Heights of Desire (9 page)

He’s right. I am the one at fault. I brought him home to play with the girls. I said he was a babysitter. I selfishly wanted my girls to love my lover. The admission makes me nauseated.

“Pearl, take Ada to swing please,” I say.

She rolls her eyes at me but does as she’s told. Pearl isn’t one to start a conflict.

Whatever Jaylee’s done, he’s taken it too far. Robert is livid and near the breaking point.

“If he ever comes near you or the girls again, I’m taking out a restraining order,” Robert bellows.

“But it’s not like he’s threatened us,” I say making a plea for Jaylee’s case. I don’t need to remind Robert about the legal process.

“I’ll make it happen,” he says.

“Did he threaten you just now? With Ada there?” It sickens me to have any of this played out in front of the children. I can only hope that Jayee didn’t say anything violent in front of my daughter.

“No, he mocked me. Told me he was playing lotto so he could double my money and pay
me
to stay away from you.”

I resist the urge to smile. I like that Jaylee threw it back in Robert’s face. The preposterousness of buying him out. He challenged Robert’s false sense of security and power that his money brings to him.

“Oh, you find it amusing? Let me tell you, that punk didn’t have any problem taking the money in the first place. Yeah, Kate, his eyes lit up when he saw the check. That’s all you are to him. An easy source of future income.” Robert spits his words venomously at me. “That kid is an opportunist – a snake oil peddler. I bet this isn’t the first time he’s done something like this. I’m having him followed. I’m calling Charlie.”

Robert lunges toward the house and the screen door slaps closed behind him.

Maybe I should give Robert’s interpretation some consideration but all I can register is that he gives no credence to the idea that Jaylee is driven by love – or even desire for that matter. Jaylee just wants money and he couldn’t possibly just want me. Robert must not think I’m much of a prize.

I like that Jaylee challenged Robert the way he did. I fight the urge to leap off the porch and go find him. Instead, I need to make sure that Pearl is all right and I should probably try to stop Robert from hiring a private investigator.

Chapter 11

S
eeing Jaylee at the playground reassures me that he has no intention of exiting my life completely. My mood improves like a switch has been flipped. I’m lighthearted with the girls and even playful with Robert. Carmen tells me that it makes her happy to see me so happy again. If she knew the source of my high spirits she’d certainly change her tune.

He gives two days respite before he contacts me. He sends a text asking if I’d like to see him on Sunday. I reply that Robert is taking the girls to a baseball game on Saturday. He then tells me that he’ll pick me up on Saturday at noon and to bring my suit.

De baño, or birthday? I
text back playfully.

Los dos.
Jaylee responds immediately.

I have no long term plan for my relationship with Jaylee. I’m aware of how stupid it is to pick up with him again when I know perfectly well that it could – that it will – destroy my marriage. Robert’s told me flat out that he’s over it. I had the perfect opportunity to get out and I chose not to take it. It feels like now I’m addicted to the whole mess – the love, the danger, the sex, the euphoria – I’ll take it until it ruins me, or even worse, kills me. I’m in too deep and I can’t stop myself.

Saturday, after I see Robert and the girls off, I agonize for two hours over the bathing suit. In the last decade I’ve sworn off the bikini, but I can’t imagine being at the beach with Jaylee in a one piece. I try a few on and all of them scream forty-year-old mom. I don’t want to try too hard and look ridiculous, but I’d love to at least look desirable.

In the end, after my mirror torment I decide not to wear a suit at all. I slip on a pair of black yoga shorts and find a black bandeau top that is so old I’m no longer aware of its origins. The result is a sporty bikini-esque ensemble that makes me feel comfortable and sexy. I throw a light-weight white summer dress over the top and grab my flip flops and sunglasses. I find some sunscreen and a towel and throw those into an old beach bag. I’m trying to decide whether or not to bring a book when I hear a horn honking outside. In true Jaylee fashion he’s arrived almost an entire hour early. I peek out the bedroom window that overlooks the street and see he’s driving a truck with a small trailer attached and what appears to be a jet ski fastened under a tarp. I stuff my unruly hair into a high ponytail, throw on my shades and duck out to meet him.

Jaylee jumps out of the driver’s side and comes around to help me into the truck. The cab is blasting Bachata, which is a step up from the Reggaetón, or Dembow as Jaylee calls it, that he usually has playing. Luckily, the driver is gorgeous and quite obviously thrilled to see me. He weaves his fingers through mine and squeezes my hand.

“I want to kiss you, but your man probably got the spies out,” he says.

Desire curls like smoke through my body. With his touch a great relief washes over me, something deep inside me relaxes.

“Kiss me, I don’t care who sees,” I say.

Jaylee leans to me, one hand still grasping the steering wheel and kisses me gently and deeply.

I’ll never be okay without him. I need him in my life.

“I don’t want the summer to end,” I say.

“In DR it doesn’t end, it’s always summer,” he says and squeezes my hand as he pulls away from the curb.

“Is that a jet ski on the trailer? Are you taking me jet skiing?” I can’t hide my excitement.

“I sure am, thanks to your rich husband, who you won’t get rid of.”

“That’s what you bought with Robert’s money?”

It was less money than I’d thought. Robert bought me cheap. The bile rises in my throat when I think of Robert deciding how much he was going to pay.

“This and some other shit.”

I shrug it off but Jaylee senses that there’s something wrong and abruptly double parks on Riverside Drive. He has his arms around me in a matter of seconds. I burst out crying. He rocks me against his chest and strokes my hair hushing me.

“I didn’t trade you for a fucking jet ski, baby. I only took the money because your man was a fucking jackass to give it to me in the first place.”

“It’s not really that. I don’t care that you took the money or what you bought. I think I feel worse that he offered you money. Robert thinks that you’re only interested in my money.”

“Why, cause I’m a broke-ass Dominican?”

“Maybe, yes. Something to that effect.”

“Serious, huh? Why you with me, Kate?” he asks.

I look at his face and see that his question is sincere. I guess his interactions with Robert have made him question my own motives. I want to say the right thing. I don’t want to scare him away again.

“I’m with you, Jaylee, because from the moment I laid eyes on you I can’t
not
be with you.” This is the only way I know how to describe it to him.

“Me too. Or, me neither.” Jaylee’s face breaks into its brilliant smile. “Fuck. You want to just go have some fun today?”

I wipe away the remains of my tears and nod my head.

“Where are we going, to the beach?”

“Nah, Negra, we’re going to El Malecón. 158th Street. But first we gotta go over the bridge and drop the jet ski in New Jersey. They don’t got ski launches in the city.”

“You jet ski on the Hudson?”

“Yup.”

“Isn’t it – I don’t know, extremely gross and polluted?”

“Probably, but that’s how we do. Can’t keep a Dominican away from the water.”

Jaylee tears out of the spot and cranks up the music again. We zip across the bridge and bring the jet ski to Hazard’s launch in Fort Lee, New Jersey. Oscar is waiting for us at the dock when we pull up. When I climb out of the truck he bear hugs me and then quickly kisses me on the cheek and looks sheepish. He seems relieved that Jaylee and I are together again, at least for the afternoon. I assume from his greeting that he and Jaylee are close and that, like Sarah, Oscar takes the brunt of hearing about our tenuous relationship. I was under the impression that Jaylee and I would ride the jet ski back across the Hudson, but apparently that’s Oscar’s job. We’ll meet him back on the other side at El Malecón.

I’m dumbfounded when Jaylee pulls off the West Side Highway at the 158th street exit. There are hundreds, if not thousands of Dominicans, both young and old, congregated in a large parking lot, playground and all along the banks of the Hudson. I see families set up with tents barbequing and groups of young people clustered around cars. Music is playing everywhere and people are dancing, drinking and sure enough, there’s an impressive number of jet ski’s buzzing up and down the river tearing up its glittering surface.

I know that it’s not the Dominican day parade today and it’s not the right venue for the festivities anyway. I can’t believe that I live only a few blocks away and I never knew that such a gathering place existed.

“Is this every day?” I ask.

“Weekends. Mainly in summer,” Jaylee says. He finds a spot to park and comes around to help me out of the truck.

“Welcome to the beach, Height’s style,” he says.

I see Oscar and a few other guys I recognize as some of Jaylee’s friends. Oscar apparently made a faster trip back across the river than we did. The guys greet Jaylee with various handshakes and slaps on the back. Then they approach me and offer a light handshake and a kiss on the cheek. I’m surprised to hear some of them murmur my name with their greetings. I wonder how much they know about Jaylee and me, and whether or not they know the source of his windfall.

We walk down to the shore and pass people selling fried fish, coco helado, and fresh fruit cups. Jaylee has his arm around my waist and is singing along to a Bachata song blaring from someone’s nearby radio. He seems as carefree and happy as I’ve ever seen him. His eyes flash to mine and he winks at me. They’re a deep gold framed by his thick, dark lashes.

Oscar appears out of nowhere with a black, zip-up life vest for me when we reach the shore. Jaylee goes off to see if Miguel is back from a turn on the jet ski so that we can use it. Oscar offers to hold my things for me and in doing so makes me feel like he’s Jaylee’s assistant and I wonder what their relationship is really like. I pull my dress over my head and put the life vest on. Jaylee immediately appears as soon as my dress comes off. He faces away from me and bends his knees slightly.

“Sube,” he commands and I do. I can’t remember the last time anyone carried me piggyback. He wades through the water and deposits me on the back of the jet ski. Jaylee straddles the machine and pulls my arms around his waist. I don’t know if I’ll be able to concentrate on the scenery with Jaylee so close and half naked between my legs. His thighs are ripped with muscle and his back is cut and defined as well. His flesh is warm against mine. There’s a fluid joyousness running through me and I want to freeze the moment, to suspend the ending into perpetuity.

Jaylee is more than well-versed in jet ski maneuvering, and we zig-zag up and down the Hudson at exhilarating speeds. It’s amazing to see the bridge from underneath and we take in the Palisades and even El Malecón itself from our vantage point. Many of the jet skiers park in huddles out on the water and socialize in between rides. Jaylee eventually joins a huddle, and surprises me by greeting almost everyone by name. Does everyone know each other in this community? I feel like such an outsider. Instead of joining the conversation Jaylee turns around in the seat and faces me.

“What d’ya think?” he asks, his face searching mine for approval.

“Beautiful,” I say and lean in to kiss him savoring the sweat and sun on his skin.

“Are you mad, about the jet ski?” he asks.

“No, not at all. It’s fine. I just want you to know that if you ever need money. . . it’s not just Robert.” How do I say this without sounding like a complete asshole? “I have money, I mean my family – just ask
me
for money if you need it.”

“You gonna give me money, Kate?”

“All I’m trying to say is that if you need it, I can –”

Jaylee puts his head in his hands and shakes it frustrated.

“I’m never gonna ask you for money. I took his money porque es un fucking hijo de la porra. I have a fucking job.”

“You do?” I say it with way too much relief and surprise and quickly recoil at my own transparency.

“My mom don’t work. Mamá gets something from SSI, but Janinie’s only sixteen. She’s still in school. Somebody’s got to work.”

“Where do you work?” I’m more than curious, but at the same time I expect him to lie to me. Truthfully, we’re engaged in a stupid game, because ultimately, I don’t really care if he works or not.

“At my Uncle’s hardware store in South Bronx. Three days a week. Sometimes more if they send me out on jobs.”

“What kind of jobs?” Maybe he does work. Maybe that’s why he can’t see me that often.

“Plumbing, electric, carpentry, all that shit. Maybe I don’t got all your diplomas, but I ain’t no thief.”

“I don’t really have a PhD.” I think he’s the last person that would care, but I want to tell him just the same. It makes me feel like I can relate to him in some way. I’ve never had to worry about money – ever.

“Nah?”

“I never finished. I did everything but my dissertation. I was trying to, I had my girls, I got a lot of extensions. I just keep paying to maintain matriculation. It’s stupid, really. I tortured myself about it forever, but then I met you and I stopped caring.”

“You sayin’ that hanging out with me is making you stupid?”

“Not at all. Hanging out with you is making me happy. I’m sorry I thought you didn’t have a job. It’s just that Stephani-”

“Listen, Stephani don’t know shit about me or my family, so don’t let her tell you nothing. People think they know shit because of my pops but I ain’t in the game like he was. I got some side shit but so do everybody in the Heights.”

“Do you ever think about leaving the neighborhood? About getting out of the Heights?”

“Nah, Kate. Never. My history is here. I’m bound to these streets.”

“I should have just asked you directly about work. We should communicate more, be more open with one another.”

“Instead of just fucking?”

This makes me blush. I’m speechless.

“Qué tu tiene’? Te da verguenza?”

I nod my head.

“What you really want with me, Kate? You still married. You want to be with me – like really be with me – or you just want to fuck, like on the side?”

This is too direct and not what I expected from him. Goddamn me and my big mouth. Being open and communicating sounded good in theory. I’m stuck face to face with Jaylee, floating in the middle of the Hudson and I have to answer this. It’s a legitimate question.

“Would you choose me over your family if you had to choose?”

I know it’s rhetorical but I don’t know how to answer him.

“No, Kate. That ain’t right. I asked you.” I hold my breath and say nothing. “Yes! I’d fucking choose you. I ain’t afraid to say it.” But I can tell by his smile that he’s making light of the question to ease my discomfort. “I got to keep three women in hair – that ain’t cheap. He’s smiling fully now. “One, now that I can handle.”

“But what about Pearl and Ada?” I’m so confused. I’m not sure if we’re joking around or if we’re being serious.

“I got your girls,” he replies softly, all trace of jest gone from his face.

Even to consider it is indulgent. Jaylee could never support me and my daughters. I’d be the one supporting all of us.

“Nah, Kate, don’t worry bout it. You just want to fuck on the side. I get it. I’m not gonna make you say it.”

I long to tell him that I want to be with him even if it means trouble and pain and disaster. Sometimes I want him so desperately that even death sounds like an inviting alternative. Now he’s hurt and angry and I’m unable to say anything to soothe him. I’m inept. I can’t even deal with the consequences of my own actions.

He takes me for another spin and then stops to float outside the groups. He turns around again to face me and the anger seems to have drained away from him. He is in his element out here on the water. The horizon is slowly breaking into the golden hour and Jaylee’s eyes are so clear and bright. I lean in to kiss him and as soon as our mouths touch my body demands more. My desire for Jaylee is stronger than me. It’s a compulsion, beyond my control. I open my mouth to him and pull my hips up so that I’m straddling his lap. He puts both hands on my ass and pulls me down onto his erection. I’m turned on enough to let him take me in plain sight on the jet ski or even in the filthy water, but Jaylee pushes me back by the shoulders and flips his body around.

“If I’m just your side piece then I gotta decide if I still want to do this.”

It’s fair and valid, but I hang my head in despair. I wish I could tell him how I really feel. I’m crazy about him and I’m terrified of what that means for my future.

As soon as we’re back on shore, Jaylee spots Janinie by a tree kissing a young man. He storms off and leaves me to fend for myself on the shore. Oscar appears, again out of nowhere and hands me my bag. I wiggle back into my sundress and try to smooth my windblown hair. I throw on my flip- flops and sunglasses and offer Oscar a brief parting kiss. When I turn around to leave, Jaylee is fast approaching an open beer in one hand and in the other, a closed one, presumably for me.