Gazelle (30 page)

              He leans back and sees her at last, in awe that it has escaped him so long.  She blends into the scene; men and women in expensive clothes, lit softly by the luminance of candles.  Their faces wear the same exact coy, clever smile, placed in proportion to one another, to the room, to the food that evaporates before they taste it.  Clever and clean, he sees himself sitting on the rusty lawn furniture watching these beings, trying to place them beneath Christmas lights and laughing children, barking dogs and tubs of beer.

“
Wha
t’
s the matter
?
” she asks, watching his face vanish and stare at her in utter confusion.

“
Nothing
,
” he says, regaining himself
.“I’
m just-I told you already.  Things are just a little out of whack right now
.
”
              She bites her lip and widens her eyes, much to his annoyance.  Yet he flashes her a reassuring smile and grabs her hand.  She accepts the gesture, whether she believes it or not.
 “
I think maybe you need to have a little fun
.
”

“
What kind of fun
?
”
“
Ther
e’
s a party tonight.  I think we need to go
.
”
“
O
h…
not tonight.  I have a meeting tomorrow morning with Nathan and Mike
,
” he says, sipping his water.

“
Oh, no, please?  Just for a little while.  Le
t’
s go for a little bit and I promise, if i
t’
s no fun, we can go home.  Please
?
”

              He knows if he refuses, he risks a possible confrontation and is too exhausted to do so.  He smiles and nods.
 “
Just a little while
.
”
 

              The music thuds against their bodies, grinding and twisting against one another. Strobe lights streak thin, blue lines across their faces twisted in concentration and ecstasy.  Their brightly colored clothes swirl about their bodies in a continuous, rhythmic locomotion.  Young, hip, Hollywood hellions, drinking and smoking, snorting and popping, the heavy cloud of cannabis and cigarettes swallows them up and tosses them into one another on the shore of blissful detachment. 

              Julian pushes through the crowd, annoyed and exhausted.  It has been an hour since he has lost sight of Sharleen.  People swarm about him; friends and acquaintances, total strangers who think they are either.  He has long since lost his polite smile and desire to speak.

“
Dylan
!
” he yells.  Dylan looks up and beckons him over.
 “
Dylan, have you seen Sharleen
?
”
“
Did you try this
?
” he asks, holding a smoldering shot glass up to Julian.
 “
Dude, you have to try this!  I
t’
s fucking crazy!  I
t’
s like if an Almond Joy and Coke fucked, and then spludged into a shot of Jager
!
”
“
It sounds disgusting
,
” Julian says, pushing it away.

              Dylan laughs and slams it, scooping another.
 “
Try it, man! Do
n’
t be that way
.
”
“
No way. 
I’
m not going to drink that.  You have
n’
t seen Sharleen
?
”
“
She went out back when you started talking to that DJ
.
”

“
Out back where?  Which way
?
”
“
Past the-that way
,
” he nods and points towards the pool.

              Julian moves through the crowded patio.  There are white lights in long loops around the palm trees lining the long swimming pool where people mingle in tighter, more intimate groups.  He spots Sharleen, her sequined tight, green tube dress clinging to her thin, agile frame, reflecting the lights from the pool like a glittering mermaid.  She tilts her head, her hair in her eyes, and wears a drunken smile, talking to a striking man and another equally gorgeous woman.  He saunters to them, his hands in his jeans.

“
Hi, honey
!
” she cries, wrapping her arms around him and letting him scoop her until she is steady.
 “
I wondered where you went!  This is my friend Brianna and Kyle.  Remember Kyle
?
”
              He takes Kyl
e’
s hand and studies him.  His blue eyes and black hair, dark eyebrows and square jaw; Kyle is familiar, but he cannot place him.
 “
U
h…
no, sorry.  Have we met
?
”
“
No
,
” Kyle smiles brilliantly
,“
not in the slightest
.
”
“
Honey!  He was i
n‘
Darkest Day
s
’ with me!  H
e’
s my co-star!  Kyle!  Kyle Thompson
?
”
“
Oh, yeah! 
I’
m sorry, man.  I totally blanked.  Of cours
e…
you were great in that
,
” Julian says.

“
H
e’
s lying.  He hates my movies
,
” Sharleensays, shaking her head.
 “
Do
n’
t you, honey
?
”
“
No, tha
t’
s not true
,
” Julian lies.

“
No, it is true.  He did
n’
t like it.  He does
n’
t like to watch movies.  He watche
s‘
films
.
’”

“
I do
n’
t just watch-I love movies, I loved
your
movie, are you kidding
?
”
              She frowns and wraps her arms around his neck, staring up at him dreamily.
 “
Really
?
”
“
Yes, really.  Of course
.
”
“
Oka
y…
tell Kyle what my characte
r’
s name was i
n‘
Darkest Days
.
’”

              He smiles a long time, staring down at his drunken girlfriend.  He looks up at Brianna and Kyle, Kyle arching his brows in sympathy, then back down at Sharleenwho has lost all traces of humor and is staring very seriously at him.
 “
Kelly
.
”
“
Ha-HA
!
” She laughs, kissing his cheek.
 “
Lucky guess!  Tell Kyle about your Nathan Time movie.  Tell them all
,
” she says, gesturing to the party
,“
tell them all about it
.
”
“
I heard you were doing the latest Time film.  Congrats, man, that gu
y’
s a real genius
,
” Kyle says.

“
Yea
h…
i
t’
s pretty exciting. We start production week after next
.
”
“
Right before Christmas
?
” Brianna asks.
 “
Tha
t’
s weird
.
”
“
I kno
w…
he wanted to capture something.  W
e’
re all missing the holidays, all of us.  I
t’
s part of the theory behind of presence of an absence.  H
e’
s trying to actualize it in our characters with missing monumental family events like Christmas and New Yea
r’
s
.
”
“
Here we go again
,
” Sharleen sighs. 

“
Sh
e’
s sick of hearing it
,
” Julian says, kissing her forehead.
 “
I do
n’
t blame her
.
”
“
Wha
t’
s a presence of an absence
?
”
 
Kyle asks, ignoring Sharlee
n’
s obvious disapproval.

“
O
h…
i
t’
s-a little complicated.  I
t’
s-the idea that we move through certain situations fully aware that ther
e’
s something or someone missing from it, but never acknowledging it.  And our lives just form around that absence, substituting for it, never really addressing it or understanding, until all we can do is perform, or act out how we think we should be, because we ca
n’
t be ourselves without knowing what that absence is
.
”

“
Why
?
” Brianna asks.

“
Wel
l…
because the absence is a part of us, too.  S
o
…”
“
So if we do
n’
t know what is absent, we ca
n’
t know ourselves, blah, blah, blah
,
” Sharleensays.
 “
Next subject
.
”

              Julian laughs and squeezes her into his arms
.“I’
m sorry, honey.  Are you ready to go? 
I’
m beat
.
”
“
Noooo!  Nonono!!  Kyle says-tell him, Kyle
,
” Sharleen protests, pushing herself out of his arms.  He reaches forward and casually draws her back into him.

“
Ther
e’
s another party in Los Feliz.  More low-key, quieter.  Some produce
r’
s house.  You should come
,
” Kyle says.

“
Oh, no, man,
I’
m too tired.  I have an important meeting tomorrow morning anyways.  Maybe another time
.
”
“
I want to go
!
” Sharleenpouts.
 “
Do you care if I go
?
”
“
Really
?
” Julian asks, suddenly feeling relieved.
 “
Sure, go if you want
.
”
              She turns her head up and back,her eyes squint up at him and her lips purse as she scrutinizes him.
 “
Maybe I
wo
n’
t
go
.
”
              He grins and looks at Kyle and Brianna who laugh nervously.
 “
Do
n’
t go, then.  Come home with me
.
”
“
No!  I want to go.  Julian lives in Los Feliz, you guys can drop me off after, right
?
” she says, suddenly forgetting her doubt.

“
Sure, no problem.  Are you sure you do
n’
t want to go, Julian
?
” Brianna asks, her eyes flashing over him.

              He smiles bashfully, holding Sharleenagainst him and kissing the top of her head as she giggles and wraps her arms upwards around his neck.
 “
N
o…
have fun, though.  Take care of her
.
”
 

“
Thanks for the ride home
,
” Alice yawns.

              Anthony nods quietly, his deep brow dipped over his eyes.  He speeds along the freeway, weaving in and out of traffic.  Alice unpins her hair and shakes it loose all around her in a rich pile of curls.  She sighs a slow, lazy sigh and closes her eyes.