Gravity (Free Falling) (31 page)

          “I’m glad
you came.”  He looked over my face slowly.  “It’s strange not being able to call you when I want to.  It always feels like something’s missing.”

          There was no point in responding to his statement
.  I already knew that Antonio still loved me, but so much had transpired between us that I wasn’t sure of how strong that love was.  If I was completely honest with myself, I did still harbor feelings for him as well, but they didn’t compare to my love for AJ.  It was difficult to explain, even to myself and they’re
my
feelings.

         
As he stared at me, his smile faded and he dropped his gaze to the floor.  Sadness filled his face as he thought to himself.  I wanted to go to him and comfort him, but I wasn’t sure if that was a bad idea. As quickly as the mood came over him, it passed.  He shook it off and asked, “So, have you heard from Charleston yet?”

         
I tried to focus on what he was saying.  “Uh…..no, not yet, but it shouldn’t be much longer I hope.  Are you getting excited about leaving for Blanchard?”  I asked.

          “Not really
; it’s just gonna be another four years of school.”

         
I laughed at his response.  “But you have to at least be looking forward to dorm life, right?”

          There was another silent moment
.  “Umm…..I’m not gonna be living on campus.”

         
I was confused.  “But…..I thought you had everything worked out already?  What changed?”

         
He looked into my eyes and his expression was serious.  “I didn’t change my mind about the apartment.  I’ve already found a few places that I wanna check out.”

         
I had to close my mouth which was gaping open.  “But….. Are you…..”

         
He interrupted my mindless babbling.  “I just have a hunch that things between us aren’t completely over and I don’t want distance to be the problem.”

         
No words would come out of my mouth no matter how hard I tried to speak.  My body stiffened as Antonio scooted closer to me on the couch.  I didn’t even have time to react as he held my chin in his hand and pressed his soft, warm lips to mine.  I wanted to back up, but part of me wanted to let him have his way.  Needless to say that side of me won.  I felt his tongue separate my lips and enter my mouth.  Both of his hands were now holding my face lightly enough that if I
wanted
to, I could’ve moved, but there was no chance of that. 

         
I had to be careful not to let things get
too
out of hand.  After all, I’d opened Pandora’s Box, sexually speaking, and I didn’t want to do something that I’d regret later.  He sucked my lower lip between his and then I had to pull away.  The intensity was starting to get to me. 

         
I stood to my feet and decided to cut my visit short.  When I started walking toward the door to escape whatever was happening between us, he reached out and grabbed my hand, stopping me mid-stride.  He stared at me intently as he spoke.  “He doesn’t love you like I love you.  And he never will.  Don’t expect me not to fight for you.” He released my hand and I didn’t say another word.  I walked to my car hastily as the feeling of guilt came upon me.  Although Antonio had kissed
me
, I’d definitely let him.

         
My hands were shaking as I drove. 
What’s happening?  I can’t do this again? I can’t handle it!
I needed to talk to someone so that I could make sense of my feelings.  But there was no one that was completely neutral.  Leslie wouldn’t want to hear it.  Deanna was definitely going to be biased and there was the risk of her telling Karl.  There was no one who would understand.  My first reaction was to have an emotional breakdown right there in the car, but I was tired of crying over this situation.  I had to keep a clear head. 

        
I pulled up to my house and nearly had a heart attack when I saw AJ parked out front.  I wasn’t sure what to do or say.  The only thing that kept me remotely calm was to tell myself that I hadn’t committed any real offense.  After all, it was just a kiss, right?  My rationale did nothing to take away the guilt.  I stepped out of the car and AJ approached me reluctantly.  His expression was remorseful. 

          “Aren’t you supposed to be in practice?”  I asked
coldly to deflect my own guilt.

          “Yeah, but I thought I’d stop by and talk to you and just go late, but I didn’t expect for you not to be here.  Where’d you go?”

          My breathing became uneven.  “Why didn’t you call first so I could’ve told you not to waste your time?”

         
“Like you would’ve answered.  I don’t get why you’re acting like this.  I told you that if you really wanted me to talk to my parents I would.”

         
I glared at him.  “It really doesn’t matter anymore.  You didn’t think that it was ‘necessary information’ until I brought it up.  It’s not like I’m asking to meet them or anything, I just want to be important enough that you would
want
to tell them about me.” 

         
It was obvious that my point had hit home with him.  “Sam, I really
am
sorry.  I don’t tell them much about my personal life, and I should’ve treated our situation differently.”

         
It was hard work being mad at him.  His charm won me over.  I moved in his direction to hug him and he unexpectedly swooped in for a kiss.  I tried my best not to cringe away, but I felt like the most disgusting person on Earth, kissing two guys in the same day.  Actually in the same hour.  I pulled away quickly, trying to make it seem natural.  He looked at me suspiciously for a brief second.  I stared down at the ground with my arms folded across my chest. 

          “Are you still mad?”  He asked.

          “No.  I’m fine.  I just still have a lot on my mind.” 
Yeah, like Antonio.

          
He continued to stare at me as I fidgeted.  “Well, I guess I’ll go then.  Maybe call me later if you feel like talking.”  He lingered for a second waiting for me to respond before turning to walk back to his car.  When he was no longer in sight, I went inside. 

           
I still remained firm in knowing that my heart was with AJ, but Antonio’s kiss left me curious about……
other
things.  I struggled with the thoughts that I was having about him.  Going to his house was definitely a mistake, but the damage was already done.  I spent the rest of the night reliving the kiss that he and I shared.  This was the first secret that I’d ever kept from AJ.

Chapter T
welve

           I
n the midst of everything that was going on, my birthday snuck up on me out of nowhere.  I couldn’t believe that it was already November 21
st
.  Only two more days to prepare for my party.  I used to feel cheated that it fell either close to or on Thanksgiving every year.  As I got older I began to appreciate the fact that I never spent a birthday alone.  We always had family over to celebrate both the holiday and my birthday. 

         
Mom had already gotten most of the decorations.  Against her will I was able to talk her into getting g everything in hot pink and purple.  She couldn’t resist when I reminded her that it
was
my 18
th
and that it would be my last birthday living under their roof.  I regretted playing so dirty when I saw tears well up in her eyes. 

         
Deanna and Karl were coming to dinner with AJ.  Of course I invited Leslie, Megan and Kyla, but I didn’t expect them to show.  Leslie was still avoiding me.  Even the final time our group met up to put the finishing touches on our project she was quiet and distant.  It felt like I was talking to a stranger.  Maybe that’s what she was now.  I missed her, but Deanna and I had become pretty close over the past couple months.  It turns out that we shop at a lot of the same stores and listen to a lot of the same music.  She’s easy to talk to and I share everything with her.  Well,
almost
everything.  I still kept the one secret between only Antonio and me. 

         
After that incident at his house, Antonio and I continued to talk on the phone a few times a week, but we never visited one another anymore.  The chances of having a repeat of the last time were too great, and I wasn’t about to let that go down again.  Out of the blue one day, AJ brought up Antonio’s name in casual conversation.  He explained to me that he actually doesn’t mind me talking to Antonio every now and then.  Of course I didn’t disclose that I’d already been doing that, but at least I felt a little less guilty about it.  Apparently he trusts
me
, but not Antonio which may be why he made it clear that he wasn’t cool with us hanging out.  The fact that he was being so understanding made me feel bad about my one indiscretion, but not enough to tell on myself.  A couple weeks ago, AJ had even seen Antonio and me talking in the hall at school.  He didn’t bat an eye as he walked by and rubbed his hand across my back caringly as he passed.  Antonio was a little shocked, but he seemed glad that things were finally settling down. 

         
There hadn’t been any drama with Leila lately, mostly because she stopped showing up to school altogether.  No one knew what happened to her, but then again that may have been due to the fact that no one was looking for her.  Life was now more normal than I could’ve imagined it would be so soon.  Daddy seemed pretty okay with meeting AJ. I still hadn’t brought up the whole race thing to him, but mom told me not to worry about it. Hopefully she knows what she’s talking about.

         
My aunt, uncle, and cousin were coming in from New York and staying here at the house with us.  Angel, my cousin, is two years older than me and I couldn’t wait to see her again.  The last time we’d been together was July at our family reunion in South Carolina.  Out of all of my first cousins, she’s my favorite.  She definitely has a strong edgy personality.  Her accent is heavy, but she denies having one at all.  I look up to her in a way because she has her life together.  She’s in her second year of college and made the Dean’s list every semester.  She has a no-nonsense kind of attitude that draws as many people to her as it pushes away.  Lucky for me, Angel’s one of the most open minded people I know, so I was probably least nervous about
her
meeting AJ

         
They were due to be in at around 10pm, so I was busy setting my room up for her.  My Queen sized bed was big enough for her to just sleep with me, so I changed my sheets and made room for her things in my closet  before cleaning out a couple of my drawers for her.  Angel and her family were visiting for an entire week and she couldn’t have come at a better time. 

         At around 9:45, my parents and I were sitting on the couch waiting for my aunt and uncle to arrive.  When my phone rang, my father glanced down as if he was hoping
to catch a glimpse of who the caller was.  AJ’s name flashed across the screen and I answered right away. 

          “Hey!”

          “Look, I know your cousin’s coming in tonight, but……do you think you can meet me later?  I kinda need to see you,” AJ replied suggestively.  Over the past few weeks, he’d developed quite a dependency and I knew exactly why he “
needed”
to see me.  His advances flattered me, but I had to be vague with my father sitting so close. 

           “Sure.  I should be able to work something out.”

          “Twelve?”  He asked. 

          “
Mmmmmm……,” was all I could say to get him to guess differently.

         
“One?”

          “Later,” I replied, knowing that my mother and Aunt Lisa would probably be up late tonight catching up.

          “Two?”  He asked, sighing.

          “Perfect.”

          AJ laughed to himself.  “Your dad must be nearby.”

          “Sure is,” I replied.

          He laughed again and I could imagine him shaking his head at my paranoia.  “See you at two,” he said, and then hung up.  I could breathe again with the awkward conversation behind me.  My father continued to stare at the television which meant that my words had gone right over his head as I’d hoped. 

          Just then, a
set of headlights turned into our driveway.  Mom jumped up to her feet.  Aunt Lisa’s the older sister and she’d practically raised my mother after their parents died.  Mom always looked forward to seeing her around the holidays.  As soon as Aunt Lisa walked through the door she dropped her bags and she and mom both started screaming as they jumped up and down in one another’s arms.   

         
Angel came through the door carrying what looked like every piece of luggage from the car.  Daddy and I rushed over to her to grab what we could.  She took one look at me and smiled. 

          “Sammy
!”  She screamed.  She’s the only one who calls me that and I was glad of it.  Sammy sounds like a dog’s name to me and it still hasn’t grown on me after all these years.  I threw my arms around her.  Even though it had only been months since we’d seen each other, it felt like years had passed. 

          “Come on up.  You’re staying in my room.”
  I motioned her toward the steps.

          We ran up, carrying her lugg
age and tossed it all right on the floor as soon as we shut my door.  The first thing Angel did was change into her pajamas and then lay back on my bed with her feet crossed and her hands interlocked across her chest.  There was so much I wanted to tell her, but it seemed selfish to unload on her after such a long and tiring trip.  She looked over at me and smiled as I pulled out a pair of pajamas from my dresser. 

          “
Sooooo…..?”

          “
Sooooo…..?”  I replied.

         
She sighed and sat up on her elbows.  “Are you gonna make me beat the information out of you or are you gonna spill it on your own?”

         
I smiled.  “What are you talking about?”

      
   “What’s going on in your life?  What’s up with that boy you were telling me about at the reunion?  You still with him?  I need to see some pictures or something, now!” She rambled.

         
I laughed at her.  There was that New York charm of hers that I loved so much.  “No, we’re not together anymore, but we’re friends,” I replied as I reached into my nightstand drawer and retrieved a picture of Antonio and I that we took at Homecoming.

         
Her eyes bucked when she looked at him.  “Wow, he’s a cutie!  So…..ya’ll friends like ya’ll still get busy friends, or friends like let’s braid each other’s hair friends?” She asked.

          “Firs
t of all, we are friends as in we’re just cool.  And second, we
never
‘got busy’.”

          “Yeah right,” s
he scoffed as she took a second look at the photo.

          “I’m serious.  We never did it.”  I sat down on my bed across from her.

          “You tellin’ me you never
ever
?”

          
I smiled.  “I didn’t say that.  I said that
we
never did it.”

          “Whoa…..Look at you.  So tell me about this new dude.”

          Angel frowned at how giddy I became when I started talking about him.  “His name’s AJ and you’ll meet him Thursday.”

         
Her expression was thoughtful.  “You must really like him, huh?”

          “That’s o
ne way to put it,” I replied.  When I looked over at her she was yawning again.  “Girl, go to bed.  I’m gonna take a shower.  We’ll finish talking about it tomorrow.

      
   “Fine, but you’d better be ready to give me every single detail by then.  I’m not playin’ with you.”

          “I will,” I assured her.”

          “Good.  And I’ll just say goodnight now cause I’ll probably be knocked out by the time you get out.”

         
I smiled at her, glad that she’d be here with me for a while.  Maybe she could help me sort some of my mess out.  “Goodnight,” I said, and then turned to walk into the bathroom.

        Angel
was right.  When I came out of the bathroom she was fast asleep.  It was only 11:15, so I lay across my bed and turned the TV on low.  At ten to two, I’d wasted enough time, so I grabbed my things and eased out into the hall.  Uncle Todd was snoring loudly enough that I could’ve fallen down the stairs and no one would’ve heard it.  I made it out the door and then walked swiftly down the street. 

       
AJ and I went to our usual spot.  He’d barely shut the engine off before he started removing my coat and almost everything else.  The back seat was cramped, but we made it work.  This was becoming our routine.  At least two nights a week we were sneaking out to be together.  Even the possibility of getting caught didn’t stop me.  AJ had quickly become the single most important thing in my life. 

         
When I finally looked at the clock it was nearly five in the morning.  I watched him as he refastened his belt while I dressed.  If I was being honest with myself, I still wanted him, but I needed to get back soon.  When I finally made it inside the house it was a quarter to 6 and the sun was on its way up.  I’d cut it a little closer that I’d planned, but it seemed like everyone was still asleep.  I crept into my room, slid my clothes off and changed back into my pajamas, and then tiptoed to my bed and got under the covers. 

         
My head had barely hit the pillow.  “Where the heck have
you
been?”  Angel asked in a whisper, nearly causing me to fall off the bed.

          “I was just out with
AJ.” I paused.  “You’re not gonna tell on me are you?”

          “Of
course
not, dummy!”  Angel almost said aloud.  There was a long silence that followed, and I could hear her smiling when she asked, “What were
ya’ll
doing?”

          “S
hut up and go to sleep Angel,” I said as I yawned.

         
“Mmm hmm.  I’ll bet you
are
tired.”

          “Goodnight!”  I replied.

          “Look at the window Sammy.  You see that big yellow thing out there?  That’s called the sun,” she said sarcastically.  “That means it’s morning!”

         
I ignored her and fell asleep.

         When I finally awoke, it was noon
.  Angel was gone.  I heard mom and Aunt Lisa laughing downstairs.  The day before Thanksgiving, they usually got started prepping the food and getting a head start on the baking.  I stretched and went to the bathroom to freshen up.  I walked downstairs to find Mom, Aunt Lisa and Angel all in the kitchen.  Angel wasn’t helping; she just sat at the table watching.  When she noticed me she smiled and raised her eyebrows.  I shook my head at her as I returned the smile.  I sat next to her at the table and leaned my head on her shoulder.  I was still a little groggy, but I’d slept enough to function.  She rubbed my hair and leaned her cheek on my head while we sat listening to Mom and Aunt Lisa talking about people that I’d never heard of.  They were sharing old stories from back in the day and if I sat there much longer listening to them I’d surely fall back asleep. 

          “You
wanna help me decorate for tomorrow?”  I asked Angel.

          “Sure.  Right about now you could ask me to cut off my thumb
s and I’d choose that over this,” she replied.