Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (52 page)

The reader admitted she is bitter. That’s a turnoff no matter what your size. She should get a hobby. I suggest something aerobic, like belly dancing. She’ll learn that even plus-sizers like us can make men cry.—S.J., Salt Lake City, Utah

In my book
Guy Logic
, single guys bluntly fess up about what they want. No one wants to be cruel, but people don’t succeed until they stop living fairy tales about whom they can get. The odds are slim that a Roseanne Barr will get a Brad Pitt, so some women (and men) need to cut the crap.—Guy Sparks, New York, New York

Your reply was asinine. When all men develop perfect bodies, maybe all women will too.—M.F., Arlington, Virginia

Our response should have been more expansive. More important, we didn’t answer the reader’s question. So, belatedly: Yes, a man can be happy with a larger woman—as many have told us they are. But confident or not, a woman will attract the attention of far fewer men (and vice versa) if overweight. That isn’t fair, but it’s the honesty the reader asked for.

You took a beating for your reply to the size-16 woman who wanted to know if a cute face was enough for her to find a man. But the Advisor’s honesty, brutal or otherwise, is the reason I read
Playboy
. When people ask you for the truth, they actually want you to affirm their unrealistic fantasies. Because men are confronted with the harsh realities of life and dating at an earlier age, we do not so easily find solace in fairy tales.—T.S., New York, New York

Not sure that’s true—we hear from plenty of men who have unrealistic expectations.

Your critics are too harsh. The woman told you she was heavy and therefore didn’t have a man and therefore was bitter. This is a common pattern. Many people gain weight to avoid intimacy, but it doesn’t always work for women, because they date and marry up, while men date and marry down. That is, even a woman who is a 1 on a scale of 1 to 10 will be attractive to a guy who is a 2. You also see women who become 10s only so they can say that no man is good enough.—S.S., Chicago, Illinois

That explains why we date so many 9s.

The angry letters took up too much space, especially since you were right. Drop it!—J.R., New Orleans, Louisiana

Done. But where were you guys when we needed you?

SPIRITS

Flavors to savor.

Any value to old whiskey?

Recently I talked my father out of two bottles of Crown Royal distilled in 1957. Do these bottles have any value that should give me pause before I crack one open for a special occasion?—G.M., Lynnwood, Washington

Because it’s mass-produced, even Crown Royal bottled nearly 50 years ago has mostly sentimental value. John Hansell of
Malt Advocate
suggests you sip it with your father while toasting his generosity. Rather than blended Canadian whiskeys, collectors search almost exclusively for single-malt scotch produced in limited quantities by respected distilleries. (Blended whiskeys generally need to be at least 80 years old to get a second look.) A bottle of vintage Macallan from 1938, 1940 or 1950, for example, can be worth $1,000. Both Hansell and David Wainwright, who appraises whiskeys for Christie’s, mentioned an elusive single-malt scotch produced by the now-defunct Ladyburn distillery. Hansell bought a bottle for $23 at a Manhattan wine-shop in the 1980s that he later sold for $2,000; a Christie’s client from Scotland won hers in a raffle. Another client purchased a bottle at a shop in Spain, asked Wainwright what it might be worth, then flew back to buy the seven others.

What is an extra-dry martini?

What exactly is an extra-dry martini? Isn’t that another name for gin?—P.L., San Antonio, Texas

Some people argue that, prepared properly and served in the right glass, straight gin qualifies as an extra-dry martini. (As the story goes, Winston Churchill made martinis by glancing across the room at the vermouth.) That’s ridiculous. A martini has to include some measure of vermouth, even if it’s added from an eyedropper or spray bottle. The classic recipe for dry is four to eight parts gin to one part vermouth. For extra dry, swirl the vermouth in the glass to coat the sides, then dump it and add the gin. Alternatively, you can fill a pitcher with ice, add two measures of dry vermouth, stir and pour the vermouth off. When you add the gin, it will pick up the vermouth from the ice.

Eating the olive

When is the proper time to eat the olive in your martini?—M.M., Denver, Colorado

Gary Regan, co-author of
The Martini Companion
, recommends waiting until you finish your drink. “Otherwise you have to stick your fingers into the martini, and you might spill some of it,” he says. (Toothpicks are out, by the way.) Connoisseurs who prefer very dry martinis marinate their olives in vermouth for months, and they always add the garnish after the drink has been poured. How many olives? Regan says to go with an odd number but says three is too many (which leaves one—these martini guys love formulas). Another guide offers this rule: One is elegant, two is proper and three is a meal.

I once read an interview with Frank Sinatra in which he said that the number of olives in a martini should always be two—one for yourself and one to share with the next beautiful woman who walks into the room.—K.M., Carmel, Indiana

God, we miss that guy.

Scotch tastings

When I was a kid, my dad used to have scotch tastings for his friends. What goes into one?—A.R., Nashville, Tennessee

First, select a sampling of single malts and blends. Use tulip-shaped glasses or brandy snifters and make sure each guest has a water glass, plenty of ice and a plate of unflavored crackers for cleansing the palate. Set out several pitchers of room-temperature, noncarbonated mineral water for adding to the scotch. Before tasting it, guests should swirl the whiskey in the glass to bring up the aroma. After sipping, they should savor the taste as it lingers in the mouth (the “finish”). When each bottle has been sampled, bring out strong-flavored foods to complement the smokiness of the scotch—one distiller suggests oysters on the half shell, caviar, smoked meats, pâtes and aged cheeses.

Blended scotch whiskey

How can you tell if you’re drinking a good blended Scotch whiskey?—B.L., Oakland, California

A fine blended whiskey should taste slightly different each time you sip it. One sip could be slightly peaty, another slightly dry, another slightly peppery. In theory, blended whiskeys combine the best qualities of various malts.

Wise to pour good whiskey on ice?

As I’ve gotten older, I have acquired a taste for good scotch: single malt, at least 18 years old. My problem is that I drink it only on the rocks. Am I ruining $150 scotch by pouring it over ice?—N.G., Minneapolis, Minnesota

It’s your scotch and your money, so you can drink it any way you want. But you’re missing much of the flavor. If you were to offer us a glass, we’d take it neat. That’s also how it’s traditionally served in the U.K. If you need a dash of water, there are pitchers around the pub. While we’re on the topic, older whiskeys don’t necessarily taste better. If anything, they start to taste more like the oak barrel. You’ll find more good whiskeys in their teens than older.

Who gets drunk faster?

Who becomes intoxicated faster, men or women?—B.B., Ogden, Utah

A common theory used to be that a man’s body contains more water than a woman’s and thereby dilutes alcohol more effectively. But researchers have found that women have less of the stomach enzyme which metabolizes liquor. As a result, more pure alcohol moves into a woman’s blood, intestines and liver, making her more likely to become impaired than a man of equal weight drinking at the same rate.

What is it about champagne that makes it go straight to my head?—T.Y., Phoenix, Arizona

An experiment conducted by researchers at the University of Surrey in England confirmed that bubbly champagne gets a person drunker faster, especially when you drink from a flute. No one is sure why, but one hypothesis is that the carbon dioxide in the bubbles speeds up the absorption of the alcohol into the intestines.

The Goldeneye

Last month
Playboy
listed the “best beach drink” as the Goldeneye, available at the Jamaican resort of the same name that once was the home of James Bond creator Ian Fleming. Can you share the recipe?—M.R., Tallahassee, Florida

Happy to. Chris Blackwell, who owns the resort (he’s better known for founding Island Records), and Goldeneye barman Clayton Hinds created the drink. Combine one measure lime juice, three measures clear syrup, one measure Appleton Estate Jamaica Rum (21 years old), four measures Appleton Special Rum and two measures Myers’s Dark Rum. It should fill about half the blender. Add ice to fill to the top and blend at high speed until the drink is firm. Serve in a traditional cocktail glass. Garnish with a fresh flower from an orchid. If an orchid isn’t available, use another small tropical flower, a wedge of pineapple or a cherry.

The half-life of Jello shots

How long can gelatin shots sit around in the fridge and still be good to eat?—M.G., San Francisco, California

If you’ve covered them in cling wrap, they should last for up to a week. This according to Chaz Boston Baden, the foremost authority on gelatin shots. Since 1994 he has maintained a site at boston-baden.com/hazel/Jello that offers his philosophy (shots should be served as alcoholic desserts, not as a quick way to get drunk), advice (use sugar-free gelatin for easier cleanup) and recipes, such as his world-famous margarita shot: Stir a large box of lime-flavored gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water until dissolved. Add 1 cup cold water, 1/2 cup tequila and 1/4 cup triple sec. Chill until set. Makes 8 half-cup or 16 quarter-cup servings. For a strawberry margarita use strawberry gelatin and 1/4 cup lime juice or lime schnapps. Use gin instead of tequila for a kamikaze or rum instead of tequila for a daiquiri.

Does booze have health benefits?

I’ve read that two or three drinks a night can have health benefits. I’ve also read that five or six drinks are unhealthy. I drink about half a pint of 80 proof booze, usually whiskey or rum, each night. It helps me sleep. Am I living healthily or headed to an early grave?—M.R., Scranton, Pennsylvania

You’re putting away the equivalent of six shots a day, which qualifies as heavy drinking. It’s also not a good sign that you can’t sleep without it. The only medical value in consuming alcohol is associated with light to moderate consumption. For example, numerous studies have concluded that people who consume one to two glasses of alcohol daily have lower incidences of coronary heart disease. Apparently any type of alcohol provides the benefit, although wine drinkers seem to fare best. However, this may be because, as a group, they exercise more and eat better than the louts who drink beer or liquor. In
The Science of Healthy Drinking
, published by the Wine Appreciation Guild, Gene Ford collects a variety of epidemiological studies that seem to indicate that people who consume in moderation are healthier than those who abstain—a fact he says medical and health authorities in the United States downplay because it’s politically incorrect. Ford dug up studies suggesting that alcohol helps prevent or lessens the damage from upper-body pain, hardening of the arteries, blood clots, high blood pressure, cancer, heart attacks, strokes, Alzheimer’s, diabetes, gastrointestinal problems, kidney stones, gallstones, osteoporosis, stress, tremors, ulcers and the common cold.