Finding My Forever (17 page)

Watching Harrison and Katelyn gives me some kind of hope. He’s holding her, his arms are wrapped loosely around her shoulders. She leans against him, her hands hanging on to his arms. Her smile is so huge and her focus split between him and the kids playing in the surf. He kisses her repeatedly, and it shows me a side of Harrison I’ve never seen before.

“Ahem,” I clear my throat to get their attention. Harrison turns, inadvertently turning Katelyn with him. “Fancy seeing you here,” I say, waving.

“Hey man, grab a beer and join us. Quinn is teaching the twins to body surf.”

I open the fridge in Harrison’s state-of-the-art kitchen and grab a beer. I really don’t want to intrude on their family time and should probably leave after this.

“How’s Jenna?” Katelyn asks.

“She’s good, although I’m thinking I probably should’ve brought her with me.” It’s a lie though. I’m glad I didn’t bring her because I know for a fact that her reaction to Chelsea would be to file for a divorce.

Katelyn kisses Harrison and starts to walk away. He holds on to her until they can’t reach each other anymore. His eyes never leave her as he watches her walk over to the kids. When she’s out of earshot, I blurt out. “I’m in a shitload of fucking trouble. Or at least I think I am.”

He shakes his head and goes over to grab a beer. He sits next to me and takes a long swig. His eyes are still trained on his family.

“Why’d you get married, JD?”

“The baby’s mine.”

“No reason to get married. Are you regretting it?”

“No, I like Jenna and want the baby to have a family.”

Harrison finishes his beer and gets to get another. He brings one back for me and this time sits opposite me. “What’s going on?”

I shrug. “Like I said, I’m fucked.”

“How so?”

I lean back and rub my hands over my face. “Chelsea’s pregnant and she’s going to pin it on me. Everyone’s going to believe her because we have a history.”

Harrison looks back at his family. He waves and smiles. He has what I’m trying to give Jenna but I’m already failing miserably.

“Let’s go for a walk.”

I take off my shoes and socks and follow Harrison out onto the sand. It only takes a few moments for the kids to come running up to me. They’re wet and sandy, but I don’t care. The short time I spent with the twins was enough to earn me the title of uncle even if I was using them to pick up the birds by the pool. After saying hello, they run back to Katelyn, their laughter echoing along the beach. Anyone who walks past will know that this is a happy house, a house full of love. That’s what I want to give Jenna, I know I’m not going to even get close to what Harrison has because he and I aren’t cut from anywhere near the same cloth.

Harrison and I walk down the beach. The last time I was here we went surfing, but that’s the last thing I want to do today. Today I’m hoping he actually takes me out into the waves and drowns my pathetic self for fucking up the lives of everyone around me.

“So you’re married to a woman you hardly know who is pregnant, and your ex-fiancé is also pregnant.”

“I know Jenna very well,” I rebut.

“Oh yeah, what’s her favorite song?”

I roll my eyes and kick the sand in front of me.

“Did you tell Chelsea that you were getting married?”

“No. I didn’t know I was until I found out Jenna was pregnant and how many months she was. I whisked her to Bora Bora, proposed, got married and we had a honeymoon. It was great, perfect actually. Until I went back to being a complete numpty and came back. Now all I can think about is how happy I am that I didn’t bring her with me to LA”

“When did you and Chelsea get back together?”

I shake my head. “We haven’t. We shagged before I went back to Beaumont, but since I had that night with Jenna at Liam’s wedding; I’ve been thinking about Jenna non-stop. When I was with Chelsea everything seemed fake and forced. I wasn’t into it. I pushed her off me.”

“Damn man, that’s harsh.” Harrison laughs. I push him, but realise that he’s right, what I did
was
harsh. Apparently that hasn’t put her off, though, as she’s in my flat, making herself at home.

“I think the baby might be my dad’s.”

“Say what?” Harrison chokes on his beer.

“I saw them kissing and shit. I don’t know, mate. Would my dad do something like that?”

Harrison shakes his head. “I want to say no, but Chelsea might. I don’t know, man, the whole thing seems fucked up.”

“What am I going to do?”

We stop walking and stare out into the sea. “The way I see it, you can tell Jenna about Chelsea. She’ll understand. She’s a good person and if I know her, she’ll tell you to go and be with Chelsea.”

“I don’t want to be with Chelsea.”

“What do you want, JD?”

“My wife.”

“Then why the fuck are you standing on my beach? Go back to Beaumont and get her. We have a month before we leave on tour. Go spend time with her, cherish her. Fuck like rabbits if you have to, but just go to her.”

“When did you turn into a smart arse?”

Harrison laughs. “When I started plugging into Katelyn.”

I
told him what today is, what it meant to me. I thought, as my husband and the father of my child, he’d be here, but he’s not. Sitting by myself in a doctor’s office full of expectant women would be much easier if I was alone and single. I am, alone that is, in every sense of the word, except they all look at me briefly before turning away. It’s the pity party that I’ve wanted to avoid. They look at the ring on my finger then to the empty chairs on either side of me and shake their heads. Their husbands sit there without a care in the world, reading the most recent edition of
Sports Illustrated
. Their job is done. They fertilized the egg and make their mandatory monthly appearance just to keep their wives happy.

I want my husband to do the same thing. Or at least tell me he’s not going to be one of those dads that takes time out of their day to attend doctor’s appointments and that I shouldn’t have any wild expectations about what our marriage really is.

A sham.

A cover.

A publicity stunt.

I’m sure he is trying to avoid having his name spread all over the tabloids saying that he knocked up some random chick and didn’t do the right thing. It’s probably bad for his image and will mean the hook-ups will be non-existent for him now. I know I was random, but he married me. He made me feel special, wanted. He told me he wanted this baby and was in this for all the right reasons.

Then he left.

I don’t know what I expected, but it’s definitely not this: three days maybe, a week at the most, but two weeks? Two weeks to get your affairs in order? When I left Damien, it was quick. I didn’t haggle over my bills or anything like that. I didn’t even change my address, but Jimmy, I don’t even know what he’s doing. How long does it take to get one’s affairs in order?

Affairs. That’s the word that lingers in the back of my mind. Is that what he’s doing? Sowing his wild oats in LA because I’m not there? I try to clear my head of those thoughts, reminding myself that as much as he said we’d have a conventional marriage, it’s not happening. You don’t leave your newlywed wife at home while you gallivant back to your home state where the contents of your little black book reside.

The office door opens and for one brief second I allow my heart to beat a little faster thinking it’s Jimmy; that he’s here and isn’t going to miss this appointment. What I don’t account for is the instant let down when yet another pregnant woman and her husband walk in, hand in hand. I hate admitting it, but that’s what I want. It’s what I need and desire deep in my heart. I’ll never tell him though. I’ll never tell anyone my true feelings because those are left bottled up and buried deep in the sand. I can’t pressure him to be something he’s not. I knew this and yet I fooled myself enough to believe his words.

“Jenna Davis?”

I look up at the nurse standing in the doorway holding my file. She smiles, waiting for
Jenna Davis
to stand and make her presence known. I want to rewind the last twenty minutes of this day and not tell the receptionist that my name has changed.
Davis.
My child will be born with that last name and while that pleased me weeks ago, now I’m not so sure. I rise slowly and am met with looks from the other women. They judge me openly. We all do it whether we intend to or not. I’m the poor wife whose husband can’t be bothered – that’s what they’re thinking. They aren’t thinking that my husband is a doctor or even his true profession, a musician, and he can’t get away from work. No, they’re thinking I’m single and doing this on my own. They want to commend me but they don’t because that means they understand even though their husbands are sitting next to them. Some were probably willing, but I have no doubt there are a few here that were forced to take time off from their days to be at their wife’s side, as they should be.

I look at the office door one more time before making my way to the nurse. She smiles again when I pass her, the door shutting loudly behind us.

“This way,” she says in her
I’m so happy to be doing my job
voice. We step into a room and she shuts the door behind me. This is routine. I take a seat in the chair until I’m told to change into the thin piece of fabric that doctors call a gown.

“I see you recently married. Congratulations.” The corners of my mouth turn up in the fakest smile I’ve ever had to plaster on my face. She reaches for my arm, slipping the blue blood pressure cuff up my forearm. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine. I haven’t had morning sickness in a while.”

“And you’re sleeping okay?” she asks without eye contact. I know she’s in a hurry, she has a waiting room full of patients, but a little acknowledgement would be nice.

“I don’t have any problems sleeping.” It’s a bold-faced lie. Ever since Jimmy left and my run in with Damien I haven’t slept at all. Every sound, every little creak in the steps and my body tenses. I lie awake at night with my phone in my hand waiting for the front door to open and for Damien to appear. I leave all my lights on so that shadows don’t scare me. I could go back to Liam’s, but that’s admitting I’m scared or telling him that Damien was around and I’m not sure I’m willing to do that.

“Your husband won’t be joining you today?”

I shake my head and look up at the fluorescent lights, giving me an excuse to have watery eyes. I won’t cry, not in front of her and not over my missing husband. “He’s working,” I say as nonchalantly as possible.

“Stand on the scale please.”

I slip off my shoes and stand on the scale. I watch, in horror and delight, as the number increases. Gaining weight is a necessary evil. The higher number should make me feel happy, but it doesn’t because at the forefront of my mind are toothpick skinny women draping themselves all over my very willing husband.

“Did you drink your water?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, go ahead and lie back on the table, Jenna. The technician will be in first to do your ultrasound and then the doctor will be in. Be sure to tell the tech if you want to know the sex or not.”

The nurse is gone before I can say anything. I lie back on the white paper and let my legs dangle over the end. I jump when the door opens, followed by a young male technician. He smiles brightly when he sees me. I try not to stare, but I can’t help it. He’s tall, at least I think he is, with a gorgeous smile and a head full of curls; the kind that make you want to reach out and run your fingers through them. His eyes are bright blue, like something you’d only see in the daylight and if the sun was shining just right.

“I hear we’re looking at your baby today.”

I nod, my voice nowhere to be found. He pulls out the rest of the table, allowing my legs to lie flat. He sits in his stool and rolls over to me, pulling the ultrasound machine behind him. I glance at his nametag and shake my head slowly. His name is James and while that isn’t Jimmy’s name, it’s close enough.

“I’m going to lift your shirt and put on this gross and very cold goop on your skin.”

I shiver, not when he touches me, but when the blue blob hits my skin. I shiver when Jimmy touches me.

The technician puts the wand on my stomach and hits a few buttons. The room comes alive with the sound of the baby’s heartbeat. It sounds like there are a hundred horses galloping all around me.

“Now that we’ve heard the heartbeat, let’s see your baby.”

Before I know what’s happening the ultrasound machine is pushed into the technician and the wand is hanging from my leg.

“Whoa there buddy,” James says. I look over my shoulder to find Jimmy staring at me. The grin on his face tells me that he’s happy to be here, to see me, but it quickly morphs into something else; concern? He steps over to me and kisses me full on the lips.

“Sorry about that, mate. I’m Jimmy Davis.”

I look over at James. He’s staring at Jimmy with his mouth open. “I know who you are. It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m a huge fan.” They shake hands, completely ignoring me.

“Hi Sweet Lips,” he says, kissing me again.

“Hi.”

Jimmy moves so he’s on the other side of me and picks up my hand. He kisses my rings before locking his fingers with mine. If we were any place else I’d punch him in his junk, but I can’t really do that right now since I’m stuck and I want to know if my baby has ten fingers and toes.