we do it every other night, with the exception of special events such as Father’s Day. You may wonder what keeps our interest so high. Good health, good diet, vitamins and hot fantasies. Adult movies also help. So never assume that us older types aren’t enjoying sex to the fullest.—R.H., Litchfield, Connecticut

Who’s assuming? The Advisor often hears from readers of an advanced age (i.e., older than us), and they seem to know what they’re doing. In one survey of singles over 70, two-thirds reported being sexually active. In another study of healthy 80- to 102-year-olds, half said sex was at least as interesting and important to them as when they were younger. You’ll enjoy an anthology edited by Joani Blank called
Still Doing It: Women and Men Over 60 Write About Their Sexuality
. While sex later in life may not be as frequent or intense, Blank’s contributors show that it’s often more tender, satisfying and kinky. Many people come to realize, usually by necessity, that sex can occur even when a penis doesn’t get hard, a vulva doesn’t get wet, and no one reaches climax. Speaking of aging, we were startled by the title of another book that crossed our desk:
Great Sex After 40
. Is it that time already?

Exploring her second nature

My best friend gave me a massage. She rubbed and sucked my breasts and put her fingers inside me. This almost happened once before, but she stopped herself. This time I said it was okay. I like men, but I also enjoyed exploring my bi curiosity. Is it all right for two friends to have sex every so often?—K.K., Tampa, Florida

Okay by us. Personally, we’re tri-curious. We’ll try anything that involves two women.

Bumping the baby

My wife is five months pregnant. Everything I’ve read says having sex won’t harm the fetus. I am sure that’s true, but psychologically I can’t get turned on knowing my penis would be in such close proximity to my child. I also worry that her orgasms might trigger a miscarriage. Am I being paranoid?—C.S., Dayton, Ohio

Not at all. Your intellect is battling your emotions—welcome to parenthood. Sure, your erection will be near the fetus, but think of it as staying in adjacent rooms at the same resort. The only opening to the womb is the cervix, which at this point is the size of a pinhead and plugged with mucous, so there’s no danger of poking your kid in the head. If you’re uncomfortable with intercourse (some guys are okay with the penetration but dislike the idea of a kid between partners during missionary), think outside the box. Get your fingers and tongue involved, or use a dildo—straight on, it looks like a rattle. Although the baby may kick or move each time your wife comes, it’s highly unlikely the contractions will cause problems. Doctors routinely caution women who have had miscarriages or premature labor in the past to be careful. Ask yours for reassurance.

My husband doesn’t have fantasies

I asked my husband to tell me his sexual fantasies, and he claimed he didn’t have any. When I persisted, he said pleasing me is his fantasy. Is he saying that to stop me from asking or because he’s afraid to share? Can a man actually not have any fantasies?—S.M., Denver, Colorado

Doubtful. We suspect your husband has a few kinky ideas but believes you would judge them harshly or fail to understand, and he has no interest in hurting you or making himself vulnerable. For example, a natural fantasy for a married guy is fucking another—usually younger—woman or having a threesome. But some wives take even the idea of variety as an insult (“I’m not enough for you?”). Rather than push him on this subject, ask if he’ll indulge you. While your fantasy is playing out, his desires may reveal themselves. The simplest way to do this is to experiment with role-playing—for example, the classic doctor-patient or teacher-student scenarios that cater to our base desire to be dominant and/or submissive. Weave your tale for him—simply calling him Professor in a sweet voice as you
unbuckle his pants may unleash the beast. In her book
Fantasy Made Flesh
, Deborah Addington suggests other offbeat pairings, such as bandit and victim, deity and worshipper, dorky teen and Playmate, drill sergeant and private, pet and owner, and president and intern. Have fun.

An ex-girlfriend once asked me the same question, and I honestly gave her the same answer. She offered to set up a threesome, but I said no. Why didn’t I have fantasies? Because she took care of all my needs, sexually and otherwise. For example, if I was watching football on TV, she would prepare food, bring me beers and give me head at halftime. When I got home from work she’d say, “I know you’re tired, but can we please have sex?” She even went to the gun club with me to learn to shoot. Anything I could do for her in return wasn’t enough. This idea that I must have routine fantasies became such a point of contention that it damaged our trust, and the relationship ended. She fulfilled all my desires but wouldn’t believe it. Now I have fantasies about strangers but only memories of her.—J.P., Liverpool, New York

Did you consider that your ex’s fantasy was to share a fantasy with you? Given her willingness to explore boundaries (yours and hers, known or yet to be discovered), you showed an amazing lack of creativity. She deserved better.

A cheap fuck would be good for us

My girlfriend and I have been going out for nine months. We have sex four or five times a week, which to me is similar to Social Security—you can live on it, but barely. Whenever she goes down on me, it’s usually only after I ask her to, which ruins the anticipation. I feel a little guilty asking her to do something that she doesn’t seem to enjoy. One night she began stroking me. I wanted her to make the first move, so I laid back and made it clear I was enjoying myself. She kept stroking me with her dry hand. After 10 minutes, I told her I was getting raw. But instead of getting lube or going down on me, she just stopped. The subsequent conversation brought out a lot. She says that oral sex makes her feel slutty, and that she’s just a dud when it comes to sex. I had bought some sex toys and she’s been able to use them to reach “really good” orgasms (she’s told me I’m the first guy to make her climax). But she’s never lost it, gone crazy, etc. All we ever do is “make love.” I’ve told her that some cheap fucking could be good for us. I try to be creative but she never likes one thing more than another. I tell her she hasn’t discovered her underlying sexual animal yet. Any suggestions for finding it, or are there some people who have no libido? I’ve been able to make every other girl I’ve been with do whatever I want her to do, so long as I promise to do for her what she likes.—W.H., Seattle, Washington

Your girlfriend isn’t a dud. She’s a beginner. Cut her some slack. We appreciate what you’re saying—you want her to fuck your brains out. But you also can’t get caught up in the porn ethos that says a woman isn’t satisfied until she’s clutching the bed and screaming for more. You’ve made the right moves—buying sex toys, talking to her about your desires, asking what she likes. Don’t get discouraged. It may take time for her to gain enough confidence to “go crazy.” You might try a different approach—instead of daily sex, rev her up slowly. Tease her. View everything you do together as foreplay. Whisper to her what you have in mind. Be kind to her. Promise her mysterious pleasures, and give her a date and time to be ready. Once you’re there, don’t play mind games by making her guess what you want. If you’re after cheap fucking, explain yourself. Does it mean you want her to grab you at the door and, without saying a word, use your cock as a dildo? Make that request. Eventually, she’ll be better at anticipating and start to surprise you. If all else fails, stick your tongue up her ass. Keep searching for that inner slut.

Sleep sex

After an evening of energetic sex with my girlfriend, I awoke at 2:30
AM
to find her lips on my cock. I said, “I can’t believe this, baby,” at which point she pulled away, looking startled. Turns out she was asleep and had no idea what was going on. My girlfriend is a sleepsucker! We both are wondering if this is common.—R.C., Vermillion, South Dakota

It’s not common enough, that’s for sure. In 1996 we ran letters from two women who claimed their husbands had made love to them while asleep. We had our doubts, but a respected sleep expert, Dr. Michael Thorpy of the Sleep-Wake Disorder Center at Montefiore Medical Center in New York assured us that people are capable of doing many unusual things while slumbering. We called him for an update. “There’s now more awareness among doctors that this occurs,” he says. “It’s part of a process known as confusional arousal. It occurs while people are in a deep sleep—deeper than even the dream stage—usually during the first half of the night. Something rouses them, but they don’t wake up. Instead they enter a half-sleep, half-awake state.” That leads to sleepwalking or other odd behavior. One study at Stanford University involved two sleeping women who
would moan loudly as if being aroused, a woman and a man who would masturbate furiously, and six men and a woman who would make unwanted and sometimes violent advances on their partner. A 26-year-old would fondle her husband and talk dirty to him. When he responded, she would wake up and accuse him of trying to seduce her while she slept. Her husband wouldn’t believe she had been unconscious. They went to a counselor but didn’t make any progress until a sleep lab revealed what was going on.

My new boyfriend told me he falls asleep after he climaxes. I thought he meant likes to hit the sack, but he passes out for 30 seconds. I laugh or tickle him and get no response. He also told me he can’t have sex in the shower because he might injure himself. Is this for real?—P.L., Miami, Florida

It’s unusual but not unheard of. Dr. Thorpy suspects your boyfriend may suffer from a combination of narcolepsy (sudden unexpected sleep or sleepiness) and cataplexy (the extreme muscle weakness or temporary paralysis associated with narcolepsy). The two conditions usually appear separately but sometimes merge. The emotional stimulus of orgasm can trigger cataplexy, which can lead to sudden, brief REM (dream-state) sleep. According to Dr. Thorpy, cataplexy occurs at orgasm in about 40 percent of narcoleptics. And about 30 percent suffer from sleep attacks during sex. Certain antidepressant medications can help.

Lingerie secrets

I’d like to buy my wife some lingerie but have no idea what to get her. Any suggestions?—P.R., Providence, Rhode Island

The best lingerie is comfortable enough that she’ll want to put it on and revealing enough that you’ll want to take it off. If you see an item of lingerie and think “slutty,” she won’t like it. If you think “elegant,” she will. Check your wife’s underwear drawer for her bra and panty sizes. The number one reason—or excuse—for returns is poor fit.

My friend says a woman should wear her panties under the garter. I say they are worn over the garter. Who’s right?—L.C., Bridgeport, West Virginia

It depends on your date. A good girl wears her panties under the garter, so they’re harder to remove. A bad girl doesn’t have the patience to unhook her hose.

What is tantric sex?

I have been seeing the term “tantric sex” lately and have to plead ignorance. (Or is it innocence?) Quick description, please?—D.P., Omaha, Nebraska

Tantra is a spiritual movement that views prolonged, ritualistic sexual pleasure as a path to the divine. Why can’t more religions be like that? It dates from about the sixth century, when it arose within both Hinduism and Buddhism. To extend lovemaking, male tantrists teach themselves to withhold ejaculation during climax, which allows them to maintain their erections. The method takes practice and is accomplished by pressing a point along the perineum or through superior muscle control. Interlocked couples also typically gaze into each other’s eyes, searching for enlightenment. (They may not find it, but eye contact can be an incredible turn-on.) In the West, the word
tantra
has come to describe any type of meditative sexuality, especially among marketers, but traditional tantra covers a wider range of beliefs and rituals. You’ll find an introduction online at the Church of Tantra at tantra.org. There, Swami Nostradamus Virato introduces tantra this way: “There is a most beautiful word for sex in the Sanskrit language, and that is Kama, which means sex and love indivisible. Almost everyone is familiar with the
Kama Sutra
, a tantric treatise on lovemaking. Kama is also the name of the Hindu goddess of love. And love is what tantra encourages—total unconditional love, including the mind, the spirit and the body. In tantra, the orgasm is with the universe.” Talk about a big bang.