Dude, You're Gonna Be a Dad! (8 page)

As we’ve discussed ad nauseam, your BMP will be undergoing quite a few changes. For a good bit of the first trimester, most of those changes began to appear rather slowly. But things will begin to pick up. Let’s take a look at some of the changes she will be undergoing, as well as a traditional time frame for them to occur:

As your BMP’s uterus (and thus her midsection) begins to stretch and expand, her body needs to change with it. She may get lower back pain, leg cramps, and tingling and numbness in her extremities. She may have bouts of dizziness, sleep problems, and swollen feet. The pregnancy hormones responsible for those mood swings can cause excess growth in her hair and nails, but if you nickname her Dragon Lady, keep it to yourself.

What about the baby? Oh yeah, forgot all about him. From weeks 18 through 21 several interesting things take place. In week 18 the ears' function generally comes online, allowing the baby to hear in the womb. In week 19, a protective, almost waxlike film covers your baby. As the baby’s heart continues to grow, you can hear it beating, and it will generally pace about twice as fast as an adult’s. By week 21, you can even hazard a guess about your baby’s sleep patterns, as they become more regular. (Disclaimer: As with watching something on TV after a live football game or
American Idol
, all starting times are approximate.)

Just as a heads-up, somewhere around weeks 20 to 22, your BMP will probably be getting her first ultrasound. Let’s dispel a male urban legend right now: the sole purpose of this ultrasound is
not
to determine the sex of the baby. That’s the impression many first-time fathers get. The purpose is actually to check on the baby, to make sure all the fingers and toes are there (not to mention organs).

When it comes to finding out the sex of your baby, it gets tricky. You can choose to find out or not; it’s up to the two of you. Depending on what week the ultrasound takes place, that determination is from 95 to 99.9 percent accurate. Of course, the operator may not get a good view, and in today’s world, we think anything less than 100 percent is 0 percent. You can usually depend on the technician’s determination, though. It’s up to you whether you want to only pick one name or paint the baby’s room a gender-specific color.

The area south of Belly Button Land and north of Privacy Boulevard is getting stretched, so aches and pains are the order of the day. As in previous weeks, her symptoms may include dizziness, heartburn, flatulence, leg cramps, and backaches. It’s like having to suffer through the hangover without having had any of the fun.

Your BMP may also experience headaches and swelling in her ankles and feet. Her appetite should be hearty enough, so dump plenty of feed in the trough. Of course I’m joking! After these dainty meals, she could see some bleeding from her gums, especially when she brushes her teeth.

She should feel a definite uptick in the activity level and strength of motions from the baby. In fact, the baby will be kicking up a storm in there, and maybe even throwing some punches in for good measure. From all the angles and positions of the movements, many women start to wonder if they’re carrying twins or if their child is destined to join a circus.

In contrast to the fatigue she experienced in the first trimester, your BMP may now be feeling like she just chugged a couple of Red Bulls. But every woman’s body is different, and even the same woman can have a different experience from one baby to the next.

During this time, your BMP’s mammary glands will start producing colostrum. For those of you who don’t know: colostrum is a special substance, sometimes called “first milk,” that contains antibodies to help keep Junior healthy. It’s low in fat and high in carbs and protein, which may make it sound like a great pre-workout sports drink, but this is one fad that will never catch on. This fluid will nourish your baby if breastfeeding is on the agenda. A few days after birth, your BMP’s mammary glands will start producing mature milk, which doesn’t have colostrum in it, but which will still do a good job of helping Junior thrive.

If your BMP’s breasts seem to have sprung a slight leak, don’t be concerned. (Bonus: If she catches you sneaking a peek at her chest, for once you have a built-in excuse.) If her breasts and nipples look flat, she should consult the doctor or midwife. This is especially important if she plans to breastfeed.

Remind her to take any prenatal vitamins that have been prescribed and to drink lots of water for her overall health and a healthy pregnancy.

Exercise is still important too. It will get harder, because her balance is thrown off by the baby inside her . . . and also because smaller objects begin to orbit around her due to her size and gravitational pull. As she moves closer to the due date, her hips may widen slightly in preparation for the birth. In
no way
are you to notice this; the future of your relationship may hang in the balance.

Preeclampsia, or high blood pressure brought on by pregnancy, sometimes occurs in the second trimester. If your BMP experiences any of the common symptoms, including severe headaches, swelling in the face, nausea, or visual spots, she needs to contact the doctor immediately.

Braxton-Hicks contractions, also known as false labor pains, may be coming on. You can tell the difference between Braxton-Hicks and real contractions by a few differences:

1. Timing.
   Braxton-Hicks contractions don’t follow a regular pattern, unlike real labor contractions.
   
2. Pain.
   Braxton-Hicks contractions do not generally bring pain. Real contractions, on the other hand. . . .
   
3. Reaction to moving.
   Movement, such as walking, often stops Braxton-Hicks contractions.
   

Of course, you do risk ending up on the television show
I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant
if you ignore every symptom that occurs, so take note. You can even help your BMP keep a journal of symptoms.

As the second trimester moves forward, your baby keeps growing. Baby will change from the size of your blue balls to larger than the size of a softball.

Your little angel will also begin to protest her entrapment by kicking your BMP. Said angel will also have some slight movement of fingers and toes. And, to the relief of all, Baby starts to look less alien, as eyes move to their appropriate spot.

For your unborn child during the second trimester, hair is where it’s at. It’s like a '60s revival in there! Research tells us that at this point your child looks like Cousin It. Or put another way, your baby is getting pretty hairy from head to toe. But it isn’t time for an inutero laser hair procedure. The hair keeps Baby warm, and the unwanted fur will be gone in time for the first shot from your digital camera/phone/mp3 player. But if you have extreme hair issues on both sides of the family, maybe it’s time for both a college savings plan and a laser hair-removal fund, at least for the shoulders and upper back.

• You will start to notice many changes in your BMP, both physical and otherwise. Did someone shrink all of her shirts?
  
• When you have your first ultrasound, you’ll have the opportunity to discover the sex of your child. Do you want to know if it’s going to be a boy or a girl?
  
• She may experience Braxton Hicks, or false labor, contractions. It is advisable to know the differences between these and the real thing.
  

This is going to be a piece of cake. How much stuff can a kid need? A few bottles, a few diapers, a crib? That’s about it, right?

The simple answer is no. You’re about to enter a previously unknown (to you) and bizarre universe with so many options available that you need to do a dizzying amount of research.

If you’re planning to bottle-feed, your baby needs bottles, but what type of nipple are you going to use? Latex, silicon, and rubber are the most popular options, but which one is the best? I ask this in jest, as no man without children knows the answer to this question. But this example should at least give you a clue as to what you’re up against. Where you seek simplicity, none actually exists. There are five different bottle warmers, and we like the Brand X crib, but they have a history of safety issues, so should we pick something different?

Are you beginning to see the light? Tackling all the possibilities for each product is a tough task for anyone. Just make sure you think about putting some honest effort into being informed on some of the more important items. Many websites are dedicated to the topic of buying baby stuff, along with moms' comments attached — kind of like your fantasy message board, but more serious, and actually providing useful information.

Aaaahhh. The joys of nesting. But what exactly is nesting? Nesting is the pregnant female’s need to scrub, scrub, and then scrub some more until the entire house is germ-free in preparation for baby’s arrival. Kitchen disposals will be deconstructed and scrubbed. You favorite pair of boxers from college may “accidentally” be thrown away. Your woman will feel the almost insatiable need to clean every nook and cranny of the kitchen, garage, attic, and refrigerator. No cleaning project will be left undone.

And you thought you were going to get to relax this weekend! In nature, males go out to hunt during this time. For us modern human males, the local bodega or grocery store just isn’t far enough away for us to justify our “hunting” there to last all weekend and missing out on this pregnancy ritual.

Be ready for the honey-do list to grow to lengths unseen before now. Just know that, statistically, your man-cave is finished. On its last legs. The weakest of the herd. That man cave — where you used to watch football games and brag to your friends about how you
could
smoke cigars, but you just didn’t want to — is about to be turned into a baby palace full of duckies, bunnies, and bright pastels. You had a good run, but now it’s over. So get ready to go to the home-improvement store and pledge your love for light yellow or gender-neutral green. Get ready to buy all the most expensive everything (because you love your new baby-to-be, don’t you)?

When preparing Baby’s room, there are a few things you might want to remember:

1. Read reviews on cribs and check the manufacturers' past products for safety, especially if you’re buying a “lightly used” crib. The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission keeps a list of recalled baby and children’s items here:
   www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/category/child.html
   . Recalled toys are listed separately here:
   www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/category/toy.html
   .
   
2. If you decide to paint Baby’s room, remember that paint fumes are not the best for your BMP and the baby, so make sure you keep the area well ventilated. Waving the “free-beer” sign may be enough to convince friends to help.
   
3. Although ultrasound technicians are pretty good at determining the baby’s sex, it doesn’t hurt to purchase a few neutral-colored items.
   
4. “Specialty” baby stores charge double.
   

Don’t go overboard. You can score some free baby items with a well-planned strategy for your baby shower.

I recently attended a friend’s baby shower. I was yet again confused by the fact that no shower was offered and no babies were present. As I glanced around the room, I spotted ample food and drink, so I proceeded into the heart of the misnamed event. It was a couples' shower, which is basically a lame attempt to include the father in the pregnancy experience. Even though there was a football game on, it quickly became apparent that the only part of this gathering that the father-to-be could savor was the perfectly cooked steaks and the well-stocked bar. Everything else, from the decorations and ridiculous party games to the gifts themselves, was intended for the pregnant lady and her birth-canal-storming offspring to enjoy.

Meanwhile, my buddy sat idly by, not knowing what half the gifts were or how to use them. But I felt like he was looking at this event in the wrong way. With a little planning, a baby shower isn’t an assault on your manliness — it’s a way you can get your friends to help you stock the baby’s room.

Most men initially see the baby shower as a big ordeal they’d prefer to avoid. If that’s how you feel, get over it, because it’s probably going to happen. We know that at this point in your evolution as a man, the baby shower ranks below several other events you can think of, mostly involving professional sports, scantily clad women, great food, or, ideally, all three. You can guess how this thing is going down. Some super-enthusiastic “friend” will insist on it. You may want to make sure said friend is a real go-getter, and that she understands any budgetary restraints you’re under.