How I Lost You (21 page)

“Kya says stuff like that. It doesn't mean anything.” I stopped, realizing how silly it sounded. He'd pretty much admitted he did feel that way. My throat hurt, trying to hold everything inside. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt James. Too. How could I possibly unhear his confession?

I slowly followed behind him.

“She wanted to put me in my place. To prove to me that I'm like every other boy she knows. And I was. She called me a stud. She spit the word at me. And then she wrapped her fingers together and made that sign you and her love so much. Buds before studs.”

“Oh, James.” The last thing I'd ever wanted James to be was a stud.

He walked up the steps on the deck. “I'm sorry. I never wanted that to happen with her. I should have been stronger…”

I closed my eyes and breathed in the cool air. The scent of lavender drifted over from Kya's backyard. I walked up the steps, reached for his hand, and then stopped. He noticed, but he pretended not to and instead punched me on the shoulder.

“It's okay. I know what I am to you,” he whispered. “Best friend who happens to be a boy. I hoped. Someday. You know.” He smiled but it didn't last. “And then Levi came along.”

He sat down on a patio chair and I sat next to him.

“I'm not the girl for you,” I said. “You deserve someone who feels the way a girlfriend does. You're a total catch. I can't wait to introduce you to Chantelle. I think you'll really like each other.”

“Yeah. Sure. Stupid Levi,” he said, but he smiled and this time it reached his eyes. “You like him, don't you?”

“Levi is…yeah, I like him. He gets me and…I don't know. It's weird.” I wrapped my arms around my knees to stave off the cold. “I don't feel like I deserve him.”

“You deserve him. Just make sure he deserves you. Don't let Kya ruin that. She will if she can.”

I sighed. “What am I going to do about her?”

“What has she done for you lately? Honestly. You've always had her back, but when has she ever had yours? She stood you up. And she walked away. To Steve Blender.”

I didn't want to think about it.

“Remember Kya's trampoline?” I said, looking across the fence to Kya's backyard.

“Yeah.” We both stared at the spot where the trampoline used to sit. Ghosts of our best times tumbled around the empty space.

“Hey. What's the difference between Steve Blender and a trampoline?” James asked.

I shrugged.

“You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.” He grinned.

I groaned at his attempt to joke around. “What the hell is Kya thinking?”

James laughed but it was bitter. “I don't think she's into rational thinking lately.”

I thought for a moment.

“There's a reason,” I said slowly. “And I think I should tell you.” He needed to know. It wasn't in anyone's best interest to keep her secret anymore. He needed to understand. Why I'd always stood by her.

“She was raped,” I whispered, my heart pounding.

“I know,” he said in a dull voice. He stood up from his chair, shaking his head. “She's unbelievable. You know that?”

My head snapped up, watching him pace. “You know?”

“Grace, she told me.” He scratched at his head and pushed up his glasses. “She told me not to tell you.” He pressed his lips tight, shook his head. “I suspected you knew, but she asked me not to say anything.”

“You knew?” I repeated.

“Yeah. And apparently so did you. She told me you didn't know. I guess she wanted me to believe that you'd stand by her, take her side because of who she is. Not because of what happened to her.”

I shook my head, not comprehending. “When did she tell you?”

He shrugged and plopped back down on the chair. “A couple years ago. Top secret.”

Another lie I'd somehow bought into. That I was the only one she'd trusted to tell. Another betrayal. Lumped on top of the others. She'd lied. Blatantly.

“I feel bad that it happened to her,” James said. “It explains lots. But she also has to take responsibility for herself and her behavior.” He paused. “You have to let her.”

The bird flew out of the birdhouse and escaped over the fence. I wished I could join it.

“The difference between me and you,” James said, “is that I don't think that it makes everything she does okay. She played us.”

“Wow,” I said. I had to think. It didn't change what had happened to her, but it did change things.

“I'm done with her,” James said softly. “And I think you have to make a choice too, Grace. Figure out what you want without her clouding your view.”

My insides squeezed tighter. Breathing hurt. James pushed on his chair and stood. “I should go inside and check on my mom.”

I reached for him, afraid to let him go. Afraid to face my choices on my own. “James! I'm scared.”

James took my hand gently off his. “You've spent so much time worrying about her, you don't even think about what you need. And whether she's the best friend for you.” He moved away and slid open the patio doors to go inside his house.

“She's my best friend,” I called.

“Is she? Maybe you need to choose your friends better. You think about that. Okay?”

“You're my best friend too,” I called.

“Am I, Grace?” He sighed. “I hope so. You let me know.”

“But…” I called.

He stuck his butt out the door, wiggled it, and then disappeared inside.

I laughed as he slid the door closed.

I'd talk to her. She and James could work through this awkwardness. She'd dump Steve when she knew what he really did. Everything could go back to normal.

There was still hope.

 

I dozed on and off all afternoon. I'd crawled under the covers as if a flu had invaded my system. Knowing what Kya had done to James physically hurt. Knowing she'd lied to both of us. I was so confused. Did I even know her? I slept instead of thinking.

Then early in the evening, someone knocked on my bedroom door.

I flipped on my back, staring at the ceiling. “Yeah?” I called, expecting Indie's voice.

“It's me,” Kya said from the other side of the door.

I sat up, trying to remember what I needed to say. I didn't feel ready to deal with her. Not yet. “Come in,” I said, only because there was little choice.

“Hey.” She walked in my room and shut the door behind her. She caught my eye and looked away as if we were uncomfortable strangers.

“I'm surprised to see you here,” I said. Sober, I didn't add.

“Yeah. I left Steve's.” She walked over and sat on the end of my bed. “Did you know they took a video of me at his house a couple weeks ago? Topless?”

“I was going to tell you. But you were upset, so…” I shrugged, fighting a guilty wave of conscience. As if I were the one who did something wrong.

She bit her lip. “They showed me. But I got it. And erased it. Thank God it didn't get posted on Facebook or something.”

“You're lucky,” I said, and pulled my covers around my legs.

“Wow. You're quite the hard ass tonight.”

I glared at her and the smile she'd pasted on her lips faded.

“I thought you'd be loaded by now,” I said, not backing down. “Maybe a repeat performance for them.”

She took a deep breath and licked her lips, pretending to be fascinated with my stuffed sock monkey. She picked him up and held him. “I guess I deserved that.”

“I didn't say it to hurt you. I said it because it's true.” A surge of anger raced blood to my face, but for once, I didn't try to bury it with an excuse or mince my words.

She sighed, hugging my sock monkey to her chest. “I know.”

I sniffed and detected the smell of cookies from the kitchen. I was hungry. I hadn't eaten anything all day.

“I was feeling really down. About fighting with you. And then when I got to his house, they showed me the video. Laughing like it was a joke. It made me sick. Seeing myself like that. So I erased it and left. I walked home. They wouldn't give me a ride. Jerks.”

I pulled my knees into my chest and pushed off the blankets. “Why didn't you call for a ride?” I asked out of habit.

“I didn't know if you would come,” she said, putting my monkey back on the comforter.

I nodded. She was right. I didn't know either.

“Anyhow. I wanted to see you. You always make me feel better.” She reached over and tickled my feet but I moved them away.

“What's wrong?” She smiled. “Come on, Skanklet, you know you wanna get tickled.”

The nickname made me cringe, but I pushed my emotions down into the tiny hole in the pit of my belly.

“You're supposed to call me a name too,” she said softly.

I shook my head once.

She pressed her hands together. “I thought a lot about you as I walked. And what I've been putting you through lately. And James.”

She was pushing all my sympathy buttons, but I sat up straighter, resolving to stay strong. I pictured the way she'd slipped away from me to go to Steve. After what he'd done to me. How much it hurt. After I'd taken her side so many times. I pictured James. The stud.

“You screwed him over,” I said. “Literally.”

She leaned her head forward, braiding a tiny strip of hair. “I know. It was stupid.” She pushed it back and sighed again. “I'm messed up, Grace.” She let go of her hair and it fell close to her head. “That girl who got raped. Everything.”

“You slept with James before she called. Do you think you can undo it? Or the way you choose Steve over me?”

Her eyes narrowed. “But I came back,” she said. “For you.”

“You left because he was being a jerk. It wasn't for me.” I realized how true that was. I opened my eyes and really looked at her.

She yawned then, covering her mouth. “Sorry. I'm so tired. I've been so upset.”

I lifted my chin, not letting myself fall into the trap she was setting. Knowingly or not, this was the part where she'd pull the sympathy card and I'd sign on the dotted line.

“James was our best friend. Is our best friend,” I said. “You have no idea how much I want things back the way they were. But James was a virgin. He didn't want that with you.”

She laughed then, but it sounded cruel. “Poor James. But he's a big boy. And I'm sure it wasn't as bad as when I lost my virginity.”

I cringed but took a deep breath. “I know that, but this is about him,” I said slowly.

“The only reason he was upset was because he's frickin' in love with you and he didn't want you to find out about it. I don't know how you fail to see that.” She sat up taller, rolling her shoulders back and moving around her neck.

“This is not about me,” I told her. “Why would you do that? Why would you do that to James?”

“To James?” She thumped my bed with her fist. “He kind of had to participate, you know?”

I closed my eyes to the image in my head.

“I couldn't stand the way he judged me, okay?” Kya said. “His snide jokes about me and boys. He thought he was so much better. So I decided to show him he wasn't.”

“Oh, Kya.”

“Don't ‘oh, Kya' me. Guys don't look at me the way they look at you. When they see me, all they see is someone to sleep with. They look at you and they see the girl they want to take home to mommy and marry. Like stupid Levi. Bringing you flowers and candy. Too nervous to even kiss you. It makes me sick. You're so freaking perfect. And you never let me forget it.”

Both of us stared at each other, our eyes wide open.

“I am far from perfect.”

“That's not what Lola says. Or Betty Baller. Or James.” She got off the bed. “You know what? Forget it. Forget you. I'm sick of you judging me. Looking down on me. You and James both.”

Footsteps creaked up the stairs; our voices had escalated.

“I never looked down on you,” I told her.

“No. What about me with James? And Steve? You approve of me going out with Steve?”

I scowled. “You're too good for him. And you shouldn't have gone with him today.”

She laughed and crossed her arms over her chest. “You don't own me. What about James? Do you think I'm too good for James too?”

I didn't answer. It wasn't a fair question.

“I didn't think so,” she said, and stood, putting her hands on her hips. “You know what? I don't want to be the person you feel sorry for anymore. I don't want to worry about my grades and making that stupid college paintball team and impressing people I don't give a crap about. I'm sick of hearing how I should try to be more like you. All I ever hear is how great Grace Black is. Screw that.” She dropped her hands to her side, making fists. “Screw you.”

“Kya?” This had gone farther. Faster. I stared at her, willing my friend to come back. The friend I loved.

“Yes?” She put her hands back on her hips but didn't change her snarling expression.

“I'm losing you,” I whispered.

“So dramatic, Grace. So dramatic. Maybe I've always been lost.”

Footsteps slowly moved down the hall. Indie? I didn't even care if he heard.

“You lied to me,” I whispered. I twisted my earring around and around, staring at her. “Why did you tell me that James didn't know you were raped?”

Her eyes opened wider. She glanced around as if she were in a cage and needed to escape.

“Why did you tell us both it was a secret?”

“Screw you. Screw you and your judgmental eyes and your too good for everyone attitude. I don't need either of you. You don't have the right to judge me. You don't know what I go through. Stay out of my life. I
am
lost to you, okay? Don't call. Don't text. Stay the hell away from me. You are no longer my friend.”

She slammed my door on her way out.

I breathed out slowly as the sting dug deeper. My heart ached. I'd been shaken to the core. The horrible reality that we were breaking up smashed into my gut. Maybe we weren't romantic. But it was love. And losing her took away my breath.

There was another knock on my door. “Grace?” Indie said. “You okay?”

“NO!” I shouted back.

Too many things had been done. Things that couldn't be undone. I closed my eyes to still the dizziness. When I opened them, I reached for my cell phone.

There was no going back. I'd made a choice.