Diane Warner's Wedding Question & Answer (11 page)

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Authors: Diane Warner

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Page 88
I've heard the terms "groomsmen" and "ushers" interchanged. Is there a difference?
Yes and no. If the men who stand beside the groom during the ceremony as his groomsmen also serve as ushers beforehand, the term is interchangeable. However, if there are two separate groups of men, one who stands beside the groom during the ceremony and one who ushers the guests to their seats, in that particular wedding the terms are not interchangeable. Confusing, isn't it?
 
Page 89
Chapter 11
The Couple's Parents
Is there some rule about which mother contacts the other mother first, once the engagement has been announced?
The groom's mother should call the bride's mother first, telling her how happy she and her husband are about the engagement and making arrangements for them to meet the bride's parents. If for some reason the groom's mother doesn't call after a reasonable amount of time, and she may not understand that she should, it is fine for the bride's mother to place the first call.
I have a problem that is probably pretty common these days: I have two fathers, my real father and my stepfather. I am close to both of them, but I don't see my real father very often since my mother remarried 10 years ago. Which one should I have give me away? I love them both and I don't want to hart either one of them
.
You're right, this is definitely not a new question. There are several things you can do. If this is an emotionally
 
Page 90
wrenching problem for you and it's putting a damper on your wedding plans, for your sake, my first preference is that you walk down the aisle alone. Second best would be for your natural father to give you away, but include your stepfather in the ceremony in some meaningful way, such as having him read a poem or portion of Scripture you have selected. In the case where there are children from a previous marriage, it works very well to be escorted down the aisle by one or two of the children (whether boys or girls).
Should our mothers wear the same length and style of dress?
It's a good idea if their dresses or gowns are similar in style and length, although they shouldn't be the same color. Also, they should not wear the same color as the bridesmaids, nor should they wear white, unless, of course, it is a
snowball wedding
where everyone wears white. The bride's mother has the responsibility of selecting her dress first, then notifying the groom's mother of her choice. If the two families live close to each other it is very nice if the two mothers can get together so the groom's mother can see her dress. If the families don't live close, a photo can be sent along with a description and fabric sample of the dress. By the way, the mothers' gowns should never be floor-length unless the bride's gown is also.
My parents divorced years ago and have never remarried. Where should they be seated daring the ceremony?
You would think that after your father gives you away they could be seated next to each other on the same pew, but according to wedding etiquette, this is usually not done. Your mother should sit in the first pew along with her parents;
 
Page 91
your father should sit in the pew behind your mother, alongside his parents.
My father is really nervous about walking me down the aisle. Is it necessary for him to do that slow, hesitation step?
The
hesitation step
is almost never used today, which should be a relief to your father. All he needs to do is hold his head high and walk slowly and naturally. It will help a lot if you practice with him at home off and on before the wedding. By the way, it's a rare father who isn't nervous about giving his daughter away.
Unfortunately, my parents have recently gone through a bitter divorce; in fact, as of the moment they aren't even speaking to each other. How do I handle this problem at my wedding?
First of all, I hope they have the maturity to be civil and pleasant for your sake. However, there are several things you can do to alleviate this sticky situation. During the ceremony have your mother seated in the first row; then, after your father has given you away, he should be seated
two
rows in back of your mother. During the reception, forgo the receiving line so they don't have to stand together. Then, by using place cards, arrange the table seating so that your mother and father are at least two tables apart. Your mother will probably sit with the groom's parents, the clergyman, and his or her spouse. Seat your father with other family members, perhaps his parents or brothers and sisters. Remember, this is
their
problemnot yours! So, keep smiling no matter what and enjoy your day.
 
Page 92
What should the two fathers wear to the wedding?
The bride's father usually wears the same attire as the groomsmen, which is dictated by the formality of the wedding and which should coordinate with the groom's attire. The groom's father has the choice of wearing the same attire as the bride's father or wearing a dark suit.
 
Page 93
Chapter 12
Themes and Decorations
I'm not a very creative person and I'm having trouble coming up with a theme for our wedding and reception. Is it absolutely necessary to have some sort of theme?
No, it's not necessary, but it will actually make your wedding and reception easier to plan. There are many theme ideas, but if your family happens to have a strong ethnic background, why not go with a cultural theme? This is one of the easiest solutions to your problem. Wear wedding attire that reflects your country's origin; include foods, music, and favors that follow your ethnic theme. Your wedding colors can be determined by those in your country's flag; for example, if you're Swedish, your colors would be blue and yellow. You can even add small flags to your floral arrangements. Best of all, include as many traditional customs as possible (visit your local library to do your research). By using an ethnic theme, your wedding will plan itself, although your guests will think you're
especially creative!
 
Page 94
My fiancé and I are both of Mexican descent, and we like the idea of an ethnic theme; if we were to have a Mexican theme for our wedding, what are some ideas we could include?
Why not take your cues from Mexico itselfstrive for a wedding as ethnically authentic as possible.
Here are some Mexican wedding traditions:
The entire ceremony is in Spanish, of course.
A Catholic wedding mass is held at 9 p.m.
The church is decorated with white roses.
Guests sit wherever they please (not on the bride's or groom's side).
The bride's only attendants are her four godmothers, each responsible for one aspect of the ceremony: One makes three bouquets (one for the bride to lay on the altar, one to keep, and one to toss at the reception); another godmother carries a dish with 13 gold arras (coins) along with the couple's rings; the other two godmothers are responsible to carry a rope with a cross they drape in a figure 8 around the couple as the couple kneels at the altar, uniting them.
The couple sits at a small table by themselves at the reception.
All the single women perform a line dance called ''La Vibora" (
the snake
).
The reception usually goes on all night.
What about some other theme ideas?
Here are five theme suggestions for you to consider:
 
Page 95
Snowball
This is a wedding where everyone wears white, including the mothers and grandmothers. Be sure all the whites are the same.
Black and white
All the wedding costumes are black and white. The men may wear black tuxedoes, the attendants black gowns with white trim, the flower girl wears white and the ring bearer wears black. This is a very popular theme currently, but be sure there is a little color splashed around somewhere, in the flowers and ribbons, for example, or the wedding will lose its festive feeling of celebration.
Wreaths
Decorate various sizes of Styrofoam or grapevine wreaths and hang them on the pews and pillars. Also, oversized wreaths work well when hung on the walls in the front of the ceremony site.
Christmas
This is an easy theme to work with because of the Christmas trees, holly, poinsettias, candles, and evergreenery available during December. Also, trail strands of tiny Christmas tree lights over and around the decorations for a special touch of winter wonderland.
Victorian
A Victorian theme needs plenty of lace, ribbon, hearts, and trailing ribbon. Also, the bride and her attendants may want to wear bustled gowns and high-buttoned shoes.
 
Page 96
I like the idea of a Victorian wedding, especially since I will be wearing my grandmother's old-fashioned lace gown. What are some other things we can incorporate?
In addition to the ideas mentioned in the Victorian section, you may want to carry a tussy mussy (a small cluster of flowers tied with ribbon or inserted into an elegant coneshaped holder), and add lace or ribbon to your bridesmaids' headpieces, to the floral pew markers, and to the reception centerpieces. Another Victorian custom is to incorporate rose petals into the ceremony and reception: Fill a delicate basket for your flower girl to scatter down the aisle; strew them along the center of the reception tables and on the cake table; and set fragrant baskets full alongside your guest book. Candles also add a romantic Victorian touch, especially for an evening wedding, and, finally, you may want to consider placing a single rosebud tied with a lace ribbon at every female guest's place setting.
I want the center aisle to be decorated in some really dramatic way, instead of the usual pew bows. Do you have any ideas?
Well, in addition to the opulent floral sprays mentioned in Chapter 17, you may want to consider adding 6-foot pew candlesticks every other pew, decorated profusely with ribbon, tulle netting, trailing silk or live ivy and any silk or live flowers of your choice. These candlesticks can be rented from some florists and most wedding rental stores. Another trick is to stand a tall topiary tree beside every pew, decorated with trailing ribbons and tiny silk rosebuds. You can also create a striking ambiance by draping the pews together with floral or evergreen garlands, wide fabric ribbons or swirls of gracefully twisted tulle netting.
 
Page 97
What is a "chuppah"?
It is a canopy that is held over the heads of the bride and groom and their two honor attendants during a traditional Jewish ceremony. It may be a stationary structure and is sometimes made of flowers, but it is usually decorated with elegantly decorated cloth. If it is large enough, the parents may stand under the chuppah as well. The chuppah is a symbol of the earliest rites of Hebrew marriage when the chief purpose of the marriage was the propagation of the human race and the ceremony took place in the presence of witnesses in the bridal chamber. Later, when this became objectionable, a tent was substituted to symbolize the bridal chamber, and then, eventually, a scarf or canopy became the custom.
I'm going to be married at home in our combination living room/dining room, in front of the fireplace. What can we do to decorate without overdoing it?
The nice thing about a home wedding is that the natural charm and intimacy of the home itself offers a romantic ambiance for the wedding; also, a home setting takes very little in the way of decorations. The first step is to unclutter the rooms; remove a few of the oversized pieces of furniture and clear away at least half of the knickknacks, family photos, etc. This will leave room for white folding chairs, if you choose to use them, and a few flower arrangements. The fireplace mantle can be decorated with greens, flowers, candies, and ribbons. An altar can be made up quite easily by covering any small table with a lace or damask tablecloth. You can borrow a kneeling bench from your church or rent one from a wedding rental store. If white wooden folding chairs are set in the middle of the room, it is nice to drape the chairs with ribbon and flowers to create a center aisle. If the room is too small for extra chairs, however, it is perfectly fine for the guests to stand during the ceremony.

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