He Loves Me Not: Lily’s Story, Book 1 (20 page)

L
ater that afternoon
, after a grueling day of tests, I arrived home and had a quick snack before starting on another programming assignment. I knew it could be hours before I got it to work, so I settled in for the duration. Now that the semester was more than halfway over the assignments were getting harder.

I wish I could ask Justin for help, but that's one argument I don't want to start. With Trevor or Justin.

Instead I worked on my assignment for three hours before quitting for the day. I shut down my laptop, went to the couch and picked up my eReader, then started reading the novel I'd been trying to get through.

Immersed in the story, I was startled to hear a key turning in the front door. I smiled as Trevor entered, but my happiness quickly died at the scowl on his face. “Hi, honey,” I said as I stood and walked toward him. “How was your day?”

“Busy. I didn't even have time to eat lunch.” He tossed his coat on the couch and walked into the kitchen. “What's for dinner?”

Annoyed that he was ignoring me, I said, “I'm kind of tired myself. I don't really feel like making dinner. Why don't we go out?”

He turned to me, his nostrils flaring. “Go out? That costs money. Don't be so stinkin' lazy. Why can't you fix us something to eat?”

“Why can't you?” I nearly shouted, hurt by his name-calling.

He gripped my wrists, twisting them. “Don't talk to me like that. You need to learn to show me some respect.”

“Trevor! You're hurting me! Let go!” Tears filled my eyes.

He dropped my wrists as quickly as he’d grabbed them. “Maybe if you actually had to work you'd understand what being tired is.”

Fearful of angering him, I stayed silent. Not wanting him to see the distress he'd caused, I tried to blink away the wetness in my eyes.

“Well?” he asked.

“Well, what?” I nearly whispered.

“When are you going to start pulling your weight around here? You know, get a job?”

Baffled by his sudden desire for me to go to work, I said, “You know how important it is to me that I do well in my classes. If I got a job I wouldn't be able to spend as much time studying.”

“Lots of people work while they go to school and do just fine. I don't see what makes you so special.”

My chin trembled, but I tried to control my voice. “The money my father left me covers my schooling, and—” I hesitated. “And it covered my living expenses pretty well before you came along.” My heart pounded as I waited for his reaction.

His lips flattened. “How long do you think you could’ve lived like this without getting a job?” His head tilted. “And that's another thing. Why do you keep that money in a separate account? Don't you trust me?”

In truth, I
didn't
trust him with my inheritance. “It's not that. It's just that it's earmarked for my schooling. I need to keep it separate so it doesn't get spent on anything else.”

“Don't you think I should at least have my name on the account too? I am your husband, after all.”

I wanted to smooth over this argument and steer him away from the topic of my savings. I stepped toward him and rubbed his arm. “Yes, you are my husband and I love you. Can't we stop fighting?”

His expression softened slightly. “I guess so.”

“I'll make us some dinner,” I said as I walked toward the kitchen.

He followed me and leaned against the counter. “It really would be nice if you could make dinner more often.”

I set some vegetables on the cutting board and pulled out a knife.

“You’ve been home for hours,” he said. “How could you be tired?”

I stared at him. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me.”

Frustrated at the undeserved criticism, my voice rose in volume. “I may have 'been home for hours', but I've been doing homework. You remember what that is, don't you?”

He straightened and stared at me with narrowed eyes. “What's that supposed to mean?”

“You know exactly what I mean. You should be in school too, working toward something better.”

Trevor’s jaw clenched, and as he gazed at me, his expression hardened. “One of us needs to earn a living, and since you obviously have no intention of doing that, it looks like it's up to me.”

I flinched, hurt by his charges. “Are you saying I'm holding you back?”

“No. But it would be nice if you could earn some money too.”

Fixing my gaze on the vegetables, I picked up the knife and began slicing the carrots, then softly said, “Maybe I am holding you back. Maybe this marriage was a mistake.”

“What did you say?” His voice had gone cold.

I lifted my eyes to meet his, and forced my voice to remain steady. “I said maybe we shouldn't have gotten married.”

His hand shot out and grabbed my arm, the one holding the knife. He forced the blade to point in my direction, and when he spoke, his voice was unnaturally quiet and calm. “I don't ever want to hear you say that again. Do I make myself clear?”

Nausea rose in my throat. “Yes, Trevor,” I whispered.

“Good.” He let go of my wrist. “I'm going to watch TV. Let me know when dinner's ready.”

Though my appetite had vanished, I managed to finish making dinner, and at the dinner table I picked at my food while Trevor ate two helpings.

When he reached for my arm and gently stroked it, I tried to keep from flinching.

“I'm sorry about earlier, Lily. It's just that the thought of you leaving me makes me crazy. I love you so much. I can't live without you.” He gazed at me. “Can't you understand?”

Swallowing my revulsion, I nodded.

He didn't seem to notice my hesitation. “Do you remember when you moved here and you didn't tell me where you'd gone?” He stopped stroking my arm and just rested his hand there.

“Yes,” I said, beginning to wish I’d broken up with him then.

“You should have seen me.” He laughed. “I think I scared my roommate. I was freaking out when I couldn't find you. I was so relieved when you called me.”

His grip on my arm subtly tightened. “At first I thought you'd run off with someone else. Maybe Justin Radford. But then I realized you really didn't have anywhere to go, what with your family gone and everything.”

Glancing at his hand on my arm, I tried to keep my expression neutral.

Is this the same man I fell in love with?

I remembered comments Alyssa had made, about not knowing him very long or very well, and realized it was true. I didn't know him at all.

He let go of my arm and sat back in his chair. “I don't know what I was so worried about. I mean, here you are, married to me. You're not going anywhere.”

That was the moment I started planning my escape.

T
he next day
after my last class finished I filled up my gas tank and went for a long drive. I needed time to think. Conflicted about whether to leave Trevor or give him one more chance, I wanted to stay long enough to finish the semester. There were only a few weeks until finals and I was determined to complete my classes. However, I did allow myself to think about where I would go if I decided to leave.

That evening I made a nice dinner for Trevor and put a candle on the table to set a softer mood—before I'd left for school that morning he'd promised he’d be home by six o'clock. I was pleased when he actually arrived home on time.

“Mmmm. It smells good in here.” He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my neck.

It felt good to be in his arms and I hoped the previous evening had just been a mistake, that it wouldn't happen again.

“The table looks great too.” He pulled out his chair and sat. “What's the occasion?”

“No occasion. I just wanted to make dinner nice for you.” I set the casserole dish on the table and poured water from a pitcher into both of our glasses.

“Thank you, honey.”

As we chatted and ate, I began to relax and enjoy Trevor’s company.

“Where did you go today?” he asked, a pleasant smile on his face.

My stomach tightened. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I was getting something out of your car and I noticed you'd put about two hundred miles on it since yesterday.”

My mouth fell open. “You were checking my miles?”

“You didn't answer my question,” he said, still smiling.

“I just went on a drive. Nowhere special.” I sipped my water, nervous now that he was keeping tabs on my whereabouts.

“Do you do that very often?” His smile had faded.

“No. This was the first time, as a matter of fact.” I hesitated. “Is there something wrong with taking a drive?”

“That depends. Were you by yourself?”

“Of course. Who would I be with?”

“I don't know. You tell me.” The earlier warmth had left his eyes.

“I wouldn't be with anyone.” I wasn't sure what else to tell him—I didn't want him to suspect my possible plans.

“So what made you decide to take a drive today?”

“I guess I've just been stressed about my classes and I needed to go somewhere and not think about school for a while.”

Nodding, he said, “Okay. I guess that makes sense.” He paused. “I expect you'll take the cost of the gas out of your little school account and not out of our regular budget then.”

“Of course, Trevor.”

He smiled again as he picked up his fork and continued eating. “I've enjoyed eating dinner with you, Lily. We should do this more often.” He wiped his mouth with his napkin. “I'll make a deal with you. If you have dinner ready at six o'clock every night, I'll make sure I'm home to eat with you.” He gazed at me. “How does that sound?”

After what had happened tonight and the night before, I was beginning to think I preferred eating dinner alone.

But if he's willing to make an effort, I should too.

“Okay.” I forced a smile on my face.

I went to bed early, leaving Trevor in front of the television. I hadn't felt well at dinner and hoped I wasn't coming down with the flu.

Over the next week Trevor was home by the promised time every night and I began enjoying our meals and actually looked forward to him coming home each night. However, by the end of the second week, Trevor’s old habit of coming home whenever he felt like it, which was usually late, returned, and I stopped making an effort at dinner. I figured he wouldn't notice since he was never there.

Then one evening he came home early and in a bad mood. He slammed the front door, tossed his keys on the counter, and flopped onto the couch before picking up the remote and flipping through the channels.

I’d been napping in the bedroom and was startled by the sound of the front door slamming. Groggy, I rubbed my eyes and pushed myself into a sitting position, then glanced at the clock and saw it was six-thirty. Slightly panicked, I tried to force myself to wake completely.

“Lily!”

“I'm right here,” I said, walking into the front room.

“Where's dinner? I'm starved.”

It's nice to see you too
.

“In case you haven't noticed,” I said, “you haven't held up your part of the deal.”

“So?” He looked at the TV as he continued channel surfing.

“So I've stopped having dinner ready for you.”

He set the remote down and stared at me. “You must be fixing something to eat. You're getting fat.”

I blanched. I knew I hadn't gained any weight. If anything, I'd lost a few pounds. “You might want to take a look in the mirror when you're saying that.”

Trevor sat up straighter, glanced at his stomach, and said with sarcasm, “I don't think so, sweetie.”

“I've already eaten. You can fix yourself something to eat.” I turned and walked back to the bedroom, closing the door behind me, careful to leave it unlocked.

A moment later Trevor stood in the doorway. “What were you doing in here when I got home? Sleeping?”

Sitting on the bed, I glanced at the blankets, noting the evidence of recent use.

“See what I mean?” Trevor said, a mean look on his face. “You're getting fat and lazy.”

Hurt by his words, I turned my back and gazed toward the night stand at a picture of the two of us on our wedding day.

A few minutes later the front door closed. I ran to look out the front window and saw Trevor driving away. Despair overwhelmed me and I sunk onto the couch cushions.

I don't think he even loves me.

Self-pity blossomed inside me.

How did this happen? Was I so lonely that I fell for the first man to cross my path?

I thought back to the first day of school only seven months before when I'd literally bumped into Trevor and fallen for him right then.

A short while later, exhausted, I went to bed, no closer to a decision then when the day had begun.

A
ll the next
day at school I felt sick. Unsure if it was from stress or if it could be something more, I decided to buy a pregnancy test. When I got home from the store I was glad Trevor wasn't home.

Carefully following the instructions, I stared at the stick, waiting for the results to appear, and uncertain what I wanted those results to be.

We’d been using birth control, but I knew no birth control method was one hundred percent effective.

A pregnancy would certainly complicate things. But a baby! Someone to love and hold who would love me back.

My thoughts drifted to the mother I barely remembered, and sadness washed over me. Trying to push the feeling away, my gaze shifted to the pregnancy test. The result was in, and I blinked, trying to clear my vision and verify what I thought I saw. Picking up the stick, I stared at the plus sign.

I'm pregnant.

I gently stroked my abdomen.

There's a baby inside me.

Warmth cascaded over me as I pictured the child Trevor and I had created.

Trevor. How will he react? Is this a sign? Telling me to try to make it work?

As I thought about the best way to break the news to Trevor I tried to imagine his reaction and had no idea how he would feel. When we’d discussed having children before we’d gotten married, he’d been vague about his interest. I'd taken it to mean children would be okay with him—although this was a little sooner than I'd planned.

I'll make a special dinner for him. It's two o'clock now, so that gives me four hours to create a gourmet meal.

Knowing there was a possibility that Trevor wouldn't be home at the right time, I decided to call him and let him know I had something special planned. I called his cell phone and was pleased when he answered right away.

“Hi. It's Lily.” I hesitated, wondering how he would react to me calling him—he’d told me once not to call while he was at work.

“Is something wrong? Why are you calling me?” Irritation was clear in his voice.

“I just wanted to let you know I have a special dinner planned. Do you think you can be here by six?”

He paused. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“Okay. I'll see you then.”

Trying not to let his gruff response spoil my happiness, I took out my one recipe book and pored over the recipes, searching for the perfect choice. After I found one I thought Trevor would like, and that I could make successfully, I wrote down the ingredients and went to the store.

Humming as I prepared the meal, I only felt nauseated enough to run to the bathroom once. I set the table with my mother's china, then stepped back and surveyed my work. Pleased with the result, I placed a pair of candles on the table and went into the kitchen to check on dinner.

The clock said I had only fifteen minutes until Trevor would be home. Excited at the news I was going to share with him, I could hardly keep the smile from my face as I changed into an outfit I knew Trevor liked.

At exactly six o'clock I set all the food on the table and went to the window, watching for Trevor’s arrival. As the minutes ticked by, I worried my fancy meal would get cold before he got home. At six-thirty I began pacing, wondering if he’d forgotten. At seven I sat at the table and ate a few bites before running to the bathroom and throwing it all up.

Furious at Trevor for having skipped this important night, I didn't even bother to clean up and left the food on the table. I considered trying to get in touch with him but decided if I wasn't important enough for him to remember on his own, I wasn't going to be a nag and remind him to come home.

By ten o'clock my anger had built to the point that I wanted to confront him about his thoughtlessness. Though exhausted, I stayed on the couch, forcing myself to stay awake for his return. I turned on the news to keep myself occupied, then turned up the volume as the news anchor started speaking.

“Tonight's top story is the recent rash of car thefts here in Reno. We first reported several months ago that the rate of car thefts had increased dramatically and then seemed to drop off. However, the problem has started to grow once again.”

I began falling asleep as the news anchor droned on. Curled up on the couch, I drifted in and out of sleep as I listened for Trevor’s key in the lock. When I finally heard it, I jerked awake and looked at the clock on my cell phone. It was nearly one o'clock in the morning.

Quickly turning off the TV, I sat up on the couch and tried to collect my thoughts as I watched Trevor step into the room. He didn't notice me as he closed the front door, and I watched him as he stepped toward the table, which was still covered with the food I'd prepared that evening. He picked up a serving spoon and scooped up some of the entrée. Taking a small bite, he quickly pulled the spoon away and muttered, “Cold.”

“It was hot at six o'clock,” I said as I stood next to the couch.

Trevor spun around, dropping the spoon. “What are you doing up?”

“Waiting for you. Did you forget about the special meal I'd planned?”

He blinked quickly. “What are you talking about?”

“Did you or did you not tell me you would be home at six tonight?”

“When did I supposedly tell you that?”

Exasperated, I shook my head. “When I spoke to you at two o'clock. I said I was making a special meal and you agreed you'd be home by six. Does that ring any bells?”

A light came on in his eyes. “Oh yeah. I guess I got busy and forgot.” He walked toward me. “What was so special about this meal?”

As he came close to me, the odor of alcohol emanated from him. I recoiled. “Have you been drinking?”

He wiped his hand across his mouth as if he could wipe away the smell, but he didn't answer me.

“I asked you a question,” I said, my happiness at my pregnancy forgotten.

“You're not my mother,” he spat in my direction. “I don't have to answer to you.”

Disappointment that he obviously had no intention of cutting back on his drinking stabbed at my heart, and my hope that we could make this marriage work diminished.

But what about the baby? Doesn't our baby deserve a mother and a father?

Conflicted, I tried to reason with him. “No, you don't have to answer to me, but do you really want to live your life this way?”

“What 'way'? I like my life just fine. It's only you that makes things difficult. You're always nagging me.”

“Maybe if you acted like an adult I wouldn't have to nag you.”

He stepped right in front of me and glowered at me. “I think you'd better watch what you say, Lily, before you say something you regret.”

Fear rolled up my spine, but I didn't let it stop me from speaking. I later wondered if it had been some kind of test to see how far Trevor would go. “Maybe I should call your parents and break the news to them that their golden boy is tarnished.”

He shoved me so hard that I fell backward over the coffee table and twisted my back as I landed against the side of the couch.

“You're useless,” he snarled as he left me lying on the ground and went into the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

My first thought was for my baby. I pressed my hand against my flat stomach as a fierce protectiveness replaced the fear I’d felt before.

I absolutely will not raise my child around that man.

I dragged my aching body onto the couch, then dropped my face into my hands and forced the tears to stay away. A moment later I gingerly stood and reached for the pair of shoes I’d left near the side of the couch. Slipping them on, I glanced toward the desk and was grateful to see my purse there.

I looked through it to make sure my wallet, keys, and cell phone were there, then I unplugged my laptop and put it in its carrying bag. I grabbed my coat from the hall closet, snaked my arms through the sleeves, then put the computer bag and purse over my shoulder, and walked out the front door.

It was one thirty in the morning and I didn't know where I should go. I considered going to Alyssa's house but didn't want to wake her. Instead I drove to a hotel far from my house and checked in, then lay awake most of the night, wondering what I should do next.