Finding Peace (Finding Series Book 1) (46 page)

Kayla

When we arrive at my grandparent’s house there is a sadness in the air, it’s thick and I feel as if it is choking me. Getting out of the truck, I walk around to the front and Blake comes to stand beside me. I turn to face him.

“Blake, I can’t do this.” I say, shaking my head no. Tears are now burning the back of my eyes. It amazes me that my body can even produce any more tears at this point. “I can’t walk into that house. I just can’t. How do I walk into the home I grew up in, without her there, and knowing she is never coming back? Grandma is the only one that loved me no matter what. She was there for me every day and every night.  My angel here on earth, always kind, never judging me or anyone for that matter. A soul like hers is rare. She loved me just like I am, I didn’t need to change for her.”

Blake takes my hands in his and wipes away the tears that are now rolling down my cheeks.

“I know a pretty special soul myself and this one learned from the best. You are so much like her, you just don’t see it yet. She taught you how to be that caring person, nonjudging and forgiving. Elle gave you the best of her, her faith and her huge capacity to love with all of her heart. Your heart is so forgiving and caring because of the way she loved you. And now, you, in return, love that same way. That, is the rarest gift of all. She will always be with you. You will carry her in this incredible heart that you have.”

He places his hand over my heart.

“Elle will guide you every day of your life. You’ll hear her advice when you need it the most. She wouldn’t want you to be sad. Living her life to the fullest, she was ready to go home. The tears we shed for someone like Elle, someone who lived her life for God and her family, are tears of selfishness. We want them here with us, but God has decided it’s time for them to go home, their job here is done. She will always be your angel, Kayla, but now she will watch over you from Heaven.”

I’ve never heard anyone explain it so beautifully. If I didn’t know better, I would swear it was Grandma speaking to me. Tears are pouring down my cheeks and the ache in my chest is unbearable. Knowing that she kept things from me doesn’t change the undying love I have for her. She can’t be gone. This can’t be real.

Blake and I both look up when we hear a car pull in behind the truck. It’s my mom. She and I spoke on the phone this past week about the lies we were both told. She apologized for her part in keeping the truth from me. Explaining that at the time I was way too young to understand. Then, even when I got old enough to understand she wasn’t in a position to tell me because her life was still turned upside down. All the details still haven’t been explained to her, but she said she realizes that she is partly to blame for my dad’s infidelity. Personally, I think she is being too kind. Mama walks over and wraps her arms around me.

“Oh sweet, girl. It’s okay. Elle was a beautiful person who I loved. I don’t agree with what they did, but after all these years I understand that she was trying to help her only child. I know this is going to be hard for you.”

“Thank you, Mama.”

She looks past me at Blake, who is standing behind me.

“Oh, Mama, this is Blake. Blake, Mama.”

Blake extends his hand to her and she takes it and smiles at him.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. West.”

“Likewise, Blake. I hate that it has taken us so long to meet and that it is under such terrible circumstances.”

Mama releases his hand and looks back to me.

“I called the house and Lisa told me you were on your way here. I knew your dad would be here so I thought you could use some back up.” She then looks at Blake again. “No offense, Blake.”

Blake shakes his head no.

“None taken. Mrs. West.”

“Please call me Paige.”

“Mama, are you sure this is a good idea? I know you haven’t seen Dad in twelve years.”

“Kayla, I have to be honest. I’m not thrilled about the idea of seeing him again, but I know with Leo dealing with Elle’s death, he will not be much help to you, so I will be here for you regardless of my feelings toward your dad.”

What are her feelings toward my dad? I know that in the six years we were together as a family she loved him. They were always hugging and kissing, at least that’s what I remember. Well, until she found out that he cheated on her. That completely broke her.

“Mama, you don’t have to.”

“Yes, I do.”

“Ladies, it’s getting late and I’m sure Leo will be tired and ready to go to bed soon. Should we go in?” Blake asks us.

“Blake’s right, honey. We can’t wait any longer.”

Blake takes my hand as we walk toward the house. Mama walks on the other side of me with her hand on my back letting me know that she is there. With each step we take my chest gets tighter and the ache becomes more pronounced.
God, please help me, help us all get through this.

Blake knocks on the door. It opens slowly and there he stands, the last person I want to see tonight. He looks tired, his eyes are red and puffy from crying.

Looking at me first, he doesn’t say anything. Then shock takes over his face as he locks eyes with Mama. It’s obvious that he didn’t expect to see her. Feeling Mama tense, I take her hand.

“We’re here to see Grandpa.” I say looking at my Dad.

Dad shakes his head as if shaking himself from a trance

“Of course. Come in.”

He steps back to allow us through the door. Mama is glued to my side. She clearly doesn’t want to be left alone with my dad. This gives me a very suspicious feeling and makes me wonder why Frank didn’t make this trip with her.

Grandpa is sitting in Grandma’s rocker. He looks tired, but he smiles when he sees me. Going to him, I sit on the floor at his feet, lay my head on his knees, and cry yet again.

“Now. Now. Elle wouldn’t want us to cry and go on. She’s happy, Kayla, and in a far better place than we are.”

Grandpa strokes my hair and then pats my back.

“There, there now. No more tears. It’s good to see you, Paige. I’m glad you came.”

Mama leans down to hug him.

“I’m so sorry for, your loss, Leo. She was a good woman.”

“That she was.” Grandpa says.

We sit for a while reminiscing about all the wonderful memories we have of Grandma. We laugh at some of the things she used to do and say. It actually makes me feel a little better

Avoiding my Dad, I stay close to Blake, Mama, and Grandpa. Mama sits on my left side closest to Grandpa and Blake is on my right. Dad is seated across from us. Occasionally, I will look in his direction and catch him staring at Mama. It’s so strange to see them in the same room together after so many years.

“Look folks I’m exhausted and I need some rest. There’s a lot to get done tomorrow. Elle already made most of the arrangements, but there will still be some things that we’ll need to handle.”

“Grandpa, Blake and I will be over in the morning to help with anything you need us to.”

“No, you won’t. Your Grandma was very specific about this. She said if she left us and it was near your graduation or wedding that you were to go on with the celebration no matter what. And we will honor her wishes.”

“But…”

Grandpa interrupts me.

“No buts now. What has to be done your Dad and I can take care of it alone. Paige, can you come by in the morning? I have some things for you from Elle.”

Mama looks scared and white as a sheet.

“Uh. Sure. What time?” She asks hesitantly.

“Mama, I can come with you.”

“No, Kayla. Leo’s right. You enjoy your graduation day.”

“Paige, is ten o’clock in the morning, good for you?”

“That’s fine Leo. I’ll see you then.”

We all hug him goodbye, then make our way to the door. Dad is following us, why I’m not sure. We step out onto the porch and down the steps.

“Kayla, I probably won’t make it to your graduation. We have a lot to do tomorrow.”

He puts his hands in his jean pockets, looking down at his feet, then he slowly lifts his head.

“I want you to know I’m proud of you and I wish I could be there.”

Now is not the time to be mean or say anything that my Grandma would not approve of. I told her I would try so that’s a promise I will always do my best to keep.

“It’s okay. Grandpa needs you here. I’ll come by after graduation tomorrow.”

“Okay.” Dad says.

Blake, Mama, and I turn to walk to the cars.

“Paige.” My dad calls out.

Mama stops and turns back to face him. I see her swallow hard as she looks at him. They are just staring at each other for a minute. Dad gives her a weak smile.

“Thank you for coming. I know that meant a lot to Dad.”

“I never had an issue with your parents, Andrew. I’ve always loved them.”

“I know. Still, thank you.”

“Sure.”

She nods her head. We turn and leave together. Once at Blake’s truck, I hug Mama.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m good. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. You, young lady, don’t worry about anything tomorrow except graduating. I’ll be there to see you walk across that stage. I’ll see y’all tomorrow. Love you, baby.”

“Love you too, Mama.”

“Bye, Paige.” Blake says with a wave.

We get in the truck and I look back at the house. Dad is still standing there and Grandpa has joined him. Grandpa is patting him on the back and Dad looks as if his world is falling apart. I find it strange that Grandpa is consoling Dad.
Shouldn’t it be the other way around?

Paige

Not sleeping much last night, I’ve finally dragged myself out of bed. My trip was originally planned because of Kayla’s graduation. However after I arrived yesterday, I attempted to call Kayla to let her know I had made it to the hotel. Lisa answered and broke the news of Elle’s death to me. Knowing how hard Kayla was going to take this, I had to put my feelings aside and be there for her. I’ve already failed her at being her mother in the past.

After grabbing breakfast, I look at the clock on the wall. It’s almost time for me to leave for Leo’s. Feeling guilty about not telling Frank last night that I saw Andrew is killing me. Being honest with him has always been important to me. Frank knows everything about my past, how in love I was with Andrew and how I’m still not completely over him. Yes, I know that’s a little insane for him to be okay with this. He, of course, thinks it’s because I never got the closure I needed. Never seeing Andrew again was hard, but I couldn’t if I had any hope of holding on to my sanity, at the time. Although, I did completely lose it after the divorce was final, not even being able to care for the child I had come to love as my own. Every time I looked at Kayla, it ripped my heart apart more. Knowing then that the eyes, that I thought was just a coincidence that they looked so much like Andrew’s, became a glaring reminder that she was his biological daughter and she was the result of his infidelity. The biological daughter that I so desperately wanted to give him but couldn’t.

I’ve been praying all night that he won’t be at Leo’s when I get there. Seeing him yesterday was just too much. I’d never let Kayla know that, she has had too much to deal with in her life and I’m to blame for some of it. The least I can do is try to help her get through this with as little drama as possible, so that she can enjoy her graduation. As it is, it will always remind her of her Grandma’s death every time she remembers it. I don’t want there to be any more bad memories of this time.

Gathering my things I will need for later in case I can’t make it back to the hotel before time to leave for Kayla’s graduation. I leave my room and head for the car. Memories flood my mind as I make the drive to Leo and Elle’s house. Most all of them wonderful memories. My marriage to Andrew was wonderful for the most part. Being lost in my own grief and feelings of inadequacies, I couldn’t see that I was losing him as well as myself.

Pulling into the driveway, I’m relieved when I see that Andrew isn’t here. Knocking on the door, I hear Leo yell, “Come in!”

Upon entering the house the smells are so familiar to me. Coming here always felt safe and welcoming to me when Andrew and I were married.

“Paige, is that you?”

I laugh a little.

“You’ve gotten a little trusting in your old age, Leo. You never would have left your door unlocked years ago. And today things are so much worse.”

Closing the door behind me, I set out to find him.

“Where are you?”

“I’m in Elle’s room, hun.”

Taking in a deep breath, I let it out and head in the familiar direction. Stopping at Kayla’s room and peeking in, I smile at the things that are lying around. It looks as though they didn’t touch it, except to clean, after she moved out. Walking on down the hall, I stand in the open door way. Leo is going through a box that is sitting on Elle’s bed. He’s looking for something. He never looks up at me.