Heights of Desire (3 page)

Chapter 3

I
’m standing in line at the grocery store when I feel someone staring at me. I look up and see one of the young baggers looking right at me. He smiles as if we know each other and I turn to look behind me to make sure he isn’t looking at someone else. When I turn back around he’s laughing at me. He’s a teenager, maybe eighteen at most. When I approach the checkout he’s still staring at me.

“You’re Kate, right?” he asks.

“I am,” I reply.

“You’re Jaylee’s girl,” he says without any irony.

Molten electricity pours into my veins at the mention of his name. I can feel the heat rising to my face and my heartbeat starts to quicken.

“Who are you?” I ask trying to sound casual.

“Jaylee’s my boy. My name is Oscar, but everybody calls me Flash.”

“Nice to meet you, Oscar – Flash,” I say.

I grab my groceries from him feeling embarrassed and confused. I manage to flag down a cab and crawl in the back with all of my bags. Since when have I ever felt ashamed of my groceries or by the need to feed my family? How would I have wanted to present myself? Am I self-conscious because of what I think he’ll tell Jaylee or am I now concerned about what all neighborhood thugs think of me?

Jaylee’s girl
. I can’t stop replaying it in my head. It makes me giddy. I’m drunk on these two words.
Jaylee’s girl
. I‘ve only truly spent time with him once. Nothing really happened between us, at least not on paper. I haven’t seen him in weeks, yet his friend calls me Jaylee’s girl. Does that mean he talks about me? I wish, more than anything, that I could know what it means to be his girl. By no stretch should I be called a girl. I think I was born twenty-odd years too early.

“What’s up, Mary Kay?” Sarah yells into the phone.

“Mary Kay?” I ask.

“Yeah. Letourneau. The OG Cougar. Seen the kid?” Sarah loves to inflict pain like this. She’s teasing, but she loves to push the boundaries and see if she can get a rise out of people. I’ve been on the receiving end ever since grammar school so her biting comments barely faze me.

“That’s why I called. He sent me a text.”

“You gave him your digits?” Sarah asks incredulously.

“No, that’s the thing. I have no idea how he got my number. I didn’t even tell him my last name. He knows where I live so maybe he looked it up that way?”

“What’s he want?”

“He asked me on a date,” I say.

“A date, huh?” Sarah says. “Ask him how he got your number. I want to hear this.”

“Right now?” I ask.

“Yeah, right now! Text your child bride! That’s how they communicate these days anyway. Get a tumblr account, old woman. You’re going to have to learn how to sext too. Maybe Joshua can teach you.”

“God, Sarah. You’re gross.”

“Oh,
I’m
gross. That’s why we’re here because
I’m
the gross one. Text him.”

Jaylee, this is Kate. How did you get my number?

I know it’s you. U lft ur phone on the tbl in the yard. I lifted it. U mind?

“He got my number from my phone. I left it in the back yard.”

“I guess that’s not too stalkery. I can’t believe he’s already been in your yard. Next it’s your pants. Ask him if he knows you’re married,” Sarah prods.

“He totally knows.”

“Ask him.”

Jaylee, you know that I’m married, right?

Sí

“He knows,” I say

“Ask him where he wants to take you on the date.”

“Jesus, Sarah! I feel like we’re in seventh grade right now. Why don’t you just talk to him for me.”

Where are we going on this date?

JERSEY- UNION CITY- U dance Salsa?

“Oh my God, he wants to take me dancing!” I haven’t been dancing in years. I love going dancing almost more than I love anything else. The idea of Jaylee dancing seems incredibly sexy. Irresistible. Nothing can make me not go dancing with this man.

“Kate, you still there?

“Mmmhmm.”

“You are such a goner. I’m sure you’ll call me later to help pick up the pieces so I’ll spare you the warnings, but I’m going heavy on the ‘I told you sos’ when this shit is over.”

“’Maybe this is the answer, Sarah. Maybe we can just be hot dance partners and we don’t even have to have sex.”

“Dream on, Kate. I know how this story ends.”

“Give me some credit, Sarah.
I
don’t know how it ends. You can’t start blaming me before anything even happens.”

I say goodbye to Sarah and quickly text Jaylee back.

Yes! I want to go dancing with you.

GR8! I’ll pick you up at 8 on Sat.

Between now and Saturday I’ll have to make the decision whether or not to tell Robert. If I tell him it seems more innocent, like Jaylee really is just my salsa partner. If I don’t tell him then I’m keeping it secret because Jaylee is much more than just a dance partner. I decide that I have to tell him. For all I know, it might be what this relationship turns into. The challenge will be telling Robert without giving away my true feelings for Jaylee. A challenge that’s much easier said than done, considering that just saying his name causes my blood pressure to rise and my face to flush.

Jaylee arrives an hour early for our date. Who arrives an hour early for a first date? Only a crazy person. I’m in the shower scrubbing my hair when Pearl knocks on the door.

“Mama, your friend is downstairs. He’s making a puzzle with Ada. Stephani isn’t here yet.”

Pearl tells me that Carmen let him in as she was leaving. That means Jaylee is the only one watching the girls now. I yank a comb through my tangled hair after jumping out of the shower, vowing to never go on a date again. Really? Who arrives early for a date? I slip into the only jeans I can call sexy and pull a silk, ruffled blouse over my head. I cram my lipstick and mascara into my purse hoping to find some time to discreetly put it on in the car. At the base of the stairs I jam my feet into my black ballet flats and follow the girl’s giggles into the living room.

Jaylee is spinning Ada by the feet and her face is beet red. She’s loving it. Pearl is doubled over in laughter, her face still red from her turn spinning. He looks up when I walk in and his amazing smile lights up the room, me and my daughters included.

“Hey,” he says, gingerly placing Ada standing up on the coffee table and coming over to kiss my cheek. His smell is intoxicating and his proximity makes me go tingly, everywhere.

“Hey,” I say beaming. It feels like such a relief to finally see him. All of the worrying and waiting, all of the longing wash away and are forgotten.

“Kate,” Jaylee says abruptly clapping his hands together. “You can’t wear that.”

Another dashing smile spreads across his face – this time at my expense.

I’m momentarily horrified, but equally as quickly reassured when our eyes meet.

“No jeans, baby.“

“For crying out loud! If you knew then why didn’t you text me? What am I supposed to wear? A dress? I can’t wear a dress!” I protest.

“Hey, hey,” is all he answers snapping his fingers and gesturing towards the stairs. He grabs the girl’s hands and ushers them forwards. “Let’s go help Mami get more pretty for dancing.”

“Yay!” Ada screams in delight and they run up the stairs with Jaylee in tow.

The next forty-five minutes consist of me going back at least two decades in my closet. Jaylee simply answers ‘shorter’ to every skirt I try on and the girls squeal with delight at this new game. When I’ve finally wedged myself into a black, stretchy mini that hasn’t seen the light of day since the early nineties, Jaylee nods approvingly. Next he lightly pushes me aside and strides into my closet to check out my shoes. Predictably, he chooses what Robert refers to as my ‘ho strollers’ and hands them to me looking thoroughly pleased with himself. I cringe.

“Jaylee, you want me to dance in those?” He responds with only a slow, seductive nod and his incredible smile. “What about my shirt?” I ask, trying to sidestep the heavy sexual tension between us.

“You’ good like that,” Jaylee answers referring to the black camisole I had on
under
my shirt.

“I can’t wear this. It’s an undershirt,” I say

“You look fucking hot, Kate,” Jaylee says and covers his mouth when I shoot him a look for swearing in front of the girls. “You look beautiful, I mean. You should dress like this all the time.”

I say nothing and smile like an idiot. It amazes me that Jaylee can say things to me that I know I would find offensive coming from anyone else. When I’m with him and surrounded by his warmth and charm, he can say anything and it makes me melt.

The doorbell rings and the girls jump off the bed yelling, “Stephani” and beeline for the stairs. I’m pulling my still damp hair into a ponytail when Jaylee rises from the bed, walks slowly over to me and wraps his arms around me from behind. My breath runs out of me and my heartbeat speeds to a gallop.

“No sabes cuánto lo he pensado.”

“No, pero yo también me he imaginado,” I answer quietly.

Jaylee whips me around to face him, his golden brown eyes wide in surprise.

“You speak Spanish?”

“I do,” I answer.

“But you’re not Spanish, are you?”

“No.”

“Fuck. That’s sexy,” Jaylee smiles. “What else?”

“Well, all of the Romance languages, French, Italian and Portuguese. My degree is in comparative literature. Do you . . .?
Nevermind,” I say feeling slightly embarrassed. Jaylee looks momentarily less than confident for the first time.

“I didn’t mean what other languages, Kate. I meant what else you hiding from me?” He shoves a hand into the pocket of his low-slung khakis. “I can tell you right now I’m not as smart as you.”

I’m speechless. I can’t think of how to explain to him that I don’t care if he’s educated or not, that I don’t want him to be, that I want him exactly as he is. I’m saved from trying to formulate a response because Stephani bursts through the door with Ada and Pearl following closely behind.

“Hey, Mrs. Champion. Can we order pizza? The girls. . .” Stephani trails off and her mouth stays open when she sees Jaylee standing by my bed. I guess most women react this way when they’re blindsided by Jaylee’s looks or maybe Stephani is scandalized to see a young man in my bedroom.

“Jaylee?” she says.

My heart sinks as heat rises to my face. Oh God. She
knows
him.

“Hey, Stephani. What’s up?” Jaylee says dryly.

Of course she knows him. They grew up in the same neighborhood. They’re probably the same age. God, they must have gone to school together. Terrible thoughts enter my mind about their history. Jaylee has slept with my sitter. He’s had sex with her or maybe her friends. She’s been in love with him, or even worse, he with her.

Jaylee moves protectively to my side. He slides his arm around my shoulder and I instinctively move away. Now I’m the one with my mouth hanging open.

“How do you two know each other?” Stephani says and I think I hear an accusatory tone, but I can’t be sure that it’s not just in my head. She’s certainly never seen me dressed like this before.

“Jaylee is my salsa dancing partner. We’re going dancing.”

The lie has no momentum. I feel defeated already. I no longer want to go dancing. It dawns on me that Jaylee and Stephani should be going out together while I stay home and order pizza with the girls. At this point it sounds so much better than embarking on a stupid date that could possibly ruin my life as I know it. Jaylee puts his hand in the middle of my back. I feel like he can hear my thoughts. His touch is simultaneously calming and electric.

“My credit card is in my purse downstairs. I’ll be right there.”

This is how I ask her to leave. Stephani takes the hint and brings the girls back downstairs. I turn to Jaylee, again with tears in my eyes.

“Don’t.”

It’s all he says to me. He takes my hand, I think it’s a gesture to comfort me but instead, he surprises me and grabs my ring finger. With remarkable agility, he wrestles off my wedding band and engagement ring. He smiles at me as he tosses them into the breast pocket of his white button-up shirt. Then he yanks me to his chest. My breath comes quickly again. I can’t kiss this man in my marital bedroom.

“Let’s go dance, Kate. Don’t overthink it.” His proximity is overwhelming. I can smell his scent, an intoxicating mix of cigarettes and cologne that I’ve already come to hunger for. He doesn’t try to kiss me. I’m shocked at his audacity but something about removing my rings releases me and I relax into his arms.

“Okay, let’s go.”

Chapter 4

I
’m glad Jaylee forced me to change clothes after I see how dressy the people standing in line for the small, unassuming salsa club are. A Cuban band is playing and I gather from the accents of those around me that the crowd is mostly Cuban as well. Once inside the venue strikes me as not being a typical hang out place for someone like Jaylee. It seems like the crowd is serious about both dancing and music. Jaylee ushers me over to the bar and orders two rum and cokes without asking me what I’d like to drink. I haven’t had an awful drink like that since high school. These days I only touch wine or beer, except for my recent encounter with brandy from the pantry. Jaylee pays and turns to face me. His eye contact seers through me and I place my arm on the bar to steady myself. It’s still surreal to be interacting with him. I’ve never experienced a connection so intense with anyone before. When he looks at me I become completely his, all else falls away and is forgotten. We could be standing at the epicenter of the apocalypse and I would still be captivated and held by these golden eyes. I’m doubtful that Jaylee could possibly feel the same way despite what Sarah told me. My guess is that he’s motivated by curiosity – curiosity and lust. How else could I hold the interest of this beautiful and confident young man? Deep down I know that if we sleep together both his lust and curiosity will be satisfied and I’ll be turned away, still longing for the powerful connection that’s driving me.

After a brief introduction the band starts up and the crowd begins to swarm the dance floor. Jaylee grabs my hand and leads me through the crowd until we’re up close to the musicians. He asks me if I dance Cuban or Puerto Rican Salsa. I’m taken aback and figure that I underestimated his seriousness.

“I dance New Yorican style, I guess,” I mumble. “Whatever it is that you dance in the clubs on the Lower East Side.”

Jaylee’s face breaks into his contagious smile. He tips his head back and laughs; it’s a raspy, delightful sound. “I’m just messing with you, Kate. Do whatever feels right. That’s how I play it.”

His statement sounds loaded and he lets me know that it is with his intense gaze that follows. His hand finds the small of my back and he winds the fingers of his other hand into mine. His hips meet mine and I can feel every contour of his hard, chiseled body against me. The fact that we’re the exact same height excites me in a way I never expected. With Jaylee so close we touch evenly – hip to hip, chest to chest and most importantly, eye to eye. It makes me feel like we’re equals and it’s incredibly sexy. There are infinite points of contact between our two bodies and only a thin layer of clothing to separate us. Jaylee smiles and laughs at me. He pulls me even closer and begins to move against my body.

The night flies by. The small bar in its entirety has transformed into a dance floor; all of the tables and chairs have been pushed aside to make more room. The heat and humidity coupled with syrupy drinks has gotten to me. I’m light headed and dizzy. I feel like I’m having an out of body experience. My desire for Jaylee is overwhelming. I’m not used to dealing with such an urgent need. I feel especially threatened because the whole thing looms with an expiration date, unknown as of yet, but still very real to me.

I tell Jaylee that I need to use the restroom and he accompanies me to the door and waits outside for me as he’s been doing all night. The gesture reminds me of clubbing with my girlfriends in college when we always went to the bathroom in pairs. I look into the mirror and study my sweaty face. My mascara has run, but my cheeks are red and my eyes look bright. I run cold water from the tap and cup it to my face and drink. New Jersey water tastes terrible. But it’s cold and it feels so good that I decide to wash my face. I grab a handful of the brown, scratchy paper towels and try to rub the transferred mascara from under my eyes.

“Kate?”

I turn and recognize an old friend, Claribel, washing her hands in another steel sink. She flaps the water drips off of her hands and kisses me on the cheek with a quick hug. I know Claribel from teaching together as adjuncts at the CUNY Graduate Center. She specializes in classical Italian Literature but she’s originally from Cuba. She’s always been a follower of the Cuban music scene in New Jersey. The last time we really hung out together was the summer before Pearl was born. We used to get coffee in between classes and sometimes catch dinner when Robert was stuck late at the office. We even went out salsa dancing together a few times since Robert refuses to dance and Claribel was single back in those days.

“Kate, it’s been ages! You look amazing. How are Robert and the girls?” Claribel asks.

It sounds so innocent the way she says it. She has no idea of the mess I’m in right now. I’d like to be able to keep it that way.

“Claribel, it’s been so long! I must look crazy,” I tell her. “I’m here with a friend.” The words gush out of me and I sound drunk even to myself. Claribel isn’t an idiot. She raises one eyebrow and then laughs hugging me.

“Are you drunk, Kate?” She asks.

“I drank a lot. Rum.” I make a screwed up face at her. “I’m here with a kid named Jaylee. He’s really just a friend,” I yell over the music.

I want it to sound convincing but it doesn’t and I can feel myself blushing.

“Well, introduce me and you can meet my boyfriend Santiago. He’s in our field. I met him at the conference in Buenos Aires last year and we moved in together three months later.” Claribel updates me on her new teaching position and what she’s been working on over the last few years. She’s been publishing like crazy and it seems pretty much a guarantee that she’ll get tenure. I tell her about Ada and Pearl and Robert because I really don’t have anything to say about myself.

Claribel looks surprised when I introduce her to Jaylee. I know what she’s thinking; in addition to being way too young for me, he’s really not my type. No one would look at us separately and ever imagine that we were here together. Magically, Jaylee works his charm and has her giggling seconds after their introductory kiss. Claribel’s boyfriend Santiago is gorgeous himself, in that scruffy Argentine way. He and Claribel appear to be madly in love with one another, and their joy is infectious. We hit the dance floor together and after a few songs Claribel suggests that we switch partners. I don’t want to let go of Jaylee, even for a second, let alone give him away to someone else. I force myself to accept graciously so that I don’t look like an overly possessive lunatic.
We’re just here to dance
, I have to remind myself.

It amazes me how much it turns me on to see Jaylee with his hands on another woman. I’m so mesmerized watching Jaylee and Claribel that I can barely keep from stepping all over Santiago’s feet. When Claribel’s back is to me, Jaylee locks eyes with me and winks. I swoon and feel like I can’t stand another moment away from his embrace. I know that I’m supposed to be a grown woman and a mother and a wife, but I feel like a teenager and it’s beyond exhilarating.

We part ways in the parking lot next to the salsa club. Claribel hugs me tight and makes me promise that I’ll call her. She shifts her feet and looks at the ground awkwardly.

“It’s none of my business, Kate, whatever’s going on between you and Robert. I just wanted to tell you that I think you look really happy. And with Jaylee, I can see why. I mean, he’s great – I don’t even know what I’m trying to say.”

I hug her tightly in response. I’m glad that she can see what I see in him, that I’m not alone in my wanton adoration.

She kisses me briskly on both cheeks and squeezes my hand. Jaylee and Santiago are exchanging phone numbers when we catch up to them. I can’t imagine what they could possibly have in common or why they’d ever want to call each other.

After we part ways with the couple Jaylee walks me to the passenger’s side of the car and turns me around to face him. In one swift movement he pushes me back against the car and presses his hips into mine. He’s so close I can smell the alcohol on his breath and I brace myself for his kiss. But Jaylee doesn’t kiss me. Instead he nuzzles his face into my neck and sighs.

“Kate?” Jaylee asks. “Do you want me?”

Oh God, Jaylee. Do I want you? Do you really have to ask? Want doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel about you. Of course I want you. It’s so much more complicated than that.

“What I mean is, do you want to be with me?” Jaylee asks again after my silence.

Does he mean sex? Is he talking about being his girlfriend? I want all of those things. Is he talking about forever? Because that’s what I’m thinking.

“Yes, I want you!” I exclaim. “I want you so badly it’s killing me. It’s ruining my life.”

Jaylee smiles, satisfied with my answer, presumably ignoring the part where I said he’s ruining my life. His face becomes docile and playful and he pushes his rock-solid erection into my thigh. He reaches around to cup my buttocks and slips his hand easily under the elastic waistband of my skirt. He probes tentatively between my legs and then gently slips two fingers inside me. I gasp audibly in both shock and raw pleasure.

“I’ll wait for you, Kate, but I’m not gonna wait forever. I’d love you if you were mine,” he murmurs into my ear.

Make love to me or love me?

I cannot believe that he has his fingers inside of me and that he still hasn’t kissed me. This might be the strangest sexual encounter I’ve ever had in my life. He releases me as quickly as he grabbed me, smacks my ass playfully and opens the car door for me.

Jaylee drives me home in complete silence except for the loud music vibrating the stereo. He makes a few phone calls and speaks quickly and quietly in Spanish. Back in the Heights, he parks at the top of my street away from the house and comes around to open the car door for me. He seems distracted and impatient. I figure it means he’s done with me. He mutters something about having to get the car back to his ‘boy’. I’m relieved to hear that it’s not his car. The decals and Dominican flag seat covers along with the air freshener trees had me doubting both myself and my sanity. Despite the fact the car is borrowed, I can’t fool myself into thinking that Jaylee’s car, if he had one, wouldn’t have the same aesthetic.

Jaylee kisses me platonically on the cheek.

“Bye, Kate.”

“Bye, Jaylee. Thanks,” I reply. I can’t bring myself to ask if he’ll call me or when we’ll see each other next. I can’t even manage to tell him what a great time I had tonight. I turn to go but Jaylee grabs my hand and pulls me around to face him again.

“Do me a favor, would you?”

“What?”
Anything. I’ll do it. Ask me.

“Don’t fuck him,” he says. It sounds more like a threat than a favor asked. He grabs my chin with his thumb and forefinger. He presses the pad of his thumb into the middle of my bottom lip and trails his forefinger down the centerline of my body, passing over my neck, between my breasts and over my belly. He stops his finger just below my navel and then looks up at me, his golden eyes burning. A shudder of pleasure and anticipation runs down my spine.

“All this that you feel. . . it’s for me. Don’t give it to him. Save it for me. That’s all.”

He gets back into the car, guns the motor and screeches away. As his taillights disappear around the corner I realize my engagement ring and wedding band are still in the front pocket of his shirt.

The porch light has been left on and I see a note taped to the glass on the inner door. It’s from Robert.

Kate,

Hope you had fun dancing. Stephani was asleep so I didn’t want to wake her – that plus I didn’t have any cash!

Yours, Robert

A sweet and sinking tenderness towards my husband floods my body. It’s true that Robert never carries cash but I suspect the real reason he left Stephani sleeping is his extreme sense of decency. He probably thought it was inappropriate for a grown man to wake a young girl. I guess Robert wins the moral high ground here; I just let a young man finger me in a parking lot in New Jersey.

I shake Stephani’s shoulder gently and she groans a few times and swats me away. She eventually rolls over and opens her eyes.

“Oh hey, Mrs. Champion, she says, rubbing her face.

She tells me that the girls were well behaved and that they went to bed on time. They spent the evening playing dress up in Pearl’s closet. I cringe thinking about where the inspiration for their game came from.

“Did you have fun with Jaylee?” Stephani asks.

“I did,” I reply.

I’m trying hard not to show how elated I feel. What I’d really like to do is grab her by the shoulders and make her tell me every last little thing that she knows about him. I shake it off and pull out two hundred dollar bills from my wallet and hand them to her.
This is me buying your silence, Stephani. This is me buying access to information. I really am sick.

“Thanks,” I say.

“It’s so weird that you hang out with Jaylee,” she says ignoring the amount I’ve given her. “I’ve known him, like, forever and I didn’t even know he could dance.”

“He’s a phenomenal dancer,” I say. I’m not giving anything away. I walk her to the door and usher her out of the house.

Robert is in bed breathing evenly. He looks sweet and innocent to me. Maybe I see innocence because he allowed me to go out dancing with another man. He trusts me. If the tables were turned would I feel okay about him going out with another woman? Would I be upset if he touched another woman sexually? The thought brings me right back to my moment with Jaylee and with it the intense arousal. My body feels like its radiating heat and electricity as I strip down to nothing but my heels. I wake Robert up by kissing him; I shove my tongue deep into his mouth. Robert responds eagerly and I take from him the kiss I longed for from Jaylee. Robert pulls me onto the king sized bed and rolls me under him. He spreads my legs with his knee and when he kisses me I kiss him back so fiercely that he pushes me away.

“Kate, what the fuck?”

I shut him up with another kiss and wrap my legs around him driving the heel of my stiletto into his butt cheek. I don’t pretend that Robert is Jaylee. I don’t even think about Jaylee until after we’re sated and Robert has fallen back to sleep. Only then do I remember Jaylee’s request and when I close my eyes to sleep all I can see are his golden eyes staring back at me.