First Light (7 page)

He led me to a nearby bench and told me to sit as he went to the McDonald’s on the opposite side of the road. He returned with a bottle of water.

‘Drink this,’ he said coldly.

I took it from his hand, half temped to throw it back at him. But I unscrewed the lid and gulped it back. When the bottle was practically drained I turned to face him. As usual, he was dressed in dark clothing, with a round-necked sweater that seemed to cling tightly to the muscles beneath. I swallowed the last of the water and tried to focus on what he’d just done, instead of how good he looked.

Mae’s ringtone broke the silence. Flushing, I located my phone in my purse and held it to my ear.

‘Er, what the hell?’ Mae yelled over the music inside.

I cringed. ‘I’ll explain later, okay?’

‘Are you okay? I can get the bouncers–’

‘No! I’m fine, honestly.’ I looked at Kalen, who was leaning his elbows on his knees and staring at the ground.

‘I’ll call you later, okay?’

‘Do not go home with that guy, Ronnie, are you crazy?’

‘I won’t. Speak later.’ I ended the call and stared at Kalen. ‘Why did you do that? Why are you here?’

‘I could ask you the same questions. I won’t be around every time you wallow in self-pity, you know.’ He leaned back on the bench and stared straight ahead. Some people tumbled out of the club and their laughter carried over to us.

‘I mean, why are you following me around?’

His eyes narrowed. ‘Don’t flatter yourself. This dive is the only place to go in this ridiculous town, right? It’s not that big a coincidence.’

‘So what, you were just out?’

‘Something like that,’ he said acidly.

‘
Maybe you’re my guardian angel.’ I ventured.

‘Guardian angel?’ he snorted. ‘And she asks me if I’m mental! No, you couldn’t be more wrong. I am most definitely not your guardian angel.’

‘But maybe you are and you don’t even realise it.’

He looked indifferent once more. Just when I thought the conversation had ended, the way they often seemed to do with him, he sighed and spoke again. ‘I saw you dancing and people crowding around you. I left you to it at first, but then I saw what you were about to do. Kind of irresponsible, don’t you think?’

It was my turn to scowl. ‘I’m allowed to be irresponsible. I’m tired of being dull and responsible all the time. Anyway, everyone else does it!’

‘Everyone else,’ he said with disdain, ‘are sheep.’

‘You’re not a people person are you?’

‘Depends on the people.’

‘Well, you don’t know me and I can do whatever the hell I like now–’

‘Now that your father’s dead?’

The bluntness of his response was brutal, but I’m certain he wanted to shock me. I sucked in a breath, a painful lump in my throat. I wasn’t sure how to respond.

He said more gently, ‘I’ll drive you home.’

‘I can’t get in a car with you, you’ve been drinking,’ I muttered.

‘I don’t drink.’

‘You don’t drink? I don’t know anyone who doesn’t drink.’

‘You do now.’

9 – Admitting Defeat

I was shocked when he opened the door to a black Audi.
It didn’t seem like a car for anyone our age, but really, I didn’t even know how old he was. It all seemed rather insignificant anyway, when he pulled away from the kerb.

To say he drove fast didn’t do the word justice. I found myself clutching the door as if it might give me some protection if we veered off the road. I wanted to tell him to slow down, but instead I bit my lip and stared out the window at the dark landscape flying past us at what felt like light-speed.

When we arrived in front of my house, I let out a breath I hadn’t realised I’d been holding. He came around to my side of the car and helped me out.

‘How are you feeling now?’ he asked me when we were at the porch.

‘Fine.’ I wobbled.

‘You don’t seem fine,’ he spoke from behind me as I unlocked the front door. He was so close his breath on the back of my neck sent shivers down my spine.

‘I guess I’d be better if I wasn’t standing in front of you with vomit in my hair,’ I mumbled.

‘
I hardly notice,’ he said lightly, but I could hear a smile in his voice. ‘Sleep well, Red, I’ll come check on you tomorrow.’

‘Aren’t you going to come in?’ I blurted, spinning to face him before I could stop myself.

He hesitated and looked back at me over his shoulder. ‘I’m not sure that’s a good idea.’

I shrugged, but my disappointment must have been obvious, because a slow smile spread across his face. The effect of it had not diminished; I was momentarily overwhelmed.

‘Come to think of it,’ he added, with a voice like liquid gold, ‘I should probably check everything’s okay in your house before I leave.’

He leaned against the doorframe and ushered me in ahead of him, his grin never leaving his face. My stomach fluttered.

‘Are you hungry?’ he asked, following me inside.

‘It’s after midnight.’

‘That wasn’t my question.’

Hearing his confusion, I laughed. I was hungry and I guess the time made no difference. I turned and stared at him for longer than was appropriate. With such a large frame and a sharp jaw line, his whole being screamed, man – yet when he smiled, a boy shone through.

‘
I’ll make something to eat after I’ve showered. I’m not sure my hands should be touching food after hugging a toilet bowl.’ I fled upstairs, desperate to look in a mirror. The sight was worse than I imagined: my hair was a matted bird’s nest and my mascara had smudged under my eyes. Cursing, I jumped under the stream of prickling hot water until my skin felt numb.

When I was done, I rubbed scented moisturiser all over me and rough-dried my hair, pulling out the knots with my fingers until it ran smooth.

As I pulled on a pair of boyfriend jeans and the only fitted sweater I owned, my phone beeped. It was a message from Mae.

WTF?!! Are you home or what?

Tempting as it was not to respond, the last thing I wanted was for her to think something bad had happened and call the police.

Yes, all gd. Will explain 2mw x

I threw my phone on the bed and headed downstairs. He was in the kitchen when I got there, leaning lazily against the counter, his blue eyes taking me in. I quickly glanced away, heading to the fridge as a distraction and hoping there would be something in there to eat. I scanned the expected emptiness and when I looked up he was next to me, surveying the contents as well. Our faces were so close they almost touched. If I lent in just an inch, I could’ve kissed him.

‘Minimalist?’ his smooth voice sliced through the tension in the air between us.

‘Yeah, sorry. I can make you a cheese sandwich if you like?’ I flushed and stood up straight, unsure what was happening between us. Every nerve in my body seemed electrified when he was around.

‘Sounds great,’ he said gently.

I took out the butter and cheese, grabbed a loaf and a kitchen knife and set to work. I was acutely aware of his eyes on me. Sweat trickled down my back, my palms too and as I cut the cheese, the knife slipped clumsily from my grasp. It clattered on the worktop then tumbled towards the floor and in the split second it took to fall, I stared at my bare toes, my brain accepting I might lose a few. But the pain never connected. Kalen was placing the knife on the counter and moving away before I even had a chance to yell.

I laughed nervously. ‘Quick reflexes.’

‘Perhaps I should make the sandwich?’ He asked with a half smile.

‘I can do it, thanks. It’s you, making me nervous. Quit staring at me!’

‘I make you nervous?’ he asked, taking a step closer.

‘I wish you wouldn’t sound so pleased about it.’

‘Fine,’ he chuckled, ‘I’ll wait in the living room, but seriously, go for a smaller knife.’

I turned back to my half-made sandwich, unable to contain my smile, when I felt his hands encircle my waist. I jumped, sucking in a breath. My heart rate accelerated as I wondered what to do next.

Slowly, he turned me to face him, looking at me in so intensely that I trembled. His dark eyes held mine as he slipped his hands under the hem of my jumper, resting his thumbs on the waistband of my jeans. A flourish of goose bumps ignited on my skin. I closed my eyes in an attempt to calm my racing heart.

‘Better,’ he whispered, his lips hovering next to my ear.

‘What’s better?’ I asked, my voice breathier than I’d wanted.

‘You, without make up, just how you are right now.’ His lips grazed my cheek and found my lips. An intense rush flooded through me, so I had to concentrate not to lose my footing. This wasn’t right: I barely knew him and he was in my house... in the middle of the night. A clamp of fear tightened around my stomach, but I relished the sensation – any feeling other than the numbness I’d been living with over the past few months. I pushed my body against his. In turn he maneuvered me back against the kitchen cabinet, taking my waist in his hands and lifting me so I was sitting on the worktop.

I reached my arms around his neck as his mouth pressed fiercely onto mine. My lips tingled in response. It was rough... intense. It was everything I needed right then and there. As if a light switch had been flipped off, however, Kalen turned to stone in my arms. After a moment’s pause, he stepped away and I found myself asking him timidly if he was okay. At least I must have done, because he answered the question I thought was in my head.

‘Sorry,’ he breathed, looking disappointed with himself in some way. ‘I shouldn’t have done that.’

I hopped off the counter and turned from him, taking up the knife and slicing furiously through the cheese. I didn’t know if I was angry or embarrassed. Did he like me or was this all a game? Too many questions on the tip of my tongue, all serving to hurt the pride I hadn’t been aware I had.

‘Ronnie?’ his voice was tepid behind me.

‘Yep?’

‘Are
you
okay?’

‘I’m fine.’

‘Look at me, please.’

‘No.’

Oh my god, no – tears! I looked up towards the ceiling and blinked to fight them back. There was no way I wanted to cry in front of this boy, but one lone tear escaped and trickled its way down my cheek, falling onto the bread I had haphazardly sliced. As I watched it fall – almost in slow motion – I knew immediately that one tear was one too many. More followed, faster than I could wipe them away.

He spun me to face him and touched one of my wet cheeks with his thumb. He closed his eyes, his mouth pressing into a tight line of frustration.

Looking at me once more, he took my arms in his hands. ‘Ronnie. I don’t want to hurt you.’

‘Then let go of me.’

His hands fell to his sides and he stepped back. ‘I didn’t mean like that. Sorry.’

I let myself slide down the cabinet until I was sitting on the floor with my knees up to my chest. I dropped my head in my hands.

‘You miss your father,’ he stated from above me. ‘It was terrible timing of me,’ he struggled. ‘I don’t know why I even care, but I would be taking advantage and I don’t want to do that with
you
. That’s all I meant. Of course I would love to… I think you understand this better than you make out.’

I stared at the black hole I’d created under my canopy of hair and realised just how right he was – about one thing at least: I missed my father so much. I’d been trying to live with distractions for the past two weeks, not allowing myself to pause, but in reality, I missed him so much, no amount of pretending was going to make the hurt go away. A pain swelled like a fist inside my chest at the realisation and came out in a single pitiful sob.