Dismantled (Girls on Top #2) (8 page)

This week has gone by rather slow. They say when you are busy, time flies, but I find that it doesn’t always hold true. It certainly didn’t happen to me this week. I have been working like a dog, and every day as soon as I get off work, I drive to the library to do research for my thesis, and I can feel the seconds dragging by, like a sand clock which never gets full. Time just goes and goes and the days drag and drag.

Today’s finally Saturday and although I turned down two guys who were offering hot dates, I consider myself to have a scorching one tonight because Traxx and I are going to hangout and then we are going to meet everyone else later on for drinks and hopefully some fun at “Twisted,” our favorite bar. Some people would think that I’m taking advantage of him while he’s weak, but I don’t see it that way. If we don’t keep him away from his dark mind, he will go there and never climb out. My plan is to show him that life goes on. That it’s okay for him to be happy and not think about the bad. Once he starts healing and he is more tolerant of the incident and comes to terms with the knowledge that Marcy didn’t kill herself because he forced her, but because she was not thinking rationally and was unable to make good choices, then we can work on the steps to make him feel his life’s valuable and worth saving, after that, he can help others heal.

I go online and set everything up for our outing. Then, I send Traxx a quick text to let him know what time to be ready and what to wear. I hear the front door open, when I peek out of my bedroom door, I see Brianna and Keagan.

“Ciara, where are you?” I hear Brianna call from the distance.

“I’m in my room. Come here.” I smile when I hear my bestie Brianna. I don’t get to visit with her a lot because, well, she moved out and her being a cop comes with crazy hours and too much work. As soon as I see her, I give her a huge hug.

“Hey, sweets! What an awesome surprise!” I smile at her.

“I know, although the other day I clocked you doing thirty miles over the speed limit, and it was so tempting to pull your ass over, just to see your pretty face and perhaps give you a ticket. Month end’s coming fast and I still have not met my quota.”

My mouth shapes into a huge ‘O’ and I take a deep breath, “Hell no, you better not give me a ticket! I probably can’t afford it! I also don’t wanna be the new poster girl for the jail flyers - that’s just not my style!” We start laughing carelessly.

“Number one, you and I know you’re lying about not being able to afford it, and number two, I guess orange is
not
the new black for you… Nah, don’t you worry your pretty head – I wouldn’t do that, but you should slow your ass down a little because another cop would have gone after you, for sure.”

“Yes, ma’am.” I give her a mock salute with my right hand’s index finger touching the corner of my eyebrow. “I will try to watch out for my lead foot. What are you up to?”

“Colton went to take the truck to get the oil changed, so I figure I can catch up with you guys. I found Keagan coming in the parking lot at the same time I was pulling up to your building.” She looks towards Keagan who’s been busying herself in the kitchen since she walked in and then she looks at me. “How are things with Traxx?”

“Ugh! That boy gives me whiplash! One day he’s great and then all of a sudden something clicks and his mood flips to a total opposite version. But I have been studying the possible triggers and I think I can identify a few of them.”

Keagan chimes in, “You guys know he went back to work this week, full time plus more hours.” I knew that but apparently Brianna didn’t.

“He did! That’s great!” Brianna smiles at me.

“Yes, it has definitely been a good week for him. I’ve been checking in with Notso on a daily basis – on the down low, you know, because I was afraid that Traxx may feel overwhelmed with so many of us checking up on him and I didn’t want him to suffer a setback. As far as any one of us knows, he has not had any panic attacks or episodes. The nightmares, however, they haven’t gone away. Notso hears him yell and talk in his sleep every night. He’s most definitely still haunted by the events of the incident.” Keagan adds to our conversation.

“Poor thing.” Brianna lowers her head and crunches her nose like she does when she’s trying to think of something. “I wish there was something we could do.”

“Well,” I confess, “I prefer that he continues to have nightmares than taking it upon himself to procure God knows what kind of drugs to help him block everything out, or to be in so much pain that hurting himself can be considered as an option.” Brianna’s eyes get really large and Keagan comes out of the kitchen, staring at me.

“What the hell was he taking?” Keagan asks.

“Oooh, don’t say it. I don’t think I wanna know!” Brianna covers her ears with her hands.

“Guys, don’t get the wrong idea! I don’t know what he was taking because he never told me. And I’m still trying to figure out how he hurt his arm – earlier that day he was fine and then later, there was a huge Band-Aid covering ‘a scratch.’ But if he’s working, I don’t think he would be taking anything while he works, because whatever he
was
taking, it used to put him to sleep. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you guys. I will try to find out more information before I make assumptions.”

The girls both take a breath and reluctantly move away from the topic. “So, what’s your plan? Where are you taking him today?” Brianna asks quietly, as if I’m going to tell her anything when I know she tells Colton
everything.
Ha!

“Nah, ah… I’m not telling! You will have to ask him later when you see him
after
we do what we gotta do.” I stick my tongue out to her. “You know that my number one goal is to make him appreciate life again – his life. He needs to believe that life’s worth living.”

“You are going to make us wait that long, no details?”

“Yep. It’s only a few hours. But now I have to get ready, since we have to leave in less than one hour.” Brianna looks at her watch and gets up from my bed, where she was sitting.

“Fine, okay, we’ll catch up later. I think Colton should be almost finished, so I’m going to head on home. Have fun!” She looks over to the kitchen where Keagan is and yells, “Bye, Kay Kay.”

I give her a kiss on her cheek and a hug. I really miss her and her sarcastic comments. After she turns to leave, I go to the closet and pull out what I need to wear today.

My mood is not that great at the moment, but I’m sure as hell trying to work on it. My friends have been patient, giving, and most of all, caring towards me since the incident took me away from them. Some days are easier than others. If I’m lucky, work keeps me really busy. I’m working a shitload of accounts, more than I have ever managed before. I also volunteer for anything and everything. It makes the hours more manageable. Then I treat my body to gym workouts until I’m exhausted, until all I can do is get home, take a hot shower and collapse in bed. Those are the good days. I wish all days were more like that.

Other days like this one, I have to fake it. Like they say, fake it ‘till you make it. Nobody wants a part of this hell I seem to be trapped in. The nightmares… God, the nightmares can be outright terrifying and very unsettling. Most times there’s blood everywhere. All over me. On the floor. On the walls. On the furniture. It doesn’t matter what I do or where I go, I can never escape the coldness that envelops me as the distinct smell of death captures me and invades my other senses as well. It’s my own private and never ending hell and the sad thing – the one thing that keeps me nailed into this other realm - it’s that I don’t feel I belong anywhere else but here.

It’s a quiet ride, but not difficult. It’s comfortable between the two of us. I guess the familiarity comes from being around each other for years now. Being near her allows me to be calm. It reminds me of the carefree Traxx I used to be acquainted with. When she takes a glance at me, I can’t help but notice the mischievous smile she charms me with. I follow the GPS instructions and we pull into a parking lot. I look at the huge building structure right in front of us. As I turn off the truck, I admire the massive tower about six stories high or quite possibly even taller than that. The building is white and splashed with a bright shade of red color, brick red. It has a lot of glass on the front side of the building. The name “iFly” is plastered in huge red letters that cover the entire tower and I can’t help the small twitch of a smile that I feel coming out on one side of my lips.

I
knew
what it was. I could not help the sudden burst of energy and excitement my body was feeling. I look at Ciara with as much amusement as a kid during Christmas morning and quietly ask her, “Is this really what I think it is?”

She gives me a nervous smile and then starts on her spiel. “Well, I had to come up with a plan to help you cope and ultimately move on with your life. This program – which I call BTB (Bring Traxx Back), is designed especially for you and will be revealed one step at a time. There is no rushing and most definitely, you can only work one step at a time.

Looking at her like she’s lost her marbles, she smiles and continues.

“There will be no bribing, and most definitely, there is no room for negative connotations.” She smiles brightly and as I sit inside the truck completely dumbfounded, she extends her hand and asks me. “Deal?”

I sit there, looking out of the truck and trying to come up with a palpable excuse so I can turn around and drive away. Unfortunately, I know Ciara will never let me off the hook. I was toast. With resignation in my voice, I grab her hand and we shake as if this is a common business deal of a daily occurrence.

“Excellent! Let’s get started! Repeat after me: Step 1- Live your life in the moment.”

“Step 1 - Live your life in the moment.”

With a nod of her head, she swings open the door and jumps down from the truck then slaps the seat with her hand, the loud sound bringing me back to the here and now. My eyes grow wide, and I immediately start to get out of the truck, locking it and coming to stand next to Ciara. She positions herself in front of me and holds me by the arms. Her small hands don’t even cover half of my biceps, but somehow it feels like she’s using the ‘jaws of life’ on me, the gesture is as simple and as powerful as you can imagine.

Looking at me eye to eye, her smooth voice whispers just loud enough for me to hear her, “You are not alone anymore, Traxx. I’ve got you. Are you ready to feel free? Are you ready to fly and live in this moment – you, me, the wind beneath our feet?” Her eyes are full of hope. I feel a small squeeze inside my chest. Something so different, I have trouble identifying, something that takes my breath away – and it scares me. So I do what I do best: default to asshole mode. “Dang, girl! You sure can get sappy!” I laugh gently. “Where do you come up with this stuff?” I smile at her with a raised eyebrow.

“Too much Oprah, I guess.”

She stops looking at my eyes, drops her hands and starts looking down, her smile gone. Suddenly I feel bad that I took this moment away from her, that I clouded the small ray of sunshine she was offering me. God,
I am
an asshole! I grab her hand, because in all honesty the warmth of the simple gesture provides me comfort and it calms the need for me to touch her in a more personal way.

“Come on, Nibblet, show me how to live in the moment, because that is certainly something I no longer find the ability to do.” I wink at her, and noticed a small smile appearing on her beautiful face. She starts to walk ahead of me and I follow close behind.