Face the Music (13 page)

I can make lots of excuses, all kinds of excuses. Like this concert tour is too long and hard and demanding, like I’m human and under a lot of stress, like I’m only seventeen and trying to take on the responsibilities of an adult, like I’m tired of being a Christian role model for thousands of girls who make mistakes like this all the time. And all my excuses sound good and believable. At least to me.

Caitlin warned me to watch myself and my relationship with Jeremy. And mostly I have. Oh, I still talk to him and we compare notes on songs and stuff. But I’ve made a special effort not to put myself in any “compromising” situation with him—as in we don’t hang out just the two of us. I was almost beginning to think that we had some sort of unspoken agreement, although we never
discussed this. That would be too stupid. Because really, I never thought Jeremy would do anything. He is, after all, Jeremy Baxter, lead singer for the number one Christian rock band in the country. He’s won music awards and performed around the world. Why would he: 1) want to jeopardize that by getting involved with a seventeen-year-old? or 2) have any romantic interest in me in the first place? The whole idea seemed preposterous.

And the more time that went past, the more I thought that Caitlin was just being one of those paranoid Christians who thinks everything is scary and evil. Oh, I’m exaggerating there, she’s not really like that. I guess I just thought, “Hey, I’m Chloe Miller, I’m in control, and I’m above doing anything stupid, anything that would risk our reputation or the tour.” I suppose it was a case of pride getting the upper hand. You’d think I’d know better.

But back to my excuses, there’s someone else I could blame just a little. (I know this is a silly game, but I need to play it just now.) Beanie has been slowly changing my image from grunge girl to urban sophisticate. And since everyone says it’s an improvement, I’ve been playing along. The result of this is that I look a little more like a girl. I don’t get away with wearing cargo pants and T-shirts and Doc Martens all the time. “Your uniform,” as Allie used to say.

And they’ve all encouraged me to let my hair grow out, and it now reaches to my shoulders and looks kind of shaggy and cool. And okay, I’ll go so far as to say that I’m looking pretty good this summer. I’m not a beauty, but as Beanie says, “You’re growing into your looks.” Well, whatever. But this probably has given me a little more confidence when it comes to guys. Because I’ve noticed that guys pay more attention to me than they used to—I mean, besides the music part of my life. I get plenty of attention in that arena.

Oh, I’m sure I could go on and on and keep this up until morning without ever really putting down here what happened. And my whole point in writing this down was to make myself better. I think that when I see what happened in black and white (okay, purple and white since that’s my ink color tonight) I’ll see that it’s not really so bad. Not the end of the world as we know it. And maybe I can even just quietly sweep the whole thing under the rug, pretend it never happened, and return to life as normal. Okay, I realize I’ll need to talk to Jeremy about it and make sure that it never happens again. But I can do that. I must do that.

So here’s what happened. We’d just finished our concert (the first one we’d done with Iron Cross in a week), and the lingering group of groupies had dwindled to about a dozen or so,
mostly girls wanting to get signatures from the guys, although Allie and Laura were chattering away with several too, and I realized this could still go on for another thirty minutes. Anyway, feeling totally beat and useless, I slipped backstage to where I’d earlier spotted a couch that looked to be about a hundred years old. And I thought I’d just take a quick nap. No biggie. I’d barely stretched out on it when I heard footsteps and looked up to see Jeremy. Again, no biggie. We all know our way around the back of a stage by now.

“Hey,” he said. “That’s exactly what I was going to do.”

I sat up and made room for him. “Great minds, you know.”

He smiled. “It’s been a busy summer for you girls. How you holding up?”

“I guess we’re doing okay.” I reached around and rubbed a sore spot in my left shoulder—playing guitar every night can mess with your muscles. “But I’m sure we could all use a good, long rest.”

“Your neck hurting you?”

I nodded. “Do you get that too? That thing right between your shoulder blades after a long night.”

“Yeah. Turn around.”

And so I did. And Jeremy began gently massaging
the muscles around my neck and shoulder blades. And man, did it ever feel good. At first it was just the therapeutic touch on my sore muscles, but within moments, seconds even, I realized that I was feeling something else too. Something dangerous. But instead of listening to the little voice inside of me (the one that sounded just like Caitlin O’Conner tonight), I just sat there and soaked in all these amazing feelings.

“It’s been fun watching you girls growing up on this tour,” he said as he worked his thumbs in little circles around my spine.

“Growing up?” I queried, mostly just to keep him talking and rubbing my neck. Okay, I am shameless.

“Yeah. When I found out that Redemption was going to open for us, I was a little concerned. I thought you girls were too young. The truth is, I was a little insulted that Omega had paired us with you in the first place. But then I heard you play.”

“And you decided you could hang with the kiddies as long as they knew how to perform?”

“Exactly.” He laughed. “And you girls have continued to impress me throughout this whole year.”

“Well, thanks.”

He kept rubbing. “Thank you.”

Then it was quiet, and I began to feel pretty
uncomfortable. Okay, I was feeling pretty good too, excited and just a little light-headed and crazy.

“I really respect you, Chloe,” he said in a quieter voice. “And I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but I like you a lot too.”

I could feel my heart starting to pound now, so loud, I was sure that Jeremy could hear it too.

“And it’s even starting to bug me that you’re only seventeen.”

He stopped rubbing my shoulders, and I turned around to stare at him. “What?”

He smiled a funny smile. “Or maybe I wish I was Isaiah’s age.”

I’m sure the look on my face was somewhere between stunned speechless and oh-man-I-wanna-kiss-your-face!

“I’m sorry,” he said quickly. “That was out of line.”

I shook my head. “No, it wasn’t, Jeremy. I mean, I wasn’t going to say anything to you, but I’ve wished the same thing since I first met you.”

“Really?”

I nodded. I think I actually thought I might’ve been dreaming just then. I thought maybe I was actually snoozing on the dusty old couch and just having this way cool dream.

“I broke up with my girlfriend.”

I felt my eyes growing wider. “Really?”

“Yeah. I knew that something had to be missing if I was spending more time thinking about you than her.”

“No way!” And then I did something totally stupid. I threw my arms around him and the next thing I knew we were kissing.
K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
Passionately kissing, kissing, kissing, for several minutes that actually felt like several hours or maybe just a few fleeting seconds—oh, how do you know these things for sure?

I can feel my face burning even now just to be writing this down. But to be honest, my cheeks are probably burning with lust just as much as from embarrassment. I am, after all, only human.

Fortunately, we both realized what was happening and pulled away almost simultaneously. I could tell by the look on Jeremy’s face that he was just as shocked as I was.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I shouldn’t have—”

“No, no, I’m the one who should be sorry, Chloe. I didn’t mean for—”

“Chloe!” It was Laura’s voice yelling for me. Thankfully she was still around the corner.

“I gotta go,” I whispered as I stood and ran to find Laura.

And that was that. Oh, I know I’ll have to talk to Jeremy. And I’m not even that worried about it. Of course, I realize there is no way we can continue a relationship like that. Okay, my mind
knows this. My heart is singing a different tune.

The hard thing is going to be telling Caitlin, especially after she warned me. But at least she might have the satisfaction of saying, “I told you so.” Not that she’s like that. She’s not. But I deserve it.

Still, even though I know I blew it, the weird and confusing part is feeling this crazy mix of emotions right now. I’m not even sure I can list them, but I’ll try.

1. Embarrassed. I thought I had more self-control.
   

2. Thrilled. To think Jeremy really has feelings for
   me
   !
   

3. Humbled. I really am only human.
   

4. Ecstatic. Jeremy broke up with his old girlfriend—for me!
   

5. Confused. I am only seventeen. How can I have such serious feelings?
   

6. Flabbergasted. The most amazing guy on the planet likes
   me
   !
   

7. Humiliated. To think I broke my pact with Allie and Laura. Big-time.
   

8. Dreamy. I wonder when we’ll get married. What will I wear?
   

9. Stupid. What am I thinking? I’m too young to get married.
   

10. Hopeful. Maybe if we both can wait, maybe God can work it out.
    

11. Lame. Why did I let this happen now? What about my music?
    

12. Repentant. I’m sorry I didn’t wait for God on this.
    

Now, as I said, I already confessed this all to God, and I know that He forgives me. And I know that what happened tonight, as long as it remains an isolated event, won’t jeopardize anything for our bands. I also know that I will do everything I can to make sure it doesn’t happen again. But God is going to have to help me a lot with that.

Because we had an afternoon concert yesterday, I had to wait until the evening to have my conversation with Caitlin. I’d decided to talk to her first (before Allie and Laura) and see what she recommended for me.

But before any of that happened, I woke up (after about three hours of sleep) to find an envelope slipped under the door. It was the hotel stationery and addressed to me. I opened it up to find it was from Jeremy. I am taping this letter into my diary. It feels like one of those mementos that I will treasure always.

Oh, my heart felt so much better after reading that. Sure, I was still irked at myself, but at least I knew that Jeremy and I were on the same page. And I put on that wristband and wore it all day. I may wear it for the rest of my life, if Jeremy lets me keep it. But I’ll understand if he wants it back, especially since an old buddy gave it to him. And I do not think the WWJD is outdated. Good grief, I could’ve used this kind of guidance on Friday night when we were indulging in our big make-out session. It still scares me to think what would’ve happened if someone, like a music critic or anyone with a big mouth, had caught us like that. The spin they could’ve put on a story like that would’ve hurt us all.

I have to hand it to Caitlin. After I told her my story, she didn’t even get mad or say “I told you so.” But I could tell she was disappointed in both me and Jeremy.

“I’m really sorry, Caitlin. Believe me, I do wish I’d listened to you better. And actually I had been taking your advice pretty seriously, but then last night just sort of happened. It was weird.”

She nodded. “Yeah. It is weird. That’s what I was trying to tell you. When you really like a guy and he likes you … well, one thing leads to the next, and before you know it, you’re thinking about going to bed with him.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t—”

“Hey, Chloe.” She gave me the eye now. “That’s what you said the last time we talked, remember?”

I shrugged.

“It’s way easier said than done, isn’t it? And I know because I’ve been there. And I’ve had friends who’ve been there. And even though it feels wonderful and natural and beautiful at the time, it almost always blows up in your face eventually. Physical intimacy almost always leads to sexual intimacy, and sexual intimacy before marriage will always set you up for serious problems.”

Well, I wasn’t about to challenge her on this one. The funny thing was, I think she wanted me to. I think she was all ready to give me another little speech. But I guess she decided to save it for today. We girls had decided to have a partial day of rest by hanging at the hotel until it was time to hit the road at noon. And Caitlin was going to lead us in a devotional, but instead of doing our regular book, she did a devotional on sexual abstinence. Naturally, she had to tell the others that this was my fault. And of course, that required an explanation.