Happier Than She's Ever Been... (7 page)

‘Yes,' May said, ‘that was why I wrote my book. I mean, it wasn't even as if
I
wrote it but my heart. It sort of came through me…'

‘Well, exactly. You know, when I was a lil' girl growing up in Austin, Texas,' Lily said with an affected drawl, ‘the Girl Scouts had a motto they drummed into us. I learnt it by heart the first moment they told us, 'cause it was just about the most beautiful thing I'd ever heard.
What you have
, they said,
is your gift from God. And what you do with what you have is your gift to God.
'

‘Wow,' May said. ‘That's beautiful.'

‘Isn't it? To me it means that we're meant to ask what life wants from us, just as often as asking life for what we want from it. That's the wisdom of the heart rather than the demands of the mind, and I try to live my life that way, whenever I possibly can.' Lily smiled. ‘So what do you say we wrap this little party up and go home and get some sleep?'

‘Yes.' May sighed softly. ‘I think that sounds like a very good idea.'

That night May curled up next to Ben, squeezing him tightly.

‘I'm sorry I haven't been paying you much attention,' she whispered, kissing his cheek. Ben shifted in his sleep. ‘I'll come back to you now. I won't get lost in the crazy world out there. I'll always stay true to my heart, and yours, I promise.'

‘What if nobody comes?' May paced up and down the bookshop floor, wiping her sweaty hands on her soft pink silk dress. ‘What if absolutely nobody turns up and we have to eat five hundred cupcakes all by ourselves?'

‘Well,' Ben said, ‘would that be such a very bad thing?'

May smiled. ‘You jest, but that used to be about my weekly consumption when I was running the café,' she said. ‘And now I'd rip my very beautiful but very tight little dress open, and that –'

‘Would be a
very
wonderful thing.' Ben grinned, picking May up and twirling her round and round. She giggled while he carried her to the enormous display of cupcakes: hundreds of red, purple and gold cakes sparkling with glitter and shiny frosting. May had spent two days in the kitchen carefully creating each one, piping on the icing, sprinkling the glitter, cutting little hearts and gold coins and chocolate bars out of marzipan, decorating the cupcakes with symbols of men, money and chocolate. They were little pieces of perfection and Ben hoped, more desperately than he'd ever hoped for anything in his life, that two hundred people would show up to eat them.

They both looked up, necks practically snapping out of their sockets, as the bell above the door tinkled and in walked Alice and her boyfriend. Ben whispered a small prayer of thanks and hoped the next time the door opened it would be twenty people walking through, not just two.

In the end the night was a glorious success. Beyond even Ben's wildest dreams. Well over two hundred people had shown up. All the cupcakes had been eaten, all the champagne finished, all the books signed and sold. At the end of the evening, when every guest had staggered out, full of cake, wine and words, Lily had declared it the best, by far the most beautiful and brilliant, book launch of any book she'd ever published.

As Ben finally locked the door, and May slid to the floor with a beatific smile fixed to her face, they looked at each other.

‘I only wish Faith could have come,' May said. ‘I miss her. I'd have loved her to be here. But other than that it was a most perfect night.'

‘I hope I can meet her one day, this wonderfully kooky cousin of yours,' Ben said. ‘I guess we'll have to wait a little while until we've got a bit more cash. When your book's a bestseller you can fly us over to jolly old England first class and I can meet your whole family.'

‘I wouldn't hold your breath.' May laughed. ‘I think there's about as much chance of that as Faith becoming the first millionaire astrologer-psychic-modern dancer in England.'

Ben smiled ‘Well, we'll see about that. But this wasn't a bad show, was it?'

‘Not bad at all.' May sighed happily. ‘Those books, all those women. I might just be able to make a difference in the world after all.'

‘Yes,' Ben said, ‘that's lovely, but don't forget about you and me while you're out there saving the world.'

‘Of course not.' May started scattering Ben with little kisses. ‘I could never forget about you – you're the loveliest, most special, beautiful, wonderful, most precious person in my life.'

In that moment Ben felt such a surge of joy and love in his heart that he couldn't contain it. At least that was the only way he could explain what happened next.

‘Do you want kids?' he asked suddenly, softly, with such desire in his words it was clear that he wanted them right now this minute, if at all possible.

‘What?' May stared at him, shocked.

Ben hesitated. He stepped back. He'd been wrong. He'd misread her signals. It was too soon for this subject. He'd scared her off. He quickly wracked his brains for a seamless shift into another topic of conversation.

‘I, um, I… I don't know,' he mumbled. ‘I meant to say, I… would you like to dance?'

May smiled and nodded, relieved, not knowing what she would have said otherwise. Ben stood, reached for May's hand and pulled her to her feet. He held her close to his chest and stroked the silk of her dress. Slowly he started to move and hum the words of their song. She smiled up at him, happy to be in his arms, exhausted and glad he was holding her up. Ben touched his lips to the top of her head and told himself that if he just kept holding her then everything was going to be all right.

F
ORGIVENESS

‘I'm going to be on TV, I'm going to be on TV!' May shouted, running through the bookshop, reaching Ben, unpacking boxes of books in the back. ‘Can you believe it? I can't believe it, I can't believe it!'

‘That's fantastic, love, really fantastic,' Ben said, still unpacking.

May stopped and looked at him. ‘Didn't you hear what I said?'

‘I think,' he replied, meeting her eyes, ‘everyone in a five-block radius did.'

‘What do you mean?' May frowned. ‘Shouldn't I be excited? Isn't it amazing news? I don't understand why you aren't happy for me.'

‘It is amazing and I am happy for you,' Ben said, though he didn't
really
sound it. ‘So when's the show?'

‘In two weeks. Lily called some producers ages ago and they've suddenly got an opening in three weeks' time. The programme is about women who've followed their dreams at all costs and made them come true. Loads of people will be watching. It's a great opportunity to get the word out, to tell so many women about the book, to help give them the courage and inspiration to follow their own dreams. Just think about it; I can really do some good. It's totally wonderful!'

‘Yes,' Ben agreed. ‘It really is.'

May frowned at him again. ‘What's wrong?'

But this time it was Ben who wasn't brave enough to be honest. How could he say he was jealous? It
sounded so unreasonable. He
was
proud of May, that she was realising her dreams, pursuing her passions. He was touched that she cared so deeply about helping other women who were going through what she'd suffered. But all that didn't stop him wishing May would give him a little more time and attention. Since the book launch, she'd been in such demand that they'd hardly been out together in weeks. Women came looking for her at the shop, spending hours telling her their problems and seeking advice. To reach more people May had increased her evening gatherings to four nights a week. She received endless amounts of emails that she stayed up long into the night answering. They hadn't made love in quite a while. But, feeling it was not fair of him to complain, sadly Ben decided to say nothing.

‘I'm fine.' Ben smiled. ‘Really, I am. I'm very happy. It's great.'

May kissed him. ‘Okay, that's good. I'm glad.' Of course she could tell he wasn't, not really. For a start, the smile hadn't reached his eyes. But she didn't know what to do about it and, truthfully, didn't want him to bring her down. So sadly May didn't say anything either.

Two days later, as preparations for the TV show were fully underway, with May practising what she'd say in front of the mirror for hours on end, Ben had persuaded her to sit down for a quick dinner. And all through it he tried to suppress the knots of fear and frustration twisting inside his belly. But it was no good. He couldn't eat and he could barely look May in the eye.

‘What's going on?' May finally sighed, unable to ignore it any longer. ‘What's wrong? What have I done? And don't tell me “nothing”.'

‘It's not just about you,' Ben said, trying to remain calm but feeling a few months' worth of frustration boiling up inside him and bubbling over. ‘Wait, I'm sorry, that's not true. It
is
all about you, all the time.'

‘What's that supposed to mean?' May frowned.

‘Oh, I think it's pretty clear. I've spent the last six months listening to you talk endlessly about the book, thinking about nothing else,' Ben snapped. ‘All you seem to care about is all the women you can help, these strangers who need you. Which is very virtuous of you and everything, but –'

‘I'm trying to do something good,' May cut in. ‘I want to give something back for all I've been given. How can that be a bad thing?'

‘It's not,' Ben said, ‘and I know I sound like an asshole, but I don't care any more. I know those women need you, but I need you too. And I feel like I'm losing you.'

May stared at him, utterly shocked. ‘What? You're not losing me. This is just something I've got to do. It won't be forever. It's just –'

‘Won't it?' Ben asked. ‘And when's it going to stop? When you've saved the whole world?'

‘No, of course not,' May replied, though she couldn't say that she would ever stop; when, after all, would her efforts be enough? She stood and started pacing up and down the kitchen. ‘Look, I thought this was what people in love, partners, did. They supported each other; they cared about someone other than themselves. Isn't that the whole point of love?'