Everlasting Sin (16 page)

Could you imagine just waiting to be awoken, not knowing if you were going to an eternal lifetime of love and hope or if you were going to be burning in the pits of hell? Now that I was dead, it didn’t seem so bad.

I was alone with my thoughts and my memories. And all I could think about was Riley—her beautiful brown eyes, her long silky hair, the way she smiled at me when she saw me, the way she touched me so softly, the way she moaned when I kissed her. I could remember every last moment I’d spent with her. I couldn’t stop the guilt though. It stayed with me, even in death. And a part of me felt uneasy.

A part of me wondered if she would have still loved me if she’d known the truth. I thought back to that last night in Englewood. Clara had started drinking at lunchtime. She’d been texting back and forth with someone fervently, and all I could think about was how sad I’d been at not knowing when I’d see Riley again. We’d argued a little bit. Clara had told me that she could cheat on me just as much as I could cheat on her. I’d ignored her talk since it was the alcohol talking.

I hadn’t cheated on her physically, though mentally she was far from my mind. She’d gotten drunker at dinner, telling me I wasn’t really a man. That even Luke thought she could find someone better. I’d rolled my eyes and thought about how I could get Riley alone.

When she had gone to lie done, I’d felt exhilarated. I tucked her in with the flask and I knew it was over. She knew as well. And I didn’t feel guilty because she had been too busy texting back and forth. I didn’t know who she’d been talking to, but whoever it was seemed to make her happy because she laughed every time she got a new text.

I went to the beach with Riley, feeling like I was on top of the world. Everything was going right. And when we made love, I felt my heart overflowing with happiness and joy. But then my phone had started beeping. I pretended to ignore it, but I knew that it was bothering Riley as well. I watched her checking the phone but pretended to kiss her shoulder. I watched her as she read the messages and then deleted them. I saw the messages from Clara asking me to come and get her, but I ignored them.

In fact, seeing Riley delete the messages had made me happy. I was sick in the head, but they made me feel like she really loved me. I’d thought to myself,
How cute. She’s jealous so she’s deleting the messages.
I didn’t even consider going to pick Clara up.

And then we made it home and the police told us that Clara had been in a car accident. Clara had died and it was all my fault. I’d betrayed her and let her down in all the worst ways. Yet, Riley still had faith and love for me. She thought that I was still a stand-up guy.

Her words kept playing in my head.
“If you knew she needed you...”
and
“If you’d seen the messages, you would have gone.”
How could I have told her that I had seen the messages and I had known that Clara had needed me? How could I have broken her heart and my own in the process?

I’d thought I'd have more regrets when I died, but I didn’t. I thought it's because I’d died an honorable death. I hadn’t fought back. I didn't go dirty when I realized that Channing was going to go dirty. To be fair, I'd known before the fight had started that he was going to fight dirty. I’d thought he was going to knife me up, so I’d brought a small pocket knife with me as well. However, my plans had changed when Riley asked me to fight clean. I’d known in that moment that I would do what she’d asked. I’d wanted her to know that at least once I'd tried to think of someone else before myself.

I'd seen the look of surprise in Channing's eyes as he hit me, and I’d kneed him in the groin. “Pussy,” he had whispered in my ear as he'd choked me. “You're going to lose for some pussy.” His voice had been full of venom and I'd felt sorry for him. If that was all he saw when he looked at Riley, then he must have had a very sorry life. How anyone could look at her and not be taken by her beauty and kind smile was beyond me. Only someone very jaded could see Riley and only think of pussy.

Though, I'd be lying if I said that one of my regrets was not getting to spend more time with her in bed. It was as if our bodies had been made for each other. My favorite memories were of us kissing and making love. If I thought about it hard enough, I could almost experience the same thoughts and feelings I’d felt when I entered her. All I had to do was think very hard.

I didn’t think the angel was happy at my naughty thoughts because she kept punching me and saying my name. “Hudson,” she whispered. “Hudson.” Her voice distracted me and made me tired. It was as if she were lulling me to sleep. If I ever had kids, I would have recorded her singing nursery rhymes. She had the sort of voice that comforted you and made you feel safe.

I’d lied earlier. There was one thing I regretted about being dead. I regretted not knowing if I’d gotten Riley pregnant that night we went camping. She'd said afterwards that she was on the pill, but I knew that the pill wasn't one hundred percent fail proof. Part of me wanted her to be carrying my child so she’d always have a piece of me in her life, but the other part of me knew how selfish that was.

That’s when the sadness hit me. I was never going to see her again. Rage filled me as I realized what they really meant. All of a sudden, the memories didn’t seem like enough. How could they ever be enough? Memories didn’t replace my getting to touch her and hold her. Kisses in the mind weren’t as good as kisses on the lips.

I didn’t want to be dead. The poetic justice I’d believed had been served was unfair. I didn’t want to be in deep slumber. I wanted to be alive. I wanted to live my life. I wanted to own up to Riley about everything. I wanted to protect her.

It’s funny how you take things for granted when you’re on the earth. I’d given up hope. I hadn’t fought for her or for us. She was the one who had really tried to make things right between us. I was ashamed of myself for accepting death so easily. It didn’t feel so peaceful now. It felt tiring and upsetting.

The memories were no longer comforts, but taunts of what my life could have been. All I could think about was Riley and me on a beach. Riley was wearing a long, flowing white dress. It only took me a few moments to realize it was a wedding dress. There was a flower in her hair, and she was beaming at me, waiting. I realized that I was watching her walking down the aisle. I was getting married. My heart jumped for joy as I realized she was going to become my wife.

I wanted to savor the moment, but it faded quickly. Then I was in a room and there was a baby crying. My head was aching and I was annoyed. Why wouldn’t the baby stop crying? I found myself getting out of bed and walking through the hallways in an unfamiliar house. There were photos on the wall, and I gasped as I realized that they were of me and Riley and a bunch of kids.

I followed the sound of the baby crying and opened the door. Riley was sitting in a chair, and she was nursing. She looked up at me and smiled, and I was caught up in the beauty of the moment. I hadn’t expected to feel such a rush of love. I stood there, captivated by the scene in front of me, and then I started shivering.

Death felt colder than I thought it would. Colder and softer. My mind felt foggy as I realized that it was something pressing down on my body that was making me feel cold.
That’s strange
, I thought, I didn’t know I’d be able to feel my body. I’d just assumed that once I died I would just have my brain, my thoughts, and my soul. I guessed I’d never really thought about my physical body.

“Mr. and Mrs. Blake, I’m going to let you stay here with him for a few more minutes. He’s still unconscious and I don’t think he’ll come out of it tonight,” the lady with the sweet voice said to me. She sounded like she was shouting though. She was shouting and turning on a light.

I groaned as the darkness was lifted from me for a few seconds. For a moment, I almost thought I saw my parents, but then the light was gone and I was left with my dreams of Riley once more.

Chapter 16

Riley

Present Day

I woke up in my bed feeling groggy. I stretched and winced as pain filled my head.

“Morning.” Eden’s voice was soft, and I looked around the room to see where she was.

“Morning,” I whispered back at her. “Why are you in my room?”

“I wanted to make sure you were okay.” She stood up and walked over to me.

“I’m fine.” I rubbed my temple, and then it all came crashing down on me. “Hudson. How is Hudson?”

“We don’t know.” Eden’s voice broke, and I could see that her eyes were filled with tears.

“He’s still alive?” I asked hopefully.

“He’s unconscious. We don’t know what damage he might have right now,” she sobbed. “My parents and I were with him last night.”

“How did I get here?”

“Luke brought you with some guy named Justin.”

“Oh.” I bit my lip. “I want to go and see Hudson.”

“You should rest. You fainted. Hit your head pretty hard.”

“I’m fine. I need to see him.”

“Do you love him, Riley?” Eden sat on the bed and looked at me with wounded eyes.

“What do you mean?” I bit my lower lip and felt my face flushing. “Of course I love him. Just like you do.”

“No.” Her voice was louder. “I mean, do you love him?”

“Why are you asking me this?”

“Have you kissed him?” Eden sounded angry. “Have you kissed my brother?”

“I don’t understand.”

“Why are you lying to me?”

“How did you know?” I grabbed her hand and sighed. “It’s not that I wanted to keep this a secret from you. It’s just that we never really had anything substantial to talk about.”

“So you guys hooked up that summer?” Eden was crying. “That last summer?”

“Yes,” I nodded. “I lost my virginity to him that summer.”

“What?” she screamed.

“Oh.” I made a face. “You didn’t know?”

“Luke didn’t tell me all that. He just said that you guys had made out and Clara knew and it made her really upset and he had to comfort her.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” I sighed. “There were so many times I wanted to, but I didn’t know how.”

“That’s okay.” She sighed and then giggled. “Maybe it’s for the best. I would have wanted all the details, but it would have been too weird knowing it was my brother you were talking about.”

“I love him, you know.” I attempted to get out of bed. “I thought he died last night. I thought Channing broke his neck.”

“He tried.” Eden held out her hand and I grabbed ahold of it. “That guy is one sick motherfucker. Justin told me everything that happened. Everyone says that Hudson is lucky to be alive.”

“He’s going to be okay?” I felt tears running down my face.

“I don’t know what may be broken.” Eden’s face looked tired. “I didn’t stay long since I wanted to come back home and look after you.”

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“Of course I did. You’re my best friend, my sister. I couldn’t leave you alone for long. I had to make sure you were okay as well.”

“I love you.” I gave her a quick hug and she smiled.

“You’re lucky you’re not one hundred percent better yet or I would be slapping you for keeping such a big secret from me.”

“I promise you can slap me when the headache is gone.”

“Deal.” She laughed, and we walked to the living room. “Ready to go to the hospital? I can drive.”

“I’m still in my pajamas.” I looked down at myself and laughed. “But you know what, who cares. Let’s go.”

We drove to the hospital in silence. Both of us were too caught up in our thoughts to say anything else to each other. The humor of the morning was gone as we both realized the gravity of the situation. I was happy that Hudson was alive, but he was still unconscious and we didn’t know what damage he may have. Of course my mind instantly went to the worst options possible. What if he was brain-dead or paralyzed? What if he never woke up? I wasn’t even sure medically what unconscious meant? Did that mean he was in a coma? I didn’t bother asking Eden because I knew she wouldn’t have a clue either.

I sat back in the seat and cried silently. Once again this was all my fault. It seemed to be that I kept making decisions that were costing people their lives. I didn’t really understand why this had happened to me or to him. Though, I knew it wasn’t for me to understand. All I could do was pray and hope that he was going to be okay. I knew I wouldn’t leave him though. No matter what happened, I would still be there for him. I’d become his caregiver if I had to. Whatever he needed, I would give him. I still loved him more than life itself. I just hoped that the life he still had to live was one he would be happy with.

Eden pulled up at the front of the hospital and stopped. “You get out. I’m going to park the car.”

“Don’t you want to come in with me?” I frowned as I unbuckled my seatbelt.

“I’ll come in a bit.” She shook her head. “I’m sure you want some alone time with him.”

“Will they let me see him?” I gave her a look of thanks. “I’m not technically his family.”

“I put you down as his sister.” She grinned at me. “So yes, you can see him. Just don’t go kissing him or anything. I don’t want them thinking we’re some sort of weird family.”

I laughed then and smiled. “Thank you, Eden.”

“No worries.” She gave me a wide smile. “Now go and talk to my brother. If anyone can make him wake up, it’ll be you.”

I closed the door and walked into the hospital. It was clean, white, and clinical. I found the front desk and quickly walked up to one of the nurses.

“Excuse me. I’m looking for Hudson Blake, my brother.” I cringed inside as I said brother. It felt icky even thinking it.

“Hold on.” She held up a hand and typed into the computer in front of her. “Take the elevator up to the fourth floor and go to room J. You’ll find him in there.”

“Thank you.” I nodded and walked over to the elevator, my heart beating fast.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to see when I walked into the room, and that scared me. I stood in the elevator with a doctor and two nurses, and I looked down at the floor. I was starting to get a headache again, but I tried to ignore it. I got out on the fourth floor and looked around for a sign to point me in the right direction. I spied Luke standing with a petite black lady and walked over to them.