Hawke's Salvation (10 page)

“That’s right mama bear. We can’t run that place without you, so you’d better rest up and get to rights,” Romeo said, moving to the other side of the bed, and giving her other hand a squeeze.

Hawke couldn’t speak because he didn’t know what to say. He wanted to be reassuring and positive like the other two, but his heart was in pieces. Over the course of his twenty-eight years there had been four people who’d taught him everything he knew about being a man, and Marilyn was the only one left. He couldn’t bring himself to imagine life without her.

After a couple of minutes, Nurse Stacy returned and told them it was time to leave, and still Hawke had yet to speak to Marilyn. Jeanette gave him a worried look. “It’s okay, just tell her what’s in your heart.”

“That would take all day,” he joked, his voice sounding raw and husky. “Uh, Marilyn, I uh…” He paused, and swallowed hard, his eyes darting around so that he didn’t have to see the pity on anyone’s face as he fought for words. “I need you Mar, get better.”

With that, he spun on his heel and shot out of the room. He couldn’t take one more second in this place of death and grief. He needed to get out.

J
eanette followed
Hawke out of the hospital room, but she didn’t try to stop him. He seemed hell-bent on running from his demons, and she knew that to intervene would likely cause them both emotional pain. It was better to just follow along on this journey and be there if he needed her.

He wound his way through the hospital hallways a good distance ahead of her before he paused in front of a doorway. His hesitation piqued her curiosity, and as she drew closer she realized he’d stopped outside the door of the hospital chapel.

She hadn’t considered him a religious man, but when he pushed through the heavy wooden door, she followed. This time, she had no intention of keeping her distance, and when she took a seat next to him on the pew, he reached for her hand without a word.

They sat there in silence for a long time, before he murmured, “I haven’t prayed since the last time I was in this hospital. It didn’t work for me then, and I doubt it will work now, but I can’t just sit around doing nothing.”

“Prayer is reassuring. It doesn’t harm anyone for you to have faith,” Jeanette offered. She’d been raised Catholic along with the rest of her cousins, and she understood the role that faith played in turbulent times.

“I’m sorry to bail like that. I can’t stand seeing her look so sick.”

She leaned against him and rested her head against his shoulder. “I know. I wish there was more we could do for her.”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For being here with me. For following me out of the room, but not forcing me to talk about my feelings.”

Her laughter echoed in the empty chapel. “There’s nothing wrong with talking about your feelings, Hawke.”

“No, there’s not, but that doesn’t mean I want to do it all the time.” He sighed heavily, and draped his arm over her shoulders, pulling her close for a hug. Jeanette couldn’t help but snuggle into his warmth, enjoying their closeness. “My brothers say you’re good for me.”

Pleasure coursed through her, and she tried to ignore the little flurry of fear that the thought brought, too. Hawke was emotionally invested in their relationship; was she?

“That’s nice,” she finally whispered, unsure how else to respond.

“I think you’re good for me, too. You make me feel like there’s something in this world worth living for.”

Jeanette jerked her head back to stare at him in surprise. “What? Why would you say that?”

He shrugged, “There was a time when I wasn’t so sure about my future. Now I’m scared that Marilyn won’t be here to see how happy I am with you in it.”

“She’ll always be with you even if she doesn’t make it, Hawke.”

“Yeah, that’s what they say, but who really knows?”

“No one, that’s why it’s called faith. I have faith that whatever is meant to happen will happen. You have to have faith that Marilyn knows how much you love her, and how hard you’re pulling for her.” Jeanette offered. She wanted to be positive, but she didn’t want to get too deep into a conversation about their future. For all she knew, they’d get over this incessant desire for each other fairly quickly and then where would they be?

They sat in the chapel together for a good hour before Hawke sucked in a deep breath and stood. “Okay, I’m ready to go back up there.”

“This time we’re going to the ICU waiting room,” Jeanette reminded him.

He nodded, and took her hand as they headed out into the hall, “Hopefully they have a coffee pot in there, otherwise their elevator is going to get a hell of a workout tonight.”

T
he sun was just peeking
over the horizon when Jeanette and Hawke returned to Crawley Creek. Vin and Lauren had come up to the hospital to take over keeping watch, so that the others could go home for some rest. Marilyn’s condition hadn’t changed, but the doctors seemed more positive with the morning light, so Jeanette felt good about dragging Hawke away for a few hours.

“I should let you rest,” he said, kissing her softly in front of the door of her cabin. Snow was falling lightly, and the wind was bitter cold, making her shiver.

“You can rest with me if you want…” She offered him a seductive smile.

“If I come in there, we won’t be getting any rest for a while.”

She winked as she reached for the doorknob. “I’m sure I’ll manage.”

The doorknob turned in her hand before she was able to insert her key and she stared down at it in confusion.

“Why’s your door unlocked?” Hawke asked, pushing it open and peering inside warily.

“I don’t know, I guess maybe I forgot to lock it in all the chaos. I mean, we ran out of here pretty quickly.” She frowned at the keys in her hand questioningly. She couldn’t remember the moments before she reached the main house and saw Marilyn; everything was just too fuzzy from her state of panic. It was pretty likely that she really had just forgotten to lock the door in her haste to get to the emergency.

Hawke entered the cabin first, and flipped on the lights, moving silently as he checked out every nook and cranny. When he didn’t find anyone hiding out, he shrugged. “All clear. Must have just left it unlocked.”

Jeanette nodded in agreement, and flipped the locks behind her before removing her coat and hanging it on the hook. “I could use a shower to wash off the hospital. Want to join me?”

The lines of exhaustion on Hawke’s face vanished, and his green eyes smoldered at her. “Do you even have to ask?”

Taking her hand, he led her into the bathroom where he stripped her clothes off and ushered her into the hot water before disrobing himself. The moment they were under the spray together, he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her naked body against his, and kissing her deeply.

There was so much emotion conveyed in the embrace, that it stole Jeanette’s breath and she pulled away panting. “Wow, and we’ve barely begun.”

“Damn right, darlin’.” Hawke spun her around, and pushed her forward so that she was bracing her hands on the shower wall in front of her, bent over at the middle. He pressed a kiss to the top of her spine, and ground his erection against the split of her ass, “Have you ever tried anal?”

She shivered, and nodded. “I didn’t like it much.”

“Okay, no ass play yet. We’ll stick with the tried and true method…” His fingers sought out her moist center, and she whimpered as he teased her folds. Her clit was already swollen and begging for attention, but he ignored it, choosing to focus on prepping her passage for entry. “Spread your legs, baby.”

She did as instructed, widening her stance so that he could slip the head of his cock into her heat. It didn’t make sense that she was ready for him so quickly, but he slid into her easily, and she welcomed him.

“Harder, Hawke.” She gasped when he thrust a few times lazily. “I need it harder.”

“Fuck, yeah,” He responded, jamming his dick into her depths with a sharp thrust, and making her groan. His hand came around her body to play with her bouncing breasts, and she arched her back, cocking her hips so that he could sink deeper inside her. “You feel so fucking good.”

“So. Do. You.” She responded, panting as he slammed into her body, his cock hitting the sensitive nerve bundle deep inside her pussy. They fucked like rabbits, neither giving parlay as they fought for control.

Jeanette clenched her pussy muscles around him, milking his dick in an effort to draw him closer to climax, and in response, he reached down to pinch her clit. Her knees wobbled, and she would have fallen if she wasn’t impaled on his cock with his body supporting part of her weight.

“Come for me, Jeanette.” He howled as he pumped his cock into her. “Give it all to me!”

The command came at just the right moment, and it sent her hurtling over the edge of no return, her body spasming around him as he filled her passage with sticky, hot semen. She knew they should have used protection, but in her hazy moment of pleasure, she didn’t care. She actually found it more of a turn-on that she now held a part of him inside her body. It was the first time she’d ever been with a man without the barrier of a condom between them, and it had been heavenly.

When they separated and it began to dribble down her thigh she laughed. “Now I really need to wash up.”

Hawke turned her in his arms and kissed her softly. “Sorry about that. I didn’t think to grab a condom before we came in here.”

“I’m sure it’s fine. The chances of this turning into anything are slim. I’m on birth control, and it was only once.” She looked up at him through her lashes. “Besides, I kind of liked it.”

Hawke’s lips curved up into a smile. “Didja now? Well, if the odds are in our favor, maybe we’ll have to try it again and see what it feels like without the water between us.”

“After we get some sleep,” she said, laughing when he groaned in protest. “We’ve been awake all night, and it’s likely we’ll be up again tonight at the hospital. We need some sleep.”

“Do you meet with Payton today?” he asked as he helped her lather her body with soap, washing every inch of skin.

“No, we don’t usually meet on the weekends. We have an appointment tomorrow, though.” She returned the favor and helped him soap up, spending extra time teasing his cock and balls with her soapy hands.

“Good, then we’ll sleep the day away,” he replied, “after I make love to you again.”

It wasn’t long before they were wrapped in each other’s arms again, this time in the softness of the bedsheets, making slow sweet love before they drifted to sleep together.

I
t took
another twenty-four hours for Marilyn to regain consciousness, and be considered stable enough to move out of ICU. Hawke couldn’t put into words how relieved he was, so he searched out the biggest bouquet of flowers he could find and a nice get well card. While he was in the florist’s shop, he noticed a small display of jewelry near the counter, and one pendant in particular caught his eye.

Lifting it in his palm, he examined the silver owl and found a small catch on one side that allowed it to be opened. Inside was a watch face with old-fashioned font lettering the dial, and he grinned and carried it back to the counter.

“I’d like to add this to my order, please,” he instructed the girl.

“Sure, I’ll just find a holder for the gift box so that it sits right in the middle of the flowers.”

“Oh no, it’s not for the same girl. I mean, the flowers are for one, and the necklace is for another.”

The shop attendant’s eyebrows shot up, and then she gave him a dark look and huffed. “I’ll get a gift box for the necklace.” She spun away from him muttering under her breath about cheating men, and Hawke realized his mistake.

“You don’t understand, they’re both in my life, but in different ways! I mean…” his words drifted off as the door swung shut behind her leaving him standing there alone at the counter. Sighing with exasperation, he tugged his cell phone free and shot Drannon a quick text telling him he’d be at the hospital shortly to take over his shift.

When the girl returned, her attitude was damn near glacial, and he decided it wasn’t worth trying to explain the situation to her. Instead, he just passed her his credit card, and accepted his purchases. How exactly could he explain it anyway? Marilyn wasn’t his family, and yet, she was. And Jeanette, well who the hell knew what she was to him. They hadn’t slept apart in two solid weeks, and yet every time he brought up the future, she changed the subject. He was hoping they’d have more time to talk once Marilyn was home and didn’t need them all rotating shifts at the hospital.

Marilyn was smiling at something Drannon was saying when Hawke entered her hospital room carrying the enormous bouquet. “Holy smokes!”

Drannon cocked his head and arched his eyebrow. “Hawke? Is that you under there?”

“It’s me.” Hawke set the vase down on Marilyn’s bedside table and leaned over to kiss her brow. “How are you feeling Mar?”

“I’m ready to get out of here. The food’s terrible, and they won’t let me have any coffee.” She grumbled, reaching for the soft petals of a rose, “These are beautiful Hawke, thank you so much.”

“You’re welcome. I wanted to brighten your room up a bit.” He glanced back over at Drannon. “Any word on when she’s getting out of here?”

His brother shook his head, and Marilyn pouted. “Mark says I have to stay a couple more days for observation and some more tests, but I should be home by Christmas.”

“No, Mark said you will probably have to have surgery.” Drannon filled Hawke in on the test results that they’d gotten back and explained that Marilyn needed to have a stent put in to open the blood flow in one of her arteries. “After that, they’ll reevaluate her status, but as of this moment, Mark doesn’t see any reason why she wouldn’t be home for Christmas.”

“That’s a relief,” Hawke said, winking at Marilyn. “Can’t have the Christmas ham without ya.”

“She has to take this year off,” Drannon said, giving Marilyn a pointed glare. “She’ll be resting while other people cook and clean up.”

“I had a heart attack, Drannon. People have them every day and live for years afterwards.” Marilyn looked so put out that Hawke nearly laughed, but Drannon’s response froze his blood.

“You’re not just people, Marilyn, you’re
our
people. We almost lost you once because you were working yourself too hard and not being honest about what you need. We won’t risk it again.”

Drannon rose, and kissed Marilyn’s cheek before saying his goodbyes and leaving Hawke and her alone.

“Always did know how to make a dramatic entrance,” Marilyn said, wrinkling her nose at the doorway, “or exit in this case. Sit down Hawke, unless you’re planning on helping me break free? In which case, stay on your feet so that we can move faster. I don’t run very fast when my bare behind is flapping in the breeze.”

“I’m here to keep you company, not break you out. You’re stuck until Mark says you can go.” Hawke settled into the fake leather chair Drannon had vacated. “So they want to do surgery huh?”

Marilyn nodded.

“And how are you feeling about it?”

She cocked her head, and stared down at her hands for a moment before lifting one. “Do you know how many babies these hands have held? Meals they’ve cooked? Dishes they’ve washed? Tears they’ve wiped away?”

Hawke shook his head no, and waited for her to continue.

“Me either, but I know it’s been a lot. I’ve lived a full life, and when it’s my time to go, I’ll go peacefully, with no regrets.” Her blue eyes lifted and met his, “That’s something I always promised myself, that I’d go with no regrets when the good Lord took me home.”

“Surely there are things you would go back and change—”

“Oh sure. I’d laugh more, dance more, cry more.” She took a deep breath. “And I’d definitely tell you guys how much you mean to me more often. Abe and Sera took me in when I was at my lowest point and they gave me a home and a family. Cheese and biscuits, they gave me a new life that was one hundred percent better than the old one. I couldn’t have lived long enough to repay their kindness, but after all these years on this green earth, the only thing I know for a fact is that love doesn’t just fall into your lap. It takes work. Be it your parents, siblings, children, or significant other.”

Hawke felt his cheeks heat under her scrutiny, and he cleared his throat awkwardly. “I’m not sure what you’re trying to say…”

“You’re head over heels in love with Dr. Hall, and I think it’s damn near time you told her so,” Marilyn said firmly, crossing her arms over her ample bosom and pursing her lips sternly.

“We’ve only just begun seeing each other. She’s not ready to hear anything like that.”

“But you’re not denying it’s true?”

He shook his head, “I’m scared to admit it out loud, but I’m even more terrified that once I do, she’ll run for the hills.”

Marilyn nodded. “She might.”

“Hey! You’re supposed to be encouraging me!”

“No, Hawke, I’m supposed to be supporting you. I’m not here to hold your hand; I’m just here to give you a lift up or a shoulder to cry on if you need it. I don’t think you will though. Something about the way Jeanette looks at you…My John looked at me that way before he went to Japan. The war changed him.” For a moment Marilyn grew misty-eyed as she was lost in her own thoughts. When she seemed to remember where she was, she continued, “Just don’t let it slip through your fingers.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because you, Hawke, need to hear it the most. The other guys all figured it out, and found women who love them deeply, but you keep pulling at the same rope hoping that one of these times it won’t dump chicken feed on your head. It’s time to stop doing silly things, and follow your heart.”

Hawke reached for her IV bag and scrutinized the label for a minute. Marilyn watched him and finally asked, “Just what in the heck are you doing?”

“Looking to see what medication they put you on to make you all sentimental all of a sudden. I clearly need to talk to Mark about sharing the good drugs.”

Her laugh echoed off the walls, and Hawke felt the weight of the last couple of days lift off his shoulders. Marilyn was going to be okay. He had no doubt about it. He also knew that she was right about Jeanette. Now if only relationships came with instruction manuals.

“
T
ell
me about your family back in Tulsa?” Jeanette prodded Payton in the hopes that the girl would open up in some sense of the word, but once again they seemed to just keep going around in circles.

“My family? What do they have to do with my PTSD?” Payton muttered, rolling her eyes. “They weren’t overseas with me.”

“Exactly, which means they don’t understand what you’re going through,” Jeanette replied with a nod, “Were they supportive when you returned home?”

“You mean did they come and visit me in the hospital? Sure, of course, and they even set up a hospital bed in the living room for me while I healed after my sixth…no seventh surgery. What difference does that make?”

“Soldiers without a good support system are up to three times more likely to injure themselves when having a PTSD episode. Have you ever considered injuring yourself?”

Payton gave her a funny look before nodding. “Yeah, but not any time recently. It was right after I got back stateside. I was still in the rehab facility, and I was in a low place.”

“And how did you climb out of that low place?”

“My brothers,” Payton murmured softly.

Jeanette glanced down at the file in front of her in surprise. “Brothers? I knew you had siblings, but you didn’t mention they were brothers.”

Shrugging Payton looked away. “I have so many of them that it’s easy to forget who knows them and who doesn’t.”

“How many do you have?”

“Five brothers, and I’m the only girl, and the baby of the family.” Payton said with a laugh, “Guess that’s how I ended up in the military in the first place. I never grew up with dolls and makeup. I had hand-me-down GI Joes and Transformers.”

Jeanette chuckled a little at the visual. “I understand. I have three boy cousins and one girl cousin I grew up with. Quinn and I were complete opposites. She was a cheerleader, and I was a bookworm, so we didn’t exactly turn out to be besties.”

“At least you had a female to hang out with. My mom died of uterine cancer when I was ten, and Dad never remarried. He retired from the Corps to take care of her when she got sick.”

“So you followed in your father’s footsteps then?”

“I guess so.”

“What did your brothers think about that?”

This time, Payton’s laughter held no mirth; instead, it just rippled out of her like she couldn’t restrain it. Wildly chaotic and slightly manic. “Five brothers, five different Marine Corp units. Who would have thought baby sister would ever get through boot camp? They hated it when I announced I’d enlisted, and then they hated it even more when I got my orders. Sure, they said they were proud to my face, but I heard them. When they thought I was unconscious in the hospital, so righteous and sure of what they knew. They didn’t know shit. They thought they knew, but they had no fucking clue. They thought they could protect me, but I didn’t want to be protected. So when my doctor in Tulsa suggested I seek admission into a treatment facility I jumped at the chance. I had to escape the pressure.” Payton’s blue eyes were wild when they met Jeanette’s, “Do you know what it’s like being surrounded by men who think they know what’s best for you? Men who are determined to protect you from everything in the world?”

“No. I don’t. Tell me.”

“It’s suffocating, and exhausting. I was always having to reassure someone that I was fine, and that I could live my own life. Damn it, all I wanted was to forge my own path and prove to all of them that I was just as strong as they were.” Payton dropped her head into her hands, her fiery copper hair obscuring the view of her profile from Jeanette. As tempted as she was to comfort the woman, she knew that to do so would only reinforce the idea that she wasn’t good enough, and that wouldn’t help matters. So she waited silently for Payton to continue her story, or shut down again. It didn’t take long. “Sorry Doc, I think I need to go lie down. My hip’s killing me.”

Payton rose to her feet, and leaned heavily on her walking cane.

“That’s fine, I think we made some progress today.” Jeanette told her, following her to the door. “How about we skip tomorrow’s appointment and we’ll resume next week, after the holiday.”

Payton looked so relieved that Jeanette thought for one second that she was going to hug her. “Yeah, that’s great. I’ll see you around.”

She shut the door behind the proud woman, telling herself that she wasn’t a bad person for putting her through the turmoil that these appointments brought emotionally. It was one of the hardest parts of the job, and she was such an empathetic person that she suffered with her patients when they went through it.

A half hour later, she’d finished inputting her notes in Payton’s file and devoured a chocolate bar and a half when someone knocked on her office door. A quick glance out the window at the snow that was coming down fast and furious made her a bit nervous about a strange visitor, but she pulled the door open anyway. To her surprise, Destiny stood on her back stoop, bundled up so that only her face was exposed to the bitter cold air.

“Hey Jeanette, can I come in for a minute?”

Jeanette stepped back and held the door open. “Of course. Is everything okay?”

Destiny pulled her hood back, and Jeanette’s eyes roamed over her, looking for any sign of an immediate health issue. “Everything is fine. I just needed someone to talk to, and Franki is wrapping presents with Lacy right now. Am I interrupting anything?”

“Nope, I was just considering fixing myself some hot chocolate and popcorn and watching a movie. Want to join me?”

The smile that spread over Destiny’s face was priceless, and Jeanette led the way into the other side of the cabin. “I was thinking about watching
Maid In Manhattan
, or maybe
10 Things I Hate About You
. Pick your poison.”

“Oh I’m a Heath Ledger fan, so that’s an easy choice,” Destiny said with a giggle. “Can I help?”

“Nope, it will just take a couple of minutes in the microwave. While we wait, you can tell me what’s going on.”

Jeanette shoved the popcorn bag in and hit the button so that it would start cooking before she filled the teakettle and set it on the stove burner to warm. Destiny still hadn’t begun speaking when she’d finished, but she forced herself not to push.

“I think I’m having a mental breakdown,” Destiny finally said in a rush of air.