Eye Candy (57 page)

Masks hung on the wall above and around the fireplace: a pig, a crying face, and a screaming face, each with pointed screws designed to be turned, in order to slowly penetrate the mask.

“Who knew Les Grossman had a fetish for medieval torture devices,” said Rony.

“And he wants to be our next president?” Maggie questioned.

Adjacent to the fireplace was a wooden bench. Above the bench was a large clock. Suspended from the clock was a long, heavy pendulum tipped with a blade.

Poo went to the bench and lay on it. “Hey does anybody know what time it is? Time for a nap.” Poo gave the pendulum a swing.

“Oh, Poo, don’t do that,” said Rony. “I’m going to have nightmares for a week.”

“It’s okay,” said Poo, “it’s old and–”

The sound of wood snapping filled the air and the pendulum dropped straight onto Poo’s abdomen. Rony screamed and turned away.

Howard lunged and seized the pendulum, and lifted it from Poo’s body.

Poo sat up. He grabbed his stomach, searching for blood. He found none. “I’m okay. It just nicked my body armor, thanks to Speedy McQuickfeet over here.” Poo hugged Howard. Howard hugged him back. “We almost had Poo sushi. We almost had a loaf of sliced Poo.”

“Poo on a stick,” said Atom.

“Poo kebab,” said Blendo.

“Poo on the half-shell,” said Howard.

Everyone laughed. Even Danny, who could think of nothing other than finding Candy and then getting the hell out of there.

“Extraordinary,” Canary marveled. “A robot who invents his own jokes. Simply extraordinary.”

“Nobody touch anything else,” said Danny.

They filed past a wooden table equipped with wrist and ankle shackles. A round copper pan fitted with a small spigot was positioned where a restrained person’s head would be.

“Chinese water torture,” said Blendo.

Rony, Bella, and Rukara cringed.

They made their way through a doorway and into an anteroom. An elaborate staircase led up to the second floor.

A set of stone steps led down into darkness.

“What now?” Isaac asked. “Up or down?”

Everyone waited for Danny.

“Down,” he decided.

“Maybe we should split into two teams,” said Senator Stein. “We could cover more ground.”

“That’s true,” said Oberon. “We go up, you go down?”

“Any time, big guy,” said Romeo.

“How many times do I have to tell you, Romie?” said Oberon. “I’m married.”

“A boy can dream,” said Romeo.

“Do you?” Tim asked. “Do you dream?”

“I don’t sleep,” said Romeo, “although I do occasionally put myself into a low-power mode which is somewhat akin to sleep. And when I resume normal functioning, I often have memories of going places I know I have not been, and doing things I have not done, and meeting people I have not met. Last week, for example, I cleaned the entire restaurant top to bottom. Took me all night. When I was done, honey I could barely move. So I powered down for ninety minutes in order to recharge, and when I powered up again, I thought I had been to England and met King William and Queen Kate, and the three of us went shopping for butter. Believe me, sweetie, I have never left the upper forty-eight and I have plenty of butter in my walk-in.”

“Extraordinary,” said Canary.

“The most bizarre part,” said Romeo, “is that there is no data of the event. All that I see and do is recorded, able to be accessed at a later date. I can show you video of my activation.” Romeo’s face disappeared and a first-person perspective showed a technician dressed in a white coverall. “This is Peter,” said Romeo, “my birther. Wonderful human being.” Peter vanished and Romeo’s face reappeared. “That footage is more than twenty years old. Yet when I attempt to access my memory of my time with the King and Queen, there is simply nothing there.”

“Moshe and I have similar experiences,” said Tikva. “After we make love, we often power down, and when we wake up, we tell each other of experiences and adventures we’ve had, although clearly we’ve been in bed together all the while.”

“You two make love?” asked Rory. “How?”

“None of your business,” said Moshe. His deep voice echoed in the stone room. “Let’s move on.”

“Wait,” said Atom. His gaze encompassed Howard, Bernard, Moshe, Tikva, Romeo, and Sparky. “I have a question I simply must ask. Plus, I’m quite certain everyone is dying to know.
Do androids dream of electric sheep?
”

The robots were silent.

At last, Howard spoke. “As has just been demonstrated, androids may dream of any number of things. The answer, therefore, is . . . Yes, androids do dream of electric sheep.”

“Extraordinary,” Canary whispered.

~

“I say we stick together,” said Moshe, “and that we take the stairs down to wherever it is that they lead.”

“I concur,” said Danny. “Let’s move.”

The team descended the stairs as quietly as possible.

“It seems darker down here,” said Rony.

“Dungeons are like that,” said Atom.

“Dungeons?” said Delilah.

“Princesses are always held captive in the dungeon,” said Atom.

“Let’s just hope there isn’t a fire-breathing dragon down here waiting for us,” said Blendo.

“A robotic fire-breathing dragon,” said Atom.

“That’s something I’d actually like to see,” said Blendo.

“Not me,” said Danny. “I’d like to see Candy alive and well.”

At the bottom of the stairs, Danny came to a wooden door. He pressed a black latch and the door opened.

On the other side was a vast chamber. So vast that the light mounted on Danny’s rifle cast its beam into the darkness and was swallowed up. Danny swept his light in all directions but could see neither the far wall nor the ceiling.

Danny entered and the team filed in behind him. “Everybody stay tight. And stay alert.”

“This place is great,” said Poo. “I could tape my next stand-up special here. I could almost cut myself in half and make all the girls cry, and then Howard could save me like he did tonight. And maybe– ”

A giant jet of flame filled the room.

Everyone ran.

Half the team went left, the other half went right, as the flame hit the wall and rolled into a roiling ball. The wooden door began to burn.

“There goes another door,” said Susannah.

“Grossman is going to be pissed,” said Floyd.

The orange light of the fire illuminated much of the room. Eight enormous pillars ran the length of it. Danny ran as fast as he could to the nearest stone column.

Standing in the center of the room was a golden dragon. Great wings unfurled from its body. Claws raked the stone floor as it walked, giving off sparks. Red eyes shone in its head, between long golden horns and a mouth full of pointed teeth.

Atom, Blendo, Poo, Tim, Maggie, Isaac, Nik, Blackie, Whitey, Kong, and VanCat joined Danny behind the pillar.

They peered around the column at the dragon.

Its red eyes fixed on them. Its mouth opened and fire sprayed the stone pillar.

Danny and the others knelt, feeling the heat but momentarily safe from the flames.

“That thing is breathing real fire!” said Atom. “You’ve gotta be frickin’ kidding me!”

“Ask and ye shall receive,” said Blendo.

“Where is everybody?” Danny asked.

Across the room, the other half of the team were positioned behind a pillar. It seemed everyone was safe. For now.

Rukara’s voice echoed from across the room. “Anybody know how to slay a giant, fire-breathing mechanical dragon?”

“Use your invisible coat again,” Poo called out.

“No way!” Rukara yelled.

Danny called out, “Hey Bella!”

Bella stood. “Yeah?”

Danny pointed two fingers at his eyes, then at the dragon.

Bella and the others shuffled around so Bella could position himself for a shot.

Danny turned to Kong. “When he fires, you open up with everything you’ve got.”

“Got it,” said Kong.

Bella sighted through his scope at the dragon. When he fired, the muzzle flash lit up his face. The sound was deafening.

The huge .50-caliber round hit the dragon. It threw its head back and roared.

Kong took two strides from behind the pillar and squeezed the trigger. The gatling gun buzzed and a stream of bullets struck the dragon. It tossed its head and beat its wings.

Rounds from the gatling gun bounced off the dragon’s face and head and body. It opened its mouth. A river of fire filled the room.

Atom and Blendo grabbed Kong and yanked him behind the pillar as flames rolled over them.

Atom slapped at his face. “Am I on fire?”

“Let me see,” said Blendo. “No, but your face got singed.”

“Am I missing an eyebrow?”

“Yeah.”

“Not again! Which one is it?”

“Actually it’s both of them.”

“Let me see,” said Blackie. Atom faced him. “It’s not that bad. At least it’s symmetrical.”

“If we live through this, they’ll grow back,” said VanCat.

“So what do we do now?” said Poo. “About the dragon?”

“Why doesn’t it advance?” Isaac asked.

“It’s chained to the floor,” said Whitey. “See? It’s wearing a collar.”

Danny peered from behind the pillar. Whitey was right, a heavy chain connected the dragon’s collar to the stone floor.

Danny had an idea. “Maybe we’re going about this the wrong way.”

“How so?” asked Atom.

“There’s a ferocious fire-breathing dragon chained to the floor of a pitch-black dungeon,” said Danny. “Maybe it’s scared.”

Danny stepped from behind the pillar. Slowly.

“Say goodbye to your eyebrows,” said Atom.

The dragon fixed on Danny.

Danny spoke in a calm, conversational tone. “Hold your fire.”

“Fifty bucks says he gets roasted,” said Poo.

“Deal!” said a slew of different voices. Danny wasn’t certain who, as he kept his eyes on the dragon. It stared directly at him with its mouth open, baring its teeth.

“Hold your fire,” Danny repeated.

“Who are you talking to?” asked Rory. “Him or us?”

“Both.”

Danny made his way toward the dragon.

It stared at him with its red eyes.

Danny lowered his rifle and extended his hands, palms up. “Easy, boy.”

The dragon took a step forward. The links of the chain rattled and clanked.

“Easy. . . .” Danny moved forward, one step at a time. “That’s a good dragon.”

Danny was now a mere few paces from the dragon. “Easy, boy.”

The dragon was crouched low, with its head down and its mouth open, ready to breathe fire.

Danny extended his hand. “It’s okay.” He spoke in a quiet, calm, soothing voice. “It’s okay.”

The dragon took a step back.

“You’re down here all by yourself, aren’t you? Locked up in the dark. All alone.” Danny extended one hand.

The dragon took another step back, but the chain pulled tight and it could go no further.

“It’s okay. That’s a good boy. Or girl.” Danny reached out. He offered the back of his hand to the dragon.

Slowly, the dragon came forward. Its nose nearly touched Danny’s hand.

The dragon’s metal mouth glowed a dull orange, still retaining heat from having breathed jets of fire. Danny felt the warmth on his hand. He could almost hear the sensors in the dragon’s nose processing his scent, could almost see the shift occur in the creature’s mechanical mind.

The dragon took two steps forward, knelt, and rubbed its head against Danny’s body armor.

Danny grinned. “That’s a good dragon.” He stroked the dragon between its massive horns.

The dragon extended its neck, and Danny stroked it there, too.

Then the dragon folded its wings and rolled onto its back. Its four legs and feet flopped in the air.

Danny rubbed its belly.

The dragon let out a deep, contented sigh.

“Hey, you guys,” Danny called. “It’s okay, you can move up.”

The team approached with caution, coming slowly closer.

But the dragon simply lay there, on its back, feet in the air and long, forked tongue lolling out of its mouth while Danny slowly rubbed its belly.

“Un-fucking-believable,” said Rory.

“You actually did it,” said Tim.

“Of course,” said Rony, “he’s a roboticist.”

“Alright,” said Danny, “everybody move out. There’s a door over there by the dragon’s tail.”

Everyone took turns admiring and even petting the dragon as they passed by.

“He’s cute,” said Delilah.