Finding Faith (19 page)

Hard fingers dug into my arms and
pulled me back. Instead of continuing to fight, I stopped once I
saw that Reynolds wasn’t coming back for me.

“
Woah! Chill the fuck out, Finn!
What happened, man?” I heard Tiny say from behind me.

He was young, but he had a grip on
him.

I wiped the blood from my lip and
cheek as I tried to catch my breath.

“
He started the shit. I’m getting
about sick of him getting all fucked up on coke and acting crazy.”
I shook Tiny’s hands from my arms and turned to see Kevin and
Amanda staring at me from across the garage. “Get him the fuck out
of here until he sobers up,” I said to Kevin.

I sat on the couch pressing a cold
beer to my lip and watched as Tiny and Kevin helped Reynolds up and
dragged him to Kevin’s car. No way would he even remember the fight
the next day, but I was done. I fully planned on sitting his ass
down and having a long talk with him about his drug problem. If we
were serious about Original Malice, then we needed our heads in the
right place. Being fucked up all the time wasn’t going to cut
it.

Kevin came back in once everyone
was settled into the car.

“
He’s getting worse,” he said as
he pulled out a cigarette and lit it.

“
I know. We’ll go over tomorrow
and try to talk some sense into him.”

“
Yeah, that sounds good. You’re
different, too, you know?” he said as he exhaled smoke through his
nose.

I hadn’t expected Kevin to say
that. I looked up at him and nodded my head. I knew I was different
and that wasn’t a bad thing. “I know.”

“
I’ve known you for a long time,
Finn. You’re like my brother, man, and since you got Faith, you
seem a lot happier. I’m glad to see that. You deserve it.” He
stepped over toward me and grabbed my shoulder. “She’s a nice girl.
Be good to her.”

Kevin and I weren’t big on heart to
heart talks, so I nodded my head, acknowledging what he was saying.
“I will. Thanks, man. Be safe getting his crazy ass home. I’ll see
y’all tomorrow.”

We brought it in for a hug and
smacked each other on the back. He really was like my brother and
no matter what, he always had my back. I couldn’t have asked for a
better sidekick.

After they left, I went inside, got
a shower, and crashed. My face hurt like a bitch, and a tiny bit of
guilt for kicking Reynolds’s ass was starting to seep in. Needless
to say, I slept for shit. It wasn’t long before I heard my mom
screaming my name and pounding on my door.

I woke up disoriented and reaching
for anything in the darkness. In a panic, I jumped out of my bed
and tripped over my shoes. After stubbing my knee on a few things
and almost falling and breaking my neck, I managed to make it
across my room in the dark.

I swung the door open and flipped
on the light at the same time. When I did, my mom fell into my arms
crying. I held her close to my bare chest. Her tears dripped from
her chin and streamed down my torso. She was saying something over
and over again, but it was muffled. I leaned back and looked down
at her.

“
What is it?” Fear gripped my
heart. I’d only ever seen my mom like this once before and it was
when Mr. Charles, her husband, had died.

My thoughts went straight to Faith.
Panic set in until I remembered Mom didn’t know Faith.

“
Oh, thank God you’re here. I
thought you were gone. I thought you were with them and I’d lost
you.” Her words weren’t making any sense and with her crying so
hard, I could barely understand what she was saying.

“
I’m here, Mom. What’s going on?
Did you have a nightmare or something?”

I held her up and she continued to
bawl. “Jimmy, I’m so sorry. God, Jimmy, I’m so sorry, baby,” she
said over and over again.

Still I had no idea what she was
talking about. Her entire body was shaking and her breath was
beginning to hiccup.

“
For what, Mom? You didn’t do
anything.”

She slowed her crying and looked up
at me. She looked older with tears on her cheeks and red eyes. Her
hair was coming out of its bun and stuck out in random places.
She’d been awakened from her sleep too.

“
There’s been an accident—a bad
one. They’re gone. Reynolds and Kevin, they didn’t make
it.”

Her words swam around me. I was
still half asleep and confused, but finally they made it to my
brain and I realized what she was saying. She had practically
adopted Reynolds and Kevin as her own since they were always at my
house. She was freaking out and I could feel myself starting to
freak out, too.

My head spun and I felt like I was
going to be sick. My boys—more like my brothers, the only brothers
I’d ever had—they were dead. Gone—never coming back
again.

I gripped the edge of my dresser to
hold myself up, but then I began to dig my fingers into the wood as
anger set in. I wanted to pick the dresser up and put it through
the wall. My breath was coming too fast and hard as I began to
hyperventilate, yet I couldn’t breathe. I needed to
breathe.

Mom wrapped her arms around me and
I felt like I was suffocated even more. I moved away from her and
pressed my head against the wall. The place where Reynolds had
punched me earlier that night started to throb when I ran my
fingers through my hair, reminding me of our last moments
together.

I couldn’t help it from then on
out—I cried. It was hard and loud as I pressed myself up against
the wall as if I could go through it and disappear. This wasn’t
happening. No way was this really happening.

So many people had walked away from
me all my life, and Kevin and Reynolds had been two out of the few
that stuck with me no matter what. Yeah, Reynolds had a drug
problem, and yeah, Kevin knew exactly what to say to piss me off,
but they were like my family. Other than my mom, they were the only
real family I’d ever had.

I reared back and put my fist
through the wall. Pieces of paneling splintered into the air around
me. My hand throbbed with my heartbeat and it hurt. I needed
something to hurt—anything but my heart, which ached so badly I
thought it would stop completely. I collapsed on my bedroom floor
and I felt my mom holding me and wiping the tears from my
cheeks.

Once the sun came up, all the
details started to come out. Kevin had been intoxicated and
Reynolds took over the wheel. Why hadn’t I seen how drunk Kevin
was? I was so caught up with Reynolds and his bullshit, so caught
up in my new way of life, that I hadn’t paid enough attention to
him.

I’d already been at the hospital
with Tiny for an hour before he woke up. He’d survived, but barely.
Both his legs were broken and a large piece of metal had gone so
far into his side that the doctors were saying it was a miracle he
was alive. He looked like shit—barely recognizable—and I couldn’t
help but feel like it was my fault.

I found out soon after that Amanda,
Faith’s friend, also died in the crash. My heart broke for Faith
and all I wanted to do was go to her and make sure she was okay.
She didn’t have a lot of friends in her life and she’d known Amanda
since they were little girls. She wasn’t going to take it
well.

I gripped my steering wheel hard as
I drove to the church. It was Sunday and I knew that’s where Faith
would be. Fuck the rules her dad had laid down. If she already knew
about Amanda, then she would need me, and if she didn’t already
know, I wanted to be there for her when she found out. Plus, I
needed her. I needed her so bad. I felt like everything was falling
away from me and I wanted to see her face—know she was okay and
still breathing.

I didn’t bother going in the front
door of the church. Instead, I went into the side door that went
straight to the kids’ room. If she wasn’t in there, she would be at
some point. I looked like shit and I didn’t want the church people
looking down on me. Not then—not when I was breaking apart piece by
piece.

I heard her soft crying from around
the corner. Once I made it into the room, I found Faith sitting at
a table with her head down. Her dark hair spilled over her arms and
shined in the sunlight coming through the closest
window.

I wasted no time going to her. I
sat in the chair next to her and picked her up from her seat,
placing her in my lap. She collapsed against me and wrapped her
arms around my neck. I held her close as she wet my shoulder with
her tears. Rubbing her back, I tried my best to console
her.

She leaned back and swiped at her
red face with the back of her sleeve. “I’m so sorry about Reynolds
and Kevin. I can’t believe they’re gone, Finn.” Again, she started
to cry. I felt a tear of my own roll off my chin.

I held her that way until people
started to come into the room. When it was time for me to leave, I
kissed her cheek with a promise in my eyes that I’d see her again
very soon. If she needed me, she knew how to reach me and she knew
she could no matter what.

Reynolds was buried first. Mom and
I stood next to his grave as he was lowed into the ground. I felt
like I was suffocating, both because of the fact that my boys were
gone and the stupid fucking tie I had to wear. I could practically
hear Reynolds laughing at me. No doubt about it, if he were still
there, he would have gotten a kick out of me wearing a
suit.

I helped his mom make it to her
car. She wasn’t even walking on her own. Reynolds’s cousin, Mike,
and me were practically carrying her. She was on so many drugs to
cope that she was talking out of her head and calling Mike
Reynolds. It was so fucking sad to watch.

That night, Faith called to check
on me. It pissed me off that she had to hide being on the phone and
I only got to talk to her for three minutes. I missed her and I
needed her—she needed me.

Kevin and Amanda were buried on the
same day. By the time they lowered Kevin in the ground, I felt
numb. His little sister, Erica, cried on my shoulder as I held her.
She was only five; she shouldn’t know what it felt like to lose
someone. Kids shouldn’t hurt, but I’d seen enough in my life being
tossed from one home to next, and the one thing I knew was that
kids were always getting hurt—and somehow they survived.

Before leaving the graveyard, his
mom made me promise to stay in touch. As if I wouldn’t have. Mom
and I drove in silence back to the house. By the time we got home,
it started to rain. She ran inside and I went into the garage for
the first time since the night of the accident.

I stood there with my hands on my
hips—my tie loosened around my neck—and took in the space.
Reynolds’s drums were still strewn around the room from our fight.
I sat on his stool and started to put them back together again. Our
last moment together beat into my head over and over again. What a
fucked-up way to spend your last moments with one of your best
friends.

I picked up his sticks and set them
on top of the snare. Reaching up, I wiped away a tear that had
slipped down my cheek.

“
Are you okay?” Faith asked from
the garage door.

I hadn’t known she was standing
there. She looked so beautiful. Her hair was pinned back and tiny
strands had escaped and were dangling around her face. The long
black dress she wore touched the ground and black lacey flowers
were stitched around the neck.

Her eyes were red and puffy. Her
nose looked raw like she’d just gotten over a bad cold. Seeing her
instantly made me feel better. I held my arms out to her and she
came to me and sat on my lap. I held her as she cried on my
shoulder.

When she stopped, she looked up at
me and softly kissed me on the lips.

“
I missed you,” she
said.

I twirled a piece of her hair
around my finger.

“
God, I missed you, too.” I buried
my face in her hair and breathed her in. It had only been a few
days, but it felt like forever since the last time we’d seen each
other.

“
Are you okay?” I asked as I used
my thumb to brush away a tear from her cheek.

“
I’ll be okay. You?”

“
I’ll make it. As long as I have
you, I’ll make it.”

I kissed her again. Her kisses were
so sweet and undemanding. I could almost forget what it had been
like to kiss anyone else.

“
How did you get here? Where’s
your dad?”

She peeked up at me. She looked so
guilty that I was almost afraid of her answer.

“
I took my dad’s car. He’s at the
church with Amanda’s family. I had to get out of there.”

I cupped her cheek and smiled. “You
shouldn’t have done that. I don’t want you to get in trouble,
baby.”

“
I needed to see you.”

There was no way she could
comprehend what her words did for me. I needed her just as badly,
and I was thrilled that she was with me, but still worried at the
same time. Thinking of consequences was new for me, but when it
came to Faith, it’s all I could think about.

Before she left, I introduced her
to my mom. Watching the two women that I loved as they hugged each
other and talked like they’d known each other forever did my heart
good.