Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (12 page)

My friends and I split the cost of a pheromone-based cologne additive that claimed it would boost our sexual attractiveness. After using the product carefully and religiously, we concluded that it made no difference. Do pheromones work? The manufacturer claims its product is extracted from the armpit sweat of healthy young men. Should that have tipped us off that we were getting ripped off?—F.B., New York, New York

Not necessarily. If humans secrete sex pheromones, a sweaty armpit is a likely place to find them. In this case, however, you purchased a drop of science distilled in a barrel of marketing. Human pheromones can influence people in subtle ways, but they aren’t powerful enough to convince a woman you’re sexually desirable if she doesn’t already believe that. Elsewhere in the animal kingdom, of course, pheromones are an essential part of the mating ritual. If a sow in heat gets a whiff of androsterone, a steroid found in boar saliva, she’ll stop in her tracks, arch her back and present her genitals. How easy is that? Male underarm sweat contains a similar steroid, but if you lift your arm over a woman’s nose, the only thing you’ll see is the door. That’s not to dismiss the idea of subliminal scents entirely. One study found that undetectable steroids produced by the body do elevate a woman’s mood—as long as you dab them right beneath her nose. Distilled in a cologne or additive, these steroids are diluted enough that a woman would have to be close enough to kiss you to inhale them. If she is, you don’t need help.

Recovering her libido

I have no desire for sex, which frustrates my wonderful husband of 10 years. I began losing my libido after the birth of our son. My husband deserves better. Can you help?—T.G., Dallas, Texas

We’ll try. Let’s run through the most common reasons women suffer a loss of libido. Perhaps one or more will strike a nerve: (1) A diminishing sex drive isn’t unusual during pregnancy and after childbirth, especially among women who breast-feed. Children can be exhausting in general. A British study of 1,000 women ages 30 to 55 found that one in three reported being too tired for sex and attributed it to working full-time while also running a household. (2) Health problems such as diabetes or thyroid disease can make sex uncomfortable, and many women suffer from dyspareunia (pain during intercourse). Depression may be the most common libido killer. (3) Medications such as birth control pills, antibiotics, antihistamines and antidepressants may hamper desire. At the same time, some studies suggest that the antidepressant Wellbutrin can help restore lust in some women. (4) Relationship problems can spill into the bedroom, as can body image issues—with your own body or that of your partner. (5) Hormonal changes in a woman’s late 30s, 40s or early 50s may play a role. About a third of women report a loss of libido in the years before menopause,
and about 40 percent in menopause. What treatments are available? Estrogen or testosterone may help. Regular exercise is often overlooked as an aphrodisiac. Some therapists recommend a steady diet of literary erotica. Artificial lube is a great salve. As we’ve mentioned in the past, a classic treatment is sensual massage. It not only relieves stress but also redefines sex as more than intercourse that leads to orgasm.

Unleashing the wild woman

Last summer, my shy music-teacher wife shed every extra pound and got a boob job. Yet she still didn’t feel confident about how she looked. I suggested that she submit her photos to
Playboy
, but she had another idea. A friend of mine planned to visit us for the weekend. She asked what I would think if at some time during my friend’s stay, she allowed him to see her nude. I said I had no problem with this; the idea turned me on. When I brought my friend home from the airport, my wife was in the pool in a teeny, nearly transparent bikini I hadn’t known about. My friend appeared to be in shock. The show continued the next day when she allowed him to catch glimpses of her naked breasts as she sunbathed. That night we all climbed into the hot tub and soon began talking about my wife’s new body. There didn’t seem to be any problems with her modesty: She scooted up on the edge of the hot tub and removed her bikini top. She and I began to make out and invited my friend to join in. The three of us wound up on the living room floor. My wife had never allowed me to come in her mouth but now swallowed from both of us. Later she asked to be “double fucked” with me in her vagina and my friend in her ass. She kept screaming, “Fuck me!” I was blown away; I had never seen this side of her. The next morning she asked if she could take my friend to catch his plane home. She returned horny as hell and we had a fantastic day of sex. She later told me she had given my friend “the blow job of his life” in the airport parking lot. This may sound stupid, but I’m wondering if I should feel jealous. Also, my wife was vocal and frantic during our threesome. I want that every night, but it hasn’t happened since. She says the situation was a total loss of control on her part, and that she would be embarrassed otherwise. How can I unleash the wild woman again?—R.T., Seattle, Washington

You’re overlooking the larger problem: How are you going to keep her? If you listen closely, you’ll hear what she’s saying: “I’m the new me, but you’re the old you.” She lost weight, felt the stares of other men and realized how bored she had become.
That puts you at a disadvantage, but the situation is not hopeless. First, recognize that you could tell her 50 times a day that she’s irresistible and it wouldn’t have the same effect as one stranger winking at her. She’s ready to explore, and standard sex from hubby isn’t going to hack it, especially as her confidence grows. You have to show her it’s worthwhile to stick around. Get wild yourself: Introduce fun sex toys, blindfold her, eat dessert off her body, massage her, make love to her on the hood of the car. Love her like she’s not yours. If you don’t, your wife may again blow another guy at the airport—then get on the plane with him.

Is sex necessary?

Do people need sex? My friend says he doesn’t, yet he masturbates. Isn’t that a need for sex?—F.J., Albany, New York

People do need sex. Your friend’s masturbation involves fantasy, which reflects his need for intimacy. We can survive without that, but it’s a life less lived. Some people will argue that we need sex only to reproduce, but that can now be done in a lab. Fucking for no biological reason is what makes us human. In that sense, we need it bad.

“Fucking for no biological reason” isn’t an exclusively human trait. Dolphins are said to have sex for pleasure, for example. And my dog tries to have sex with everything. Is he not seeking pleasure?—G.K., Madison, Wisconsin

Sure, but that’s not why he’s horny. He doesn’t think about what he’s doing; he knows only that he must have sex. By contrast, human males are driven by…wait a minute. That doesn’t work. What makes us human is that we can choose not to have sex. No other animal has that luxury, regardless of the consequences. When a male honeybee ejaculates, for instance, his genitals fall off and he explodes (we’ve all been there). Evolutionary biologist Olivia Judson, author of
Dr. Tatiana’s Sex Advice to All Creation
, says that many animals besides dolphins and humans have been observed having sex even when reproduction isn’t possible. Some species of duck have sex in winter, when the male’s testes are regressed and the female isn’t producing eggs. Indian-crested porcupines do it when the female is already pregnant. One type of wood roach fucks constantly. The list goes on. The most notorious swingers in the animal kingdom are bonobo chimps, who are unusual in that they have intercourse face-to-face. They also masturbate and enjoy oral sex and orgies.

Horny women

A friend’s recently divorced sister-in-law, whom I’ve never met, is apparently open to the idea of us being fuck buddies. Is this weird? I’d be going on a blind date with the expectation of sex.—M.D., Chicago, Illinois

You know how women are—it’s always sex, sex, sex. See how it goes, but don’t put out until you know her better.

I know you were being facetious, but you may want to give women more credit for their general horniness. I read recently about a study done at Ohio State, where researchers asked 201 students to record their sexual histories. The women reported an average of 2.6 partners, the men an average of 3.7. Then the researchers hooked the students up to a (fake) lie detector. The men’s responses stayed virtually the same, but the women’s average jumped to 4.4. The women also reported masturbating and watching porn twice as often as they had on the surveys. So it looks like women do love sex as much as guys—they just don’t like to admit it.—T.R., Oberlin, Ohio

Can women get blue balls?

Guys get blue balls. What do girls get?—R.B., Wheeling, West Virginia

They get laid.

Your response is too flippant. A woman’s genitals become engorged with blood during arousal. If that blood isn’t released back into the body by orgasm, the woman feels the same swelling, pressure and discomfort that a man would.—D.S., Pullman, Washington

You’re right, of course. Women can get frustrated to the point of painful vaso-congestion, but it’s reported far less often. That’s why it doesn’t have its own slang. When a woman has the equivalent of blue balls, her inner labia may double in size and burn bright or deep red, depending on whether she’s given birth.

My human sexuality professor at Arizona State calls the female equivalent of blue balls “violet vulva.” It’s actually known as
protracted resolution
, because the genitals return to their unaroused state without orgasm prior to the resolution stage.—D.S., Chandler, Arizona

Most guys live in a state of protracted resolution.

I’m a 28-year-old married bisexual woman. I laughed at your blue balls remark because it assumes that women can get sex whenever they want. As any woman can tell you, that isn’t true—especially if you’re dating another woman.—S.J., San Francisco, California

You’re married, bisexual and female and still frustrated? What does it take?

Morning wood

My boyfriend almost always wakes up with an erection. When I ask him why, he says he’s been dreaming about me. I’m not that gullible. Is there a medical reason for morning erections?—M.B., Birmingham, Alabama

Of course he’s dreaming about you. Or he may be dreaming about red pickup trucks, fresh artichokes, being chased by Roseanne or going to class in his underwear. Regardless of what’s on his mind, every healthy male experiences spontaneous, involuntary erections as he dreams. They occur every 90 minutes or so during the dream stage of sleep. Scientists aren’t certain why sleep erections occur, but one prevailing theory is that they are a natural systems check or some kind of exercise program to keep the penis in shape. A woman might interpret morning wood as an invitation for sex. That’s a good instinct. But the guy’s immediate thought is probably, How am I going to pee with this thing?

Do women have similar patterns? And why do scientists measure sleep arousal?—E.R., Tulsa, Oklahoma

Women apparently do experience similar sleep arousal. But while blood flow to the penis can be monitored by attaching an expandable ring, measuring blood flow to a woman’s genitals is more of a challenge. Sleep erections are typically monitored to determine if erectile dysfunction is a physical or a mental problem.

ETIQUETTE

Do the right thing.

Can I keep copies of her dirty photos?

When my girlfriend and I were together, she let me take nude snapshots of her, including a few where she’s giving me head. Now that we’re breaking up, she wants the prints and negatives. I don’t want to be a bastard, but I also wouldn’t mind having the photos for reference. At one point, I scanned a bunch into my computer and burned a CD. Does that count as something that I have to give her?—A.L., Huntsville, Alabama