Hawke's Salvation (8 page)

A
week later
, Hawke was no closer to understanding Jeanette. They’d spent every night together in her bed, and every morning, he’d had to sneak out just before dawn so that none of the ranch hands discovered their secret. He was on the verge of exploding with happiness, and he wanted to share it with the world, but she avoided it at every turn.

He’d nearly reached his breaking point last night when Vin had banged on Jeanette’s front door just after three in the morning because Payton was having a PTSD episode and needed her. She’d pushed him back into the bedroom while she answered the door, and that was unacceptable in his book. Unfortunately, he hadn’t had a chance to discuss it with her because she’d spent the rest of the night with Payton in her cabin. He’d been left to straighten and lock up Jeanette’s cabin for her before sneaking back to his own once again.

“Morning, Hawke.” Lauren greeted him as they passed each other. She was way too cheerful for someone who’d been awake in the middle of the night.

He grumbled out some form of greeting and fumbled at the coffee pot until he held a large mug of the delicious brew. By his second cup, he was feeling slightly more sociable, but judging by the laughter and chatter in the dining room, he was nowhere near ready for his family. He was just opening the back door to leave when Jeanette and Payton entered the kitchen from the other direction.

“Hey, Hawke,” Jeanette said, giving him a sweet smile that made his insides melt. “Did you get some breakfast? Lauren made biscuits and gravy this morning, and it’s to die for.”

“Nah, I’m not hungry.” He surveyed Payton’s face, noting the dark circles under her eyes and the tight lines around her mouth. “How are you feeling this morning Payton?”

The woman jerked in surprise. “Does everyone know? Jesus Christ. This place is worse than junior high. I’m fine.”

“Sorry I asked,” Hawke growled back, slamming out the back door without another word. He knew he was being childish, but his emotions were such a jumbled mess that he couldn’t seem to control himself.

He’d just checked in on the second crew of ranch hands when he felt Jeanette’s presence in the riding arena behind him. He knew it was her by the way his skin tingled when she was close, and the soft fragrance on the air that was purely Jeanette.

“Hawke? Do you have a minute?”

Daniel, his ranch foreman, lifted an eyebrow at him, but didn’t question it when Hawke cut their conversation short and turned to face Jeanette. “What is it?”

A look of hurt crossed her face, and then her chin jutted forward, and her dark eyes narrowed. “What’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem.”

“Oh I see, so you’re just acting like a four-year-old for general purposes?” When he didn’t respond, she crossed her arms over her chest and cocked her head. “Is this because I didn’t come back last night? I had to deal with my patient, Hawke. It’s my job.”

“I know that. It’s fine. I’m fine. I need to get back to work.”

“You and I both know you’re not fine. Tell me what’s going on.”

“Is that your professional opinion, Doc? Because I don’t need a shrink to tell me that the woman I’m sleeping with is ashamed to be seen with me,” he declared. He regretted the words the moment they spilled from his lips but he couldn’t take them back. The worst part was the pity he saw in her eyes before she spoke.

“Oh Hawke, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I’m not ashamed to be seen with you. I told you, I just don’t want us to impact my professional life.”

“Professional life? You have one motherfucking patient! How the hell is having a boyfriend going to impact that?” He spun away, jamming his fists in his pockets in frustration. He couldn’t put words to the feelings coursing through him. He was hurt, and angry, and bitter over the whole thing. Why couldn’t she understand that?’

“A boyfriend?” she murmured. “I didn’t...I mean…we haven’t talked about that. I thought we were both just having fun…”

“We are having fun, but the way I was raised, when you’re having fun exclusively with someone it’s called a
relationship
.”

Jeanette nodded. “Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry. I should have never let it get this far. Thank you for pointing out my mistake.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“It means I had a lapse in judgment when I allowed this whole thing to begin in the first place. Now I must take a corrective course of action.”

“In English please?” He knew what she was trying to say, but he needed to hear her say it straight out.

“I’m ending this before either one of us gets hurt,” she said, lifting her hands as if she was physically passing him a ball of responsibility. He stared into her dark eyes, absorbing what she’d said, and wanting so badly to kiss the stupid conversation out of her mind. Instead, he nodded, and turned away.

“Bit too late for that, Doc. See ya around.” He moved as quickly as he could in the opposite direction. He needed space to breathe. He couldn’t believe he’d just fucked up the best thing that had ever happened to him.

J
eanette’s throat
was tight with a ball of emotion. She hadn’t expected this to happen, but she should have. As much as Hawke hid behind laughter and jokes, he was a very sensitive soul. The last seven nights had been bliss, yet every morning she awoke with the same questions and confusion. As great as Hawke was as a person, she couldn’t see how he could be anything more in her life. They were polar opposites, and they’d never be able to make things work long term.

She repeated the whole diatribe over again and again as she went through the morning, trying hard to convince herself that what had happened was for the best. Sadly, the harder she tried not to think about it, the clearer it became that she’d made a big mistake.

“Hey, Jeanette, would you be willing to do me a big favor?” Nolan appeared in the doorway of the family room where she’d been organizing some old files of foster children for Drannon. At six foot five, with rich, chocolate brown skin, and light hazel eyes, Nolan was an extremely good-looking man, and Todd, was an absolute angel.

“Of course, what’s up?” she responded, grinning at Todd who was slobbering on a stuffed rabbit toy.

“I need to do some Christmas shopping.” Nolan gestured with his head to his son. “But I can’t exactly take short-stuff with me. Would you mind babysitting for a couple of hours? I just want to go into Montford and see what I can find while the roads are still drivable.”

“Sure! I’d love to watch Todd.” She rose from the couch, pushing the files into a pile before she went over and held out her hands to the baby. “We can eat Cheeto’s and watch Elmo together, isn’t that right Todd?”

“Thank you, I can’t even tell you how much I appreciate it. He’s already had lunch, and he should get sleepy soon. There’s a bottle made up in the fridge that he can have when he’s ready for a nap if he needs it. Hopefully, I’ll be back before he wakes up.”

“Take your time. I don’t get much time with babies, and besides, Lacy and Marilyn are around here somewhere if I have any questions.” She buried her nose against Todd’s temple, inhaling his baby fresh scent. She’d never really had much of an urge to be a mom, but there was something special about the happy little boy that made her crave it just a little.

“You have my cell number, right?” When she nodded, Nolan bent and kissed the top of his sons head. “I’ll see you soon munchkin. Be good for Jeanette.”

Todd just gurgled into the slobbery toy and smiled, his big, blue eyes staring up at his father adoringly. Jeanette settled in with Todd on a blanket on the floor of the family room, playing with toys, and singing silly songs until he began to grow fussy.

“Are you getting tired little man?” She scooped him up, carried him into the kitchen, and pulled the bottle from the fridge. She tried to give it to the baby, but after a few sucks, he pushed it away, fussing even louder. “What’s the matter? Your daddy said you would want this at naptime.”

The back door opened, and to Jeanette’s dismay, Hawke came through the door. He carried his hat in his hands, and she noted instantly that it was mashed up and had blood on it. Hawke lifted his head, and she could see blood streaming down the side of his face.

“Oh, my God, Hawke! Are you okay?” she exclaimed over the fussing child in her arms. “What happened?”

“It’s nothing, just a small scratch. I just need to clean up and find a Band-Aid.” He waved her off.

“That’s a lot of blood for a scratch. How did it happen?”

“Hoof to the head. Damn horse. Thankfully I saw it coming or she might have caved my skull in.” He continued walking toward the pantry where Marilyn kept a first aid kit, and Jeanette followed with Todd. “Why’s he crying like that?”

“He’s tired. I’m watching him for Nolan, and he said he would need a nap.” She put Todd in a high chair near the breakfast bar to free up her hands. He didn’t appreciate being put down at all, and his cries turned into screams of anger. She gave him a puffed cereal treat from a box on the counter, and that seemed to appease him for a moment, giving her time to address Hawke’s injury.

The semi-circular cut wasn’t deep, but it was bleeding profusely, so she took a hand towel and pressed it to the wound as Hawke was trying to open a white bandage pad and a large square Band-Aid.

“I’m not sure that will stick. The cut goes into your hairline. We might have to cut some of your hair to make it work.” She peered at the injury like she was a surgeon instead of a psychiatrist.

“I am not letting you cut my hair. I’ve been growing it for damn near ten years,” he grumbled.

“Would you rather I just let this bleed?”

He was quiet for a moment and then he huffed, “Fine, but take as little as possible, please?”

“Believe it or not, I love your hair. I wouldn’t cut it if it wasn’t necessary,” she assured him before going to the sink to wet a cloth.

“You do?” He looked so surprised she laughed.

“Like you never noticed me tangling my fingers in it?”

His lips curled up in a wicked smirk that made her heart lurch in her chest. “Well sure, but I guess I didn’t think that meant you liked it so much as it made a good handhold.”

Todd screamed out and tossed his hands in the air, scattering cereal everywhere and interrupting the moment. Hawke’s grin disappeared, and Jeanette focused on helping him clean up as quickly as she could. In the end, she had to take only a few small tufts of hair to bare enough skin for the bandage to hold.

“There, I don’t even think it will be noticeable once it heals,” she announced, patting the bandage gently. “You should probably take it easy the rest of the day, though.”

“Yeah, I know. This ain’t my first injury, Doc.” He tipped his head and stared up at her. She could see the longing and need in the green depths of his eyes, and she wanted so badly to rewrite the last few hours between them.

“Hawke, about this morning…”

Once again, Todd’s timing was imperfectly perfect. He’d had enough of sitting still, and his sleepy eyes filled with tears as he began to squall.

“Aw, come on munchkin, what’s all that about? Do you just need a little cuddle so you can get to sleep?” Hawke rose and scooped the baby from his highchair, nuzzling him and bouncing him until his cries eased some. “There ya go, let’s find your bottle. I’m sure Aunty Jeanette has one around here somewhere for you.”

“Right there next to the cereal,” she offered, snapping the lid closed on the first aid kit and putting it away. She returned to find Hawke and Todd standing before the microwave. “What are you doing?”

“Warming up his bottle, what does it look like?”

“Of course! That makes total sense.”

Hawke gave her a strange look. “I tried to give him the bottle before you came in, but he pushed it away. It was still cold. I didn’t think to warm it up.” She felt both stupid and relieved to know why Todd had rejected her earlier.

“Yeah, cold milk will give him a bellyache. Especially right before going to sleep,” Hawke said with a laugh. “Besides, Todd here is just a bit spoiled lately. Something about having all these ladies around here doting on him. Ain’t that right, little man?”

“You know a lot about babies?” she asked, watching in awe as the cowboy turned into the baby whisperer in an instant.

“Some. There were always babies around here when I was younger. I like kids.” He shrugged, “Sera used to say I had a knack for making them smile.”

“I’ve noticed you have that same talent with women,” she teased. His smile faded, and he shook his head but didn’t respond. Awkwardly, Jeanette followed him back to the family room where he settled into a comfy chair with Todd in his arms, sucking on the bottle.

“Hawke, I wanted to say I’m sorry. About this morning, I didn’t mean for it to come out the way it did.”

“You didn’t mean to tell me that sleeping with me was a mistake?”

“Uh, talk about bad timing,” Lacy said, stepping into the room with shopping bags in her hands. She looked guilty, and Jeanette tried not to react to their secret being exposed. “Sorry guys, I didn’t mean to interrupt. And I can keep a secret. I promise.”

Hawke snorted, and Jeanette realized how ridiculous the whole thing was. Smiling up at Lacy, she said, “No, don’t worry about it. It’s not a secret. Hawke and I have been seeing each other, but it’s very recent, so we’ve kept quiet.”

Lacy grinned and squealed, “That’s fantastic! You guys make an adorable couple. Or, at least you do when Hawke’s not wearing that bandage. What happened?”

“Hoof to the head,” he answered plainly, like it was an everyday occurrence.

Jeanette couldn’t bring herself to look at Hawke, so she just asked the question burning in her brain instead. “You don’t mind? I mean it’s kind of a conflict of interest because he’s my boss…”

“If it doesn’t interfere with your work, I don’t see a problem. I say live and let live…er…love? Anyways, I’m happy for both of you. Now, I need to go get started wrapping these gifts. I’ll see ya later.”

Jeanette waited until Lacy had disappeared to face Hawke, her stomach twisting in knots. He was watching her with a blank expression.