Finding My Forever (22 page)

Yvie promises she’ll meet us at the side door of the venue before the show so we can let her in. I hope she leaves the douche behind. I don’t want her night with us ruined by this arsehole.

I
love
being on stage. For me it’s like an orgasm building and waiting to be released. When the lights go off and the first note is hit, the sensation takes over my body. Tonight is no different. I’m bouncing on the balls of my feet, anticipation crackling in the atmosphere. The chants are loud, they want Liam and that has never bothered me. They can have him in all his glory and he’ll happily give it to them as long as he’s on stage. I look at the three of us standing side by side, and think about how we’ve changed in the past two years. All of us are parents, even if my little one isn’t here yet. I love her and can’t wait to hold her in my arms. Harrison’s a family man, doing the baseball and cheerleading camps and soccer practices in his mum mobile and Liam… our founder – he’s setting the bar so high that I’m afraid I’ll never achieve what he has, but I want it. He’s the example of what dreams are made of, how you can change your path, but still end up where you started.

We go out on stage, Harrison to his drums, Liam to the microphone with his guitar hanging on his hip and me to the keyboard. I take out my harmonica from my pocket and get it ready. Tonight, we’re starting with
Tobacco Sunset
the song I wrote. Lyrics, for me, are a struggle. It can take me months to write a song, but lately, I’ve been writing them once a week. But this one is special. I sing it to my Little One every day and I sang it to Jenna before I knew she was pregnant. Or maybe I did know. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t get her out of my head, or my system. Something was pulling me to her and whatever it was, whether our daughter or just life, I’m fucking grateful.

Liam steps up to the mic and the crowd roars. I smile, loving the vibrations they’re sending our way. I play a few keys on the keyboard to get them going and make them cheer louder.

“New York, how you doin’?”

Liam’s play on words are his version of Joey from
Friends
. Jenna and I have been watching the repeats lately. She says we’re Monica and Chandler, but I tell her there’s no way I’m going to be known as Bing. I called her my lobster. My sweet-lipped lobster who’s made just for me.

“4225 West is happy to be here tonight. And right now we’re going to start you off with a little something from JD. He’s been a busy man lately.” I look at the back of Liam and wonder what the fuck he’s talking about. When Harrison hits his drums,
ba-dum-tsh,
I know something’s up.

“Our little JD went and got himself all married and they’re having a baby and this song we’re about to play was written for his wife!” Liam yells into the microphone. The crowd erupts as anger and dread wash over me. It’s not that I didn’t want people to know, but I didn’t want Chelsea to know. I’m thousands of miles away, and will be for months, and there’s no fucking way I can stop her from finding out. Even though I have doubts that her child is mine, she’ll still go off the deep end if she’s convinced herself that her baby is mine.

I
press play and let the soft melody lull me to sleep. If it works for the baby, why can’t it work for me? A harmonica plays. He’s gone all out on this recording.

“Hello, Little One,” he says. I can’t help but smile at his words. He’s not taking any chances and is making sure the baby knows he’s talking to her. “I had to go away for a little while, but wanted you to have your song. Well, actually it’s your mum’s song, I just haven’t been able to tell her about it yet. I wrote this song right after your mum and I made you. It was such a perfect night and I knew right at that moment that your mum had stolen my heart. You are just the added bonus.”

Happy tears stream down my face. I reach for my phone, only to remember that he’s on stage and will be calling me in a couple hours. I can wait until then. It’ll be painful, but worth it. What I need to say to him – needs to be done face to face – it can’t be left on voicemail.

“Little One, I love your mum and want you to be very nice to her while I’m away. When I get home, it will almost be time for you to make your entrance and we can’t wait to meet you.”

Jimmy starts singing. It’s the song he sang when I was sick. He said, and I remember this clearly, that his mom used to sing it to him when he was sick. He lied, but I’ll forgive him, this one time.

After we set sail, there’s gonna be storms

Just don’t lose faith in me cause I’ll keep us on course

Remember this day, it’s written in the stars

We’re on our way to forever, girl, it’s not that far

I’ve never felt like this before

I see our ship comin’ from the shore

And that horizon in your eyes

Is like tobacco sunburst

Is this gonna last, I wanna know

I gave you the key to my heart and it was hard to let it go

I’m stingy. I can admit that. While I should have the headphones on my stomach so she can hear her daddy sing to her, I’m listening to them instead. I’ve had the song on repeat for the last few hours. When he left, he told me he loved me. I didn’t say it back. Not because I don’t love him, I do, but I thought it was a knee-jerk reaction to the emotional moment we were having. This song tells me otherwise.

For a while I’ve questioned why I married Jimmy. It wasn’t impulsive even though it seemed like it at the time. It definitely wasn’t his charm, that’s what got us into this situation to begin with. I married Jimmy because I wanted to. I wanted a new chapter in my life. One that isn’t filled with fear and constantly looking over my shoulder. I never thought I’d find someone to fill that void in my life, but I have. I know getting married because you’re pregnant isn’t the smartest thing to do and we may not last, but for now I’m going to love him as long as he’ll allow me to.

My phone rings from its resting spot – on top of my ever-growing stomach. I hit answer and sigh.

“Hello,” I say, dreamily.

“Hey, Sweet Lips, how are my girls? He’s turned on the charm and he’s not even here. Damn that man.

“We’re good. Just waiting for you to call. How was the show?”

“It was great. We had a good crowd. They were really getting into it. I need to tell you something though.”

I can’t imagine what he’s about to say. Did he go crazy and jump off the stage only to fall onto the floor because his fans didn’t catch him?

“What?” I choke out.

Jimmy sighs. I imagine him running his hand over his perfect face. His fingers rubbing his soulful brown eyes. “Liam… I’m sorry Jenna… Liam told everyone that I’m married and having a baby.”

“What?” I cry out in relief. My heart pounds and I swear if I open my mouth wide enough I’ll be able to expel it onto the floor. “That’s what you have to tell me?”

“Yeah, why what did you think I was going to say?”

“Not that,” I say almost too excitedly.

“Oh shit, Jenna, you thought I was going to tell you I fucked up, right? Seriously? After the vows we said to each other?”

“Jimmy,” I try to interrupt.

“We took those vows and I meant every fucking word of them.”

“Jimmy?”

“What?”

“I’m sorry,” I say, laughing. “Jimmy, I’m sorry. I love you and I just thought you were going to tell me that you crowd surfed, but only that the crowd didn’t catch you.”

“You love me?” his voice is tender, questioning.

I smile and nod, not realizing he can’t see me. “I should’ve told you before you left. I’m an idiot.”

“Well I won’t argue with you, but you’re my idiot and you’re fucking sexy and beautiful and I miss the crap out of you already.”

I start to laugh. My husband, the poet. “You have a way with words, Jimmy. Speaking of… I listened to the song.”

“Hey! That’s for the Little One. If you wanted a song you should’ve asked for one. Don’t deprive my child of me while I’m gone you evil wench.” Jimmy’s laughing so hard he snorts, causing me to snort as well. We make a great pair.

“Little One?”

“Yeah,” he says softly. “You’re my Sweet Lips and that’s my Little One. I can’t wait to meet our daughter, Jenna. I can’t wait to hold your hand and help bring her into the world.”

“Me too. I love her nickname.”

“Good because I’m going to use it a lot.” I love that the names he’s given us are unique and not common. I can see him saying Little One at the park and our little girl come running because she’ll know it’s her daddy calling her.

“Thank you,” I say when he’s calmed down. “Thank you for loving me and our baby.”

“You make me feel whole, Jenna. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

We talk until I’m yawning. He sings me to sleep, making me wish we had these moments inside the apartment and not on the phone. Jimmy being gone right now is the most unbearable thing I’ve had to deal with in a long time.

S
ATURDAYS
are busy at the shop. Josie has tried to make me take a leave of absence, but I told her she’d need to fire me if she didn’t want me around anymore. When I said that, she got tears in her eyes and shook her head. I’ve been with her for a long time now, I can’t imagine not working with her. I like to think of myself as one of the catalysts that got her and Liam back together. If I hadn’t shown her the flyer and encouraged her to go to Los Angeles who knows what would’ve happened?

I can tell you this: there wouldn’t be a Harrison and Katelyn, no Jenna and Jimmy and that is far too depressing to think about.

I’m a cliché, I’ve realized. I married into a rock band. First Josie, then Katelyn – even though she’s not married, she’s his wife – and now me. The writing was on the wall if you think about it. It was only a matter of time.

Katelyn and Aubrey are working today as well. Josie mans the flower shop while Katelyn is in the coffee shop. Aubrey and I move back and forth between the two, depending on which side is busier. The older patrons, the returning customers, have learned that they can get lunch and order their flowers all in one sitting. It’s an oddity, really, but it works.

In the corner, we have a young kid playing his guitar. Liam booked gigs before he left. He didn’t want Josie to have to worry about it and didn’t want the newly established music scene to think she wasn’t catering to everyone. This one is good, a little sweet on the eyes. He’ll go far I’m sure.

I walk to my next table with my order pad ready. “Hello, what can I get for you?”

The customer is hidden behind a newspaper, covering his or her features. I can’t really lean up on my tiptoes because that would be considered rude so I wait.

The newspaper ruffles and the customer – a man – speaks in a low, hoarse voice. “Coffee, black.”

Typical businessman. “Can I get you anything else?”

“No,” he says barely looking over his paper. His hat is covering most of features so I can’t see what he looks like. “Fucking fat,” he mutters. I bite the inside of my cheek to keep the slurs from escaping. Sexiest pig.

“Jenna?” I look over at Katelyn. “Jimmy’s on the phone. Says it’s urgent.”

I roll my eyes. He knows I’m working. I can’t imagine what would be so urgent. “I’m sorry, I’ll be right back after I find out what my husband wants,” I say in a snotty tone. That’s right, asshole, I’m married.

I pick up the phone and say hello.

He laughs. “Hi Sweet Lips. I missed your voice so I wanted to say hi.”

“I’m working, Jimmy. I just left a customer at table, although he called me fat.”

“Fuck that, you’re fucking sexy and I miss you.”

“I miss you too. Skype tonight?”

“I don’t know, wifey, will you take off your shirt for me so I can see your tits?”

“Incorrigible,” I say, knowing I’ll do whatever he asks of me.

“You love me?”

“You know I do and so does your Little One.”

“I miss you. I’ll call you later.” He hangs up before I can say goodbye. I don’t know what that call was about, but it’s enough to put a smile on my face. I walk back to my table with the asshole’s coffee, hoping he’s ready to order. Today might be the day that I actually spit in someone’s food.

“Sorry about that.”

“I’m sure you are.”

I roll my eyes and set down his coffee. I’m not going to take his shit. I don’t have to. If he’s not careful, I’ll have one of the kids will come wait on him just so I can see them piss him off.

‘If you need anything, let me know.”