Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (31 page)

Here is our response: (1) 1994 was a long, long time ago, in man years. (2) You’re right: Masturbation is a problem when your partner isn’t getting enough sex. (3) Masturbation isn’t cheating. That’s ridiculous. (4) You are misinformed if you believe that women masturbate only when they’re not being satisfied. (5) A guy’s only choice before she was around was his hand. He’d survive.

Ladies, we are all bothered by our guys’ masturbating. It is a selfish act that makes us feel a variety of things, from rejected to worthless to unattractive to cheated on. However, guys are going to continue to masturbate. They can’t help themselves. They say to themselves, “It’s there, it feels good, so why not?” Women have more control. So what can you do? Confront your husband. Ask him how often he does it, what he thinks about, if it is a reflection on your relationship and what you can do to make him turn to you for pleasure. Your husband is not going to want to discuss this. Masturbation is something he has hidden since age 12 or 13 and he’s going to feel you have invaded his private world. If he is like most guys, he will make a smartass comment and change the subject. This is where you will have to stress how deeply it affects you. If he loves you completely, he will listen and eventually the conversation will unfold. I’m not saying that he’ll stop, but at least he knows how you feel. Then, if the masturbation continues and your sex life suffers, he won’t be surprised when you move on.—R.R., Atlanta, Georgia

Who, exactly, are you going to move on to? A guy who doesn’t masturbate, or just one who’s better at hiding it from you? Women don’t possess more control than men, or less desire. They’re simply more often socialized not to explore “down there.” Those who work past that taboo have a wonderful time. Many of our female readers will be amused at your notion that they should “confront” their partner about his lifelong habit, as if he needed an intervention (“Honey, your family is here because we feel you’re wrestling the noodle a little too much”). In our world—and we’re glad to live in it—a guy telling his wife what he thinks about when he masturbates is called foreplay.

My husband is free to beat off whenever he has the urge. I masturbate just about every morning in the shower, and the fantasies I invent often become part of our lovemaking. It never occurred to me that my attitude about jerking off was unusual.—E.O., Chicago, Illinois

I love watching my husband masturbate. Occasionally, if I’m not in the mood, he’ll go ahead without me. Sex in a marriage isn’t about keeping score and trying to ensure that your partner’s orgasms are always directly related to or caused by you. Confronting your partner is not going to improve your sex life. You’ll have a lot more luck tapping into that sexual energy in a positive, nonconfrontational way.—N.M., Silver Spring, Maryland

I’m a guy who doesn’t masturbate. Never have, probably never will. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with masturbation, but I’ve always found it satisfying to have a woman do it for me. Lucky for me, I’ve never had a problem finding one. Does that make me a liar or a freak? I don’t think so.—T.J., Atlanta, Georgia

Your day will come.

Guys masturbate because it’s low maintenance and immediately gratifying. If you want your husband to stop, you need to offer something even more low maintenance and immediately gratifying. If you blow him every morning, that might slow him down. But if your goal is for him to stop completely, you’ll have to provide at least three BJs a day. My husband of 19 years gets oral sex every day. Yes, he still masturbates. He also scopes out all the hot babes. And I’m happy he does.—M.P., Santa Rosa, California

Masturbation fantasies

My friends and I were the last guests at a party. Everyone was a little drunk. Someone posed a question to the group: “What’s the oddest thing you’ve masturbated to?” One girl said NFL football, a guy said receptionists (not a particular receptionist, but the idea) and another guy said women who smoke calabash-type pipes. All of these answers passed without comment. Then I said, “Cartoon women”—notably Holli Would from
Cool World
, Julia Chang from
Tekken 3
and Rogue from
X-Men
comics. My friends all laughed hysterically. Am I as fucked up as they claim?—S.J., New Orleans, Louisiana

You’re taking grief from those weirdoes?

Breaking old habits

From what I gather, I masturbate differently than most guys. Wearing underwear, I lie on my stomach, make my right hand into a fist and rub my penis with my knuckles. I’ve tried stroking my penis the normal way but I can’t reach orgasm. It also affects me when I’m with a woman. Blow jobs don’t do much for me, and I take forever to come during sex. Have you ever heard of this?—B.B., Santa Barbara, California

Many therapists believe that if you masturbate in an unorthodox way over a long period of time, you may condition yourself to respond only to that stimulation. Your situation is a textbook example of what has been called “traumatic masturbatory syndrome.” Writing in the
Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy
, therapist Lawrence Sank described four of his patients who had trouble getting erect or reaching orgasm during sex. He attributed this to their masturbatory technique, which was to lie on their stomachs and rub their penises against the mattress, a pillow or the sheets. One 62-year-old had used this method almost daily for decades to avoid touching his penis, which a priest had told him was the equivalent of “recrucifying Jesus.” Another man used your technique, but with both fists. Sank calls for better sex education for young men to prevent these problems. A website devoted to fighting TMS (healthystrokes.com) recommends that boys be taught to masturbate only on their backs.

One-two punch

Is it okay to masturbate while wearing boxing gloves?—R.G., Chicago, Illinois

Sure. Knock yourself out.

Jack-off clubs

While searching online I came across a site devoted to what teenagers once called circle jerks. A coed solo sex party sounds like a great alternative to a full-blown orgy, especially since it eliminates the risk of STDs. How would I find one?—N.T., Los Angeles, California

Since 1987 Tom and Lynda Gayle have been hosting parties at least monthly in Tampa and Orlando as part of their Club Relate (clubrelate.net). Couples and singles interested in attending must complete a two-hour orientation, during which they talk about their masturbation experiences, and they must agree to the club rules: no drugs, no smoking and always be polite by saying, “No, thank you, but thank you for asking.” As many as 40 people attend each party, and the Gayles keep
the ratio at no more than two men to every woman. There’s also an annual Masturbate-a-Thon organized in San Francisco by Carol Queen as a fund-raiser for her nonprofit Center for Sex & Culture (masturbate-a-thon.com).

Porno party

My friends and I sometimes share porn clips by e-mail and joke about masturbation. Everyone has a good laugh. But once in a while we get together to drink, and the host will put a porno in the DVD player. That’s when the awkwardness begins, because as the film goes on everyone gets horny and is dying to jerk off. The last time it happened I tried to end the silent tension by suggesting a circle jerk. Everyone called me a pervert. What do you recommend in this situation?—J.R., Boston, Massachusetts

Calling it a night.

Driving Miss Daisy

I drive a lot for my job, which is stressful. A friend suggested I touch myself to relieve the tension. I tried it, but it got a little dangerous, because as I rubbed my clit through my panties I stiffened my steering arm and wanted to close my eyes. During one trip I was eating an apple when I got an idea. I put it on the seat between my legs and started moving my hips in a circular motion. I got so turned on I couldn’t concentrate. I pulled into a rest stop and rode the apple to an incredible orgasm. When I told my friend about it, he asked if I then finished the apple. Yes, I did. It was warmer and softer but still good. What do you think?—C.T., Chicago, Illinois

We’ve always liked apple with cherry.

Does masturbation prevent cancer?

Does regular masturbation reduce the chance that you’ll get prostate cancer?—T.S., Harrison, Michigan

Apparently yes. You’ll go blind and grow hair on your palms, but you’ll live forever. Scientists at the National Cancer Institute examined, over eight years, the self-reported ejaculation frequency of nearly 30,000 men. Those who came most often—a lifetime average of 21 times a month—were one-third less likely to develop organ-confined or slow-growing prostate cancer than the control group of men, who came four to seven times a month. The study found a benefit in men who had more than 12 orgasms a month. Regular ejaculation may be beneficial because it flushes out carcinogens in the gland. Come for life.

MISCELLANEOUS

A little bit of everything.

Can men breastfeed?

My wife read a short story about a man who grew breasts to help nurse his girlfriend’s baby. She asked if I would be willing to do that. I said, “Sure, why not?” Now she’s six months along and expects this of me. I’m taking hormones to make my breasts grow, and I’m eating asparagus to stimulate my milk glands, along with licorice root, blessed thistle and black cohosh because she says they are primarily female herbs. I also use a breast pump for 10 minutes twice a day. My wife says men can produce milk but just never develop the ability. My breasts do feel softer and more sensitive. Will this work?—C.M., Detroit, Michigan

We thought no, but apparently men can, with considerable effort, produce breast milk. This can be accomplished by stimulating your nipples over days or weeks; it doesn’t require hormones or herbs. It’s unclear if the quality of the milk will be the same as a woman’s or if a man can produce enough to sustain a child, but there are reports of men who have fed infants this way. We wouldn’t take hormones except under a doctor’s care, but what can we say otherwise? You’re ahead of your time. Guys, if you know what’s good for you, keep this quiet.

The rules of nudity

During our honeymoon, my fiancé and I plan to spend a week at a resort in Cap d’Agde, France. We’re told nudity is encouraged throughout the village. Can you confirm this? Also, can you explain the etiquette for going topless or nude? We don’t want to break any laws or offend anyone.—C.O., Chicago, Illinois

Cap d’Agde is a clothing-optional coastal town 50 miles southwest of Montpellier that began as a campground in 1956 and has since grown to about 20,000 residents. According to local lore, police ensure that clothing is not worn except in cases of severe sunburn. Here are some guidelines for any nude resort: Always sit on a towel. Don’t leer. Don’t be lewd. Don’t shoot a lot of photos or videos. And don’t show off your erection. (Instead, one veteran nudist advises, hide it in the sand, under a towel or in the water “until your steamy imagination
adjusts to the reality that sex, as you know it, is not the reason that people are unclothed.”) If you enjoy the experience, the American Association for Nude Recreation (800-879-6833, or aanr.com) can suggest nudist clubs in the U.S. that are close to where you live or vacation.

Does sex attract bears?

My wife and I went camping for a few days in Yellowstone. I wanted to make love, but she refused. She said that having sex in the woods might attract bears. Is that true?—T.Y., Boulder, Colorado

Unless you’re covered in honey or make love while frying bacon, you aren’t putting yourself in danger. Professor Steve Herrero of the University of Calgary, who has documented nearly 900 bear attacks over the past 30 years, has found only a few where a couple reported having sex before the bear showed up. “That’s probably nothing more than chance,” he says. He won’t dismiss a connection completely—“a bear’s sense of smell is as good or better than any bloodhound’s”—but the chances you’ll be attacked are almost nil to begin with if you observe the standard precautions of backcountry camping, such as keeping your food properly sealed and stored. (Most attacks occur when the animal is surprised by hikers.) Herrero has also recorded only three or four cases where a bear attacked a woman who happened to be menstruating, another common but exaggerated fear. Bears can be as unpredictable as humans, however, so triple-bag fresh and used tampons and sanitary napkins, scented soaps and colognes. Then again, if you’re carrying cologne into the woods, you don’t belong there.