Eternal Hearts (Incurable Hearts 2) (7 page)

“I know it is a shock but I wanted to meet you”

The smile forming on Lizzie’s face took years off her, it was the first genuine smile I
have seen from her. I sat on the stool further up the bar, giving them the space they needed. My muscles tightened when I saw tears forming in Lizzie’s eyes, I haven’t forgotten her drunken, emotional outbursts with Jas and I prayed she didn’t unleash any today.

“I’m glad you came. God, this is unbelievable. I don’t know what to say” Lizzie said
, soaking up every bit of Ava.

“My
plan is to stay in Cambridge, so we can arrange a day to get to know each other, if you want?” Ava asked her.

“Yes! Of course I want that” she replied getting very teary.

“I have to go now, here is my number. Call me when you want to meet up, I would prefer it not to be in a pub though” she said, strongly knowing how she wanted this possible relationship to proceed.

“Of course not, we can arrange a more suitable place. Here is my number,” she said writing it down on a scrap piece of paper from her bag on the bar.

“Where are you staying?” she asked.

“With Fiona and Henry”

“They are good people, they looked after your mother when I didn’t” Lizzie said wistfully. I could see how this was going, I stood up and stepped closer to Ava.

“Always quick to save the girl CJ” Lizzie snapped at me.

“This has been a pleasant introduction Lizzie, let’s not ruin it now” I said.

“
I’ll call you tomorrow” Ava said standing beside me.

“Make sure you do, I messed it all up with your mother,
and I don’t want to do the same with you”

“I’m sure you won’t” Ava said beginning to walk away.

Hell no she won’t, because I’ll not give her the opportunity to do so.

    
“She seems so lonely” Ava spoke once we were back in the car.

“She has been on her own for a long time, not that she didn’t bring it on herself. Don’t pity her too much” I warned her, “Anyway, what shall we do for the rest of the day?” I asked her changing the conversation.

“Rose mentioned my mother left her the house, she said I was more than welcome to visit so I could see where she lived”

“I don’t think it will be the same as when Jas was there,” I said hoping she wouldn’t want to still go.

“Rose said she hasn’t changed a thing” she challenged, “I know it won’t be nice for you, I can go on my own if you like?”

“That won’t be necessary,
I’ll take you,” I said, regretting I opened my mouth in the first place.

I took the next exit and made my way back to the big white house.

I couldn’t stop the lightheaded queasiness that passed over me as we walked towards the back door. Hundreds of memories kept flashing through my mind. My hands shook unlocking the door to the kitchen.

Inside, absolutely nothing had changed, it looked as if we should still be here, all living together under the same roof.

“It’s beautiful,” she murmured wondering around taking in her surroundings.

“You should see the rest of the house”

I showed her around the rooms downstairs including the extension where the swimming pool was housed.

When I closed my eyes I could remember the night she pushed me in the pool, hearing her giggle, watching her undress before jumping in and joining me, the way her skin felt against mine in the water. No, I had to stop thinking about her. I shook my head clear of thoughts and spoke.

“It took me a few days to find Jas after we had a falling out, it turned out I was working for her all along” I told her even though she hadn’t asked.

“You built this?” she asked surprised.

“I used to work for a guy called Joe, he was contracted to build this. Once we both knew where we stood with each other, it came in handy working here to be close to her”

“Sounds romantic”

I snorted, trust the female to think of romance at such a dire time.

“Come on, I’ll show you upstairs”

I needed the rest of the tour to be over with as soon as possible. I took the stairs quicker then I normally would. It wasn’t helping that the next room she would see was our old bedroom. I sucked in as much air as I could and pushed the door open. I couldn’t take my eyes away from the bed, the last place I held her, kissed her, spoke to her. The last place she was alive.

I barely noticed Ava moving beside me, I didn’t dare go in the room any further. The swelling ache in my chest was returning rapidly.

“Rose must have started packing up after all,” she muttered.

“What do you mean?”

“There is hardly anything in here” she said waving her hand around.

“This was exactly how she kept her room when she was alive, she couldn’t sleep when it was cluttered” I explained.

“Oh” She returned her attention back to the room, “What is in there?”

“That, was her wardrobe. Open the doors”

“Oh my god,” she gasped looking at al
l of Jas’s belongings.

I couldn’t appreciate it the same way Ava could, I made my excuses and left the room. I walked to what used to be her office.

I sat on the sofa and closed my eyes. I wanted to tell Ava everything she wanted to know, show her if I could but it hurt, the pain of opening up was excruciating.

“We can go now if you like?” she said from the doorway.

“I’m sorry, her bedroom brings back some of the worst memories I have of her”

“Why don’t you tell me about them, it might help?” she offered.

“I’m not sure you would want to hear them”

“I can always ask you to stop,” she continued.

“Okay. It was in her room where she was at her worst and at the end it was where she…died. Laying in my arms”

A tear fell before I could wipe it away, she moved closer and held my hand.

“I don’t know which is worse, knowing her and grieving or not knowing her and grieving” she said quietly.

I wiped my face and stood quickly.

“Why don’t I get you back to my mums, it has been a long day for both of us”

And I need a stiff drink or two, although I didn’t tell her that part. With Jasmine
’s letter to read I would probably need the bottle. I wanted to read it straight away but I forced myself not to open it.

It didn’t take long to drop Ava off and drive home.
She must have felt I had cut her off, but I couldn’t help it. I was back to three years ago, my grief felt fresh, I can’t be around Ava now.

I unlocked the door and went straight to living room, walking through the darkness I felt numb. I turned the lamp on and grabbed the bottle of whiskey from the side. I sat on the sofa and ripped open the letter.

To my Christopher,

If I thought writing my first letter to you was hard, this is
so much worse. If you are reading this then you now know about Ava
,
our daughter. I know you will want
answers, I will be completely honest and try to explain everything.

When I found out I was pregnant, I freaked out. As you know I couldn’t turn to my mother for help and I was too embarrassed to tell you I was pregnant. At the time I thought you would be angry with me, I was worried about myself and about what would happen.

I didn’t want to take the risk that you wouldn’t believe she was yours, added with I had nothing to offer her apart from growing up around my drunken mother. I didn’t want that for our child.

Once Jasmine Enterprises was established I contacted my lawyer to try and regain responsibility over Ava but I had lost all rights when I gave her up for adoption.

The best I could hope for was that she would want to find me when she was old enough. But, you know me, I couldn’t rest until I saw for myself she was safe and well. I used my money to hire one of the best private investigators to find her. For five years I saw her grow, knew her school grades and saw how happy she was from
photographs and reports. If I thought for one second she was in harm’s way I would have got her back somehow.

I’m sorry for not telling you the truth once we were together, it is true what they say – I could never find the right time, I have already bought you nothing but pain, there was no point in adding to it when you couldn’t meet her.

As I write this letter Ava is thirteen years old and living in London with her aunt. I have instructed Mr Jones to make contact with her after her sixteenth birthday. Of course I am leaving her a wealthy inheritance, it won’t make up for my absence but it will help her in her life somehow. Mr Jones will be giving her all yours and your family’s details to make it easier to find you if she wishes.

You know how much I hate this tumour coming between you and I, yet only being able to imagine our lives together with our daughter is the ultimate punishment I have faced.

The selfish part of me hopes you don’t hate me and can understand why I did what I did, but I don’t have any right to ask that from you. Being with you every day not saying anything has been hard especially as I know I won’t be around to explain when the time comes.

You will probably assume Henry and Rose knew about Ava but I assure you they don’t. I have carried this secret with me since the day she was born, ninth of July 1996. I envy the future you both have, here’s to the next chapter in your life babe.

Love your Jas xxx

I took a large gulp of whiskey and wiped my eyes. I didn’t know if I was mad at Jas for not telling me or mad at myself for not being mad at Jas, for understanding how she felt. She wasn’t a bad person, she thought she was doing the best thing for everyone. Could I blame her for that? My head was absolutely shot to pieces, I couldn’t think straight. I sat drinking from the bottle, telling myself I was thinking things through but in reality I just sat there numbing the pain I constantly felt.
For the last three years I have been lost without the woman who means everything to me, she withheld the most important secret she had from me, now that secret is staying at my mother’s house and I feel more lost than I did when Jas died. I have the support of my family, but it isn’t the same as what it would have been like if Jas was still around.

I never made it to bed, I was numb enough before I started on the whiskey, now I don’t think I could have made it up the stairs if I tried.

The whiskey done nothing to take the edge of the pain last night, its effect was less and less these days. I don’t think I am strong enough to be the one to help Ava put the pieces together of the life she should have had. However, as always I was kidding myself if I were going to let it be anyone else who helped her, even if the pain feels like it is going to kill me.

“Morning boss, the foundations are ready” Jase said walking into the kitchen as I was making a fresh coffee.

“Good, you survived the day
without me then?” I mocked.

“Not with Ava today?” he asked
, helping himself to a mug of coffee.

“
I’m going to see her later, I need to sort you lot out before I go anywhere” I joked.

“I’m sure we can handle it, we know what
we’re doing you know. You holding back?”

It was times like this when I missed the old Jase, he was too observant nowadays.

“It’s not that, Christ, I don’t know how to be a father,” I admitted.

“You’ll figure it out because you’re a good guy and well, because you have to. You have a chance to make up for all those years,” he said.

“She wants to know about Jasmine, everything about her” I told him.

“She is bound to, could you imagine not knowing your mum and then finding out she is dead?”

“I don’t think I can be the one to tell her” I admitted.

“Of course
you will be the one, I know you and you won’t let her down”

He had a point, I want her to know about Jas the way I knew her, the only person who can do that is me. I exhaled loudly and grabbed my coffee.

“Come on, let’s get some work done before you want to start painting my nails,” I teased, laughing as I headed for the back door.

“Whatever” he said, following behind.

Everyone had their jobs for the day, just because I owned the company didn’t mean I didn’t get my hands dirty. When I could, I worked as hard as the rest of the workers who work for me. The morning was running smoothly, I was able to free my mind of the last week’s events. That was until I saw Henry walking towards us with Ava close behind.

“Bloody hell, it is like we went back sixteen years,” Jase murmured seeing Ava properly for the first time.

“Tell me about it” I retorted before turning my attention back to her, “Hey, what are you two doing here?”

“Ava wanted to come by”

“I hope you don’t mind,” she asked timidly.