Heights of Desire (10 page)

“Y dónde tu va?” he asks, his tone accusatory.

“Home,” is all I say. I’m exhausted from our interaction. I want to get away from him before my body takes me places that my mind isn’t equipped to deal with right now.

“Stay. We’re just getting started. Who I’m gonna dance with, el Flash?”

We stand in a circle of his friends. Some of them are older, but many appear even younger than Jaylee. He keeps me close to his body at all times, an arm possessively draped over me. I lean into him and enjoy the contact and the closeness, his scent, the sound of his voice. The beer is terrible, malt liquor, and, in addition, the guys have been bumping a bottle of Hennessy in a paper bag they’re passing around. I politely decline. I’m already feeling the effects of the sun and jet skiing in addition to the beer. I want to stay in the moment. I want to be in control of this.

A few girls wander in and out of our circle but none of them stay put. None of the other men are as affectionate with their girlfriends as Jaylee is with me. I wonder if this is standard behavior for him. The men code switch in and out of Spanish so thick with Caribbean accents that, despite being fluent, to my ear it mutates into babble and I keep losing track of the conversation. At one point a young man refers to me as ‘la gringa,’ and later, says to Jaylee “y tú con esa vieja.” Before he finishes his sentence, Jaylee puts him in his place with a litany of insults delivered so rapidly, it sounds poetic. After the guy backs down, Jaylee warns him that I speak Spanish better than he does and for that matter probably better than his mother. The antagonist flips him off and leaves the circle while the others laugh and hurl insults. Jaylee grabs the momentary distraction to whirl me around to face him. He kisses me full and hard on the mouth and runs his hand through my windswept hair. It’s definitely a drunk kiss but full of sexuality and emotion, as only Jaylee knows how. The whole world falls away and Jaylee’s kiss becomes the center of my universe. It’s saturated with passion and vitality and it flows out of him into me. My whole being is buzzing. This is my fix, the antidote to the banality of life.

A ruckus of protest starts up behind us as Jaylee’s friends toss empty beer cans at his back and chide our public affection.

“Te la va’ comer!” I hear someone yell.

Jaylee responds by reaching one arm down along my leg and scooping me up, fireman style. He walks away from the group and sets me down by a tree, never breaking our kiss. The crowd roars anew with their taunting and heckling. Jaylee grabs my face and kisses me deeper ignoring the hoopla he’s creating. It’s a kiss to end all kisses, a consumption, a holy communion.

As hard as it is to pull myself away from him, I know I can’t stay out all night. I sent Robert a text saying that I’d be home soon and he replied with a single question mark. It’s been weighing on me more than a punctuation mark should.

“I have to go home,” I say when I regain my breath.

“Stay,” he says.

“I have to at least say goodnight to the girls.”

“Quédate conmigo.”

“No puedo.”

Jaylee takes my hand and walks me toward the stairs at Riverbank Park. The truck must have gone home with its owner; it appears that I’m walking home tonight. When we reach the bottom of the stairs Jaylee grabs me again and pushes me up against the fence. His hands creep under my dress and find their way to my ass. His kiss is overpowering and he pushes his hips into mine.

“Did you miss me, baby?” he asks.

“So badly,” I murmur into his mouth.

“Were you with him?”

His jealousy seems so immature to me. Can the sex really bother him more than the marriage?

“Why?” I ask him. “Were you still celibate for me?”

He pulls away and smiles at me. His expression is soft, his eyes hooded with alcohol and desire.

“No!” He says, shaking his head. “I picked up some culo. I was pissed. Not at you. At your man.”

I try to remain unreadable.

“Some,” I swallow. “How was that?”

I don’t want to be jealous – didn’t think I would be. Something in my gut is falling and I’m so heavy with mood that I collapse my body weight into his chest and start to cry. I’m crying so easily and so much since this fiasco started.

“See?” he says somewhat vindictively, but then quickly begins to soothe me. “It was nothing. All I could think about was you.” He pats my head and slaps my butt. “See why I tell you not to fuck him? It don’t feel so good, do it?”

“How much is ‘some culo’?”

“I don’t know, fuck, like three, maybe more?”

“Three in three weeks, huh?’

“It don’t matter. I don’t want to be with nobody but you.”

I look into his golden eyes and they are full of warmth and affection. I pull his mouth to mine and kiss him with desperation. It’s a possessive kiss. I want him all to myself. I can’t stand the idea of other women touching him. He’s mine. My Jaylee. He moans in response and pushes his groin into mine.

“I’ll take you right here, on the stairs.” He’s smiling ear-to-ear and somewhat unsteady on his feet.

I shove him away before I concede to public intercourse. I’m aching for his touch more than ever, but I don’t want to reunite sexually with him while he’s so drunk. I feel like I lose him enough during sex already. I’m not sure I’m ready for what’s in store when he’s completely uninhibited.

“I really, truly have to go. Now. Can I see you tomorrow?”

This is the first time I’ve asked him for plans.

“Amor,” he purrs into my ear ignoring my question. He takes my earlobe in between his lips and gently pulls and bites. He webs his fingers through mine and pulls back looking into my eyes, then gently kisses me on the lips.

“Here,” he says grabbing my wrist and wrangles off my rings again. He drunkenly shoves them into his pocket. “Okay, you can go.”

I try to pull away but he holds onto my wrist with an unyielding grip.

“Jaylee, come on,” I say trying to tug my arm away.

“Wait.” He reaches into his white t-shirt and pulls something from around his neck. “I want you to wear this for me.”

I bow my head as he places a delicate scapular on a red string around my neck. He adjusts it so that one icon hangs down the middle of my back between my shoulders and the other, almost between my breasts. I’ve seen him wear it before, most notably the first time we had sex, in his family’s apartment. The icon between my breasts is la Señora de la Altagracia, the patron saint of the Dominican Republic.

“In the back it’s the flag. Dios, Patria, y Libertad.” He flashes what’s presumably a gang symbol with his hands.

The gift makes me smile.

“I love it. It’s almost sacrilegious. It’s brilliant.”

“What do mean? It’s religious.”

“Sure, but it’s religious nationalism. Right? It’s meant to bolster a false connection between God and country - to perpetuate the myth of the white, Catholic Dominican-”

“Kate!”

“What?”

“Shut up! You probably right, but shut the fuck up. Please.” He looks at me tenderly and waivers on his feet. “My dad wore one just like it. I want you to wear it for me.”

“I will. I love it,” I say, running my fingers over la Altagracia.

We kiss each other goodbye on the cheek with no mention of when we’ll meet again. I climb the stairs heavy with the dread of returning home in my throat. Robert will know that I’ve been out with Jaylee and I’ve no intention of trying to hide it from him.

When I reach the Riverbank bridge that crosses over the highway I look down onto El Malecón. The sun has set and I can barely make out the white of Jaylee’s t-shirt as he makes his way back toward the lingering crowd.

Chapter 12

R
obert is in the kitchen, pacing. There’s a perspired lowball full of ice cubes and a bottle of Johnny Walker on the table. I set my bag down in the hallway and step carefully into the kitchen. The only light Robert has on is the fluorescent one above the stove and it gives off a sickly glow. I feel like I’m walking into the morgue. I want to run back to Jaylee and spend the night with him on his pullout couch. I know I have to be fair to Robert; he deserves my honesty.

“How was the game?” I ask.

“Are you going to pretend that things are okay between us? Because they’re not.”

Robert crosses his arms and looks ready to fight. His eyes are red rimmed either from alcohol or stress and his usually perfectly groomed hair is a mess.

“Were you with him?” he asks.

“Yes,” I reply.

“Were you having sex with him? You look like you have been.”

“No, but I did kiss him.”

I look down at the floor. I don’t have any excuses or even anything I can say to make it less hurtful.

“And do you expect me to just accept that?”

“No,” I say.

“You do realize that this is destroying our family, right? I can’t continue to put up with this,” Robert says.

“Okay.”

“What the hell is with you, Kate? I feel like I’m talking to a child. Do you understand that there will be serious repercussions for your actions?”

“I feel like I’m listening to a lawyer.”

“Get used to it,” Robert says menacingly and pours himself another drink. He slams it back and returns the glass to the table with a smack.

“How can you do this to us? He’s a fucking punk thug. You have a brilliant mind. Is it just the sex? What can you possibly be getting out of it?”

I shrug my shoulders.

“Katie, please enlighten me here, you’re willing to screw up Pearl and Ada’s lives for some dick – is that what it is?”

“You’ve never cheated?” I snap back at him. I’m not sure where I’m going with this but to me it feels like the sex is the lightest of sins between Jaylee and I.

Robert takes way too long to respond. Now I’ve taken the argument in an unexpected direction. I guess we all lie to ourselves to survive, just to be able to get along. The funny thing is that I don’t even have to ask. I already know the who and the when. I never allowed myself to examine it before because I didn’t want to know. She was an intern at the firm when I was pregnant with Pearl. I remember feeling something was off when Robert introduced me to her. I should feel something, but I don’t care. Robert isn’t blameless.

“Don’t pretend you don’t get something out of it too,” I yell. “You’re cheating on the old me with the new me!”

“What the hell are you talking about? Have you completely lost your mind?”

“You’ve never been more attracted to me. EVER. You didn’t even want me anymore until he did!”

“He doesn’t want
you
, Kate. He wants your money. How can you be so ridiculously naive? He’s a criminal for Christ’s sakes! I had Charlie do a run on him. He’s an uneducated, worthless drug dealer!”

“I’m in love with him!” I scream it at such a fever pitch that I scare even myself. It escaped from somewhere inside me, a revelation to Robert and the rest of the world, but most importantly to myself.
I’m in love with Jaylee.

Robert is unaffected. He looks at me with nothing but contempt.

“Oh, I’m sure you are, Kate. True love. Was it his deep sense of humanity that got you? Ruining other people’s lives by selling drugs to them? Or what? His worldview? Tell me, because I’d really love to know.”

“Shut up!” I’m crying but my tears are hot and loaded with rage. It’s too easy for Robert to belittle him. I’m not going to argue and try to defend Jaylee. Of course it’s physical, but it’s hugely emotional too. Love is blind, Robert. Haven’t you ever heard that one before? Not everyone is perfect. Not everyone is privileged.

“You’re playing poor. Nice ethnography, Kate. New field of study? You never could stick to just one thing.”

Robert picks up the tumbler of whiskey and hurls it at the floor. He brings his hands to his head and lets forth a low and guttural growl.

“I don’t know whether to fight for you or kick you out. What do you want me to do? What do you want from me?” Robert shudders as he speaks.

“I want you to be patient with me. Give me a chance to figure it out.”

“God, Katie!” Robert is again exasperated. “What’s there to figure out? Charlie’s report says he’s twenty-two years old. Twenty- two. Born in 1990. He’s closer in age to Pearl than he is to you. You graduated college before the kid was even born! What’s there to figure out? Where’s it going to go?”

“It would serve you better to tell me why I should stay with you and not how old Jaylee is. I know how old he is, Robert!”

“You need me to tell you why you should stay?”

“Yes, “ I say.

“One simple reason. Any judge would
throw
custody at me. You’ve committed adultery with a known criminal with an active record. I’m not willing to share you and you can bet that I most sure as hell will not share my daughters with that piece of shit!” Robert wipes his hands on his pants as if the thought of Jaylee has soiled him. “I’m going to bed. I’d advise you to sleep in the guest room.”

He grabs the bottle and goes to the pantry to put it back. I hear him rummaging for the broom to clean up the broken glass. It’s so like Robert to think to clean up the mess even in the middle of the worst fight we’ve ever had.

I strip down naked while he’s in the pantry. He comes out with the broom and dustpan and does a double take when he sees me.

“What are you doing?” he asks.

“Attempting to seduce you,” I say. “Take me to bed with you. Prove it to me that you don’t like it.”

“You just told me that you’re in love with someone else and now you expect me to have sex with you?”

“Yes,” I whisper.

Robert pulls me into his arms. I can feel him trembling. He tilts my chin up to him and I wrap my arms around his neck. His body relaxes but I can tell his mind is running. He exhales loudly and looks up at the ceiling blinking back tears.

“I can’t do this, Kate. I won’t.” he says.

Robert kicked me out. I’ve got no place to go. Can I stay with you?

Prick! Yeah stay wit me. Flash pick U up in 10.

Robert asks me to leave. I beg him to let me stay so as to not upset the girls. He’s not willing to compromise. He says I can come back and see them in the morning – that we can talk then. I guess I took it too far offering myself to him like I did. I think he was convinced that if I stayed he would sleep with me and he’s afraid to face what it means if he does. I think about calling Claribel but feel too humiliated. I could call Carmen but I know she’d be on Robert’s side. I can’t take her disapproval. I can’t call my parents or my sister without them flipping out completely. That leaves only one option. I don’t know if I’ll hold the same appeal to Jaylee when I’m no longer forbidden fruit. Will our chemistry cease when we have to deal with the reality of being together? Did Jaylee ever wonder what it would be like to wake up next to me? Hopefully he’s prepared to find out.

I change into a skirt and blouse and throw an extra pair of underwear and a toothbrush in my bag. I slip into the girl’s rooms and give them each a silent kiss. Pearl’s hair is spread out over her pillow, curly in the late summer humidity. I kiss her cheek again and touch her face.

“Perla, I’m going to sleep at Jaylee’s house tonight. Tell Ada not to worry, I’ll be back tomorrow.” She nods and talks a bit in her sleep, but doesn’t wake up.

I wait by the front door peeking out onto the street. Maybe Flash got his nickname from showing up to pick people up on a moment’s notice. He pulls up in front of the house in yet another mystery car.

Oscar reaches across the seat to open the door for me and when the dome light goes on I can see that Janinie is in the backseat. He greets me with a quick kiss on the cheek and Janinie barely looks up from her texting to offer me a halfhearted ‘hey.’

“Jaylee’s not coming?” I ask. I thought the night couldn’t get any worse. It just did. Oscar shakes his head no and then glances at me apologetically.

“Why not?”

Oscar’s eyes meet Janinie’s eyes in the rearview mirror. They are silently debating how much they should tell me.

“He’s got business to take care of. He’ll be home later,” Oscar says.

“So I’m supposed to go to his house alone? I think I’d just rather get a hotel. Can you take me downtown, Oscar?”

Janinie and Oscar’s eyes meet again.

“You’re supposed to go home with Janinie. He told me not to let you get a room. He said you’d want to. He wants you to wait for him at his place,” Oscar says.

As if this weren’t already the worst fucking night of my life. Now I’m being bossed around by teenagers.

“What are you, Flash, his personal assistant? How are you going to ‘not let me get a room’? I’m an adult, I’ll get a room if I want to.”

I twist around to see what Janinie thinks. She’s still texting in the glowing light of her phone. She’s now got ear buds in to compete with the music Oscar is playing in the car.

“Janinie!” I yell.

She pulls the earbuds out and snaps her gum, blinking her eyes at me.

“What?”

“What should I do? I don’t know what to do.” I say. I’m asking her out of desperation. “I feel strange going to your house without your brother there.”

“How the fuck should I know?” she counters. “Do whatever the fuck you want – you always do anyways.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I remind myself that she’s still a child so that I won’t rip the stupid cell phone out of her hands and chuck it out the window. I definitely don’t want to go home with Janinie. What I had interpreted as mild disapproval from her before has apparently grown into full hostility.

“I don’t really got a choice here, Kate,” Oscar says. “Jaylee made it pretty clear that you should go to his house with Janinie.”

“La señora no quiere regresar conmigo, Flash. Qué va hacer?” Janinie says, making sure the
señora
bites.

“Neenay, callate la maldita boca y trata de ayudarme, carajo!” Oscar pleads.

Why am I sitting in a shitty car in front of my house fighting with two teenagers while my beautiful family sleeps inside? I want to go back inside and pour myself a glass of wine and curl up in front of the television. Have I taken things so far that it’s no longer a possibility for me? I don’t want to go to Jaylee’s house; I don’t want to worry about his safety or my own for that matter. I’m tired; I want to sleep and pretend that none of this is really happening. This is so pathetic.
I
am so fucking pathetic.

Both Janinie and I scream out when a fist comes out of nowhere through the darkness and hits the windshield. My heart quickly calms when I recognize the golden eyes peering in at us. It’s Jaylee. I lower the car window relieved that he’s joining us. He’s drunker than he was when I left him and looks like he might be high as well. He sticks his head in the window and grabs the back of my neck, pulling my mouth towards him. I can only hope that Robert isn’t looking out the window.

“I’m out but I wanted to make sure you were okay first,” he slurs.

“I’m fine,” I say. “I think I’d feel better getting a room. Any way I can talk you into coming with me?”

“Fuck a room! I want you at my house so I know you’re safe. After today everybody know we together. I want you there when I come home. Me entiende’?”

“Can you please tell me what’s going on? Are you in some sort of trouble?” I ask.

“Oscar, get them home,” Jaylee says banging a fist on the roof of the car. He strides away as quickly as he appeared.

Oscar parks the car on Jaylee’s block and comes around to the open the door for me. Janinie climbs out of the back seat and slams the car door.

“She ain’t the fucking queen, Oscar,” Janinie mutters under her breath, loud enough for me to hear. I’m not looking forward to spending the night with her. I obviously sensed the tension right from the beginning, from both Janinie and Jaylee’s mom, but I didn’t think it was this severe. Maybe our relationship is causing problems at home. We never talk about his family life, we’ve never really discussed the obvious fact that his sister and mother dislike me, that only Gladys is on my side.

Oscar insists on walking us to the door and he and Janinie mumble back and forth. I wander behind them just out of earshot. At one point Janinie even bats Oscar away with her hand. He takes the abuse stoically and looks at her with affection. I sense a familiar pang of longing from him and I silently wish him luck. Janinie won’t be an easy conquest for him. Not only that but falling in love with your insanely jealous best friend’s baby sister isn’t the smartest move. But I’m in no position to judge.

Watching the two of them interact makes me feel like an intruder on their teen date. I’m not even entirely sure how I ended up here. Of course I’m aware that it was my choosing to get involved with a twenty-two year old but it’s not all that clear to me how I ended up so immersed in his world. I’ve spent the entire day surrounded by adolescents and it’s reminded me that those are years to which I have no desire to ever return. I survived them once and I don’t want to relive them again in my forties.

“Hey guys, I think I’ll just grab a cab from here and go to a hotel,” I say doing my best to sound nonchalant.

Oscar puts up a huge protest and ushers me in the door and up the stairs while Janinie follows behind encouraging him to let me go. He takes the stairs backwards holding both Janinie and I by the wrists. It becomes obvious at the door to the apartment that Oscar isn’t leaving until he sees both of us inside. Janinie reluctantly pulls the house key out from between her breasts. She wears it on a necklace that’s long enough for her to be able to unlock the door without removing it.

“There. Happy? Ya estamo’,” Janinie says.

She holds her hands on her hips and when Oscar leans in to kiss her goodnight she slams the door in his face. I open my mouth to reprimand her and snap it shut when she glares at me.

“Listen, Janinie. I like being here tonight even less than you like having me. As soon as we’re sure Oscar is gone, I’ll just head to a hotel.”

“Good luck with that. Oscar is staying out front to keep watch out for Jaylee.”

I’m always the last one to figure out what’s going on and I’m always left out of the plans.