Finding Peace (Finding Series Book 1) (48 page)

“I think so. Mama, are you going back to the hotel or are you going to go with us to Grandpa’s?”

She purses her lips like she is trying to decide what to do.

“I think I should go back to the hotel and call Frank. I haven’t spoken to him today. Then I’ll come over after that. That way y’all don’t have to wait on me.”

“We don’t mind waiting.”

“No, really. Y’all go ahead. I’ll be there, I promise.”

Saying our goodbyes, we leave Mama sitting there with the Brooks’. Once at Grandpa’s, we see that Anne and Nick are already there. Dad is acting weirder than normal and he seems to be avoiding Anne which is strange since she has been away for a while. Of course, he was never a very loving man with her. She never seemed to mind though, but today she seems a little mad.

Grandpa goes over everything that will take place tomorrow night at the wake and Monday during the funeral. It all still seems so unreal that she is gone and it’s shocking to me that Grandpa is holding up so well. He keeps saying he knew it was coming and he knows she is waiting on him. Their faith has never faltered and I know without a doubt that is what is keeping him together now.

“Kayla, can I talk to you?” Dad comes up behind me.

“I don’t think this is a good time to do that, Dad.”

“You can’t keep putting this off. I never wanted you to find out, but now that you know. You need to hear all of it. Every detail.”

“And you’re going to tell me every detail of why you never wanted me to know that I was your biological daughter?”

“Yes. If you’ll sit down and listen. I’ll tell you everything.”

Blake comes over to me.

“Is everything okay? Y’all are getting a little loud.”

“We’re fine Blake.” Dad says without looking at him.

“Kayla?” Blake questions me.

“We’re fine, Blake. Dad and I are going to go out back and talk. Can you stay with Grandpa and make sure he eats for me?”

“I will. Do you want me to come outside with you, after I get your Grandpa’s food?”

“No. I think we need to do this alone. Dad, are you ready?”

He simply shakes his head yes. I kiss Blake and walk out to the back door with my Dad right behind me. My nerves are going haywire. I’m feeling a little nauseous. That wonderful dinner I just had may not stay down after all.
This is for you Grandma. Please, help me out here.

Walking over to the garden, I sit on Grandma’s glider. I slowly breathe in and out trying to control the overwhelming need to run back inside, grab Blake and leave. In and out, breathe, in and out. Dad is pacing in front of me, I’m sure he is trying to think of what to say.

“Okay, Dad. You’ve had eighteen years to think about this conversation. I think that’s long enough.”

“It’s not that easy, Kayla. I never wanted you to find out.”

“Great! Am I that horrible that the thought of me being your real daughter made you never want to tell me? I mean, seriously, Dad. Just tell me.”

I’m crying now, great. I’ve cried more in the past few weeks than I have in my life and for me, that’s saying a lot.

“It’s not that, Kayla. I’ve been proud of you since the day you were born. I’ve never loved anyone more. Paige wanted a baby and we tried for years. It never happened for us. We had some testing done and found out that Paige could never have children. She became depressed, distant, and even avoided me. I tried everything. It seemed like the harder I tried the worse it got. She blamed herself and I was young and didn’t know how to handle her rejection. We talked about adoption, but it was expensive and it took forever back then. She just gave up on everything. I loved her, Kayla, with everything in me. She was and is my soul mate.”

“I remember you two together. Even at six, I knew you loved each other, but what does any of this have to do with you not telling me the truth.”

“Please just listen. All of this is important for you to hear. I felt that she didn’t love me anymore and I just didn’t know what to do. The situation with Paige had been going on for about a year. I was lonely and I felt useless. I can’t even begin to explain to you how it felt to have the person that completes you, turn away from you. My heart was broken. Yes, she was there physically, but emotionally she was gone. She wouldn’t let me touch her. She wouldn’t even look at me anymore. I tried to get her to go to counseling, but she refused. One night, I went to a local bar with some buddies. I just needed to lose myself, to stop feeling so damn worthless.”

He has tears rolling down his face now. My dad is not a man that cries easily. I’ve only seen it one other time in person and that’s the day he left us.

“I drank too much. There was a young girl there. She came over and was flirting with all of us, but for some reason she was fixated on me. She was beautiful. You remind me so much of her. You might have my eyes, but you are her made over. One thing led to another that night. We ended up having sex. It wasn’t earth shattering and it was nothing special. It was sex plain and simple. I went home that night and felt terrible, I knew I had made a huge mistake. About three months later one of my buddies came to the house and told me that, that girl was looking for me. He told me that if I didn’t go see her, she said she was going to show up at my house. I couldn’t let that happen. I was very much still in love with Paige and never should have slept with her.”

“So it was a one night stand. You slept with her and then just walked away from her? Left her pregnant and alone?”

“No. I’d have never done that. I went to her and she told me she was pregnant. At first, I questioned was the baby mine. I finally accepted the fact that I was going to be a Dad and with a woman other than the love of my life. I knew I would lose Paige, but I knew I had to do the right thing. I went with Charlotte to all of her appointments. I was there for her every step of the way. I didn’t find out her age until later. That’s when I went to Mom and Dad for help. Having a child with a girl who was so young could cause me to lose my military career not to mention going to jail. She was in a bar, drinking, and dressed a lot older than she should have been. There was no way for me to know how old she was. She lied to me, Kayla.”

“Okay, so what happened after I was born?”

“Charlotte got attached to me. She had this fantasy of us being a family. I was honest with her from the beginning, telling her that I loved my wife and would never leave her. She threatened me. Saying she’d never let me see you if I didn’t leave Paige. I didn’t know what to do. She was so young. She didn’t know what she was asking. I tried to get her to sign her rights over to me, but she wouldn’t hear of it. The lawyer that Mom and Dad knew even talked to her. We offered to pay for her education and give her a monthly allowance. Nothing worked.”

This story is nothing like I thought it would be. He’s pacing again and running his hands through his hair.

“Paige was getting worse. I was lying to her every day. My life was in shambles. Trying to keep Charlotte calm and healthy, while trying with everything I had to pull Paige out of the depression she was in. We used a buddy of mine as a go between. He’d let me know when Charlotte needed me. So I was there when you were born.”

“I fell in love with you the first time I laid eyes on you. You were so perfect and so tiny. You were born six weeks early. I was so scared and Charlotte lost it, making unrealistic demands. I stayed with her in the hospital for a few days, telling Paige I was on a mission. Mom went and stayed with Paige because at this point things were so bad I never wanted her to be alone. After y’all were released from the hospital, I set you up in an apartment, made sure you had everything you needed. I came and checked on you often. Charlotte was by then showing signs of depression, trust me, I recognized them by then. I told her to go to the doctor and get something for it. She insisted that she was fine, said it was just the baby blues. I believed her.”

He’s shaking his head now.

“Why the hell did I believe her?” He is looking up at the sky not really talking to me now. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything. I made one mistake after another, and I didn’t know how to fix any of it.”

“Dad, you obviously had too much to deal with. Why didn’t you just come clean with Mama? Wouldn’t it have just been easier to ask for forgiveness?”

He looks at me and the look on his face breaks my heart. He is a broken man. A man that has made mistakes that he wishes he could undo.

“It would have killed her if I had told her then. When you were a month old, I had a mission to go on. Charlotte was not happy, she was still under the delusion that we were going to be together. But before I left I made it clear to her that we would never be together. I left, but wasn’t gone more than a few days, it was an in and out rescue. When I got back my buddy called and said he had to see me. I met him at the bar and he told me that Charlotte had taken an overdose of pills and had died.”

“I don’t understand. I was always told she gave me up for adoption when I was born and then died not long after.” My voice breaks as I speak. She never gave me up for adoption. She wanted me but then, killed herself after I was born.

“I didn’t want you to know that part either. Not when you were too young to understand. The lawyer found you in an orphanage and brought you to me. Mom came up with the idea of the adoption. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get Paige to agree, but I knew I didn’t have a choice. I was going to raise you with or without her. I brought you home and told Paige that your mother had died. She grabbed you and never let you go. We finally had the perfect family. It took me a long time to let the guilt of Charlotte taking her life go. Later I found out that she had a history of mental illness. I should have known that, should have checked.”

“Why didn’t you just explain all of this to me? I think I would have understood. We all could have avoided so much pain, Dad.”

“And what Kayla!? What should I have said? I’m sorry, honey, Daddy screwed up. I let your mother kill herself and then lied to the only mother you ever knew and destroyed our family anyway?”

I jump because his shouting startles me.

“Then when you got older and Mom told me about your panic attacks and your bouts of depression that scared me to death. I couldn’t and wouldn’t risk losing you the same way! The way I saw it was, that what was best for you, was to continue to live with your grandparents because everything I touched crumbled. I was broken, Kayla, and I still am. Don’t you understand? I loved you too damn much to ruin you like I did everything else. And I couldn’t risk you having the same fate as Charlotte.”

“Dad, I’m not that weak. In fact, I’m pretty damn strong now.”

I get up and walk over to him. “Maybe, just maybe, I got some of that from you.”

He pulls me into a bear hug. His body shakes as does mine.
Thank you, Grandma. I’m pretty sure, you pulled a few strings in Heaven, to help me get my Dad back. I love you.

“You are stronger. You’ve become an amazing woman and I’m so proud of you. Please forgive me for all of my screw-ups.”

Another thing is bothering me about all of this and although I love my grandparents dearly it’s always bothered me to think that they could do something like that do my dad.

“So, Grandpa and Grandma, never tricked you into signing me over to them, did they?”

“No, where would you get an idea like that?”

“I don’t know. It’s what I remember. Maybe I misunderstood something that I over heard, when I was little.”

“No, I signed you over to them. I thought I was doing the right thing.”

“I wish you had told me Dad, but I do understand why you didn’t. Can you tell me about her one day?”

“Anything you want to know. I don’t know much. I don’t even know if she had any family.”

We cling to each other and my heart finally feels like all the broken pieces are finally being glued back together.

“I love you, Kayla Rose.”

“I love you too, Dad.”

Hearing a noise Dad and I turn to see Mama standing in the doorway crying.

“Paige.” Dad whispers.

“I didn’t mean to interrupt. I… I just wanted… to make sure Kayla was okay. I’m going to go now. I’m glad you two were able to patch things up. Elle would be really happy about that.”

“Mama, wait!”

“I’m fine, Kayla.”

Dad runs over to her and grabs her arms.

“Did you hear all of that?”

She shakes her head yes.

“I’m sorry, Paige. I wanted to talk to you about it alone.”

“It’s fine. I’m going to leave for Florida in the morning. Kayla has you and y’all will be fine.”

“Don’t go, Paige. Don’t run.”

“Andrew!” Anne calls out and then shows up behind Mama.

Mama walks over and hugs me.

“I love you, baby. Take care of your Dad and your Grandpa. I’m so happy that your dad finally made things right with you.”

“You still love him, don’t you?” I whisper.

“It doesn’t matter, baby. I’ll call you when I get home.”

She kisses me, turns and walks right past Dad who is staring at her as she leaves, Anne is intently watching the whole scene. My heart aches for all of them. My Grandma’s words come back to me.