Holding On (36 page)

“Do you know the best way to get to the Onyx hotel? I came straight from the airport.”

“It’s only a few blocks, if you’re up for a walk.”

The fresh night air was a welcome change though Daniel’s legs felt like lead as he made his way down the darkened city streets. He signed in at the front desk, wishing he was there on vacation with Marienne and the kids rather than escaping the nightmare of a hospital room.

“Looks like you have a package waiting, let me get that from the back.”

The clerk returned with a medium sized box and handed it to Daniel along with his keycards.

The opulence of the hotel stood in stark contrast to the interior of Mass General. Daniel unlocked his door and flipped on the lights.
Bed
. A mattress had never looked so appealing. He placed his bags on the dresser and slid the package onto the bed.

He removed his jacket and went into the bathroom. He turned on the water and unwrapped one of the little bars of soap. The scent of honey wafted up as he lathered his hands. Its sweetness reminded him of Marienne. He scrubbed his face, trying to let the water rinse away some of the tension. The towel felt rough against his skin.

His stomach grumbled, reminding him he hadn’t eaten since the airplane meal. He grabbed the leather binder off the desk and flopped onto the bed, flipping through in search of the room service menu.

He ordered a burger and fries and two Becks. The package sat in front of him, and he ran his fingers over the writing. Marienne’s handwriting. He used the pen on the bedside table to split the tape and the flaps of the box sprung open. He lifted out a pair of his jeans and his favorite sweater. A note was pinned to the collar.

I thought some of your non-work clothes might make you more comfortable. And I thought you could use a treat. The envelope is something Roger dropped off for you when he stopped by. I don’t know if you’ll want to read what’s inside, but if you can I think you should. It might help you see things differently. I think it will help you get to know the man your mother knew, the man who helped her create you. I hope you’re not angry that I sent them to you. I love you so much. It’s killing me to be apart from you while you’re going through this. Call me. And take care of yourself.

All my love, as always,

Marienne

Daniel peered inside the box. He pulled out a Tupperware and opened it. The aroma of brownies made him groan. He immediately took a bite of one, allowing the chocolaty taste to fill his mouth and block out all his other senses. He looked around for something to wipe his hands on but there was nothing. He retrieved the towel from the bathroom and took his time cleaning his fingers, unsure he wanted to see what was inside Roger’s envelope.

His leg bobbed as the envelope sat on his lap, daring him to open it.
What can it be? It’s too big to be letter.
He unwrapped the closure and peered inside.
Tons of letters
. He withdrew the stack and froze. His mother’s familiar handwriting stared up at him.
Oh my God.

He flipped through the crisp envelopes, noting the dates stamped on them. The most recent from the summer before he was born. The summer she had conceived him. His heart beat unevenly as he opened the first one and began to read.

The knock at his door startled him, and the letters went spilling to the floor.
Bugger.
He scooped them up, trying to keep them in some semblance of order. “Just leave it on the desk, thanks.” He handed the bellboy a tip and went straight back to the bed.

Reading his mother’s personal letters to Roger was riveting. She’d told him so little about their relationship and this was showing him a side of her he’d never known. He could hear her speaking as he read. Her words flowed on paper just as they had in real life. The emotion and passion was heartbreaking
. I had no idea she’d felt this way about him. About anyone. She was hopelessly in love with him.

Daniel’s chest felt tight as he continued reading. He knew what was coming. This was a love story that didn’t have a happily ever after but he found himself wishing it had. For the first time since he’d found out about Roger’s existence he wished they had been able to be together. That fate and circumstance and misunderstanding hadn’t changed all their lives.
My life.

It hit him.
Had this worked out I would have had a father. Roger and my mother would have had a life together, at least for sixteen more years. I wouldn’t have had to go through her death alone.

For all these years he’d never considered what it might have been like to have someone to share his grief. He’d held onto his sadness as if it were the last remaining piece he had of his mother. Roger would have grieved alongside him. They could have made it through together.

Tears stung behind his eyes, blurring his vision as he opened the final envelope. The Dear John letter.

She knew. She knew she was pregnant, and she turned him away. She ruined it.

Blaming his mother felt so foreign it turned his stomach but he couldn’t stop the thought.
If only she’d listened to him. She was so sure she was right. So stubborn. If she would have given him a chance
. The words stopped Daniel cold.
She was just like me. Roger tried to talk to me, so many times, and I wouldn’t give him the time of day.
The tears rolled freely now.

I’m an idiot. This was my chance to have a father. To give my children a grandparent. A link to my past. And I tossed it away out of stupidity
. His head throbbed with regret and emotion.

He gathered the letters together and placed them back in the envelope. He was about to seal it shut when he heard a knock at the door. Thinking room service must have forgotten something he wiped his eyes and opened the door.

Chapter Fifty-One

The sight of Marienne standing in the hallway was more than he could stand. He flung his arms around her with such force she dropped her suitcase. She wrapped herself around him. He closed his eyes and breathed her in. Her scent enveloped him, overwhelming him with its sweetness. He buried his nose in her hair. Kissing her ear, her cheek, and then finally her lips. He smoothed her hair back, with both hands, cupping her face. “I can’t believe you’re here.” He kissed her again then rested his forehead against hers.

“I couldn’t stand the thought of you doing this alone. I left the kids at Arnold’s. I had to see you.” She ran her knuckles across his cheek, looking into his eyes.

“Let’s get out of the hallway.” He grabbed her suitcase, keeping his other hand on her waist, and pulled her into the room.

****

Daniel looked like he hadn’t slept in days, his eyes sunken, with dark circles beneath them and unmistakably reddened rims. She stepped into the hotel room and saw the envelope on the bed. It was sealed. She had no idea if he’d looked at the contents yet.

She sat down on the edge of the bed and Daniel knelt in front of her. “I’m sorry,” he said, taking her hand. “I’ve been such a complete ass. I’m sorry for leaving the way I did. I’m sorry for being such a jealous fool about Bob. I’m sorry for not listening to you when you told me to give Roger a chance.”

His voice cracked and Marienne felt her heart pulling in two. “I’m sorry too. I pushed you too hard. I should have been more understanding. And you were right about Bob. I’m so stupid. I can’t even tell when a man is flirting with me.” Her own eyes filled with tears. “Can you forgive me?”

“There’s nothing to forgive.”

She held her breath, afraid to ask the question that was on her mind. “Did you open the envelope?”

Daniel nodded.

“Did you read them?” Her eyes searched his and she could tell that he had.

“I’ve been a total prat. Everything Roger has said is true. They loved each other. She broke his heart. And I may never get to tell him that I know.”

The sadness on his face was more than she could bear. She leaned forward and kissed his forehead, her hand resting on his neck. Within seconds his mouth was on hers. His need was palpable and Marienne’s matched it in intensity. Her hands struggled to undue his shirt buttons as his fingers slipped beneath her sweater. Their limbs tangled as they wriggled out of their clothes. Daniel climbed on top of her, hands everywhere, lips everywhere. Her only thoughts were of taking away his pain.

****

Daniel smoothed his hands across Marienne’s skin, the silky feel of her erasing all else from his mind. His body strained against hers. She wove her fingers through his hair, holding his face to hers, the gentle rhythm of her tongue stirring him into a frenzy of desire. He slipped his fingers between her legs, moaning as her wetness greeted his touch. His erection rubbed along her thigh.

He dragged his mouth to her neck, his fingers still working, slithering between the slick folds of her overheated skin. “I don’t have a condom.” His voice was thick, raspy.

Marienne breathed into his hair, arching herself toward him, “I don’t care.” She moved his hand aside and positioned herself beneath him. The length of his cock nestled against her moist heat, sandwiched between them. She tilted her hips and he slipped inside her. It had been ages since they’d had sex without a condom and the sensation was unbelievable. His thoughts spiraled into nothingness as his mouth returned to hers.

They moved in tandem, each thrust heightening the response. Marienne was wrapped around him, her entire body drawing him closer, closing all around him. He couldn’t get enough of her. Her sweetness melted on his tongue, her feet caressed his legs, he didn’t want it to ever end. He could feel her pace quickening, her breath puffing faster against his chest. She bit her lip, her head tilting back against the pillows, gazing at him though heavy-lidded eyes. She was the most beautiful he’d ever seen her. A small cry escaped her throat as he felt her tighten around him, and she whispered his name. “Daniel.”

The single breathy word took him past the point of no return. Pressure rumbled through his gut and down the length of his shaft as he throbbed inside her. They were both panting too hard to speak. Daniel struggled to keep his full weight off her, but he wasn’t ready to pull out yet. Being with her, inside her, was the first place things had felt right in days.

She stroked his back, her fingers grazing the hair at the base of his neck and suddenly the need for sleep overtook him. He eased himself down alongside her, his arm still wrapped around her and sank into the darkness.

****

The room was still dark but a ribbon of light shone through from between the curtain panels. Marienne’s fingers were working Daniel’s hair, and he rubbed his head against them. For a moment he forgot where he was and why.

As reality settled in he squinted, trying to see the clock. “What time is it?”

“It’s early, not quite eight in the morning.” She snuggled against him.

He pulled her closer and kissed her, rubbing his nose against her. “I can’t tell you how glad I am that you’re here. I love you.”

She ran her thumb across his cheek, her fingers still planted in his hair. “I love you.”

“What time do you have to leave?” He didn’t want her to go but he knew she’d need to get back to the kids. He wished he could go with her.

“I told Cynthia I’d be back this afternoon. I thought we could have breakfast then I’ll stop by the hospital with you for a little bit and head out by noon. Is that all right?”

He nodded
. The hospital.
He didn’t want to go back. He wanted Roger to magically be okay and be discharged. He ached to set things right between them.

Marienne’s fingers slowed and she turned his face toward her. “Are you okay?”

“No.” His stomach grumbled.

“When was the last time you ate? And why does it smell like French fries in here?”

“That would be my dinner. Or rather that was almost my dinner. Room service had just arrived last when you showed up with an admittedly better offer.”

Her eyes widened. “You must be starving.”

“Now that you mentioned it, I am rather hungry.”

“Come, let’s get showered and get you some food.” She pulled the covers aside to get out of bed.

The sight of her creamy skin stirred a different kind of hunger, and Daniel pulled her back against the pillows. “Actually, I think I may need to work up a bit more of an appetite first.”

****

Sex, a shower and a hearty breakfast seemed to do wonders for Daniel. The color was back in his face and his eyes had their familiar sparkle again, but Marienne could feel his tension level rising the minute they walked into view of the hospital. She tightened her grip on his hand and he squeezed back in reply.

Seeing Roger in the hospital bed broke her heart. The monitor beeped quietly alongside his bed. The nurse said he was stable but there’d been no change. They were moving him to a private room on another floor. He no longer needed ICU monitoring, but there was no word on when or if he’d awaken.

Daniel’s eyes darkened with concern as he stared at Roger, motionless.

Leaving him there alone tore at her heart. “Do you need anything before I go? I can run down to the gift shop and buy you some magazines or something.”

“I’ll be fine. You just be careful driving home.” He rubbed his thumb over her hand. “Call me as soon as you’re home with the kids, okay? I need to know you’re all safe.”