Finding My Forever (20 page)

M
Y
wife is crying and it’s all my fault and my two best friends are shooting daggers at me as I walk down the corridor towards the bar. It’s not going to matter what I say to her or to them. I’ve fucked up and there’s no changing it. I’m as stupid as my mum was when she took my dad back. I don’t know how I’m going to fix this. If I knew I would not be in this situation in the first place.

I approach the bar with some trepidation. They have questions and will expect answers. If this was any other woman they probably wouldn’t care as much, but it’s Jenna. I crossed the line during the night of the wedding and if the condom had done what it was supposed to do and not split, then no one would even know.

Except one time wasn’t enough for me and while being a dad wasn’t something I was looking to be, I’m happy that she’s my wife.

I take the beer that Liam is offering me. He and Harrison are leaning against the bar and watching the crowd. It makes a change that we are the spectators watching the crowd instead of it being the other way around.

“You scared the shit out of Jenna,” I say, before taking a long swig of the beer. The cold amber liquid feels good as it slips down my throat and I quickly finish it. I can’t get drunk, not tonight, but I can hide the fucking bullshit loitering at the back of my mind. Harrison knows my secret, but I trust him not to say anything to Liam. If I’m being honest, I’m hoping that he’s forgotten and hasn’t told Katelyn either. I don’t want the little tidbit about Chelsea being pregnant to get back to Jenna before I have had a chance to say something to her first.

That’s if I have the balls to even sum up the courage to say anything to her. Right now, I don’t. I’d rather have my nuts twisted into a vice grip than explain about Chelsea being up the duff.

“I don’t know much about women, but I do know those tears were a culmination of a few things.”

“What does that mean, Liam?” I ask, taking another beer from the barman.

He puts his beer down and looks at me. “What the hell could take two weeks that you couldn’t do from here? You left her the second you came back from your honeymoon. Why didn’t you just take her with you?”

“It’s not as easy as that, and you know it.”

Liam knows it’s not simple. There’s a reason why he never took Josie home to LA Sam. Chelsea is my own personal Sam. If I took Jenna to Los Angeles I wouldn’t be standing here today. Jenna would’ve left me. She would’ve walked out of my life and never looked back and I can’t risk that happening.

“You can’t be messing around on her. She’s pregnant and not feeling sexy.”

I look at my friend and shake my head. “How do you know this crap?”

Harrison laughs, lifting his beer bottle to his mouth. “This is why Katelyn and I aren’t having any more kids. I can’t deal with the emo shit that comes with it.”

“She told Josie she’s fat.”

“She’s pregnant,” I say a little more loudly then I intend to. A few people I don’t know, who I’m assuming are friends with Liam turn and look at me. I tip my bottle at them and smile before looking back at him. “You’re turning into someone who’s pussy-whipped, Liam.”

Harrison sprays beer out of his mouth and starts coughing. Liam looks like I’ve kicked his dog.

I shrug. “All I’m saying is that you’ve been getting in touch with your feminine side lately and it’s starting to show.”

“That’s what happens when you’re in love.”

I see my bride scanning the room, and hope that she’s looking for me. When our eyes meet, her face lights up. I take a sip of my beer and put it down. “Yeah, I know what you mean,” I say before walking away from both of them.

Her smile becomes bigger, her eyes brighter, the closer I get. I know I fucked up, but I’m going to do whatever it takes to make sure she knows that she’s my number one priority. I can’t continue to mess up because I know if I do, she’ll leave. She’s already threatened divorce and I’ve hopefully talked her out of it, but if she says that word again I don’t know what I’ll do except to get down on my hands and knees and beg her not to leave me. I’ll do more than my father did, that’s for sure.

My dad has been gone for a month. My mum cries every night, but I don’t understand why. She kicked him out so why is she crying? I only talk to her when she asks me questions. I’m mad at her for telling my dad to go away. I’ve tried calling him, but he never answers. I don’t know when I’ll get to see him again, but I’m saving all my money so I can go and live with him. Maybe he’ll take me to America to live with my grandpa. He’s always saying that everything is better over there and that he only lives in England because of my mum. But we don’t need her anymore so my dad and me can just leave.

I climb the steps to my mum’s flat. I don’t call it home anymore, not since my dad left. I open the door and walk straight up the stairs that lead to my bedroom. I’ll hide there until dinner. I don’t want to watch the television with my mum.

“Jimmy.”

I freeze when I hear my dad’s voice. I turn and see him kneeling down with his arms open and waiting for me. I drop my backpack and run into his arms. I knew he’d come back for me. He loves me and promised he’d take me to football practice.

“I’m really happy you’re here.”

“Me too, Jimmy. I wanted to see you before I left.”

I step back. “What do you mean?”

“I’m going to the States for a while, but I’ll be back.”

“I’m coming with you,” I blurt out as I run towards the stairs.

“Jimmy?”

“Be right back, dad, I just have to get my case; it’s already packed.” I run up the stairs and push the door open. I run to my bed, fall to my knees and pull out my suitcase. I won’t miss anything in my room. My dad can buy me new things when we get to Grandpa’s.

When I go back downstairs there’s a girl sitting on my dad’s lap. She wasn’t there earlier, but I already know I don’t like her. She’s kissing his neck like I’ve seen Rebecca do to Peter’s older brother. Peter said his brother likes it and that it means the girl is ready to get busy. But I don’t know why she’s kissing my dad. Only my mum should be doing that. I don’t like this girl at all.

“I’m ready,” I say loudly. The girl turns and looks at me, but she doesn’t smile. She rolls her eyes and gets off my dad’s lap. If you ask me, she’s a little too big to be sitting there anyway. Even I don’t do that anymore.

“You said it would just be us,” the girl says. My dad moves her to one side and I see him touch her bum. I look at my dad with confusion. He closes his eyes and when he looks at me, he beckons me towards him.

“Jimmy, you can’t come with me.”

“Why not?” I won’t cry because I’m a tough boy.

“Because I need to get my place set up and get back into the studio. I can’t do that with you hanging around. I keep late nights and that’s not a good lifestyle for a little boy.”

“I’m not little.”

“Jimmy, come on bud. You need to stay with your mom and help her out.”

“NO! She’s making you leave. I’m coming with you.”

My dad stands and puts his hand on my shoulder. The girl comes up behind my dad and grabs his hand.

“Don’t touch my dad,” I say, pushing her hand away. I push her until she’s no longer standing next to us. “Tell her to go away.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not? You love mum, not her.”

“Jimmy, listen. I love your mom, but I love Tiffany, too. I’m going to marry Tiffany as soon as the divorce is final.”

“You can’t, dad. You love mum.”

“James, we’re going to miss the flight.”

My dad nods, as he listens to her. I hate her. My dad ruffles my hair. “See ya around. Be good to your mom.”

As soon as the door shuts I start banging on it, shouting for my dad. “Come back,” I say over and over again. I’m trying not to cry, but I can’t help it. I want my dad.

My mum pulls me into her arms. She holds me while I cry against the door. She doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t have to.

I pull my wife into my arms and look in to her eyes. From this moment onwards I’m going to be better. I never want to hear the word divorce come out of her mouth again. I link my hand with hers and pull her to the middle of the dance floor. I don’t know what song is playing, but from here on it will be ours. My arm moves around her waist and I pull her closer to me, holding our linked hands to our chests. We sway back and forth, dancing in front of our friends and family as husband and wife.

“I know I made you cry.”

Jenna shakes her head.

“I did, I know I did. I’m stupid. I’m a stupid guy who has made a life changing decision and I plan to follow through with everything I said on our wedding day. I promised you then and I promise you now, I’ll cherish you, I’ll protect you and I’ll be only yours. The only thing that can separate us is death and we’re going to live until we’re old and grey and our great-great grandchildren have to come and visit us in a nursing home.”

Jenna nods as I wipe away a tear. “You say the sweetest things.”

“You bring out the best in me, Sweet Lips. I just need you to be patient with me. I’m going to fuck up, but you have my permission to kick my arse when I do.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah, okay,” I say, kissing her. “Come on, I want to take you home and ravage your body. I’ve missed you.”

“I’m fat.”

I stop us from dancing and put my hands on her cheeks, forcing her to look at me. “You’re beautiful and sexy. So fucking sexy that I’ve got a hard-on just thinking about you. I’ve wanted you for so long before the wedding and when I finally had you, I needed more. I’d be here even if you weren’t pregnant. I don’t want to hear that you’re fat or not beautiful because you put all these other women to shame.”

I take her hand and lead her out of the room. I know this party is for us, but I’ve just got back and I need to be alone with my wife.

I
roll over and look at my sleeping husband. He kept me up late last night saying goodbye and memorizing every inch of my body and as much as I’d like to be sleeping right alongside him, the baby is running a marathon inside me right now. I could wake him and ask him to sing to our child, but I like watching him sleep. It’s a glorious sight with the sheet barely covering him, and I like being able to stare at his body freely. If I wanted I could trace the lines of his abs perfectly with my fingers and watch him wake from my touch.

I hate admitting it, but he’s been the model husband since he came back from Los Angeles and I love having him here. He’s been attentive, caring and doesn’t leave my side unless it’s for band practice. He’s leaving today, after being home for a month. Not back to LA but to go on tour. When he told me, I freaked. My body shook. I cried and shut myself in our room for hours until he couldn’t take it anymore. It’s the stupid pregnancy hormones, I know it is. I let my mind get the best of me and believe that he’s going to return to the old Jimmy and that this past month was nothing but a show. I know my mind is being irrational. He’s not going to leave me for a groupie, but it’s hard. I want to live in a bubble and pretend the outside world doesn’t exist. The irrational side of me needs to shut the hell up and enjoy the man next to me. He says he’s not cheating and I need to trust that, trust him.

This tour will be different and the first one where the wives aren’t going. The thought never crossed my mind about going with them, but Josie and Katelyn usually travel with the band. They’re staying back for my benefit. I told them I’d be fine, but they wouldn’t listen. With my parents gone and my third trimester looming, they felt it better that they stay with me. I’ll be moving into Josie’s house today until the guys get back. Not something I wanted to do, but my husband asked and even batted his damn eyelashes at me. Who am I to refuse?

My fingers have a mind of their own and follow the image engraved in my mind as they trace the ridges on his stomach. He stirs and mumbles something, but I don’t stop. I try not to laugh, biting my bottom lip to keep from giggling. Side to side my finger moves lightly touching his skin. His skin pebbles from my touch, encouraging me to keep at it.

His hand stills mine. I look at his face for any sign of displeasure but see none. He slides my hand under the sheet and onto his hard on. He moves my hand up and down a few times before letting go. I watch as the sheet moves from the motion. I push it aside so I can take in the glory that is my husband. I glance at him, his eyes are shut and his arms are resting behind his head. I know he’s awake by the sexy smirk spreading across his face.

I lean down and lick the valley between his abs. My tongue traces through the light path of hair leading to where I want to be. My lips replace my tongue. His fingers thread through my hair. If I look up, I’ll be done for. His eyes do me in each and every time. I know what he wants and have no problems giving it to him.