Heights of Desire (8 page)

Robert takes me to a cozy bar in the Village, a place we used to frequent before the girls were born. We sit in the back garden, which is really a dingy patio with strung-up Christmas lights and order a bottle of wine. I’m already tipsy but I’m so happy to have Robert’s undivided attention that the wine is a welcome excuse to stay out. Robert asks me about my research, which I’ve now renamed ‘Kate’s desperate attempt to stay relevant’ in my head. I’ve all but given up on any intellectual endeavors since I met Jaylee. Instead, my physical side has been taking priority.

Robert brings me up to date on various cases at work. He’s making an effort to help connect me to his professional life, but I lost interest years ago. When he’s at work, he’s a lawyer. He only becomes my husband when he comes home. I know he’s worked extremely hard to get where he is. I also know he’s one of the best at what he does. It still doesn’t mean that I can’t resent it all for taking him away from me. Robert spends more time freeing guilty criminals than he does living life with us. He puts his hand on my thigh and moves it up higher as he leans in to kiss my neck. I can tell that he’s more attracted to me tonight than usual and I can’t tell how much of it’s the dress or if it’s due to the fact that I’ve become an object of desire to another man.

Robert takes the West Side Highway on the way home and I open up my window and let my hair down. I’m not sure how I got away with making him back down about Jaylee but he hasn’t brought it up again since we left the dinner. The credit, I think, is due to his own ego. I’m not sure if I can stand the shame of leading a double life. I hope that both of them can play their roles tonight without making any kind of a scene. It was a bad idea to pretend Jaylee could babysit. The heavy feeling in my gut warns me that no good things will come of this relationship. For the first time in a long time, my future is full of unknowns.

Robert goes into the house first and Jaylee pops up from the couch. Ada is curled up beside him asleep on the sofa, her pillow and bear in her arms.

“Pearl fell right asleep, but I heard Ada crying. She said she was scared so I let her come down and sleep on the couch.”

Jaylee looks nervous, or maybe annoyed. He has his hands in his pockets and glances over his shoulders toward the door. Robert scoops up Ada and heads upstairs with her.

Jaylee and I are alone in the hallway. He looks at me and his eyes burn right through me. He glances at my neck and my hand automatically grasps the necklace Robert gave me tonight.

“Nice,” he says.

Our eyes meet and I can sense the fire catching all over my body. I feel both guilt and pain for allowing him to sit here all night while I was out with Robert. I can’t imagine how I’d handle it if the tables were turned. Jaylee’s eyes are filled with desire and rage so overpowering that I have to look away before I lose my composure. When I look up he’s making long strides to the door. I feel a hand on my shoulder and Robert pushes past me after Jaylee. I try to grab Robert’s arm but I’m drunk and he’s beyond reasoning with me. I wonder how much of our silent exchange Robert witnessed. How long was he watching Jaylee looking at me? Could he see the reflection of my face in the mirror? Could he feel the current that passes between us? I’m horrified at the thought of causing my husband such pain.

I don’t want them to hurt each other. I’m sure Robert will just hand Jaylee some harsh words. ‘Intervene,’ as he put it at dinner. Who knows how Jaylee will react? What can he say? Robert
is
my husband and Jaylee willingly agreed to come over tonight. I don’t even want to think about it. I drop my purse to the floor and step out of my heels. I pull the dress off my shoulders and step out of it too, laying it across the banister. I make my way up the stairs in my slip and new diamonds. Everything is silent. In the bathroom I turn the shower on cold and force myself under the stream. Tonight Robert gave me diamonds and Jaylee gave me a cut on my hand. Now the two of them are off arguing over me and I’m a coward who’s not worth either of their bravado. I need to sober up. I want to face whatever is happening. There’s nowhere for me to hide.

Robert appears in the bathroom just as I’m stepping out of the shower. He looks completely unscathed - he’s not even visibly shaken.

“What just happened?” I blurt out.

“Nothing. I paid your boyfriend,” Robert says.

“For babysitting?” I ask, my voice near the breaking point.

“That and to stay the fuck away from you.”

Robert has never been one to swear. He’s too polished, too calculating. He’s done with the discussion. He gives me a warning look and moves past me to turn the shower back on. I climb into bed and hide my face in the pillow.

Did Jaylee actually accept the money? I can’t imagine he would. How could any amount of money keep Jaylee away from me? You can’t buy what Jaylee and I have. I fight back tears and the instinct to slip out of bed and call him.

Robert comes out of the shower with a towel wrapped around his waist. I pretend to be asleep. I can feel the anger radiating off him. I have absolutely no fear as I know Robert would never touch me with anger and even more, I know that his anger isn’t directed at me.

“Katie!” he whispers.

Robert only calls me Katie when he’s emotional or needy. It’s sweet and immediately my heart opens towards him. I roll onto my back and look at him.

“Do you still love me?” he asks.

I sit up and pull him into my arms. I rock him and press my mouth against his. I want to kiss him like Jaylee kisses me. I want to pour myself into him so that he feels it in every remote corner of his being. I want Robert to surrender to me, to know what it feels like to become a vessel to a frighteningly boundless amount of passion. I make love to Robert and it consumes me. I forget that my golden-eyed lover exists. I am the condemned now absolved. My love for Robert burns deep within me like a beacon as I navigate his body with a newfound devotion.

When I open my eyes the next morning my only thought is ‘Jaylee.’

Chapter 10

A
nother week passes without any contact between us. Robert has finally resumed his sweetness after two days of silence. He is again an attentive and doting husband and father, when he’s around, which isn’t often. I’ve been trying not to let myself think about Jaylee because when I do the emotion is raw and primal and I don’t know how to process it. It’s hard not knowing what he’s going through, not being able to discuss what happened that night. I loved Robert before I met Jaylee and I still love him today. I don’t have to play the game where I tell myself that Robert is better for me; I know he is. But I’m unable to disregard the powerful connection and attraction that happens with Jaylee. It means so much to me and I don’t have the strength to deny myself of it.

Before Jaylee, I was always under the impression that people cheated on their spouses because they were seeking something outside of the marriage that was missing. I’m not sure if anything was lacking in my marriage to Robert. I wasn’t looking; Jaylee just happened. Now I fear that I will never again experience the heights of desire that I feel when I’m with him and I’m mourning it before it’s even gone.

Sarah answers the phone on the first ring.

“Great, What’s going on? Inquiring minds need more frequent updates on your love saga.”

I burst into tears when I hear her voice.

“Oh God! What’s wrong? I’m busting your balls, Great. Is everything okay?”

I fill her in on all the details including Robert’s payoff and how I haven’t heard from Jaylee in weeks.

“Touché. He really fucking paid him? That’s ballsy, even for Bobby. And the kid, he just bailed? Hard to believe. I thought he was lovesick?”

“I’m the one that’s lovesick, Sarah. I feel like my life is over. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can barely hold it together for the girls. Robert is just now speaking to me again and Jaylee won’t return my texts or answer my calls. I think everyone hates me. And it’s not even unreasonable. I’m loathsome.”

“What are you going to do? Maybe you’ll have to find another lover – head back to the poaching grounds?”

“It’s not that. I’m not just looking for sex. I just want Jaylee, nobody can replace him.”

“But maybe it would make him jealous, maybe make him come running back?”

“Okay. I’ll think about it. No, I won’t. I can’t. I’ve got to go. Stephani is coming over. I’ve got a long overdue date with the research library. Claribel and I have been talking about collaborating on something. Hopefully it’ll help me to get my mind off of him. I’ll call you soon.”

“Love you, Great! Don’t expect too much from a twenty-two year old kid. He’s still got a lot to learn.”

I love that Sarah is so completely on my side. That she comforts me about the loss I feel over my lover instead of lecturing me about what’s best for me. It’s rare to encounter that type of devotion and unconditional love in a friend. I know I’d do the same for her. We were inseparable as children and we’ve never grown apart despite the distance between us.

Stephani arrives wearing a fringed crop top and some denim short shorts. Hopefully her fashion sense doesn’t rub off on the girls. I step into my office to grab my laptop and notes and when I come back to the kitchen the girls are outside on the swing-set and Stephani is filling glasses with lemonade.

“Steph, I’ll be back around midnight after the library closes. Robert might make it home before me.”

“Okay, do you want me to text you if he does?”

“No. I mean, you can if you want.”

“Oh, okay. I thought maybe . . . never mind. I’ll text you.”

What is she talking about? Does she think I’m not really going to the library? She thinks I’m meeting Jaylee. Stephani is trying to be a helpful accomplice in my affair.

“Stephani, for what it’s worth, I’m really going to the library to write. I know what you’re thinking. I haven’t spoken to Jaylee in a long time. We’re not speaking.”

“Because of the money?”

How does she know everything? Since when did my life become public information? I’m frustrated and Stephani looks embarrassed. She bites her lower lip and looks down at her feet.

I collapse into a chair at the kitchen table and put my things on the chair beside me.

“Okay, tell me what you know.”

Stephani’s eyes take on a spark and she sits down across from me smiling.

“Mrs. Champion, - Kate, everyone knows about the money! It’s big news. It’s crazy”

“Who’s everyone?”

“Well, a lot of people saw the night when Mr. Champion followed Jaylee up to Broadway and they had it out on the corner. Even people that didn’t see the fight wanted to know who hit Jaylee, so the news just traveled that way.”

“Robert hit Jaylee?”

I’m astonished. I’m also beginning to realize that I’m the only one who’s in the dark about what transpired.

“Yeah, he hit him. He punched him in the face because he was threatening him saying ‘if you ever try to touch my wife’ and then Jaylee cut him off and just said ‘too late,’ all calm like that and Robert punched him in the face. Hard.”

“I can’t believe he hit him. I don’t think he’s ever been in a fight.”

“Well, he did. Made him bleed and everything. And Jaylee wouldn’t punch him back. That’s totally not like him. Not to fight, I mean. So everybody knows that he was, like, holding back because of you.”

“Because of me?”

“Yeah. Because he’s in love with you and he knows that hitting Robert would hurt you so he didn’t hit him.”

“I’m not sure you can know that, Stephani.”

“What? That Jaylee’s a fighter?”

“Umm, no,” I clear my throat. “That’s he. . .” I can’t even say it.

“That he’s in love with you? Everybody knows that he’s in love with you!”

“That’s ridiculous. Who’s everybody?”

But since she said the words my blood starts to pump again, I’m aware of my heartbeat. I’m spinning at a second-hand declaration of love.

“Everybody. Jaylee, his family, his friends – you know, people in the neighborhood that ask what’s going on. No one’s ever seen him like this before. And believe me, it’s not like nobody ever tried. Girls always been falling all over him, but, like, Jaylee isn’t into that. He’s hard, or at least he used to be. I heard that he likes it really rough in –”

“Please.” I put my hand up to stop her. “Do you know what he did with the money or how much money it was?”

“How am I supposed to know what he did with the money?”

“You seem to know everything else.” Stephani reconsiders her answer.

“Well, I’m not sure, but some people said that he might buy a place in DR for the two of you, for when you and Mr. Champion get divorced.”

“Robert and I are not getting divorced.”

I can’t picture it. The only images that come to mind create a bad caricature. Cinderblock house, hammocks, a palm tree loaded with coconuts. It’s not possible. Maybe if I were twenty. Thirty even. Maybe in my next life.

“If you see Jaylee can you tell him that I need to speak to him? I really do have to go to the library.”

“Sure, Mrs. Champion. It’s none of my business, but if you don’t stay with Jaylee what’s he gonna do?”

“I don’t know. Live his life.”

Stephani looks disappointed that our conversation is over and disappointed in my answer. Maybe I didn’t even need to ask her to have Jaylee contact me. I should just bring the message to the streets and let the incredibly efficient diaspora communication ring do it’s job. I grab my bags and as I head out the door my step is lighter than before. My body is renewed with vigor just hearing about Jaylee. I don’t quite understand whether or not he’s exited my life for good or if he has plans to reappear again. It reassures me just to know that he’s near and that someday our paths might cross again.

The Baruch library closes at midnight and for once I arrive home later than Robert. I can see the light on in our bedroom as I walk down the street. Robert is likely in bed either working on his laptop or if his day has been hectic, he’s reading non-fiction to unwind. I run up the steps and when I put my key in the door I glance down and notice an envelope next to the welcome mat. It looks as if it was placed there by accident. I squat down to pick it up. I hesitate to open it thinking that it’s probably a macabre message from Robert about our failing marriage, that I ruined. Maybe next I’ll discover a packed suitcase in the front hallway. It wasn’t enough to run off my lover and now he wants me gone too.

Inside the envelope there’s a small piece of notebook paper that says simply,
me haces falta
. The gesture is so tender and sweet to me that I stay crouched over and clutch the envelope to my chest. Why is it so endearing to see his handwriting? For an uncomfortable moment I have an almost maternal yearning for Jaylee. Although, I guess my love for him is similar to the love I hold for my children in that it burns so brightly and fiercely that is causes euphoria. It’s a love that’s also constantly and darkly accompanied by an unbearable terror of loss. I long to hold him and comfort him. How could Jaylee know that I would find his note and not Robert?

Hope is resplendent. Maybe it isn’t over yet. I’ll see him again.

I hold Pearl’s hand and Ada rides on Robert’s shoulders as we walk down to one of the quieter playgrounds on Riverside Drive. Pearl tells me that Carmen showed her how to knit and she wants to go to a yarn store to pick out a project to do on her own. Pearl is so much like me, introverted, a thinker, even a bit of a loner. If she starts sewing at ten, she may never find reason to socialize. Ada is so much more like her father, social, confident, and willful. Ada even looks like Robert, blonde and athletic with long, muscular legs. Pearl is my double, with dark hair, pale skin and a spatter of freckles. Pearl was blonde at Ada’s age too, so maybe Ada will morph more into looking like me as she grows. Everyone tells me they both have my blue eyes.

The playground is swarming with kids, and Robert runs around after Ada while Pearl sits on the bench with me and tells me, in tedious detail, the entire plotline of the latest book she’s reading. I scoot her butt towards me and pull out her messy ponytail and finger comb her hair. I’m spacing out on her wizard babble when she pauses.

“Hey Mom, isn’t that Jaylee over there?”

My mind and body fail me as I become nothing but quickened heartbeat and electrifying anxiety. I follow her gaze and see Jaylee walking down the hill toward us. He’s wearing basketball shorts, a long, white t-shirt and bleach-white tennis shoes.

“It is,” I say trying hard not to reveal the stabbing sensation in my heart.

Pearl raises her arm and casually waves at him. Jaylee returns the gesture with his two fingered salute, never breaking eye contact with me.

“Can I go say hi?” Pearl asks

“Sure,” I quickly glance in Robert’s direction and he is absorbed in kicking a soccer ball with Ada. Watching Jaylee walk down the hill makes my heart swell and my skin turn to gooseflesh. Pearl reaches him, running the last few steps and he grabs her in an enthusiastic embrace. It’s exactly what I want to do, but instead I sit and try to contain my heart in my chest. I childishly hope that he’s here to return the money to Robert. Not because I care about the money but because it seems to have played a role in our separation and I’d give anything to have him back in my life. The electricity in the air spikes with his proximity. I do and say nothing, but hold my gaze steady with his. I tear my face from his to look for Robert. He’s helping Ada climb the ladder to the slide and is unaware of his adversary. It’s hard for me to believe that others can’t feel the palpable heat passing between Jaylee and me.

To my surprise, Jaylee ushers Pearl back towards the playground and passes me, only to sit on a bench in plain view, just a few yards from where I sit. He pulls something out of his pocket and leans forward spreading his legs in a wide V. After a few seconds I realize that he’s scratching lottery tickets. I’m not sure what he’s doing – whether the lottery tickets are some sort of cryptic message to Robert or to me. I’m transfixed by his movement, how comfortable he is in his body, how confidence seems to leak out of his pores. He’s beautiful and I could watch him like this indefinitely. His presence is commanding; it feeds me. Maybe my desire for him is misplaced and instead of wanting Jaylee, what I truly desire, on some level, is to actually
be
him. Or at least be more like him.

“Jaylee!” Ada squeals from behind me.

Robert’s head whips around at the name. Ada takes off running for a hug. Robert glares at me and I glare back at him. What does he think, that I invited Jaylee here? I’m not that dumb. I stand up and shrug my shoulders at him.

“Want to go?” I ask.

How am I supposed to know how to act? I’m not an expert. I’ve never done this before.

“Take Pearl and go. I’ll get Ada,” Robert barks at me.

I guess ‘things’ are between Robert and Jaylee now, instead of between Jaylee and me. For all I know, Jaylee came to ask Robert for more money. Jaylee is tossing Ada in the air and she’s screeching in delight. Jaylee throws his head back and laughs in response to her enthusiasm. Everyone in the family gets to interact with Jaylee except for me. I grab Pearl’s hand and leave for home without looking back.

“Where are we going?” Pearl asks.

“Home.”

“How come Ada gets to stay with Jaylee?”

“She doesn’t, Dad’s getting her.”

“Mom, is Jaylee your boyfriend?”

“What?” I stop dead in my tracks. “Who told you that? Stephani?”

Big fat tears begin to roll down her cheeks and I wipe them away with the palm of my hand.

“Dad told me,” she says in a sniffled whisper.

I pick her up and carry her like I did when she was little. Her legs straddle my waist and she wraps her arms around my neck. She cries into my hair and I stroke her head. When we reach the house I set her down on the steps. She stares at me, her sad eyes questioning, still blinking back tears.

“Pearl, listen, Both Dad and I love you and your sister very much -”

“Are you getting a divorce?”

“No, baby, there’s really nothing for you to worry about.”

I say it, but I don’t even believe it myself. Things have changed so much this summer. I don’t know how we’ll ever get our old lives back – any of us.

Robert comes storming back a few minutes later, carrying Ada on his shoulders. His strides are long and fueled by anger. He plops her down in front of the stairs and glares at me.

“I’m not doing this. It’s unacceptable,” he says.

“Not in front of the girls,” I counter.

“You’re the one who got the girls involved, not me! Remember?”