Enough Isn't Everything (Everything Trilogy) (28 page)

Alfie
 looked hurt. His eyes pierced mine, then searched my face. “I told you the reason for that,” he said softly, wandering over to rest a hand on my waist, despite my request for him not to touch me.

“Could you be miserable because we’re not together, Lily?”
 His voice sounded seductive again and my breath hitched.

I dug deep and found the strength to argue back.
“Alfie… we were never together. We had this weird-fucking-arrangement, that’s all.” I took a step backwards from him.

He
 stepped back as well and leaned on the counter again. He waved a hand up and away from his body. “Okay, have it your way. Go, but know this, I never meant to hurt you.”

He swallowed and his eyes softened. “I want you. You
 
know
 I want you. I just can’t love you. I really, 
really
like you though, Lily. I’d like to spend time with you. We could have some amazing times together.”

He sighed and looked
 seriously at me, and I wished I didn’t love him. “Can you at least think about what we talked about today? Will you text me? Promise me you’ll text me… I still want to know how you are. If I can’t have you physically, I’d like to be your friend.”

I gave him a small smile, even though I wasn’t feeling
 confident about his suggestion, but I was still in his home and wanted to appear as amicable for now. “Sure, I’ll think about it.” Even as I said it, I wasn’t sure I’d ever be in a place where I felt able to be just friends with Alfie.

I turned and headed for his front door and was on the other side of it walking toward my car before he said anything else. The last thing I wanted was Alfie coming after me.

I stabbed my key in the ignition and drove slowly out of the driveway. In my rearview mirror I saw Alfie standing by the window, his head down, rubbing the back of his neck.

I
 steered the car in the right direction and glanced back again at the window. He looked up with a sad expression on his face. Alfie placed his palm over his breastbone and began to rub it. I kind of wished that his action was because his heart ached because I was leaving, but I knew better than that.

My feelings for him were so raw, so I tried to block him out on the way home.
 When I got into the safety of my bedroom, I threw myself onto my bed, facedown, and sobbed my heart out again.

My body ached for him.
 Everything about him was perfect to me, except his lack of commitment. He was bad for me. I fell asleep for about fifteen minutes and woke with my cell buzzing.

Will: B there in fifteen.

Shit. I’d overslept. I practically threw myself in the shower, pulled on some blue cargo pants and a cream t-shirt and was lacing my sandals up when Saffy walked in. “Will’s waiting for you, honey.” She smiled. “I didn’t get much sleep. I went to Will’s place, to wait for him getting back from his meeting last night,” she said smiling ruefully.

I felt guilty but covered it
 up by trying to change the subject and threw a cushion at her. “You are both like rabbits!”  I’d been part of Will’s meeting, and hoped my feelings of guilt didn’t show. They didn’t appear to as she winked back at me.

I was out of breath when I got into Will’s car. “Hey,” I said a little breathless.

Will obviously had a good night, he was grinning when he saw me. “Hi beautiful, how are you this morning?”

I managed a half smile.
 
“Okay.” Will was pulling out of the condo parking lot and stole a glance at me after pulling out onto the road.

“Are you sure?”

He looked again and narrowed his eyes, before focusing again on the road. “Okay, what’s the deal, because you were fine when I left you last night.” Will knew me well now, I couldn’t fool him. I sighed and inhaled sharply before controlling my voice.

“
I had a very interesting conversation with someone I was involved with last night, it’s made me… I don’t know, confused, I suppose.” Will reached over and took my hand.

“Max?” I shook my head. “From home…in London?” he asked again.

I felt bad. I hadn’t been honest with Will. I needed to come clean with him about Alfie. “No Will, about Alfie… there’s more to it than I’ve been letting on.”

Will let go of my hand
, and he gripped the steering wheel, his head snapped around to look at me. “Alfie? There is? What do you mean, I don’t understand? He ignores you for the most part.”

I told Will
 about meeting Alfie on campus and about my no-strings-sex with him. I stopped short of using the title ‘fuck buddy’.

Will sat quietly, his mouth
pursed in a tight line, looking ahead at the road. He stole glances at me and looked away again every now and then.

“Are you serious, Lily? This isn’t one of your practical jokes?” I shook my head and had no idea what was running through his mind. Probably that he didn’t know me at all.

“I’m not proud of it, Will.” I would have to accept it if Will didn’t trust me at all now, but I couldn’t go on letting him defend me about Alfie. I’d been fooling him when he was angry with Alfie for ignoring me.

He looked mad
. “Did the bastard play you, Lily? Did he force into having sex with you?”

“No, Will, nothing like that. I was more than willing.”

I saw Will swallow hard when I admitted that. “We’ve been over for a while, since Max, but he doesn’t want it to be finished. The crazy thing is he doesn’t want any commitment either.” I was worried about Will’s reaction now. “I was doing great, but now he’s started coming around more and he’s kind of in my face playing mind games with me.”

My eyes filled with tears
, and I looked up, blinking fast, as I struggled to keep them from falling. I was so tired of crying. I could tell he was processing what I had said and knew he’d have questions for me.

“So… this conversation last night, it happened in Mandy’s kitchen I take it? Where did that go?” He looked disbelievingly at me. “Did you go home with him?”
he asked softly.

“He
 was waiting for me outside. I didn’t plan it. He said he only wanted to talk and persuaded me into giving him a ride home. I got upset and ended up staying at his house last night.”

Will drove into the car lot on campus and
 switched his engine off.

He closed his eyes absorbing what I’d told him
, and I waited to see how he was going to respond to my deceit.

“So you stayed the night?” I nodded.

“I didn’t sleep with him though, if that’s what you think. He slept on the couch. It was supposed to be a simple relationship, but it’s turned out to be a really complicated one, and we’re not even together.”

“So… What? You want to talk about it with me now?” He seemed to be trying to contain his anger.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I knew him, but I wasn’t proud of what happened. I could really use a friend right now, but I understand you’re hurt that I lied to you.”

I sniffed and licked a tear that streaked over my lips. “I told you because I don’t want any secrets coming between us and our relationship. If talking about my love life
, or the lack of it, does that I’ll keep it to myself.” I swallowed and waited for him to reply.

He chewed his lip, mulling over what I’d said and shrugged. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I held his
gaze, then lowered my eyes.

“I was ashamed, and although
 Saffy and Holly know I had a relationship with someone, they never knew who he was. So you are the only person who knows who it is, Will. I really want it to stay that way… and I don’t want him to know you know.”

His eyes went wide.
 “Really?” I shook my head. He squeezed my hand. “Guys like Alfie take what they want Lily. You should never have been with him. He would know exactly what it takes to charm you.” I nodded to show Will I knew what he was saying.

“That’s just it, I got that. It took me a little time, but I got there and broke it off
… except he still wants me. This morning, I told him that I wouldn’t go there again with him, and now he wants to be friends.” Will moved my hair away from my face.

“Can you do that? Be friends with him? Maybe it would ease the tension for him
, and he’d move on.”

I considered what Will said. “I had that thought
of that before too, so… maybe, I’ll try.”

“Meanwhile, talk about it, I’m here for you,
and I’ll be honest with you if that’s what you need. Lily, your secret is safe with me.” I felt relieved that someone could share this with me, and I knew that Will cared what happened to me.

“He
… Alfie, asked me if we were sleeping together. He thinks that’s part of the reason I’m not with him.” Will looked wide eyed again, his jaw dropped open.

I giggled at his shocked look. “Hey, I’m not that bad!” I joked, but felt self-conscious at telling him this. “It’s not the first time. Remember your exchange in the car lot on campus? Then in the kitchen at Mandy’s there were comments too.
This morning he asked if you were better than him.”

Will’s knuckles were white on the steering wheel
as he growled, “fucking pervert.” I giggled again, seeing the humor in Will’s anger. “Why would he think we were having sex?” I bunched my brows thinking about that too.

“He said we played like we were in love.”

Will raised an eyebrow and glared at me. “What did you tell him?”

I half smiled
. “The truth Will, I told him what we have is better than sex.” I then relayed Alfie’s comments about Will and the sax, although I giggled a lot when I tried to tell him that part.

“Shit Lily.” He chuckled heartily. His eyes went wide and sparkled with
humor. I giggled embarrassed that I’d said anything. “How am I ever going to wrap my lips around my sax without thinking about that now?”

He scowled, looking tormented.
 
Will’s thinking voice once again failed to stay in his head, and I blushed crimson. Will drew breath again. “He really thinks we are having sex? You think we give off a vibe or something?”

I shrugged.
 “What does that matter? We know we’re not. Well, at least if we are, I’m just not feeling it with you, baby.” I winked playfully, pretending to flirt.

He
grinned, but his expression changed to serious. “Me neither… pity though,” he said, chuckling, a mock seductive expression on his face. I swatted him on the arm and smiled warmly, he was funny.

The actual day at college went better than I expected. My
midterm theory and performance exam results were great. I got a lift back from college with Neil, who was passing by my condo building.

Will and I didn’t have any more discussions about Alfie, but our earlier conversation about him helped me put some perspective on the whole situation with him. I’d been thinking about how to deal with Alfie all day since and
how Alfie thought I should try to be friends with him.

I definitely didn’t want
 any more of the treatment I’d been getting from him lately. So I figured the best way to get over him would be to try hard to hang with him if I could and hope we got past this.

It would at least allow me some control over
 my feelings when we were in each other’s company. I hoped by doing this that, maybe he’d move on to someone else when he realized we were definitely not acting on our lust anymore.

Being full of great ideas and impulses, I decided, rightly or wrongly, to put this to the test. I was going to try and get him out of my system once and for all. This was going to take some nerve on my part, but I felt confident that I
could handle whatever happened.

I wandered into my bathroom with a plan formulating in my head.
 I quickly showered and changed into a soft flowing sleeveless blouse and some denim shorts. I grabbed my cell, took a deep breath, and punched out a text. I blew it out when I hit the send button.

Pink Lady: Can you really do just friends with me?

SEXPERT: Sure. Want to get a drink?

His reply was almost instantaneous. I hesitated, not sure if I wanted to put alcohol into the mix at this point. I didn’t get the opportunity to reply before Alfie texted again.

SEXPERT: You have the advantage.

Pink Lady: How so?

SEXPERT: It’s your call, I have popcorn and two new blue-rays, want to come to the movies?

Could we really just hang and watch movies together?

Pink Lady: can you promise no sexual intent, or mind games?

SEXPERT: X my heart, but we can flirt though? Agreed?

Pink Lady: We may need boundaries around that, but I’ll bite…for now. See you in thirty minutes.

By the time I’d driven over there I was nervous. I almost turned and bolted when I saw his house. I knocked, and Alfie opened the door. He was stripped bare except for a small towel. I backed away and the panic I was feeling must have registered on my face.

Alfie
 held the towel with one hand and put his other one out to stop me.
“
No, no, sorry, this wasn’t planned Lily, I promise. I was painting when you texted me. I needed to clean up, you just came too quickly,” he blurted out, grinned, and pulled his hand to his mouth with laughter.

“Shit! I just made a
 ‘Freudian’ slip too.” He choked back a laugh before straightening his face and saying, “Sorry, I’m nervous. I’m not used to the just-being-friends thing yet.” I tried to ignore the towel and took what he said at face value.

Alfie started to go upstairs and called back
, “You want to set us up while I get dressed? The movies and popcorn are on the kitchen counter.” Not sure what I was doing here, but now that I was, I went to pick up the movies.
Safe House.
I read the blurb on the back, and the other seemed like another action movie, so I figured this one was as good as the other.

He came back
downstairs about five minutes later, shaking his hair, and I realized this was his version of brushing it. He padded barefooted into the kitchen, and I heard the fridge door open, then he rifled through his silverware drawer.

A few seconds later I heard a pop, and some glasses clinking together
, before he came back with a bottle of Pinot Noir and two glasses.

“Are you ok
ay with red? I know it’s quirky, but I like it from the fridge. You can leave it at room temperature to warm if you want.” He gestured the bottle at me.

I held my hand up
. “I’d better not. I have to drive back.” He looked thoughtful.

“I shouldn’t either
then, eh?” I felt bad that I’d crashed his evening, and he was trying hard to be nice, so I relented a little.

“Okay, I’ll have half a glass.” I smiled shyly.

We sat awkwardly, shifting in our seats. I was having a hard time concentrating when he was in the same room. After about ten minutes of the movie he pressed pause and turned to face me.

His finger wagged between us. “Is this as awkward for you as it feels for me?” He stared at me seriously, but I wasn’t sure whether it was a trick question.

“How do you mean?” I asked, thinking he was going to talk about us previously meeting to have sex.

“We’re at opposite ends of the
 room, it feels so unnatural. Can we try something?” I was immediately guarded.

“Depends what that is Alfie
,” I replied honestly.

“You cuddle Will and Neil and you’re not having sex with them, right?
” I could see where this was heading.

“You want to cuddle me?” He grinned, and nodded.
“Would that be okay?”

I bunched my brows. “I thought you didn’t do the emotional thing?”

He smiled. “This is about comfort, not emotions, Lily.” As if it made perfect sense to him.