Gravity (Free Falling) (27 page)

             
There was another long pause.  “I know last night was strange – even for Leila.  I wanted to make sure you’re not having second thoughts or anything?”  He blurted.

I laughed a little to myself.  “Are you crazy? 
Because of
Leila
?  She’s gonna have to come harder than that to push
me
away.”  My mind was set at ease to know that this was all that was bothering him.

His laugh was still tense, but I could tell that I’d reassured him some.
 

             
“AJ, I love you and I’m not going anywhere.  Trust me.”

             
“Good,” he breathed. “Because I’d have to stalk you and that’s not a good look for me,” he joked.

Chapter Ten

Thursday morning I awoke with Antonio on my mind again.  When I walked into the school I found myself becoming nervous as I thought of how it would make him feel if he saw AJ and me together again. 
Would he overreact like last week?
  My stomach churned.  As I rounded the corner, my heart stopped beating for a fraction of a second.  Antonio and I stood face to face.   He didn’t speak, only stared, giving me a chance to assess his mood.  To my relief, he didn’t seem angry……only hurt.  I could see in his eyes that he missed me.  In that instant, I wanted to reach out to him.  His eyes shifted upward and focused over my head.  Curiosity caused me to turn around to see what caught his attention.  It was AJ standing, staring in the middle of the hall.  When I turned back around, Antonio was gone and I had to close my eyes while I got myself together before going to AJ.  I walked to him slowly.  His expression was softer now that Antonio was out of sight.  Things didn’t have to be this way, but I didn’t know how to change it. 

The
Leila issue was still troubling me when lunch came around, and now there was Antonio.  I sulked down to the cafeteria and observed him sitting at my old table as he stared at the wall.  AJ was already seated next to Karl.  I couldn’t move my feet.  If Antonio saw that I was now sitting with my
new
boyfriend and my
new
friends at their table he’d be hurt.  And if I decided to sit alone, AJ would assume that it was because I didn’t want Antonio to see and then
he’d
be hurt. 

I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.  As I stood there deliberating, my choice was clear. 
If I was going to continue to make this work with AJ, then I’d have to live in the present and leave the past behind no matter how hard that transition would be for me…..or Antonio.  I walked toward AJ.  It felt like I had on concrete shoes and I breathed unevenly as I sat beside him.  I didn’t look back at Antonio…..I
couldn’t
.  That would be more than I could stand.  AJ looked at me curiously.  “Everything alright?”  He asked.

             
“I’m fine,” I said as convincingly as I could and then stared straight ahead.  From the corner of my eye I could see Antonio leaving the cafeteria with his head down.  Brian and Terrence followed close behind him.  I fought against my own emotions, closed my eyes and breathed deep. 

Caught up in thoughts of Antonio
, I hadn’t even noticed that Leila wasn’t at our table.  I leaned in toward Deanna.  “Is she here today?”  I whispered.

             
“She wasn’t in my second hour, so I guess not,” she replied.  I didn’t know what to make of her absence, but with her gone that was one issue out of the way. 

After school
, I nearly hyperventilated when I was finally alone.  It felt like I’d held my breath all day.  The air burned my lungs as I panted and put my head down on the steering wheel.  I fumbled with my keys and started the car.  My drive home was a blur, but I’d driven the path so much that it I made it there easily.  I ran up to my room and lay across my bed, praying for sleep that seemed afar off.  I felt like my heart was going to jump right out of my chest.  The tears that I’d been trying to suppress all day finally flowed and I cried myself unconscious……..again.

S
omehow, I managed to sleep straight through to the next morning.  I’d made it all the way to lunch not having to face Antonio at all without even trying and I’d only seen AJ when I first arrived in the morning.  Deanna found me before lunch and walked with me to my locker to put my bag away.  We rounded the corner just as Leila was heading toward the stairs, but she stopped to look at us and smiled deviously first.  Deanna and I both rolled our eyes and continued on to my locker. 

Deanna was telling me about the difficult exam she’d just taken in her Geography class while I fidgeted with my combination
…
10...44…17. 
I removed the lock and lifted the metal handle, flinging the thin, green painted door open, and stepped back questioningly when four large pictures spilled out onto the floor.  As I stared at the ground, horror crossed my face, realizing what the images were.  These were the dreaded pictures of Leila and AJ.  I was forced to stare at their bare flesh intertwined in various positions as I stood there helpless.

Deanna stood beside me in shock as both of our eyes looked over the pictures that lie on the ground.  I composed myself and gathered them up
quickly.  One of the photos had a message written on it that read: 
“
You will
NEVER
replace m
e
!”
  Deanna stared at me wondering what my next move was going to be.  “Dude, if you wanna get her, I’ve got your back.”

I ignored her, folded the pictures and put them in my purse,
before walking calmly to the lunchroom.  When Deanna and I entered, everyone was already seated, including Leila.  She watched me as I rounded the table and took my seat next to AJ.  His eyes were on me too as she and I continued to stare each other down.  I didn’t even bother to consider Antonio today.  I had a one track mind. 

Deanna final
ly got my attention.  “Sam, just say the word.”  She said as she balled up both of her fists.

             
“No, I’m cool.”  I replied

AJ
looked confused by the private conversation between Deanna and I.  “What’s the matter?”  He asked.  Neither Deanna nor I answered.

I feigned
calm for the rest of the day and headed straight for my car after last period, wanting to avoid seeing anyone.  I had so much on my mind. 

Leila was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  As I w
alked down the aisle, I saw her walking toward her car without a care in the world.  Instantly, my pulse quickened and my feet picked up speed to match it.  Before I knew it, I was only a few feet behind her.  It would’ve been so easy to snatch by her hair and toss her to the ground, but I wanted her to see it coming.  When I reached her, I called her name and she spun around unsuspectingly.  My hand was already drawn back, anticipating how sweet it would be to make contact with her face.  But nothing compared to the actual feeling of my open palm burning into her flesh.  My blood ran cold in my veins with relief as I tried my best to slap the fire out of her.  When I was finally able to focus again, I saw a bright red stain forming underneath her skin.  The feeling was euphoric.  As I drew back again and clenched my fist I felt someone grab me from behind and lift me off the ground where I couldn’t reach her.  I stared at Leila who stared back at me with the same intensity.

It was A.J who was holding me.  He put me down and dragged me away by my arm as I continued to look back at her.  He pulled me in between two cars so that I could focus on him. 
“What are you doing?”  The words came from a place of absolute confusion.  It wasn’t a secret that I hated her, but had no idea why I’d just lit into her.

There was nothing to say.
I unzipped my purse and pulled out the pictures, glanced at them one last time and closed my eyes in disgust as I shoved them against his chest. When I finally looked at him again, he was still focused on the pictures.  His expression was a mix of embarrassment, regret, anger, and disbelief.  But he said nothing.

I left him standing there and walked to my car.  The entire ride home
, my mind flashed between the four images in the photos like they were emblazoned in my brain.  It killed me seeing him like that with someone else…..with
her
.  It was different when I imagined it on my own.  The scene in my head was of her being very much into him and him bored to tears.  But these pictures told a different story. 

I tried to remind myself that this was a different time in his life before I came around, but that didn’t help.  I couldn’t handle seeing him
enjoying
her the way he was.  It made me sick to my stomach.  I pulled my car into the parking lot of a fast food restaurant and opened the door just in time to stick my head out and throw up on the pavement.  After a few heaves I felt well enough to continue home. 

I ran straight up to my room and locked my door behind me.  My stomach was still upset, but I fought it.  I wanted desperately to keep my eyes open to prevent the images from coming back.  I turned on my radio and grabbed
a book from the desk.  My phone was buzzing in my pocket, but I ignored it and kept reading.  Minutes later it went off again. It wasn’t possible to talk to him right then. 

I wasn’t sure how I felt.
Was I angry with AJ?  Did I have a right to be?
  Of course I didn’t have the
right
to be, but I was honest enough with myself to admit that I was in fact angry.  Although I knew that he was with Leila long before me, it did nothing to dull the feelings that I was experiencing now.  The photos made me face the reality that I’d tried to suppress.  He’d shared something with her that I hadn’t shared with
anyone
.  For some inexplicable reason, that made me feel alone.  I was jealous of the way he touched her. 
Would I have felt so strongly about this if I weren’t still a virgin myself? Would that have softened the blow at all?
Who knows?  But before I knew it, I had my phone in hand and I dialed AJ’s number. 

He answered
on the first ring.  “Hello?”

What am I doing?

             
“Sam, I don’t know what to say but that I’m sorry,” he explained.

           “Come get me tonight,
” I demanded in a dry tone.  It was still unclear, even to me, what I wanted.

         
AJ didn’t ask any questions.  “Anything you want.  Twelve?”

         
“Yeah.”

          Without another word
, I flipped my phone shut and clutched it to my chest as I lay on my bed. 

        
I followed our usual routine and met him at the corner of my street.  He couldn’t even look at me when I got in the car and I didn’t bother trying to keep up any conversation.  We drove to our spot near his uncle’s house and parked.  I got out of the car and leaned against it, feeling the need to get a little fresh air.  Behind me, I could hear AJ getting out and walking around to stand beside me.  I gazed up at the stars and tried to get my thoughts together.  In the cool night air I found it easier to think. AJ stood there, unsure, and I suddenly felt the onset of guilt.  He really hadn’t done anything.  I shouldn’t have left him standing there in the parking lot to wonder where we stood.  He had nothing to do with Leila’s antics.   

          “I shouldn’t have got mad
,” I said softly.  “I just didn’t know how to handle…..”

         
AJ reached for my hand like he was relieved that I’d had a change of heart.  “No, it was my fault.  I was supposed to handle her and I should’ve done something differently,” he insisted.  “She’s
my
problem.”

          I shook my head.  “
AJ, listen.  You laid everything out on the table from day one.  That should’ve been good enough.  I just overreacted.”

        
He shook his head in protest again and was getting ready to say something else when I grabbed his face in my hands and occupied his lips just to stop him from talking – at least that was my original rationale. But standing there beneath the stars, I realized that this kiss felt different.  It felt like it served the sole purpose of leading up to something more, and I think he knew it too.  My lips moved feverishly with his and I couldn’t quite grasp what was happening.  Usually, this was all it took to satisfy me, but tonight I was looking for something else that I just couldn’t put into words. 

          My hands were shaking as I began to figure out where all of this was leading.  I was considering taking a big leap that would mean everything between he and I would change.  Whether those changes are good or bad, they were sure to come.  The thought of possibly ruining a great thing made me shy away a little.  It seemed like such a big risk, but the reward was too tempting to ignore. 

         
AJ’s guard was down and I was aware of his emotions in a way I’d never been before.  My mind and body were at war with one another again as I struggled against what I wanted and what was right.  The deciding factor was my heart, which meant that I chose to give in to my desires regardless of what the possibilities were.  I’d thought many times about how my first time would be, and I always said that I wanted to wait until the time was right.  And here, on this night, I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that the right time was now.

         
AJ’s eyes followed me to the back door as I climbed into the warm car where we’d both be more comfortable.  Not questioning my actions, he walked around to the other side and got in beside me.  So close to him, I could breathe him in and literally get high off of his scent as we kissed again.  My quivering hand subconsciously wandered down to the zipper of his jeans, preparing to cross the point of no return.  As if he’d had the same thought, AJ stopped kissing me and looked into my eyes, searching for surety. Still holding his gaze, I cautiously pulled the zipper down and answered the question in his eyes.