Heights of Desire (7 page)

What I had mistaken for sexual immaturity after our first encounter now seems more like an emanation of unbridled passion because obviously, Jaylee is well acquainted with female anatomy. I’m flattered by his attempt to make amends for getting arrested last night, but I feel sad too. I’m still longing to hold him and it’s starting to feel like it’s never going to happen. I still want him inside me. This isn’t having him. This is anatomy.

“You probably thought I was a shitty lover,” he says.

I turn back over to look at his face and he registers surprise at my reaction to him. I am devastated despite the physical pleasure that’s still coursing through my body.

“That was a vindictive fuck, not an apology,” I say. “I want to be with you so badly, Jaylee. You’re not making this cheating thing any easier for me.”

He crosses his arms defensively. He has no idea what I’m talking about. I have to break it down for him.

“When I look at you, when we connect we have something truly incredible. Don’t you think?”

He refuses to engage. He thinks I’m insulting his masculinity.

“Have you ever felt like this before? I mean, have you ever looked at another woman and felt the way you do when you look at me?” I now have his full attention. He’s done pouting.

“No. Have you? And don’t say your husband,” he quickly adds.

“No I haven’t,” I say. “Nothing even remotely close.”

Jaylee smiles full wattage.

“Can you try to use that when you make love to me? I want you to be present, here. with. me. I realize you can make me come like a machine, but it means very little to me if you’re emotionally checked out.”

Jaylee’s stance is hostile. His arms are still crossed and he looks over his shoulder, away from me.

“I guess you do always yell after sex.”

He says nothing more and then walks into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

He took it as an insult. I didn’t mean for it to come off as criticism. I stay on the bed reeling from his intensity and his sexual expertise. For the first time in my life I’ve had my G spot stimulated and all I can feel is disappointed.

The way he looks at me makes me feel like I’m the only woman in the world but as soon as things turn sexual between us I could be any throw-away lover to him. He doesn’t know how to translate his emotions to touch yet. I feel like he’s purposefully dropping the connection we have during sex out of fear of experiencing love. I need to stop psychoanalyzing. Give him a break. He’s only twenty- two years old.

I pull on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt not bothering with underwear and get up to check on the girls. They are both sleeping heavily; their beauty humbles me. I curl up on the bottom of Pearl’s bed and listen to her breathe. The shower in the master bath is running. Jaylee is washing me off – washing me away. I’m aching for a hug. Just a platonic and comforting hug. It feels pathetic. I don’t know why I can’t just be satisfied with Robert alone. Whatever course my relationship with Jaylee takes, it’s bound to end in destruction. If I’m so aware that I’m playing with fire, why can’t I stop doing it? Maybe I’m sabotaging my own happiness. I can’t stop the psychoanalyzing. I feel anxious.

The shower stops and I imagine him using Robert’s towel. He rummages around in the bedroom and then his shadow passes quickly through the hallway. He’s carrying his shoes. When I hear his bare feet on the stairs, I rise, thinking he’s going to leave without saying goodbye to me.

“Kate,” I hear him whisper. He thinks I’m downstairs.

I drag myself to the top of the staircase. He’s standing at the bottom looking up at me. His skin looks like velvet after the shower. His shirt and shoes are in his hand. Sexy doesn’t even begin to describe how delectable he looks.

“I thought you were leaving without saying goodbye. I’m sorry if what I said upstairs upset you.”

He shakes his head, no.

“I can’t fucking please you, Kate. I don’t know what you want.” He shrugs his shoulders. His face takes on both despair and anger.

At least it matters to him. At least I matter to him.

“No, you do. I just want more of you. I want you to give me more of yourself.” I cautiously walk halfway down the stairs toward him.

“More of me?” he asks incredulously. “Kate, you have all of me. More than I’ve ever given to any woman – fucking anyone – ever. More than you know.”

“I still need more.” I can feel the heat and sexual tension rising again in my body. I sit down on the stair to still it.

“Can I remind you that
you’
the one that’s married. I’ve never
not
cheated on a girl. I’ve never brought a girl to my place to meet my family. I did that just for you.”

He drops his shoes and his shirt and grabs the top of his head like he’s trying to stop the anger from exploding.

“If you’ fucking playing me, Kate, I swear, you’ gonna to regret it.”

“What? Are you threatening me? I’m not just some stupid girlfriend, Jaylee. I have the right to ask for whatever I want out of this relationship. If you’re too macho for a little bit of emotional surrender then I don’t want to be with you.”

I’m breathing fast and heavy now. My instincts are telling me to flee, but part of me wants to know if he’s capable of actually hurting me. How far can I push him?

“God!” He says placing a balled fist against the wall. “I’d like to shut you up.”

“You obviously can’t handle this.”

Our eyes connect and the tension is too great. I turn and lunge forward to crawl up the stairs, but Jaylee is quicker and grabs me by the ankle. I break the fall with my hands but the sheer surprise of it almost knocks the wind out of me. He flips me over and pulls both hands above my head with one of his and tears down my sweats with the other. I try to fight him off but I’m useless pinned underneath him. He undoes his buckle and fly with the one-handed agility of a professional and still restraining my hands, pushes his erection into my thigh.

“Do you want me, Kate? Can I fuck you?”

I nod my head, yes. God, I want him and God, what a blow to my feminist self. His aggression is turning me on.

He sinks deep inside me but is surprisingly gentle. He wraps his arm around my back protecting me from the stair. Both of my arms are pinned above me but I wriggle one free and grab the banister for support. I moan at the depth of his thrust. His mouth finds mine and he pours so much emotion into the kiss that it overwhelms me and negates my earlier accusations. He pulls back and his eyes meet mine. They are ignited with passion and glowing. It’s mind-bending the way his eyes make me feel. I don’t think I’ve ever been the object of so much intensity, so much desire. His expression lightens and he breaks our gaze and begins to kiss my neck. I feel his teeth and tongue on me, and then a sharp pain like he’s biting me. I let go of the banister to push him away and I slip down a few stairs, taking him with me as I go. The painful sensation returns and I realize he’s not biting, he’s sucking. I double my efforts to throw him off but my body betrays me as a powerful orgasm begins to take hold of me. Every cell in my body responds to Jaylee. My body belongs to him despite what my intellect might think. Again I surrender completely as there is no fight left in me. I feel the spark build somewhere deep inside and it explodes almost unbearable in its intensity. The peak crashes over me and I cry out in abandon, digging my nails into the tight flesh of his hips. Jaylee releases the suction hold on my neck and our eyes connect.

“I’m gonna come inside you,” he says. It’s a statement, he’s not asking permission.

He pounds into me and orgasmic waves overtake my body and mind again. I’m lost until Jaylee finds my mouth and kisses me unrestrained until
he’s
moaning into my mouth. He continues to thrust into me even after he ejaculates. His rhythm eventually slows and then stops. He collapses his entire body weight on top of me.

He wastes no time pulling out and refastening his jeans. I pull my sweats up defensively, not wanting to be the only one left naked. I’m dazed and my brain is numb. I know we’re not going to cuddle or say ‘I love you’ or use any of the conventions that could make this less awkward. Jaylee is standing astride me. He checks his phone and shakes up a cigarette out of a soft pack, and pulls out with his lips. I stare at him incredulously, not moving from the stair. He leans forward and gives me a goodbye kiss on the cheek. It feels more like a greeting, not a departure between lovers. He gently brushes my neck with his hand

“Try explaining this to your fucking husband,” he says.

My hand rises to my neck and I suck in air realizing that Jaylee has marked his territory in an attempt to make me come clean about my infidelity.

“If you don’t tell him, I will,” he says and turns to jog down the rest of the stairs and lets himself out the front door. I run after him but stop at the large hallway mirror by the front door. My twenty-two year old lover has left me with a huge, brazenly childish, and good-old-fashioned hickey.

Chapter 9

R
obert and I are scheduled to go to a charity event at the Time Warner building in Columbus Circle. It’s being held at the Mandarin Oriental which means he paid a lot for the tickets. Robert insisted that I buy a new dress for the event, and I splurged on something daring and more provocative than I’m used to. This is symptomatic of my new persona; she is nothing like the old Kate. The old Kate would have wanted to be the smartest and possibly the nicest person at the ball. The new Kate only wants to be the most fuckable. I’m hyperaware of my body since I met Jaylee. I’m more sensitive, more easily aroused. I’ve gone from being always trapped inside my head to feeling completely liberated in my physical self in a matter of weeks.

The house phone rings and Robert answers it. I shove my feet into some steel gray Louboutins and make my way down our staircase. Robert’s face is confused but he smiles wide when he sees my dress.

“Wow, sweetheart! You look stunning! Too bad we can’t go now.”

“What?” I’m genuinely disappointed. I was excited to step out in this dress, however inappropriate for a charity event it might be. I know it’s jaw dropping.

“That was Steph’s mom. She’s in the ER with some anaphylactic reaction to a bee sting. They didn’t even know she was allergic.“

“Oh my God, is she okay?”

“Yeah, she’ll be fine, but she’s in no shape for sitting tonight. Do you think it’s too late to call Carmen?”

“Carmen is in Guadalajara at her niece’s wedding, remember?”

“Oh yeah. What about that guy, Steph’s cousin or whatever? The babysitter.”

“Jaylee?” Saying his name out loud makes my face flush with heat and my heart start to pound. Here are the lies, coming back to haunt me already.

“Call him and see if he’d be willing to do a last minute thing. I’ll make it worth his while,” Robert says.

“Okay,” I manage. “If you’re sure you’re okay with it.”

“Why wouldn’t I be okay with it? Steph recommended him right? Carmen says the girls love him.”

Pearl and Ada both pick up on the possibility of Jaylee babysitting and seal the deal with their enthusiasm.

“I love Jaylee, Mama,” Ada says hugging my leg. I scroll through my contacts until I see his name. This is a first. I push the button.

“Jaylee?”

“Oh, you call me now, huh?”

“I guess so. Listen, I’m here with Robert and we have an event tonight. Stephani was supposed to babysit and she got stung by a bee and now she’s in the ER.”

“Good for Stephani! Love that girl. Guess you’ll have to cancel your date,” Jaylee says, obviously pleased.

I try to act casually as I head for the kitchen and let the swinging door shut behind me.

“Robert wanted me to call you and ask you to sit for the girls. This is awful. I’m sorry,” I whisper.

“Don’t be sorry. I’ll watch Adita and Perla. Those’r my girls,” he says.

“You’d do that?” It feels like a really bad idea but my mood immediately brightens at the thought of being able to see Jaylee tonight.

“Just give me 10 to shower and I’ll be over,” he says.

“If it’s uncomfortable, I promise I’ll make it up to you.”

“And I’ll hold you to that, baby. See you in a few.”

How can he be so cavalier about the whole thing? It feels torturous to me. Oh God, what if he has something up his sleeve? I’m stupid and blind with infatuation.

I leave the kitchen and find Robert starting a movie for the girls in the living room.

“He said he’d do it. He’ll be here in fifteen minutes,” my words echo and sound forced to me.

“See? That was easy.”

“Guys, Jaylee is going to babysit tonight,” I announce to the girls. I can’t help but wring my hands as I say it.

Pearl and Ada ask if they can do water balloons in the yard with Jaylee again. I let them know that the agenda is up to the sitter and I head to the hallway mirror to apply my lipstick. I’m so lost staring at my own reflection that I jump when Robert puts a hand on my shoulder.

“Are you okay?” He asks.

I grab his hand, kiss it and pull him into a hug. I don’t want Jaylee to do anything stupid. I love Robert and I don’t want to hurt him, ever.

I stand by the front door pulling back the lace curtain peering into the darkness for his arrival. I recognize him the second he rounds the corner. His strut, the confidence and sexuality are always apparent in his body language. My body responds at the sight of him.

“Jaylee’s here!” I yell and the girls come running. They break any tension by jumping into his arms and he takes turns bear hugging them both. Robert approaches and offers his hand out to Jaylee. Jaylee pumps it eagerly.

“Thanks for coming on such short notice,” Robert says.

“No problem,” Jaylee says smiling. “Nice to finally meet you, Mr. Champion.”

“You too, Jaylee. I see you’ve already captured the hearts of all the women in my family.”

Robert is genuine and there is no trace of malice in his voice. I blush scarlet and keep my eyes on the floor, away from Jaylee.

“Yeah, they got mine too,” Jaylee says and his eyes flash to mine.

I might shatter like glass if this interaction continues.

“I’ll go pull the car around while you show him the ropes,” Robert says. He straightens his tie in the mirror and grabs his wallet and keys to the Range Rover off of the hook by the door.

I go over snacks and bedtimes with Jaylee and show him how to disable the house alarm in case of emergency. Jaylee gives no hint to the fact that we have a relationship outside of babysitter and mother. He even asks if he should answer the house phone if anyone calls.

I kiss the girls goodbye even though they ignore me completely, already absorbed in their movie.

I head to the door again to watch for Robert’s headlights. Jaylee follows me and my arm hair stands on end feeling his eyes on me from behind.

“I got something for you,” he says reaching deep into the pocket of his low-slung jeans. He grabs my hand and pulls my wedding band and engagement ring out of his pocket.

“Are you giving me back to Robert?” I ask.

Jaylee shakes his head with a somber ‘no’.

I see the light from Robert’s headlights at the top of the hill. I try to pull my hand back, but Jaylee digs in with his fingernails and pain sears into the meaty flesh of my thumb. He holds my hand in an iron grip and slips the rings back on my left ring finger with his other hand. Robert honks and I startle and wrench my wounded hand from his unrelenting one. Tears spring to my eyes and I instinctively bring the wound to my mouth and suck.

“Have fun, “ Jaylee says eyeing me up and down in my revealing dress. I can’t figure out what he’s trying to do.

“Fuck you,” I whisper and pull the door closed behind me. I jog to the warm yellow light of the Rover with Robert waiting for me at the wheel.

“You trust him alright?” Robert asks me as I climb up into the bucket seat.

“Of course,” I respond defensively. And the truth is that I do trust Jaylee. I know he’ll take good care of my girls. I look down at my hand and watch three tiny pinpoints of blood form on the little half moon slit that Jaylee left on the pad of my thumb. It smarts and I return it to my mouth and suck the blood away.

The view from the event is magical. I love any opportunity to see the skyline of New York City. It reminds me how much I love living here. The food is extravagant and the speeches are inspiring but my mind keeps returning to Jaylee and the girls and how I’d rather be home with them. I usually love going out and getting Robert all to myself, but tonight the vapid lawyer’s wives club seems surreal and almost intolerable. I can’t pretend to be interested in any of the conversations at our table and twice Roberts asks me if I’m feeling alright. I put on a pleasant face and drink my wine.

The pain in my little cut is strangely acute and I decide to take myself to the bathroom and wash it with soap and water, afraid that it might get infected. I run it under cold water and pump some soap into the palm of my other hand. My whole thumb throbs with heat. I understand abstractly why Jaylee hurt me. He cut me so as not to be left behind. He left a marker, a throbbing little reminder of his presence that constantly pulls my thoughts back to him. It’s weird and sadistic, but also clever. I think I like it. Sucking again on the half-moon, desire for Jaylee starts to rise in my body. When did I become so physically responsive? I look into my blue eyes trying to familiarize myself with the new overtly sexual Kate. Desire is a very powerful drug.

I haven’t yet the fearlessness to think about love when it comes to Jaylee. It seems like such an implausibility that even to consider it is a waste of time. Can I be in love with two different people at the same time? Can I love both Robert and Jaylee, and, if so, can I sustain it? Gazing into my little half-moon cut and catching my expression in the mirror tells me that I’m dangerously close to losing myself. I look possessed, like a woman with a mission. For the last decade or so the eyes looking back at me have always read complacent. These days I don’t even know what I’m capable of. I take out my phone to text Jaylee then think better of it and shove it back in my purse. I reluctantly rejoin Robert and his colleagues at the table and slam the glass of champagne that’s been left at my place setting. Robert raises an eyebrow at me. He doesn’t want a repeat of the pool party and neither do I – I could give a fuck. I reach for Robert’s glass and drink that too. I busy myself with mindless conversation with someone’s overly processed wife. She tells me that my skin looks radiant and wants to know what my secret is. She tells me that she saw my backless dress in the window at Tom Ford on Madison Avenue, that she could never pull it off, that she has back fat, that she purchased her dress at Bergdorf, that her miniature Maltipoo has a hernia and he’s undergoing acupuncture.

I can’t stand another minute of it. Is this what my life is like? How did I ever tolerate any of it? I flag down the waiter and get another glass of expensive champagne. Ridiculously expensive champagne is so fitting at a charity dinner to end hunger. I want to run away. Robert places a hand on the back of my neck to cool my temper. He knows me so well; he always intuits my feelings, sometimes before I’m cognizant of them myself. He rescues me from the chattering woman and leads me away to the window and the spectacular view.

“How are the girls doing?” he asks.

“Huh? What do you mean, in general?”

“I figured you must be texting the sitter – you spent so long in the bathroom.”

“I was going to, but I didn’t. Do you think I should?”

“As long as I can see what he writes back to you,” Robert says.

My jaw goes slack. What the hell is he getting at?

“Is there something going on between you two?”

“What? I can’t . . .” What I really can’t do is lie anymore. It’s too late, tears are already streaming down my face.

Robert puts his arm gently around my shoulders and guides me away from the tables over to a quiet hallway by the entrance. It’s not fair to him that I’m crying, but I can’t stop myself. I wipe away the tears and mascara with the back of my hand.

“How did you find out?” I ask him trying to hold my voice steady.

“Jesus, Kate. The way that boy looks at you. Any fool can tell that he’s in love with you. He practically eats you alive with his eyes.”

To hear Robert say that Jaylee is in love with me makes my heart do an involuntary flutter.

“What I’m more interested in is how you feel about him. You’re not planning on pursuing this, are you? You’re not leading the poor kid on?”

It doesn’t even occur to Robert that I could be in love with Jaylee too. He definitely doesn’t think I’m already fucking him. Robert probably sees Jaylee as a school kid with crush on his teacher. The babysitter thinks the kid’s mom is hot. Suddenly, Robert seems uppity to me.

“Can we not talk about this?” I ask annoyed.

“Kate, that’s not fair. I asked you a valid question. You think watching that exchange wasn’t hard for me? I don’t like the way you respond to him. I need to know how you feel and get a clear sense of whether or not I have to intervene.”

“Intervene? Listen, Jaylee is my friend, he’s a confidant. I don’t have that many friends, Robert. He’s important to me. I want him to have a place in my life right now. I need it.”

“You need the attention?” Robert asks.

“I don’t know. I can’t answer that.” I feel deflated. Somehow Robert manages to make my relationship with Jaylee feel pathetic, meaningless.

“Don’t lead the kid on though, Kate. He’s dying for some reciprocity. We should probably rethink having him babysit. I can’t stand to watch him pine for you.”

My mood is making violent swings. I go from wanting to protect and cradle Robert to feeling angry that he can’t even imagine having any competition. He must not think much of Jaylee if the threat barely registers. I’m married to an extremely confident man.

“He’s good with the girls, and they’re really crazy about him.” For some stupid reason I want Robert to know that Jaylee is a good person.

“No, I can see that. It made me feel like I’m not around enough, like they need more dad time.” Robert pulls me to him and kisses my hair. He rubs my exposed back, which quivers under his familiar touch.

“I’ve got something for you, honey. I wasn’t sure if I should give it to you tonight, but it feels like the right time.”

Robert hands me a black velvet box with Fred Leighton embossed across the top. Lately he’s been indulging me with extravagant gifts. It’s as if he wants to make up for his absence. I’m not really sure how I feel about it. My parents always did the exact same thing. It felt like they were trying to buy my love.

I open up the box and find an ultra fine platinum chain set with miniature diamonds all the way around. It’s beautiful. My eyes tear up because Robert’s love for me feels so honest and innocent. I’m ashamed of my selfish behavior. He clasps the necklace behind my neck and shivers rise and fall down my spine. He kisses the back of my neck.

“I love you, Kate.”

“I love you too.”

I embrace Robert and bury my face in his lapel.

“Can we get out of here, away from these people? I just mean leave here, not go home yet.” I love Robert’s gift, but I’m uncomfortable that he gave it to me at a charity event. How many people could we feed with this necklace? Twisted themes are springing up all over the place tonight.

“I’ll take you wherever you want to go, minding we’re home by midnight to relieve your boyfriend.”

He says it with a smile but my anger resurfaces. I don’t want to have the connection I feel with Jaylee belittled. It’s almost enough to make me want to come clean and admit what has happened. It’s almost enough, but not quite.