Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (26 page)

Our kids saw me tied up

One of my turn-ons is to be bound and gagged. With my husband due home from work in half an hour and my teenage daughters at a sleepover, I had a girlfriend tie me up (fully clothed) and leave me in a kitchen chair. My husband was late, but after 45 minutes my daughters appeared. Their sleepover had been canceled. After they untied me I told them their father and I were playing a game. They seemed to accept that but could they now think I’m weird? Should I attempt a better explanation?—L.L., Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

All teenagers think their parents are weird; you just confirmed it for your daughters. We like your explanation, and it’s none of their business beyond what you offered anyway. But take a lesson from your misadventure: It’s never a good idea to be tied up and left alone. Bondage requires safeguards, including supervision and safe words or signals. Your girlfriend should have hung around until your husband returned, even if she had one foot out the door. You should also send your daughters to camp.

Honey, I’m home…

Three weeks ago, I got home from work to find my wife dressed in leather and holding a whip. She said I was to be punished for arriving home late. I didn’t know what she was talking about, but I went along with it. I went upstairs to shower as I always do. Two of my wife’s friends were waiting, and they ambushed me, stripped off my clothes and tied me to the bed. My wife beat my ass with the whip until I could barely stand it anymore. Then she made me perform cunnilingus on her friends. She stood over us, telling me that today she was the boss and that I would do as I was told. I got so hard I thought I was going to burst. Then came the real surprise. My wife loves anal intercourse, but she turned the tables, strapped on a dildo and gave me what I had been giving her. She knew enough to use a lot of lube, and it felt great. I’ve had to wear panties to work every day since, and I’m never sure what to expect when I get home. Is there something wrong with my wife, or do a lot of women enjoy this?—G.K., Des Moines, Iowa

Did you get her permission to write us, dogmeat? Erotic female domination is a place most couples never go, but it’s out there. Keri Pentauk, who edited a magazine for the scene called
Whap!
, says “a lot of women reach the point where they feel they have no choice but to put their foot down. You should thank your lucky stars you have such a fantastic wife.”

Give them a foot…

My girlfriend has gorgeous feet. For some reason, hot-pink polish on her toenails drives me nuts. I also love to see wrinkles in her soles, especially when she’s sitting in a chair and curls her toes on the ground. My girlfriend once met a fellow who begged to rub her feet. Another guy commented on her painted toenails, and even had the guts to say, “I’ll bet he does your feet,” referring to me. Does the Advisor hear from many foot fetishists?—K.T., Fort Worth, Texas

Sure, including a number who can’t understand why we don’t publish closeups of the Playmates’ feet. That’s not to say we can’t appreciate the graceful lines, suckable toes and delicate balance of a woman’s cloppers. We’ve even heard image consultants complain that open-toed shoes reveal too much “cleavage” for the office. Some theorize that men fixate on women’s feet because they’re harder to reach than the genitals. Feet are also less demanding sexually—you don’t have to arouse her toes—which may appeal to men with performance anxieties.

In a recent issue
Playboy
featured several models displaying their beautiful feet. In the event this becomes a trend, I thought I would share my ideas about what constitutes a hot foot. It should be rounded instead of angular, as if diagrammed using a compass. The toes should be orbs of diminishing diameter, aligned in an arch, with none protruding above or retracting below this line. They also should be free to wriggle, not scrunched together or pressed into angular shapes. The balls of the feet should be well defined, with a high instep and a broad heel. I don’t personally meet the definition of a fetishist, because it’s not necessary that a woman’s feet or any other body part match my ideal. But it’s nice when it happens.—R.B., Miami Beach, Florida

Once you start looking for barefoot women, they turn up everywhere. Playboy Special Editions has published several volumes of
Barefoot Beauties
, and many adult movies now seem to include at least one sole-searching scene. One hypothesis is that the relative safety of foot sex becomes more appealing during epidemics of sexually transmitted diseases. A study published a few years ago in
Psychological Reports
argued that each of the three major STD epidemics during the past millennium was accompanied by a surge of interest in the female foot in art, literature and fashion. To see if the pattern continued with AIDS, the researchers counted the number of photos featuring bared female feet in
Playboy
,
Penthouse
and six other adult magazines between 1965 and 1994. They found a fourfold increase.

Bondage 101

I grew up in a small town but recently moved to Chicago. I feel fairly unsophisticated. For example, I met a woman at a bar who told me she was into bondage. Does that mean she wants to be tied up or that she wants to tie me up? The women in Chicago seem much more confident and aggressive than those I knew growing up.—D.T., Chicago, Illinois

Tell us about it. Turn your back for a second around here and you’ll find yourself handcuffed to the bed. When you see this woman again—if she doesn’t find you first—ask if she’s a top or a bottom. This will reveal your casual knowledge of the topic; Jay Wiseman’s
Erotic Bondage Handbook
can provide a more thorough education. A top generally likes to control the sexual situation, though the control is a fantasy, since both partners can end the game at any time. As a top,
she would tie you up and discipline you. If she’s a bottom, she’ll want you to take charge. Or she may enjoy playing either role.

At Realmstone.com, we avoid the terms
top
and
bottom
because everything we do is considered a consensual power exchange, and sadism and masochism are not always necessarily so. It’s better, especially for the novice, to use terms such as
dominant
(or
dom
) and
submissive
(or
sub
). If D.T. enjoyed the sensations of being dominated in a social setting, he can safely explore the sensations online before he considers a real-life encounter.—M.S., Anaheim, California

Isn’t every relationship a consensual power exchange?

Rape fantasy

I fantasize about being raped. Is that normal? If it is, how should I request playing out this fantasy? To tell my fiancé would ruin the element of surprise that turns me on. I’m also not quite sure how he would handle it.—K.M., Houston, Texas

Being overpowered is a common sexual fantasy, though calling it rape is a misnomer. Rape is an act of violence over which the victim has no control. You always retain some control over the fantasy, because you can end the situation with a single word. It isn’t going to happen spontaneously, because your fiancé isn’t going to force you to do anything. You’ll have to explain yourself. Tell him you want to be “taken.” Ask him to make demands, and repeat them, and ignore your protests unless you utter a preestablished code word. (Use something like yellow or red rather than stop or no.) Then he can surprise you.

Sorting it out

What is the difference between a transvestite, a transsexual and a hermaphrodite?—M.O., St. Louis, Missouri

New to the dating scene? A transvestite is a person (usually a man, and usually heterosexual) who is turned on by wearing the clothing of the opposite sex. A transsexual is a person with gender dysphoria (i.e., he or she feels trapped inside the body of the opposite sex), a situation that often leads to hormone treatments and surgery. A hermaphrodite is born with male and female genitalia and may identify with either sex. These days a transsexual is more likely to be referred to as transgendered, and a hermaphrodite to be called intersexed.

Pedal to the metal

Ever since I was a child, I have fixated on women in cars that won’t start. I suppose you could call this a fetish, because it gets me incredibly turned on. Have you ever heard of such a thing?—A.K., Harrisonburg, Virginia

We don’t recommend that you work as a mechanic.

Eating out

You may not believe this, but I fantasize about being eaten. I don’t mean oral sex but full-scale devouring by a woman who gets so excited by my taste that she loses all control and consumes me, cleanly and painlessly. There are a few variations on the theme: being cooked for a feast held by a group of hungry women, or being eaten slowly, with each piece cooked in front of me. Some of my girlfriends have been amused by my desires, but others were horrified. Have you ever heard of this?—W.I., Cleveland, Ohio

No, but we’re never surprised anymore. Katharine Gates opens her book
Deviant Desires
with a story she heard from a New York dominatrix. One of the woman’s clients had drawn knobs and dials on a large cardboard box to make it resemble an oven. Wearing only socks, he laid on his back inside the box, put his arms tight against his sides and lifted his knees, so he resembled a turkey. The dominatrix then described for him how the oven was slowly growing hotter, and how she couldn’t wait to remove her roaster, carve him up and eat him. Gates thought this unusual until she investigated and found a universe of people who shared similar cannibalistic desires. (It is known as
vore
, which makes you a vorephile.) “It’s a kind of rape fantasy that substitutes oral engulfment for intercourse,” Gates writes. As to why this idea turns you on, there are theories that it has to do with separation anxiety or an early fixation with nature shows and fairy tales. To each his own. We’re content to have a woman devour our penis, as long as she doesn’t chew.

He wants boobs

I have been a cross-dresser for many years. My wife has always allowed me to wear panties and bras and carry a purse around the house. I also wear a nightgown to bed. Now, after 25 years of marriage, my wife has suggested I get breast implants. She said that because I’m getting ready to retire and I often wear a bra under my clothes, “why not get some boobs for it?” She said she wants me to get big ones—“boobs you have to deal with.” She wants them to bounce when I walk. I was flabbergasted at first, but now I think I’d like to do it. Can you help me find a good plastic surgeon?—D.P., Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

No, no, no, no. Breasts are like babies. They’re fun to play with, but only when they belong to someone else. Even if we thought this was a good idea, a board-certified plastic surgeon wouldn’t consider such a fundamental change unless you were living full-time as a woman and had a note from your shrink. Now, what’s up with your wife?

Fired up

My boyfriend and I have a friend who told us he puts a gun in his girlfriend’s mouth while they have sex. I asked him if the gun was loaded, and he said, “Of course. What would be the point of doing it with an empty gun?” He said his girlfriend insists the safety be off. I was horrified, but I’m wondering if most men would find this game erotic or exciting. My boyfriend admitted he would enjoy doing it if he had the chance. He won’t—at least not with me. I would be so frightened that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the sex. Have you ever heard of this?—M.W., Brooklyn, New York

Yeah, we’ve heard of it—Richie Aprile and Tony’s sister Janice did something like this on
The Sopranos
. It was creepy as drama, and it’s creepy in real life. If your boyfriend wants a thrill, he should try it first while masturbating.

I think this activity is more prevalent than you’d expect. I had the joyous and miserable experience of dating a stripper. One day I took her to a shooting range to fire my Tec-9. She went through five boxes of ammo, then suggested we play out a fantasy she had of being overpowered by a man with a gun. She wanted to do this in public, but I thought better of it. We reached a compromise: I knocked on the door of my house carrying a coat over my arm to hide the gun. She answered the door pretending to be a real estate agent showing the house. The muzzle went into her mouth as soon as we got inside and the door was closed. She insisted that the gun be loaded, and that the safety be off. She even made me load it while she watched. I tried to discourage this fantasy, but her response was always “If you can’t kill me, you can’t thrill me.” There is no way I would ever put a loaded gun into someone’s mouth. Once I got outside the door, I would pull the active clip, put in an empty one, remove the round from the chamber and pull the trigger at least three times. The scenarios that followed included her being held up against a wall while slowly shedding her clothes and being backed through the house to the bedroom with her hands up, then being told to strip and move to the bed. As long as the fantasy was intense, she was hot for it. You can bet your ass I never had a sip of alcohol before we played these games. If anything went wrong, can you imagine a jury buying my story? Our relationship ended after a year. I’m certain I will never again run my hands over such a beautiful body, but, unfortunately, the body was attached to a brain that was part bitch and part psycho. It was creepy fun while it lasted.—J.M., Tucson, Arizona