He Loves Me Not: Lily’s Story, Book 1 (17 page)

“
C
an I borrow your notes
?” Justin asked me as we waited for class to begin. “The professor moved on before I was able to get it all down.”

I laughed. “I know what you mean. Good thing I write fast.” I pulled out my notes from the previous class and handed them to him.

“I'll get these back to you before the test.”

At home that afternoon I was working on a new programming project when there was a knock at the door. It was Justin. He held the borrowed notes. “I'm getting these back to you before the test, just like I promised.”

I took the notes and thanked him. “Do you know Java by any chance?” I knew he would be graduating with a degree in computer science.

“I sure do. Why? Do you need some help?”

“Yes. This program is due in a couple of days and I just can't get it to work.” I opened the door wider for him to enter.

He stepped inside and followed me to the desk where my laptop was set up. “Let me see the assignment.”

I handed him the paper that told what the program was required to do.

He looked at it before sitting in front of my computer and looking over my work, then he glanced up at me and pointed to the screen. “You need to move this line down here, and then put this one inside the loop.”

I nodded, beginning to see what I'd done wrong. “Thank you, Justin. I've been staring at that screen for so long that I couldn't see what I was doing wrong.”

Justin glanced at his watch. “I'd better get going. I have a study group in a few minutes.” He stood and walked to the door. “Thanks again for the notes.”

I smiled. “Anytime. And thank you so much for your help.” I shut the door behind him and immediately went back to my program. I made the changes Justin had suggested and ran the program. It worked perfectly.

Trevor came home later that afternoon, and after greeting me, headed straight to the shower. I finished up some assignments, then went into our bedroom to wait for him to emerge from the bathroom.

“How's school going?” he asked, his freshly washed hair sticking up in places.

I laughed. “I think you missed a spot.” I reached up and smoothed his hair into place.

Trevor grabbed my hand, a grin on his face, and held me close. “Do you have any plans tonight?”

“No,” I said, returning his smile.

“Neither do I,” he said, his voice husky, then his lips met mine. We kissed deeply for several moments before he pushed me onto the bed and began unbuttoning my blouse.

My cell phone rang, breaking the mood. “I’ll get it,” he said, then he grabbed my phone off the bedside table before I could respond. “Hello?” Frowning intensely, he held the phone out to me. “It's for you, Lily.”

Surprised by Trevor’s disapproving look, I took the phone from his hand. “Hello?”

“Hi,” the voice announced cheerfully. “It's Justin.”

“Hi, Justin.” I felt extremely uncomfortable having my husband watch me, and when I glanced at the expression on his face, it had turned from disapproval to open fury. My heart pounded, and trying to keep my voice steady, I said, “What can I do for you?”

“I was just wondering if you got your program to work. I didn't have time to stay and make sure my suggestions were correct.” His voice sounded friendly and natural, a sharp contrast to how I was feeling.

“Yes, it worked perfectly. Thanks again for your help.” I was terrified to look at Trevor’s face. “I've got to go now, but thanks for calling.”

“Okay. I'll see you in class.”

I hung up, my face flushed as I turned toward my husband.

His jaw clenched and unclenched. “Why is Justin Radford calling you, Lily?”

I knew the best course of action would be to tell the truth, but as little of it as possible. “He . . . he . . . uh . . . helped me with one of my programs today. I was having trouble getting it to work and he told me what I'd done wrong. It works fine now,” I finished weakly.

“Well, gee, I'm so glad he could help out my
wife
.” His lips had pulled away from his bared teeth.

Angry at his unreasonable response, yet terrified, I tried to put a positive spin on it. “Think of it this way, Trevor. Since I finished my program I have more time to spend with you.” I tried to laugh. “I mean, it could've taken me hours to figure out what I’d done wrong.”

He seemed slightly mollified, but then his eyebrows drew together. “I thought you weren't going to spend time in the computer lab. You said you were only going to work on your programs on your own computer.”

Trapped by a circumstance that was not of my doing, I scrambled for an explanation.

If I admit I was working on my computer he’ll know Justin has been in our home.

My mouth went dry as I tried to form the lie I knew I had to tell. I tried to maintain eye contact as I spoke, knowing that would help convince him that I was being honest. “You're right, Trevor,” I started.

His fury was instant. “What?!”

“Wait, wait,” I quickly went on, my heart racing and my arms waving in self-defense. “Let me finish.”

He stared at me, his blue eyes like ice.

“I
was
planning on only working on my computer, but I was having so much trouble that I decided to take it to the lab and see if one of the lab assistants could help me out.”

The ice in his eyes melted a little. “So now Justin works in the lab?”

“Not exactly.” I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans. “He just happened to be in there when I went in. All the lab assistants were busy so I asked him to help me.” I smiled tentatively.

Please believe me, please believe me.

He smiled and reached for my hands and I placed them within his larger ones, hopeful he was okay with my story. His smile vanished. “I seem to recall telling you to stay away from him.” His grip tightened and my hands began to ache.

“You're hurting me, Trevor.” I tried to pull my hands out of his stronger ones. “Please let go.” Tears of pain filled my eyes and streamed down my cheeks. “Please, Trevor,” I whispered.

He let go abruptly and my hands fell to my lap. I massaged them, trying to relieve the pain. He lifted my chin with one finger, making me look into his eyes. “Do I make myself clear?”

I nodded.

There was no way I would tell him that Justin and I had a class together.

W
hen I woke
the next morning my hands were still sore. I gently massaged them before slinging my backpack over my shoulder and leaving for school.

On the drive over I thought about Trevor’s anger over Justin.

Why did he react that way? Does he think I would be unfaithful with Justin? If he does, then he doesn't know me at all. Justin's a good friend, that's all.

Though I knew the truth about my feelings, I wasn’t sure if Trevor would believe it.

Maybe he lacks confidence. Maybe if I could somehow give him more attention he would be sure of my love for him and only him.

Regardless, I knew it was imperative to convey to Justin the importance of never calling or stopping by again.
Ever
. I had class with him that morning. I would tell him then.

As I entered the classroom I saw Justin and slid into the seat beside him, then I spoke in a near whisper. “I need to talk to you, Justin.”

“What's wrong, Lily?” He looked at my face closely.

“Nothing's wrong,” I said, then I cleared my throat, uncomfortable with the message I needed to deliver. “I . . . uh . . . please don't call me again.” I looked at him with pleading eyes, praying he would understand the importance of my message and not question it.

“Why not?”

“Please, don't ask. Just don't call again.” At the hurt in his eyes, I inwardly winced.

“I suppose you don't want me stopping by either.”

I smiled in relief at his statement. “Yes. Especially don't come over.”

“Boy, Lily, you really know how to make a guy feel wanted.” He shoved his books into his backpack. “I thought we were becoming friends. I guess I assumed too much.”

Though I'd hoped he wouldn't be offended by my request, I wasn’t about to explain that my husband, the man I'd chosen over him, was the cause of the appeal. I was too ashamed at the way Trevor had reacted the previous evening.

It’s my own fault. I never should have allowed Justin to come in when Trevor wasn’t there. It just wasn’t right.

Justin stood and tossed the backpack over his shoulder, then moved to a seat in the back of the room. I glanced at the few other students who were there and saw them watching Justin and me with questioning looks on their faces. I ignored them and tried to swallow over the lump that had formed in my throat.

It's for the best. It's not right for me to become friends with another man now that I'm married.

“
D
id you see Justin today
?” Trevor asked that evening.

I shook my head, trying to avoid his eyes.

“That's my girl.” He drew me into his arms and held me tight, then he nuzzled my neck before looking in my eyes. “Try to understand, Lily.”

I watched him, listening.

“I just love you so much. I can't stand the thought of you spending even one minute with another man.” He laughed, but it didn't sound natural. “Even thinking about it makes me crazy. Can you understand that?”

I tried to put myself in Trevor’s shoes—I wanted desperately to understand him and the way he reacted to things. I pictured him with Amanda from our Sociology class and felt a flash of jealousy so strong that I had to briefly close my eyes. I nodded. “Yes, Trevor. I think so.”

“Good.” He pulled me back against him.

T
he next morning
I was surprised to see that Trevor was already up and dressed as I was just waking up.

“Good morning, sleepyhead,” he said as he leaned over me.

I smiled up at him. “Why are you up so early today?”

He gazed down at me, his blue eyes sparkling. “Rob needs me to come in early today.”

“Oh.” I tossed the covers off and sat on the side of the bed.

Half an hour later, while I was eating a breakfast of toast and orange juice, Trevor kissed me good-bye and walked out the door.

A
s I left
the class I had with Justin, I glanced to the left and did a double-take as I saw the back of a student who looked suspiciously like Trevor. I almost called out, but then wondered if he’d been spying on me. Panic washed over me as I realized he would have seen that I had a class with Justin. But partial relief followed when I visualized the distance between where Justin had been sitting and where I'd sat.

Surely Trevor will know it’s not my fault that Justin’s in my class.

W
hen I walked
into the apartment after my classes had finished, I was exhausted. I'd had two mid-terms that day and was planning on taking a nap to rejuvenate before Trevor got home. I assumed he would be home early since he’d gone in earlier than normal, although I wondered how much time he’d taken to spy on me, if indeed that had been him I’d seen.

By four o'clock I'd finished my nap but Trevor still hadn't gotten home.

He sure is putting in a long day.

The thought made me feel guilty that I was just waking up from a long nap.

My phone rang a short time later.

“What's going on with you and Justin?” Alyssa asked without preamble.

“It's nice to hear from you, too,” I said, a frown on my face.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so abrupt, but I saw Justin today and he is really down in the dumps.”

My eyebrows furrowed. “Why would that have anything to do with me? I'm not the one dating him. Maybe you should be talking to Pamela.” Irritated that Alyssa was blaming me for Justin's demeanor, I frowned.

Alyssa sighed. “He said you basically blew him off the other day. He said you made it clear you didn't want to have anything to do with him.”

Oh, boy. How am I going to explain this to Alyssa without telling her about Trevor’s jealous reaction? Maybe I should just tell her the truth.

That thought was immediately squelched when I thought about how much Alyssa already didn't like Trevor. I didn't want to give her any more reasons to dislike him. “I didn't mean to blow him off. That wasn't my intention.”

“Intention or not, that's how he feels. He said you told him not to contact you in any way. What's up with that, Lily? Does Trevor have anything to do with this?”

Though I hadn’t liked Trevor’s reaction, after imagining how he’d felt, I’d decided I didn’t want to feel that way. “No, he doesn't. It was my decision.” And that was true. It had been my decision to tell Justin not to contact me anymore.

“Well, okay. I guess it's certainly your prerogative. I just hope Justin gets over it. He seemed pretty devastated.”

I squeezed my eyes closed, guilt crashing over me in waves. I hated the idea that something I'd done had caused another person pain. Opening my eyes, I glanced around the room I shared with Trevor.

I have to keep
him
forefront in my mind.
He's
the one whose feelings I need to place first.

“Look, Alyssa, I'd better go. I just wasted half the afternoon napping and now I need to get some homework done.”

“All right. I'll talk to you later.”

I hung up the phone, forcing all thoughts of Justin Radford out of my mind.

L
ater that evening
I looked up from the textbook I was reading as Trevor walked in the front door. I marked my place and set the book on the coffee table, then I stretched my arms over my head and smiled at Trevor as he came over and planted a kiss on my lips.

“You must be tired, Trevor. Sit on the floor and I'll massage your shoulders.”

He did as I asked and moaned with pleasure. “That feels so good.”

I moved my hands over his shoulders and back, squeezing and rubbing the spots I thought might be sore. “How's that?”

He smiled over his shoulder. “It feels great.”

“Do you want to go out to eat tonight?” I wasn't in the mood to do any cooking and hoped Trevor would say yes.

“I would, but I'm only here for a quick bite to eat, then I need to get back to the shop.”

My hands stopped moving. “What? You've been there all day. I think you deserve some time home with me.”

He twisted around to face me. “I know. But Rob's really getting behind.”

“Why doesn't he hire some more people then? It's not fair that you have to do all the work.”

Trevor got up from the floor to sit beside me on the couch. “It's not that often he needs me to come in at night. Besides, he pays me very well for my time.” Trevor smiled. “Doesn't that make it worth it?”

I tried not to frown. “I'd rather have you home.”

Trevor sighed. “I don't want to listen to your whining, Lily. I'm working my tail off and you don't seem to appreciate that.”

Hurt by his words, I stared at him.

He stood and walked toward the door. “I'll just grab something on my way back there. Don't wait up.”

The moment the front door slammed shut, tears filled my eyes. Though I knew it wasn't my fault he was mad, I still felt terrible that he’d left when he was angry with me.

I’ll give him some time to cool down and then I’ll stop by the shop with a treat for him.