Dude, You're Gonna Be a Dad! (6 page)

What’s a doula? It’s a question that’s on the minds of men everywhere. Is it something sexual? Can I make money from this? Should we start a website?

Simply put, a doula is a pregnancy expert for hire, someone who helps support your partner while the doctor or midwife takes care of the medical details. Doulas serve as informed and experienced teammates during the birthing process. It’s true, the angel on your shoulder is thinking that your BMP can use all the help available, even if it clouds the water on where you fit in. The devil on your other shoulder is whispering that maybe the doula can relief some of your pressure by providing added emotional support.

Instead of giving in to the angel or devil, think of a doula as an additional teammate. A really well-informed, experienced teammate who can help get your BMP safely through pregnancy. But not a teammate who can take your place on the team as the father and person who will be intimately involved in raising this baby.

Doulas can take the time to provide explanations and information the doctors won’t or don’t have time for. And they are often trained in the art of pregnancy massage, which naturally reduces pain during labor. But having a doula doesn’t mean you get to sit in the recliner reading the paper while everything happens around you.

Pregnant women have lots and lots of appointments. Why so many? Because the doctor (or midwife) has to confirm that everything is progressing normally at key checkpoints along the way. You may think this fact doesn’t have much to do with you until your BMP starts asking on what dates you can make yourself available. Then you’ll realize that you’re expected to be at most of, if not all of, the aforementioned doctor’s appointments. In a perfect world, you would skip happily into each and every one, holding hands with your BMP all the while. But most of us live in the real world, which may lead to you having to ask yourself . . .

You may not be able to attend every appointment. There are a lot of them, with more at the end of the pregnancy. From weeks 36 to 40, your partner is going every other week, and if, God forbid, you make it past that point, from week 40 on you’ll have appointments every few days until the baby comes home to roost. You can also expect more appointments if your BMP or the baby have any complicating factors, such as gestational diabetes.

Take a few minutes to jot down a few questions you may have. It will reinforce that you’re fully engaged in the pregnancy project, and perhaps even impress your woman. If your testosterone levels are dropping quickly enough, you can get your partner involved in coming up with some questions as a fun game the two of you play together. So, to that end, we’ll look at which appointments are traditionally the most important.

Disclaimer:
Skip appointments at your own risk.

Other than the actual birth, this is probably the most important appointment. You may be meeting the doctor for the first time yourself. You’ll need to fill out all of the initial paperwork. Your partner will want you there for support. Many, many tests will be performed this day, including one to confirm the pregnancy, and this will be new and scary for both of you. Circle this one on your calendar in neon.

Importance:

This usually occurs about a month after the first visit. Some of the freshness and mystery is gone, as well as some of the apprehension. This visit is a little like blowing through the drive-through. The doctor checks your BMP’s blood pressure, sugar levels, protein levels, weight, and sanity. Barring any abnormalities, the doc or midwife doesn’t perform any new tests or discover any vital information, such as whether your child is destined to have abnormally large feet. Warning: Some doctors decide to listen to Junior’s heartbeat for the first time at this appointment. Make sure you know if the doc plans to do this before you skip the appointment to go to Hooters with your coworkers.

Importance:

Traditionally, this visit is a pretty big deal. As you reach the neighborhood of sixteen weeks, you’re mathematically out of the scariest portion of the pregnancy, when a miscarriage is most likely to occur. The doctor fulfills her urine fetish again and checks your BMP’s blood pressure and weight.

You’ll be listening to the baby’s heartbeat at each appointment pretty much from here on in. Your BMP’s team of medical professionals will be measuring your BMP’s fundal height, which actually doesn’t involve mushrooms at all but simply measures the approximate size of your baby. The measurement is taken, usually in centimeters, from the top of the uterus to the top of the pelvic bone.

Importance:

The fourth visit is another eventful one. Urine, weight, heartbeat, fundal height, and blood pressure are taken. You should know the drill by now. But what makes this appointment noteworthy? This is usually the magical ultrasound appointment. Despite what your sorely lacking male brain tells you, this procedure is not done to identify the sex of the baby. Its true purpose is to check for all of the organs, fingers, and toes. You also get a picture of the baby, which is a major bonding experience, as we discussed in Chapter 1, in the “Get Into Bondage — No, Really” section.

Importance:

The tests at each appointment become fairly similar from this point forward. The problem is, you can’t always tell if these visits are trivial and eminently skippable, or if you really need to be there. If everything goes as planned, they will seem slightly repetitive to you, and you’ll be wondering why you’re missing work.

The key here is to remember that the alternative to these boring, repetitive visits would be a visit where something is wrong with the mother or child. This is obviously a worst-case scenario, so unlike a first date in which extreme boredom signals us that yet again we have underestimated the importance of personality versus looks, we will celebrate and embrace boredom when it comes to these doctor’s visits.

So what exactly is going on with all these tests? Only Lance Armstrong will be more tested than your poor woman. Let’s see exactly what the doctor is doing, starting with the first visit:

• Complete medical history.
  The doctor will want to know about any chronic illnesses, previous major illnesses, surgeries, drug allergies, what vitamins and supplements your BMP is on, and any medications she’s taking. Both of your family medical histories will be reviewed for any genetic defects or chronic diseases. The doctor will be asking for information about any past miscarriages, abortions, and any other events along these lines. All of this is to help build a record and context to help your BMP and your child through any potential problems that may arise during the pregnancy.
  
• Complete physical.
  This involves all of the basics: height, weight, blood pressure, bra size. The doc will also be conducting a vaginal exam, and an examination of the pelvic areas. Blood pressure and weight will be checked at every visit.
  
• Urine tests.
  These measure excess sugar, protein, and white blood cells, which could indicate an illness. The urine is also checked for signs of unwanted bacteria and illegal drug use.
  
• Blood tests.
  These measure your BMP’s antibodies and immunity to diseases such as rubella. One test also measures whether your woman has anemia and may need iron supplements.
  
• Sexually transmitted disease tests.
  These tests detect signs of syphilis, gonorrhea, hepatitis B, chlamydia, and HIV. If your partner has any of these, certain procedures and steps will be taken to help prevent them from harming the baby.
  
• Genetic tests.
  If genetic problems are indicated by medical history or ethnic background, the doctor may test for markers for cystic fibrosis, sickle-cell anemia, and a whole list of other genetic disorders.
  
• And of course a Pap smear.
  This will check for signs of cervical cancer.
  

Don’t you feel well informed? These tests are the ones mainly performed at the first doctor’s office visit. Let’s see some of the other major tests:

• Around weeks 15 to 18, the doctor will perform a “triple-screen” blood test,
  which checks for possible birth defects. It’s called a triple-screen test because three chemicals (with really long and complicated names that I’m not going to try to spell) are screened for. If they’re there, it indicates that the baby may be at higher risk of having a problem such as Down syndrome or neural tube defects.
  
• Glucose-tolerance test.
  At about 28 weeks, blood is drawn (again) and diabetes testing is done.
  
• At week 35 to 37, a Group B strep test is performed.
  Blood is not drawn this time. No, this time the doc takes a vaginal and rectal swab. Somewhere between 20 to 40 percent of healthy women may have these bacteria present in the body. If they’re there, you don’t want the bacteria to be passed to the baby, so the doctor will take necessary precautions to make sure it isn’t.
  
• During the second trimester, ultrasounds are sometimes performed.
  They may be done earlier in high-risk pregnancies or if the doc thinks there may be more than one baby in there. An ultrasound is like the scanner used at airports. But instead of looking for weapons or getting a perverse thrill as the more attractive passengers come through, the technician is checking on your baby to make sure all of the vital parts are there.