Famous (Famous #1) (3 page)

I silently chastised myself.
Who was I kidding?
I let my breath out in disgust, which drew her gaze quickly to my face.

Both of us were very good at memorization, so if we were honest, we had no need to run and rerun the lines,
or
the kisses the night before. The painful kisses were all that were possible and they left me aching, and wanting more. It was torture that I willingly subjected both of us to, and not just because of the script. Martin reminded me every other day that Brook was younger and more inexperienced than me and I wanted to scream every time he did. Did he think I was a bloody idiot or that I didn’t comprehend what he was fucking saying? I think that was the main problem I had with him, and why I resented him so much. That, and he operated in a constant state of chaos. Chaos on occasion was healthy, but he drove me crazy with it.

“Look, Brook, I’m sorry about before. This scene is difficult for me.” I felt embarrassed because surely she felt evidence of my arousal pressing against her when I’d pushed her back onto the bed, but she didn’t mention it. She had too much class for that, and I silently prayed that she didn’t think it was just lust I was feeling. It became extremely important that she understand I wouldn’t be aroused with just anyone in similar circumstances. It was all about Brook.

“For me, too,” her voice was low and aching.

“I’m… I’ll never be sorry that we met, though. I mean, I’m glad that we’re friends. I hope we can stay this way after the movie
is finished. You’re the first person I want to talk to every morning,” I said honestly.

She turned toward me and wrapped her arms around my waist. After a stunned moment, I followed suit, enfolding her in my embrace. “Yes. I’d like that,” she murmured softly against my shirt.

I felt a moment of relief. At least I could be certain that we wouldn’t lose touch after I went back to London, even if it wouldn’t be the instant satisfaction of having her near me all of the time. “We’d better get back. The production assistants are probably scrambling around looking for us.” I rubbed her back a couple of times before I let go of her, but slid my hand down her arm to take her hand as we started walking back into the building, and toward the set.

“Let’s kick the shit out of this take, huh?”

“Yeah, okay.” I decided I’d let myself pretend that this take was Cade and Brook, and not the characters we were playing. I decided to grant myself this one small gift and allow myself to really feel with her. Maybe today would be one of the last chances I’d have to kiss her, and I was going to savor every second no matter how much it would kill me later. “It’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to bloody do it,” I teased gently. She smiled and shook her head the way she always did when she was embarrassed by a compliment.

As we drew near the set, I dropped her hand and she shoved her hands into the pockets of the robe. “What do you want to do tonight?” Brook looked up at me expectantly. My heart swelled within my chest, and contentment settled over me like a blanket, a smile spreading across my face. For now, I could forget about the outside world and just concentrate on what I felt flowing between us. I knew she’d been fighting whatever was happening between us. We both were, but it was there: tangible, palpable, and alive.

“Whatever you want. We could order pizza and invite the others in to play music or a movie, or go out for dinner.” I loved it when we played music, and how Brook always watched me. It didn’t escape my notice that her eyes lingered on me more than anyone else, and it created such pure happiness, I had difficulty bottling it up inside. She could play guitar fairly well because she was learning it for another audition, but she didn’t have a guitar of her own. I smiled to myself as I thought of the pure mahogany one that I’d ordered for her, and would give to her on her birthday in a couple of weeks. I loved that she enjoyed the same music that I loved and playing together was something that could bring us even closer to each other. One thing that was just ours; that I could be certain she didn’t share with the boyfriend. I was more accomplished at it than she was, of course, since I’d been playing for years, but it gave me immense pleasure when she’d asked me if I could give her lessons.

“Music and pizza sounds really good.”

“Yeah, it does.”

It was my birthday and the day had been busy. Cade and I spent the entire day downtown, filming from early in the morning. I was tired, and cold as I arrived back at my room. The whole cast was taking me out for the evening, but Cade organized the whole thing. My heart tightened in my chest as I walked down the hall that led to my room. My manager, Jeanne, would have arranged for David to get a key from the desk, and no doubt he’d be waiting inside. If only I wanted to see him. I’d tried to dissuade him from coming, knowing what a grueling day I’d have, and how tired I’d be, but he’d insisted. Guilt crept over me. Being tired had nothing to do with not wanting him to come up from L.A. and I knew it.

He was a good guy, and we had a history, but there were times when I felt like I was talking to a wall and it didn’t matter what I said. When he got something in his head, it was over. Done. Everything was starting to feel superficial and I knew why. I beat myself up because I was constantly comparing him to Cade; the sensitive, intelligent, funny, gorgeous and gifted, deep thinker.

I’d been rushing so I’d have time to take a hot shower before meeting everyone at the party, but as I got closer to my room, my pace slowed. I wasn’t sure what felt more filled with lead, my feet or my heart.

I took a deep breath; as much air as my lungs could stand, and ran both hands through my hair as I walked the last few steps to the door. My fingers curled through the strands and I wanted to pull them out by the roots. I hadn’t seen David in a month, and a year ago I would have been anxious and excited at the prospect. Three months ago, even. But… not today.

I knew tonight was going to hurt the shit out of Cade, and I dreaded it. He was so open with his feelings, and more and more, it was eating at me. My heart hurt every time I saw the adoration in his eyes, and I was dying to tell him I was falling for him, too. As much as I’d tried to fight it, I knew I wanted it as badly as he did, and that made it inevitable. He could have played the movie star role so easily and brush David aside to get what he wanted, but he didn’t. He was caring of other people’s feelings, and of mine, and that made him all the more special.

So now, tonight, I had the man who had loved me for more than three years, and the one who loved me without measure, in a way that felt fucking celestial; both of them, together in the same room. I didn’t know if I was strong enough to handle it. I didn’t know if I was a good enough actor to pull this shit off.

I dug in the back pocket of my jeans for the keycard to my room. I tried to steady myself and shoved it in the slot. The lights flashed and the lock clicked before I pushed open the door. David was lying on the big king-size bed, watching television. All I could think about was that the night prior, Cade and I were
practicing
on that very bed.

“Hey,” his face lit up, and he jumped up from the bed. “There’s my girl! Happy birthday, Brook!” he said as his arms enfolded me warmly. I lifted my arms to loosely surround him as well, but my heart felt distant and involuntarily, I knew I was putting up a wall. My stomach lurched. I’d hoped that seeing David would vanquish the confusion I’d been having, but if anything, it only compounded it. And, the guilt was huge.

“Thanks. How long have you been waiting?” I pulled out of his embrace and kicked off my shoes. I knew I sounded less than enthused as he moved to take me back into his arms and press a kiss to my mouth. I tried to respond but these were not the lips I wanted. I couldn’t help myself from comparing the two men. Cade was tall, with dark blonde hair and deep blue eyes, David was part Mexican with swarthier skin, dark hair, dark eyes and stocky. He was handsome, but couldn’t hold a candle to Cade.

I am so fucked.

My chest tightened as he moved his hands over my back and ass, like he’d done a million times. It was familiar, but now it was empty; panic rising up inside me. His hands pressed me to him and I felt his erection pressing into my stomach.

“Forever. It’s been so long, babe. Let’s do it before dinner.”

I pushed away from him. “How romantic. You just swept me off of my feet,” I said coldly. He didn’t deserve my hostility, but I didn’t want his hands on me, his mouth pressing me for kisses. His face fell a little, and I regretted hurting him. None of this was his fault.

“I’m just really wiped out. I need to take a shower and get ready for dinner. The cast is taking us out.”

“Brook! You knew I was coming up here! Why do we have to go out with all of those people? You see them every goddamn day! If you’re tired, we should just stay in,” he said harshly.

I went to dig through my clothes and picked out jeans, a button-down shirt and clean underwear without saying anything. I knew whatever I said wouldn’t be what he wanted to hear.

“Well?” David demanded.
          

“
Well
, these are my friends. They’ve become like my family. I’m isolated up here and we have all become pretty close. I want to spend time with them tonight. They’ve gone to all this trouble and this may be the only birthday I’ll ever get to celebrate with them. Don’t make a big deal out of it.” I shrugged.

“Who exactly has gone to the trouble, Brooklyn?” David’s perception was not something I felt up to dealing with right now. His dark hair fell haphazardly over his icy grey eyes and he pushed it back impatiently.

“The entire cast wants to celebrate with me.”

“Yeah, sure,” he said skeptically. I averted my eyes for fear he’d read the truth there. “I wanted to be alone. We haven’t had sex in months.”

“Guh!
Really?
Happy birthday, I see that you’re dead tired, but let’s fuck?” This was not new behavior. He’d always been direct about wanting sex, but this time it offended me. Something had changed. I knew what that something was, but I tried to push it back and swallow the emotion rising up in my throat.

“That’s not what I meant. I miss you.”

“I’m sorry. I’ve missed you, too.” I gave him a quick hug. “We’ve got time later, but now I need to get ready or we’ll be late. I’m going to take a shower.” I turned and went into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I didn’t want him coming in there while I was naked in the shower and I didn’t want more interrogations either.

By the time I got into the shower, silent tears were falling down my face and I raised my face into the spray, trying to lose the tears in the rush of water raining down. How could things have changed so drastically in such a short time? My whole world had been turned upside down by a shock of golden hair, a set of amazing blue eyes, and a disarming smile; but it was more than that. Cade touched me on a deeper level. He and I shared a connection that couldn’t be defined or articulated, and there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it. Jesus, I was going to miss him. I closed my eyes as pain swept through me again. The guilt I felt for the man on the other side of the bathroom door wasn’t helping, yet, it felt if I let David touch me, I’d be cheating on Cade and I couldn’t do it. My heart twisted painfully in my chest.

Truthfully, I wished David would disappear and I could spend the evening alone in my room. I needed sleep and I wasn’t up for what I knew would follow. I didn’t want to deal with his confusion at my obvious distance, or to watch the pain that I knew I’d see on Cade’s beautiful face all evening. A huge part of me was hoping that he wouldn’t show tonight, that he would choose to stay away to protect himself, but I knew him better than that. He would be there for me, no matter how he felt himself. I leaned on the side of the shower and bowed my head as I struggled to pull it together.

*****

While David and I were in the cab that took us to the sushi restaurant where Cade had arranged my party, he pulled me close and I leaned on his shoulder, seeking comfort and to ease a portion of the guilt that was nagging at me. David had been with me since the ninth grade and we’d always had an easy, no pressure relationship. Only now, I was feeling pressure big time, but it wasn’t because of anything he was doing.

“What did your family send you for your birthday?” I felt uncomfortable with the small talk, and would have been content with the silence.

I inhaled and sat up, moving away from him slightly. “Um, my mom sent me some clothes and my dad and brother are going to visit later in the month. I hadn’t really thought about it, and I don’t need anything. There isn’t anything that I want,” I said absently, looking out the window as the lights of the city flashed their reflections on the glass. Vancouver was a lot like New York, bustling; the streets crowded, people walking everywhere, but on a less intense level.